So Totally

by Gwen Hayes

  He kissed me ferociously. And I met him with a fierceness I didn’t know I possessed. His tongue was in my mouth, his hand in my shirt, and I ground myself into him with a passion that surprised us both. My skin was on fire. I needed to get closer to him; I couldn’t get close enough.

  He groaned and I mewed my response. I stopped caring about how many other girls came before me or how many guys hadn’t come before him. Every place he wasn’t touching me ached with the longing for it.

  So imagine how happy I was when he ripped himself away from me and swore. “Dammit.”

  Our chests heaved, trying to make up for the oxygen deprivation. “Nate…”

  He raised his hands in front of him. “Give me a minute.”

  He retreated to the bathroom and I heard the faucet running. I rubbed the tender spot where I’d been impaled by the doorknob and ambled over to the minifridge. I pulled out a Coke and held it unopened to my temple. I’m pretty sure it sizzled when it touched my skin.

  When he returned from the bathroom, I asked him, “Want one?”

  He nodded, so I got a New Coke out and tossed it to him. He opened it and drank the whole thing at once.

  Let me tell you, passion is parching.

  I rubbed my bruised back.

  He widened his eyes and anger flashed across his features. “Did I hurt you?” He rushed to my side, concern shining in his gaze, his hand tender over mine.

  “It’s fine.” The tide pulled again. I knew we needed to talk, but with him being inches away and his hand on my back, all I wanted to do was sink back into him.

  This time when he kissed me it was gentle and sweet. It felt like he’d brought me to a boil a few minutes ago, and now he was stirring gently. Every hormone, nerve, every cell in my body belonged to Nate. I hoped he’d take better care of me than I was doing for myself.

  He pulled away like it was painful. “Let’s talk, okay?” We held hands and walked back to the love seat. “I’m not a virgin,” he said after we’d settled again.

  “Duh.”

  “I’m just trying to keep everything honest and in the open. Does it bother you that I’ve been with other girls?”

  “No, Nate, it makes me happy like when I think of puppies and rainbows. Of course it bothers me. Does it bother you that I haven’t been with anyone?”

  “It’s a little daunting.”

  “It isn’t every guy’s fantasy, then?”

  “Oh, it’s hot, don’t get me wrong.” He smirked at the blush creeping across my face. “But it means something. You know, to be your first. It’s an awesome honor, but it’s a responsibility too. And it’s us. Sometimes I think that this is too big for a couple of kids still in high school, you know? We should be going for pizza and worrying about geometry tests, not trying to cram as much relationship as we can into a window of opportunity that could close at any time.”

  Which was exactly why I wanted to use the time wisely. “Nate, tomorrow might be twenty-five years from now. What if our window closes?”

  “I’m not saying we’ll never have sex. Please shoot me if I ever say that—I just think…not yet.”

  “When do you think, then?” I asked because for someone bent on waiting, his fingers were roaming a lot.

  “When you aren’t afraid that I’m rejecting you every time I don’t agree with you. When I’m allowed to look at your face when we talk about sex. Maybe sometime after I steal second and lead off towards third.”

  “Oh that’s so cute.” I stuck my finger in my mouth like I was gagging.

  “Are you…er…on the pill?”

  “Um, no. I assumed we’d use condoms.”

  “Did you bring any?”

  What do they print on your headstone if you die of mortification? “No. I assumed you had some.”

  “New mandate: we can’t have sex until you’re not too shy to buy condoms.”

  “I hope you know what you’ve just sentenced yourself to.” I will surely never be able to do that.

  “We need to be extra careful.” His fingers stopped roving, and I felt the sharp blade of serious cut into his tone. “I can’t even—if you got pregnant…”

  Whoa. Good point. What if I had a baby and I poofed? Obviously, I should plan on never having babies. That would be so unfair to leave a child behind. Which made me wonder what my mom must be going through in 2011.

  The candles cast eerie shadows on the wall, and the marrow in my bones chilled. I shouldn’t be allowed to get close to anyone. I was a walking heartbreak in acid-washed denim and a Hypercolor t-shirt. (Which, don’t get me wrong, is a really cool t-shirt that changes color wherever you touch it. I don’t know why they ever went out of style.)

  “Hey.” Nate snuggled me closer. “Where’d you just go?”

  “The future. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not so bright that I gotta wear shades. It’s bleak and desolate.”

  He rearranged us and put a pillow on his lap for me while he asked, “What are you talking about?”

  I laid my head on the pillow. “Let’s take a look at my possibilities, shall we? Assuming I’m not irreparably damaging my own future, I could end up returning to 2011 tomorrow. In which case, you and I are dunzo. I could, though, go back at any time. Ten years from now, sixty years from now, or maybe even never. In which case, since I’ll never know, I’ll never give myself permission to plan for a future I may never have. I could waste my whole life waiting for something that never happens.”

  “Wow. I guess carpe dieming is a pretty good plan, then.”

  I pretended I was going to punch him in the stomach. “It was until my boyfriend shot me down.”

  “I didn’t shoot you down.” He played with my hair. “We’re just going to take it slow, no matter how badly you want me.”

  I didn’t pretend to punch him that time.

  I groaned. “High school is hard enough. But what about real life? I can’t ever get married or have kids or be president of the United States.”

  “That’s a shame. You’d be a fantastic president.”

  “I could be a professional beach bum.”

  “Good plan. What if we just don’t worry about the far-off future for now, until we learn more? We can just take things one day at a time. It’s late. What time do you have to be home?”

  “You’re stuck with me. Heather and I are spending the night at Tracy’s.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “That Tracy is a bad influence on you.”

  “She certainly is,” I agreed while I sat up and maneuvered so that I was sitting on his lap. I hooked my arms around his head. “Heather is picking me up on the corner at ten in the morning.”

  “So you’re staying here?” he asked. I nodded. “All night?” I nodded again. The shade of his eyes darkened, giving me a little shiver. “Interesting. You know, just because I’m determined to protect you honor doesn’t mean we can’t get closer.”

  He gifted me with the sexiest smile I’d ever seen. He knew how to be a very bad boy.

  “I don’t think that Tracy is the only bad influence on me. What do you have in mind?” I asked.

  Waggling his brows, he replied, “I have all night to show you.”

  NATE wasn’t kidding. He definitely spent all night showing me ways we could get closer without getting all-the-way close. And that is all I’m sharing about that.

  He made me breakfast (Pop-Tarts), and we sat side by side at the little counter while we ate holding hands. If we were another couple, I would have been disgusted by how lovey-dovey we acted.

  At five minutes to ten, we stood at the door kissing and wishing I didn’t have to go.

  “I miss you already,” he told me.

  I smiled. “I’m still here.”

  “Can I tell you something without you feeling guilty?”

  “Probably not.”

  “I’m always afraid to say goodbye to you. Like it might be the last time I have the chance, and what if I didn’t tell you everything I need to say?”

  “
Tell me everything now, then.”

  He swallowed and looked down. For the first time ever, I think he was nervous. “I already told you I was in love with your hair. Can’t you just take it from there?”

  “Hmmm.” I ruffled his hair and fought the urge to squee like a kid at Disneyland. “Sorry, but no.”

  “You are a brat.”

  “But…?” My breath came in shallow wisps of air.

  I think he was memorizing my face. He surveyed my features like he was drawing me on a sketch pad behind his eyes. “But…I love you anyways.”

  I couldn’t hide the big, cheesy grin that lifted the corners of my mouth. “That’s so sweet. You are a total ass, but I love you anyways too.”

  “It’s like we were made for each other,” he answered drily.

  “I better go. Don’t want to keep my mom waiting.”

  “One more kiss.”

  I was so late. When I finally got out of Nate’s clutches, I snuck down the stairs and slunk through the bushes in order to not be seen by his parents. Talk about a walk of shame.

  Heather was waiting for me when I got to the corner.

  “Sorry I’m late.” I buckled my belt. “How was your—are you okay?”

  Yeah…remember I already said that was a stupid question, but it didn’t stop me from asking it, either.

  Her hair matted strangely to her head in places where she had used too much hairspray the day before, and yesterday’s eye makeup smudged all over her face. Her eyes were puffy and red and her lap was littered with crumbs and Ho-Hos wrappers.

  “I’m fine,” she said on a hiccup.

  “What happened?”

  She pulled away from the curb. “Tommy broke up with me. This morning. After quite possibly the worst night of my life.”

  A bastard in any era, I guess. “Heather, I’m so sorry. Did you guys…?”

  She nodded and wiped her nose on her sleeve. “It was terrible. Did you think so too?”

  Crap. So, she and Tommy actually went all the way and it was awful. I didn’t follow through on the virginity pact and instead had the best night ever.

  So I intentionally misled.

  “I’m not sure. The jury’s still out.”

  She pulled another Ho-Ho from under her seat and opened it one-handed with a deft efficiency that astounded me. “Tommy was drunk. He smelled like stale beer. It hurt so bad, but he wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t get him off of me. And when it was over, he passed out and I still couldn’t get him off of me.”

  “God, I’m so sorry. It sounds horrible.” It sounded worse than horrible.

  She nodded, her mouth full of cake. “When I finally got him to roll over, I ran into the bathroom and cried all night. In the morning…he told me that we just didn’t have good chemistry. And that it would be better off if we just broke things off now before either of us got hurt.” She slammed her hand on the steering wheel. “Can you believe that crap? I want to kill him dead.” She looked at me—instead of the road, mind you. “You didn’t think the sex hurt?”

  “Um.”

  She saved me by carrying on as if she had forgotten she’d asked me a question. “I can’t believe he broke up with me. I can’t believe he passed out on top of me. Like…parts were still…engaged and everything.”

  Blech. I rubbed my forehead to try and erase the mental image. I have no doubt that it scarred me for life.

  “You can do so much better than him, Heather.” Yeah, like my dad. That worked out well for her too, didn’t it? Was there no hope for her? She didn’t deserve this guy karma. She was so sweet and nurturing. Look at the way she took care of me. She didn’t even know she was my mother, but she still took me under her wing from the start.

  “Fanks.” She mumbled over her mouthful. She swallowed finally. “I can’t go home like this. I look like a drunk clown.”

  We stopped at McDonald’s and I helped her get cleaned up in the bathroom. I couldn’t get over how different our nights were. Nate would never treat me the way Tommy steamrolled over Heather. Granted, I still didn’t know if I liked sex or how much it hurt. However, Nate cared enough to make it as good as possible for me. And if the act was as nice as the preview from the night before, I’m guessing I’ll be loving life.

  “You’re smiling. You must be thinking about Nate.”

  I met Heather’s gaze and then sheepishly looked down. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be stupid, Carri. I want you to be happy. I’m glad you had a better night than I did.” She hugged me, the tight squeeze expelling the air in my lungs in a whoosh. “Doesn’t mean I’m not a teensy bit jealous, though.” She backed up and turned back to the mirror for one last once-over. “I am so getting blitzed tonight.”

  She totally reminded me of my mother.

  Heather wasn’t kidding about getting blitzed. We couldn’t have been at the bonfire more than fifteen minutes before she tripped over a log and had to be rescued from the fiery pit. It was going to be a long night.

  We arrived a little past nine o’clock. I looked longingly at the ocean, wishing Nate were there for one of those romantic beach walks from the movies. The moon cast a rippled glow on the water, and the scent of burning wood and seawater etched itself in my memory. I noticed those little things more now. All my senses grasped at sensory input as if I had to bank my memories, just in case.

  I turned back to the fire pit. Someone handed me a red cup. I didn’t really want it, but it gave me something to hold. I figured Heather designated me as driver for the night about the time she almost fell into the fire.

  I missed Nate.

  Since he had to work last night, the guys were doing that dungeon thing on Saturday instead of their normal Friday night gig. He promised to drive out afterward, but like any lovestruck teenage girl, I ached for him something fierce.

  “You better watch your friend. She looks out of control tonight.”

  I glanced to my right. Oh, joy. It was Joy.

  “She’s had a rough day,” I answered.

  “I don’t suppose you have a light?” she asked, holding an unlit cigarette in her mouth.

  I shook my head but gestured to the bonfire.

  “Ha-ha. You know, I almost could like you.” She regarded me, taking in my signature “everything about me is average” look. I didn’t blame her. I wondered what Nate saw in me, too. Especially when he could have had her.

  She wasn’t pretty, exactly. But she possessed an exotic, dangerous quality that I could never achieve. She was seventeen going on twenty-five, with a splash of lethal.

  Heather appeared out of nowhere, bumping into me and sloshing beer all over us both. “Ohmygawd. I’m sho drunk.”

  “You think?” Joy and I answered simultaneously.

  “Don’t be a pooper party, Carri.”

  Joy snorted.

  “Okey dokey, Heather. But you might want to slow down. If you pass out, you’ll miss all the fun.” God. I was using my mom voice on my mom.

  “Jake and Sissy bork up again. Can you believe it?” Heather asked.

  Of course they did. It was at least forty-eight hours since they “bork” up the last time. “They’ll get back together; they always do.”

  She nodded solemnly, then lost her balance from all the nodding. “That’sh what I told him too.” She looked down. “My cup is empty. See you later.”

  I covered my face in my hands, and Joy patted me on the back. “You are in for a long night. You want me to keep Nate entertained for you?” My death glare made her laugh, which was so not the point. “I’m kidding. Nate’s totally into you. I get that.”

  “So what’s with the claws, then?”

  Someone threw her a lighter. “Look, he’s a babe. We had fun. Neither of us were into it big-time. But I do care about him. We’ll always be friends.” She lit up. “I wanted to make sure you’re worthy.”

  “Am I?”

  “No. But you’ll do.”

  I rolled my eyes, readying a quick reply when I spied the hottie
in question weaving through the masses toward me. Well, us. Since Joy still shared my spot by the fire.

  My heart sped up, threatening to burst when he smiled at me. I couldn’t stop myself. I launched into his arms, not caring about playing it cool. It seemed like forever since I’d touched him. His embrace was no less exuberant than mine, and I heard someone say “gag me with a spoon.”

  “How geeky would it be if I told you I missed you?” I said into his neck.

  “Let’s go make out in my car,” he answered into my hair.

  I giggled. “I can’t leave Heather unattended for too long. She’s on a bender tonight.”

  “You smell like you swam in a brewery yourself.”

  “Yeah, blame Heather. She spilled her beer on me. She also tried to get extra crispy in the fire.”

  Nate looked over my shoulder and his brow creased in concern. “I think she’s kissing someone. Is that Jake?”

  I cranked my neck to look behind me. “She would never kiss her best friend’s boyfriend.” Oh shit. “She is totally macking on Jake!”

  I started toward her, my boyfriend and Joy in tow. “Mom! I mean, Heather! What are you doing?”

  I didn’t have to worry about my slip, because before I got very far, she got wrenched away from Jake by her hair. By Sissy. A very livid Sissy.

  “You bitch!” Sissy slapped Heather’s face. She deserved it, but still, it doesn’t settle well when someone hits your mom. She got her good, too.

  Heather, glassy-eyed, rubbed her cheek and processed the event slowly. “Oh God. Sissy, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was doing. I didn’t mean to—”

  A crowd gathered around them, minus Jake, who fled the scene. Who could blame him?

  Sissy pushed Heather’s shoulder. “How can you ‘not mean’ to suck face with my boyfriend?”

  I took a step, but Nate and Joy held me back. Joy said, “You don’t want to get in the middle of a catfight, sugar.”

  “It happened so fast, Sissy. I swear I don’t even know how it happened. I’m so drunk,” Heather said.

  “Is that supposed to make it okay? You’re drunk? So what? I can’t believe it—you were my best friend.”