Tequila

by Rebecca Sharp

  And that was why I’d stopped drinking it.

  “We need to talk,” I said firmly, feeling the dull burn settle in my veins.

  I’d always been confident. Even a few weeks ago when I’d confessed my error, I’d been calm and confident, knowing what I did wrong and knowing there would be repercussions.

  But Logan… he’d always made me feel vulnerable. Not because I didn’t feel safe around him, but because around him my heart was always on the line.

  “I know.”

  The words I’d been about to say distilled into a strangled cry that I quickly swallowed down.

  “Some kid I picked up at the last house today said he saw a post on Facebook that a Viper pilot was here in Estes—a Viper pilot who’d been removed from her command last week.”

  Heavy silence filled between us—just like rising water. I dragged in deep but wavering breaths as though my lungs were filling too.

  “I know we’re in Colorado, but I can’t imagine there are too many of those around—let alone more than one trapped in Estes Park.”

  I winced and nodded, keeping my chin high. He didn’t need to tell me. I’d been there.

  “What happened, Shay?” he growled.

  My eyes snapped up from where I’d been staring at the empty liquor-glazed glass, wishing its contents had a quicker onset time to steady my racing pulse.

  I held my wrists behind my back. My actions—my hopes—were once again on the line, only this time, they stood handcuffed to my heart. But I had nothing left to hide.

  Nothing except how much I loved him and how much I was afraid my confession would make me lose him.

  I cleared my throat. “When I was stationed in South Korea two years ago, I had a casual… relationship… with another soldier. Another first lieutenant—Jeffrey Scott.”

  Logan tensed, but he knew as well as I that one night wasn’t going to put either of our lives on hold in that respect.

  The few men I’d been with in the last six years weren’t important. What was important was that none of them made me feel like Logan did.

  “He was reassigned back to the States a year before me, and was going to be promoted to captain like I hoped to be. But he was being sent to Vance AFB, so things just kind of ended. We parted as friends. We’d been friends before… hard not to be. Scott was the kind of charismatic pilot with a tipped smile and dark brown hair that they’d take him, dress him up as Tom Cruise in Top Gun, and use him as a tourist exhibit.”

  The thought made me sick now—how he’d fooled everyone.

  How he’d fooled me.

  “So, he left, and I went on with my career. Came back to the States. Started my position at Shaw. Didn’t see him for about a year.” My tongue darted out over my lips. Shame made them dry out easily and bitterness broke them into cracks. “Six months ago, when I was named the team commander of the Viper squad, I went out to celebrate with my wingmen. We ended up at some bar close to Shaw that’s popular with airmen, and Scott happened to be there.”

  I heard my voice falter. The first visible crack in my confidence.

  “I should’ve asked what he was doing in town. I should’ve looked for better answers to where he was now. But I didn’t. We were celebrating and having a good time, and when I saw an old friend, it just made everything about that day better. We drank and had a good time, and eventually, Scott suggested we go to a hotel. So, I went. The whole squad saw me.” I paused and nodded. “I wasn’t drunk, but I wasn’t thinking.”

  Logan’s hands on the edge of the counter tightened. I worried about his injuries, but I knew now wasn’t the time to say anything.

  “When I woke up, Scott was gone.” A bitter laugh rushed from my lips, and I felt a sheen of sweat coat my clasped palms. “I remember thinking it wasn’t a big deal. I wasn’t looking to pick back up our fling anyway. I woke up knowing I’d made a mistake, but I wasn’t going to kill myself over it. I was going to go back to my new position. He was going to go back to wherever he came from, and that was going to be it—one night, chalked up to old-time’s sake… or something like that.”

  “Did he hurt you?” Logan ground out.

  I jerked back. “No. God, no. I would’ve killed him for that.” I swallowed hard and insisted. “He didn’t do anything like that. No. Jeffrey Scott is one of those charming men, the ones who make friends with everyone, the ones whom everyone is drawn to. Almost like there’s a magnet inside them,” I tried to explain. “And that’s what makes them so… slippery.”

  My fingers tightened, wanting to slam into the countertop like I’d done at my apartment on base a hundred times before I walked out the door and got on the plane here.

  “A few months later, I was just walking around the hangar, checking on everything with our planes for practice the following day, and one of my wingmen, Cory, came up to me and asked if I heard about Scott.” This was the second time I was speaking these words and it hurt worse than the first. “I shook my head and said no. I hadn’t heard from him in months. Hadn’t really even thought about him until that moment, to be honest.”

  My throat felt as though it were coated in acid.

  “And that’s when he told me Scott had just been found guilty of having sex with a minor. A fifteen-year-old.” My stomach rolled as though that were the worst of it.

  “Jesus.” Logan wiped a hand over his mouth.

  “And the week I’d been promoted, he was in the area to give his statement, but the whole investigation was kept under the radar until the verdict because the underage girl was the daughter of a prominent politician.”

  “That’s fucking disgusting, Shay, it really is. But how is it your problem?” He tapped his glass lightly on the granite countertop, his impatience vibrating out of him.

  “It’s not.” I gritted my teeth. “But when I learned that he’d been married for four years, to a woman named Meredith, including the whole time he was in Korea, and definitely including the time he was in South Carolina—that makes it my problem.”

  Shock swallowed his expression, just like it had mine.

  That motherfucker had been married the whole time we’d been overseas.

  I took a long breath. The rage coursing through my blood wasn’t going to help me get the rest of my story out.

  “So,” I continued as my voice wavered. “Not only did I sleep with a married man which is against the UCMJ, but I also learned that in addition to never being promoted to captain on his return, he was stripped down to the level of an enlisted soldier. Which, also according to the UCMJ, makes sleeping with him a second strike as the relationship between an officer and an enlisted soldier is prohibited.”

  I felt a tear slip down my cheek.

  Two strikes. Two blows.

  One on each of my wings. And down I tumbled.

  Logan rocked back on his heels, folding his arms in front of him before sending one hand up through his hair. He was agitated, that much was clear.

  “I’m sorry, Shay, but I still don’t fucking understand how that is your fault for not knowing.”

  “Because, Logan, claiming I didn’t know isn’t an excuse. I should’ve asked. I should’ve known,” I told him. “That’s like Scott claiming he didn’t know the underage girl was fifteen.”

  I shook my head. It wasn’t the same thing, but in some ways, it was.

  “This is the military code. I know it. I know the rules, and I know how many lines are drawn when it comes to relationships between fellow soldiers. I should’ve been more careful. I’ve always been more careful. I should’ve asked more questions…” I pressed a hand to my lips to stop my rambling. “So, I immediately went to my CO and told him the truth. He had to wait until Scott’s trial and sentencing was over before anything could be done. Before anyone could be punished.”

  I’d made a mistake not confirming who Scott was or what he’d been up to since the last time I’d seen him. I’d made a mistake trusting him.

  “The trial ended two weeks ago and the news about
Scott went public.”

  “What happened to him?” Logan demanded vengefully, as though he’d be the one to inflict punishment personally if it wasn’t severe enough.

  “For what he did?” I let out a long breath and shook my head. “He was stripped of all his rank and benefits, and he won’t see the outside of a cell for many long years.”

  Even though part of me really wanted to be the one to deliver his punishment—dragging him behind an F-16 as I took off and whipped around the sky had a nice appeal to it—at least I was comforted knowing that he hadn’t got off scot-free. No pun intended.

  “And this is why they took away your command… even though you’re the best…” His voice grew more ragged, as though it dragged over jagged rocks to escape his throat; the emotion contained rubbed me raw as I heard it.

  “Being the best doesn’t mean I didn’t make a mistake. Even if it was unintentional,” I said softly. “My punishment was lenient given the circumstances. My commander knows I didn’t know, but there’s not much that can be done. The law is the law.” I paused. “Rules are rules.”

  “So, you left South Carolina.” The hurt in his voice killed me.

  My head dipped in agreement. “Rationally, I knew there would be a consequence to my uninformed decisions, but until it actually happened, I just…” I huffed. “I fell Logan. After soaring higher, farther, faster for so fucking long, I finally fell.”

  I swiped my fingers across my cheeks, brushing away the tears that began to fall, too.

  “My CO gave me some time off to get away while the news broke publicly.” I swallowed over the lump in my throat. “Being the first female commander of the squad had drawn some pretty big attention in the media earlier in the year. A dismissal just over six months after the promotion was going to make waves… waves that this flood protected me from. Until now.”

  “Why here?” he demanded. “Why come back here?”

  I met his eyes, my spine straightening as though I were strapped into my cockpit, preparing for my feelings to take flight.

  Logan had always been the one to bare his heart first. He’d always been the one to open up about himself, letting me feel comfortable enough to follow suit.

  But now it was my turn.

  I’d been the one to leave. Now, I had to be the one to take a stand.

  “Because you told me you’d catch me. Because you promised you’d be a safe place to land.” I inched closer to him. “Because this was the only place that felt safe to come back to—the only place that had you.”

  His jaw ticked. “So then why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because I didn’t know I’d actually find you,” I admitted. “I went to the park to hike and clear my head. It wasn’t until you actually saved me on the ridge that I realized hoping to find you was the real reason I came here. You. The man who’d never known me as a pilot, let alone a famous one. The man who promised to catch me if I fell.”

  I began to walk around the island, needing to feel his warmth. He turned in order to face me but didn’t back away like I was afraid he might.

  “The only man who’s ever made me stop and consider that maybe my whole life shouldn’t be defined by how high I can go,” I continued with a softer tone. “The only man who has made me realize there are some places you can’t reach by flying… some places that are worth landing for.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” he growled again.

  My hands released, emotion running violently through my blood. I shoved my fingers through my hair, pulling it down from the tie just before I reached for the tequila on the counter and took a quick drink. The rich fire felt good down my throat as though it could sanitize the shame from my body.

  Extending my hand, I offered him the bottle.

  Tequila was like truth between us. Not because it made us too drunk to say otherwise, but because it brought us to a place where there was nothing except the two of us to focus on.

  I bit my lip when his fingers brushed mine to take the tequila, desperately longing for their steady warmth.

  This was the part that was going to hurt.

  This was the part I didn’t want to admit to.

  The one that could cost me everything I never knew I needed.

  “Because, Logan, I also remember the man who had rules,” I told him brokenly. “I listened to the man who told me about his parents who worked in the gray space in between them. I remember the look on your face when you said that threading the gray is even worse than breaking the rules because you’re still breaking them, but while attempting to appear legitimate as you do.”

  I shuddered, trying to shake away how I could hear his exact words echo through my mind like a siren of accusations.

  “I was in that gray area, Logan. I knew what the rules were, but I didn’t ask to make sure I wasn’t breaking them. I just… assumed. I assumed I was in the clear.”

  “What the fuck, Shay. That’s not what the hell I meant—”

  “Don’t lie. Don’t cheat. Don’t steal. I know you meant those, Logan,” I interrupted him and ticked off his rules one by one on my fingers, each like another bullet out of his righteous gun.

  “I cheated, Logan. I slept with a married man. Multiple times, apparently, and yeah, I didn’t know, but also, how could I not have known?” I demanded him even the question was more for myself, the one I’d wrestled with for weeks.

  How could I not have known?

  How could I have been so stupid?

  “My whole career, I’ve looked out for men like that. The ones who only see me as a Pilot Barbie—a unicorn notch in their bedpost. The ones who only want to fuck me to make themselves feel better that they aren’t as good as me. And I was fooled by him.”

  Everyone was—but that didn’t matter. What was the point of being better than anyone else if I wasn’t actually better?

  And being the best… I gulped. My standards for myself were higher than everyone else.

  Impossibly high.

  So high a space shuttle wouldn’t be able to reach them even if I knew how to fly it.

  My vision pulled back from the distorted fog it had faded into and zeroed in on his eyes.

  “And I feel like I’m nothing but a lie. Like everything I’ve told myself is a lie. It feels as though I’m in a plane that is spiraling down toward the ground about to crash, and I can’t escape because the plane is me; the plane is my body. The plane is everything I’d worked on to take me higher, and now it’s plummeting out of control. Everything I’ve done… everything I’ve worked toward… What’s the point in being the best if I’m so easily fooled by the worst?”

  The most disgustingly sad and bitter laugh dripped from my lips as I took the alcohol back from him.

  “Shay…” I heard the warning in his voice, but I wasn’t being harsh on myself if it was the truth.

  “And this whole time, Logan, I’ve been stealing from you,” I blurted out, more tears falling as I tipped the bottle to my lips once more.

  That got his attention. He sucked in a breath and demanded, “What are you talking about?”

  “This whole time, I’ve been stealing your kindness. Your compassion. Your trustworthiness and respect.” I bit out each word as though I were my own prosecutor. “I’ve been stealing your touch, your kisses… I’ve been stealing bits and pieces of you without giving you all of me because I was afraid you wouldn’t want it. Because I broke all your rules.”

  “Jesus, Shay, you didn’t—”

  “I cheated with him. I lied to myself. And I stole from you.”

  Large, immovable hands gripped my shoulders as he stepped toward me, his head dipping down so there was no mistaking or mishearing what he was about to say.

  “He lied to you. They cheated a great pilot out of her command. But you’re right, you did steal from me.” I gasped as his hands dropped and he stepped back. “You stole from me the opportunity to tell you that, knowing all of this, you are still the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. You stol
e my opportunity to inform you that you are worth so much more than the credit you are giving yourself.”

  I shook my head in disbelief.

  Maybe he hadn’t heard me right—that was the only explanation for why he would say this.

  “Logan, I slept with a married man. I didn’t just break the rules. I broke the law.”

  “Jesus, Shay, would you listen to me?” he demanded. “Me—the ranger with all the Rules—is telling you that you may have technically broken the law, but the only one who broke the rules, the only one who is in the wrong here, is that piece of shit.”

  I felt his fingers grip my chin, angling my head as though he was determined to scan every inch of my irises.

  “I should’ve known,” I murmured. “I should’ve been smarter.”

  “Sweetheart, you can’t always know everything…” He bent down and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “I didn’t. I still don’t.” Drawing back slightly, he found my eyes. “You want to know why I have rules? Why how my parents lived… worked… affected me so much?” His expression shuddered. “Because I was fooled, too.”

  My querulous gaze searched his.

  The whole conversation had turned my body into a plane waiting to take off. All that energy bottled up and vibrating through each of my cells. The engine in my mind turning so fast, so loudly, I almost didn’t hear what he said over the noise.

  But I’d offered him the piece of myself I was most ashamed of. Even if it wasn’t my fault, that didn’t mean I was reeling from the effect it had.

  And now, he was offering a piece in return—a piece that quieted the humming in my mind and the pulsing underneath my skin.

  I was ready to fly off into shame and anger, but Logan… he was always able to tempt me to stay grounded in reality.

  A reality where maybe I was being too hard on myself.

  “Before I became a ranger, I’d gone to school for environmental law.” My eyes widened and roamed over the hard, beautiful angles of his face. “Before I knew the kind of people my parents were, I went to school thinking I’d be able to help them.”

  He kissed my forehead again and stepped away, picking up the bottle of tequila for himself and taking a long sip.