Grave Humor

by RJ Blain

  Damned ghosts.

  “The old one isn’t going to be happy if you leave. He asked us to stand watch while he’s gone,” the old woman announced. “You’ll anger him.”

  My brows shot up at the implication Eoghan could also talk to ghosts. While various forms of undead were generally accepted in society, people had trouble believing in ghosts. Zombies? People could buy into the idea a corpse might get up and cause a fuss before burial. Vampires made their presence known and integrated into society. Mummies liked guarding things, and the devil’s heir tended to wake mummies up every time she visited a museum.

  It amazed me museums let her in the door at the rate she caused trouble in the exhibits. Then again, the mummies did tend to guard the museums they occupied, making them highly desired.

  But ghosts? Nope. For some unfathomable reason, people dug in their heels over the idea of ghosts being real.

  Magic tended to explain away the incorporeal undead. The bumps in the night with no known source? They blamed kids discovering practitioner tricks for the first time. The cold chills in the air? Once again, practitioners took the blame.

  Practitioners got blamed for a lot of things they didn’t do, although people were right to worry about those who mastered magic they hadn’t been born with. Sometimes, I thought about studying practitioner magic, despite its reputation.

  It beat staying a nobody forever, and practitioners weren’t classified as vanilla humans.

  The ghost watched me and waited.

  As she’d probably haunt me if I didn’t answer her, I replied, “If he wanted me to stay here, he would have told me to stay here. As he hadn’t told me that, I think I’ll go home and enjoy my bed.”

  “While this is true, it isn’t wise.” The ghost pointed at my wrapped arm, which hurt whenever I moved, but it would heal in time. I’d head to the doctor’s office near home to have it checked, get a prescription for an antibiotic I couldn’t afford to fill, and pretend like I had my shit together while I searched for a new job—or checked to see if Eoghan could actually afford minimum wage for whatever he needed me for.

  I could work with minimum wage. I’d just have to eat salty noodles for the rest of my life.

  “Why not? Experiencing new things is good. I’ve never escaped from a hospital before. What’s not wise about this?”

  “You have no money in that purse of yours, nor do you have your keys. He swiped them after conferring with the vampire. Deterrents to keep you from leaving, I believe.”

  I peeked into my purse to discover the antique had robbed me. Unfortunately for the antique, I had a spare key at the house I rented, and who needed an empty wallet anyway? It wasn’t like I could buy anything with money I didn’t have. The lack of identification would annoy me after a long sleep, but I figured Eoghan would be able to figure out where I lived with some help from Gordon or the CDC. “Mr. Arrogant Asshole needs to be knocked down a few pegs. First, I have a spare key. It is hidden somewhere safe and sound where I can readily retrieve it. Second, I think they’re serving chicken tomorrow, so you can tell the arrogant asshole this is an act of self-preservation.”

  The old woman cackled. “There’s nothing wrong with running so a handsome man will chase you. He looks like he’d just love to catch you and have you for dinner.”

  Great. I’d found a pervy ghost granny. “He’s not that handsome.”

  “It’s a good thing we’re in a hospital, dearie. You are in dire need of an eye exam. I might be dead, but I’m not blind.”

  “He’s older than you are.”

  “He’s very well preserved, then. I wonder how he pulled that off? He looks about your age. You two are cute together.”

  Ugh. Not only had I gotten the pervy ghost granny, she had matchmaking tendencies. “Black magic, obviously. And we are not cute together. He’s a swan, and I won’t call any duck ugly, so I’m going to go with being an earthworm in comparison. I’m probably just a cheap meal before he goes and finds someone better suited for his aesthetics.”

  “You should allow him to make some adjustments to your self-esteem. He’s probably great in bed thanks to all that experience he surely has.”

  “He’s probably diseased.”

  “Neutralizer can fix that.”

  I considered her point, nodding my agreement with her assessment. Neutralizer could fix a lot of things, including most sexually transmitted diseases. A few doses of neutralizer and some tender loving care would make Eoghan safe to take to my bed. At the very least, he could decorate my home. “He’s still the equivalent of a swan to my earthworm. I’ll pass.” Obviously, I hated myself, as only an idiot would pass at a chance to take a hot man to bed. Jumping out the window might save me, but then again, the truth would better serve me as a deterrent. “He’d hate me, as the experienced men typically dislike the added complexity of virgins.”

  There. I could go to my grave fully humiliated. I’d also go to my grave wondering just how experienced Eoghan was. He probably got women to undress just from smiling and inviting them to come home with him.

  I needed to hurry up, get over my issues with men, evict myself from the pool of virgins, and get the hell out of Sunset while I was at it.

  “Any man who can’t take proper care of a virgin doesn’t deserve a good woman in the first place. He’s a doter. The doters are the best unless you like it rough, then you need to teach them to handle you like they mean it. He looks versatile.”

  Heaven help me, I’d found the world’s most perviest granny. “You want him?”

  “Oh, no. No, no. These old bones of mine would intimidate that stallion. I’ll save him for you. After all, I wouldn’t want to ruin him for all other women.”

  Holy hell. The granny must have had one active sex life before she’d kicked the bucket. “That’s disturbing.” And irritating. I lived in a one-horse town, it’d take me at least four hours to walk home, and I’d spend the entire damned hike thinking about some deceased granny rejecting a ride with Eoghan because she worried she’d tire him out.

  Damn it. I wanted my job back along with the illusion of stability. In reality, without my next paycheck, I’d be getting the wrong kind of slow screw. Without money, I wouldn’t be paying my rent.

  If I couldn’t pay the rent, I foresaw myself falling prey to the antique’s scheming or trying my luck as a homeless woman living on the streets. I couldn’t guess what Eoghan wanted with me, so I assumed I’d be facing life as a homeless woman in search of viable work. While death would have simplified matters, I needed to play with the cards I’d been dealt. Regretting my decision to wager with Eoghan changed nothing.

  No matter how I viewed it, screwed only scratched the surface of my issues. I sighed and considered my choices, which were few and far between.

  “You could go hunt your pretty man and have him tuck you in,” the pervy granny suggested. “He’s probably at the hotel across the street, and I’d bet he’d like it if you crawled into bed with him. While naked. He looked hungry.”

  The truth always worked best when faced with a pervy ghost granny on a matchmaking mission. “The last thing I need right now is a man.”

  “Well, you’re stuck with that one, honey. He means business.”

  That I could believe. “What’s the easiest way out of this joint?”

  “At this time of night? Good luck. You can wander the floor, but they monitor the stairwells and elevators at night. You can get out if you say you’re in need of a smoke, though. They’ve got a section for the cranky who aren’t authorized to have pixie dust. They’d have much higher satisfaction rates if they just gave all the inmates pixie dust.”

  She considered the patients to be inmates? Then again, the hospital had a rather confining atmosphere, and as a ghost, she’d be sticking around for a lot longer than she likely wanted. “Well, that sucks.”

  “They’ll let you out more in the morning.”

  “That sucks a little less, but it still sucks.”

  “It would b
e easiest on you if you waited patiently until morning.”

  Well, I had asked for what was easiest, and staying put was the path of least resistance—it just prevented my escape. Then again, escaping would send Eoghan an important message:

  I would not be an easy conquest.

  Four

  They need to leave so I can thoroughly scold you.

  A plaintive whine that I needed a smoke got me outside. The hospital boasted a well-traveled path to where those lighting up bitched and moaned about the cruelty of being forced to have their cigarettes outside while the pixie dust junkies got their hits inside.

  A hit of pixie dust would make everything better, but I hadn’t qualified for it. I expected the money had something to do with it. The hospital-grade dust cost a lot more than the standard crap served in licensed coffee shops, and I couldn’t afford the standard crap.

  They likely figured they were sparing me from the sticker shock when the bill came in. Truth be told, I would appreciate that later. Director Hammel would ultimately be responsible for paying the bill, assuming he was found so he could be charged for his crimes. But until then, the bill belonged to me.

  Hooray.

  “If they would offer us hits of dust, we wouldn’t be freezing our asses off out here,” an older man complained between puffs, dragging his IV stand along with him while he paced. As the youngest, and the only one without an IV stand, I drew a lot of unwanted attention. “What are you in for, sweetheart?”

  If he called me sweetheart again, I’d be in for a charge of assault when I took his IV stand and shoved it up his ass. I showed off the bandage covering my stitches instead. “A vampire got a hold of me.”

  Everyone stared, and despite having already bummed a cigarette, several offered me another. I accepted one, and I found myself the happy owner of an entire pack and a lighter to go with it. “Thanks.”

  “After that sort of attack, they should have you on a drip of dust,” my elderly benefactor announced. “I’ve been bitten before. It is not a good time.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t say no to some dust right now, but these will help in the meantime.” I saluted him with my new pack. “What’s stopping any of you from just walking off, anyway?”

  “Nothing,” everyone chorused.

  Hmm. I’d have to tell Eoghan that the granny with a perverted side had done her best to convince me to stay, sometime after I went home and sulked over my new circumstances. After having my arm chewed up, I deserved to indulge in a sulk. “Do you know what happens when someone does decide to wander off?”

  They nodded, and the eldest of the lot, who already had one foot in the grave and insisted on flipping the devil off before kicking the bucket, replied, “You get the bill for the care you were given. They don’t care unless you show up back here in worse shape, then they’ll fine you five hundred for being stupid. It’s called the second admittance fee, but really, it’s a fine for being an idiot.”

  I bet the old geezer had a reputation of running away and had amassed a huge debt in second admittance fees. “Nice. What’s the best way out of here?”

  They pointed down the trail, which meandered through the dark woods.

  “That’s not scary at all,” I muttered. “Where does that go?”

  “It’ll take you right to the bus stop.”

  The bus stop wouldn’t do me any good, not without any cash or a pass, but it would take me to the road, which would eventually lead me home. I wouldn’t like the walk. The walk might finish me off. In good news, I’d stashed some pudding in my otherwise empty pantry, and unless some bastard had taken my keys and stolen the fresh milk from the fridge, I had enough to make it and have milk to drink with it. Some chocolate would help. Chocolate always helped.

  “Thanks for the help and the smokes. Have yourselves a good night.”

  As promised, the trail led to the bus stop and the road, and I headed for the questionable comfort of home.

  No amount of chocolate pudding could salvage a morning involving my dead-beat parents. Had I not expected Eoghan to show up, I wouldn’t have answered the door at all, especially not while dressed in my pajamas and eating right out of the mixing bowl.

  Damn it, damn it, damn it. Why couldn’t I have been blessed with some form of fire magic? I would’ve torched the bastards and been done with them if only I had the right spark of magic. “What now?” I demanded, debating slamming the door in their faces.

  “We need money,” my mother announced, and her tone implied she expected me to give it to her without a fuss.

  Had they lost their minds? Me? Give them money? “What makes you think I have any money to give you?”

  Then, because my life needed some extra spice to go with the bitter brew of parental visitation, a limo pulled up the street, and a rather annoyed Eoghan emerged wearing a modern black suit. The only way he’d look better would be naked in my bed immediately if not sooner.

  Damn it all. Modern times worked wonders on the man, and I was the one thirsty and hungry for a chance with him. The pervy granny had it all wrong. Who cared if he was hungry? With him in that suit, I’d have to work hard to keep my hands off him.

  Fortunately for me, nobody had said I couldn’t look.

  To add to my problems, Gordon stepped out of the limo, hissed at the sunlight, and headed my way.

  I could keep Eoghan outside to yank on his chain, but I wouldn’t risk the vampire. I got out of his way and gestured for him to enter my home. “The curtains are drawn in the living room, and there’s a basement if that’s not dark enough for you. The basement’s bare, though, but I can bring something down for you if you need.”

  “Thank you, Lady Anwen. The living room should be fine.” The vampire dipped into a bow before strolling inside, and he relaxed the moment he stepped out of the sunlight.

  My parents sputtered.

  “As I was saying, I don’t know what makes you think I have money, but there’s no way in fucking hell I’m paying for your drugs or hookers. I have enough trouble paying my rent.”

  Eoghan’s huff fringed on snort territory, and if looks could kill, my entire family would’ve fallen over dead, myself included. As I wasn’t going to let some pre-emergence antique frighten me, I looked him in the eyes and ate more of my pudding before asking, “And what’s your problem?”

  He reached out and rubbed his thumb against the corner of my mouth, stared me in the eyes, and licked my chocolate off his skin.

  How unfair.

  “You ran away,” he replied after his rather indecent and suggestive pause.

  Okay. I had no idea what I was supposed to do beyond invite him to go to my room and get naked, but I couldn’t let him just come to my house and steal my damned chocolate off my mouth. “You need to go away until I deal with my parents.”

  That might buy me enough time to cool off and convince my hormones to take a hike and a chill pill.

  “I think not. They need to leave so I can thoroughly scold you.”

  My peace of mind went on vacation and took my common sense with it, as I enjoyed the thought of him scolding me while dressed to my liking. “I ran off because I don’t need even more medical bills.”

  “Detox?” my mother asked.

  “Fuck you and go away. Eoghan, in. The assholes, leave. I’m not giving you a cent. You took my damned college funds to pay for your shit habits. I have chocolate pudding, and you’re out of your fucking mind if you think I am going to share any with you.”

  Eoghan opened his mouth, and I shoved a spoonful of pudding onto his tongue to keep him quiet. “In, Eoghan.”

  The bastard took my spoon with him. Whatever. I had fingers, and I wasn’t afraid to use them. I didn’t need to impress anyone, especially my parents. They could kiss my ass.

  “We need money,” my mother said.

  “And I need a high school diploma, a college degree, and a new job. Get in line. Just because you two decided to have sex with each other doesn’t mean you get to leech off me. Go
find some other idiot to leech from.” I stepped into my house and slammed the door before locking it. They cursed at me, and I flipped my middle finger at the peep hole.

  “How interesting,” Eoghan said.

  “Don’t start.” I turned to him, snatched my spoon, and marched for my barren kitchen. “If I ignore them, they’ll eventually go away.”

  They might knock their knuckles bloody on my door first, but they’d eventually go away. It might take calling the cops, but they’d eventually go away.

  “I’m paying your medical bills. I’ve already made arrangements. That insolent fool will pay restitutions, and the excess belongs to you. I have been told I will be compensated for all fees I’ve paid to restore your health.” Eoghan sat at my table like he owned the place, which wasn’t far from the truth. “This house. Do you like it?”

  I loved it, I hated it’d never be mine, and I meant to enjoy my last few weeks in it. “I do. I can only afford the rent because the couple who used to live here moved, and they figured I could pay their mortgage, which I can. Barely. This is too small of a town for there to be real apartments.”

  “Then I will handle the payments as part of your compensation for being my aide. I am told that’s the term I should use for you. Or personal assistant. They claim secretary would also be appropriate. Sacrifice, apparently, is an inappropriate term, as I am not murdering you or giving you to some jealous divine. I find their dislike of the term amusing.”

  I giggled at the thought of Cecily or another CDC representative calling Eoghan out on his term of choice. It also made me feel a little better about the situation, too.

  Aide or personal assistant sounded a lot better than sacrifice to me. Those roles also paid a lot better, too. “I see you have the CDC dancing to your tune. How did you pull that off?”

  “Gordon offered knowledge of the start of this emergence, and I, too, am offering historic knowledge of past emergences I was awake for. I have not been awake for all of them, but I have been awake during the strongest of them, which is what they want to study. A lot of those who were awake during those emergences do not like discussing them. Those were dark times.”