Grave Humor

by RJ Blain

  “That’s an antibiotic. It’ll help keep my arm from getting infected. I need to take it three times a day until they’re all gone.”

  “And the other one?”

  “Painkiller, the light-grade stuff.” I went for the third bottle, which would be my best friend for a while. “And this is prescription-level pixie dust. This is the good stuff. After taking one of these, I won’t give a shit if my arm hurts. Apparently, they feel Eoghan might flip his lid if I am in any discomfort at all. I now know my first line of offense when I have a condition that requires painkillers. I will make Eoghan deal with the doctors.”

  “Pixie dust.” Eoghan wrinkled his nose. “In my time, that was frowned upon. Now, it is prescribed as a remedy?”

  “It’s a safe recreational drug. Just don’t get the top-grade stuff. That’s how you lose your free will. Otherwise, it’s harmless. It just makes you happy for a while. The higher grade stuff, like this, makes you happy, oblivious, and generally inclined to do what others want. The next grade up makes you powerless to do anything other than what you’re told. I’ll have a great time. You? You might not. A side-effect includes a tendency to try to make everyone happy, too.”

  “I do not see how this is a problem.”

  “As long as I think you’re happy all of the time, it probably won’t be. If I think you’re upset for any reason, I’m going to try to make you happy, and I will be obnoxious about it. I was on this once growing up, and I was a menace. I’m surprised my asshole parents didn’t drown me from trying to make everything better for everybody. I don’t remember much about it, which is one of the side effects of this grade of dust for me. My parents wish they could get this stuff, but the government is aware people chase highs so restrict the higher grades. You need a permit to get this grade or a prescription. Most people have theirs with coffee or some other drink.”

  “Yes, even in my time, the devil’s dust did the same. But then, we were not aware it is otherwise harmless.”

  “It’s been studied carefully. It’s harmless. It’s also used to make neutralizer.”

  “Neutralizer?”

  “It’s basically a miracle drug. It can cure a lot of ailments, it stops most viruses, it can reverse things like petrification—it’s basically the most useful thing ever made. It uses pixie dust to make it, but it undergoes some process. Apparently, it doesn’t take too much pixie dust to make it, and the pixies are paid good money to shed wing glitter to produce it.”

  “The pixies are willing?”

  “Of course. They’re paid for their dust. The higher the grade of dust, the better they’re paid. It doesn’t hurt them at all, and it actually helps them. They can get sick if they don’t shed enough of their dust.”

  “Interesting. The last emergence, they were considered winged devils.”

  “Nah, Satan doesn’t want pixies. They’re far too nice and cheerful for his hells, or some such like that. Someone asked him once.”

  Eoghan’s eyes widened. “Someone asked Satan?”

  “Sure. He lives in Georgia right now. From what I’ve seen of him, a pretty nice guy for being, well, the devil. He’s got a daughter—”

  “How can he have a daughter?”

  “He adopted her.”

  Eoghan’s mouth dropped open. “That’s not right!”

  “What’s not right about it? I mean, if you look at the legend and lore, he’s not really supposed to be a family man, but everything I’ve seen indicates he dotes on his daughter to the point she wants to kill him. She hasn’t had any luck on that front. There’s an entire website dedicated to the devil’s activities on Earth, and frankly, it’s pretty funny most of the time. I sometimes used my work computer to follow his news.”

  “Are we talking about the same creature? Satan, the Lord of Hell? Lord of Lies? The Fallen?”

  “Yep. That’s the guy.”

  “And you think he’s a nice guy?”

  “Sure? I don’t know him personally, but he seems to be a much better parent than mine will ever be. His wife seems like an interesting lady, too. Most of the time, she takes the form of a succubus, but there are a few pictures of her wandering around as either a hybrid lycanthrope or a shapeshifter. Nobody is really sure which. Even his angelic brothers like him.”

  “What is wrong with this era?” Eoghan asked, his expression and tone of pure disgust.

  “Nothing.” I tried the stew, discovered it to be rich and full of flavor, and ate enough I could take my medications. “In five minutes, I’m going to be very, very happy. Tomorrow, I can take you somewhere to get you set up with everything you need to join modern times. When we’re back, I’ll take my next dose of pixie dust and resume being very happy. The world changed while you were napping. Change isn’t necessarily bad. It’s just change. So, the devil seems to be a pretty nice guy for someone who rules over the many hells. I guess for that faith, somebody has to do it. And anyway, for most, isn’t evil just a matter of perspective?”

  “How can evil be a matter of perspective?”

  “A mouse certainly thinks a cat is evil, but the barn’s owner loves the cat because it gets rid of the mouse, who eats their grain and may poison their food. It’s a matter of perspective. And really, the only time I think we need to worry is when everyone agrees something is evil—and that’s really evil.”

  “Wouldn’t that be the devil himself?” Eoghan asked. “He is the fallen one, after all.”

  “Angels fall. Maybe he was the first, but he wasn’t the last. Some new angel ultimately takes the old one’s place. The CDC has a whole section on their website dedicated to the various pantheons. Christianity is a fairly big deal here, so they have a lot about the Christian pantheon. Personally, I’m more of the agnostic bent.”

  “Agnostic?”

  “I’m unwilling to say I believe in any one specific thing but I am willing to believe there are higher powers out there, including the devil. Well, I’m less agnostic and more ‘I don’t care what you believe in but don’t ask me to believe in it, too.’ There are a lot of religions out there, and I don’t feel like adhering to any one of them. I think they’re all dangerous, and I’d rather not pick any side in that divine brawl. I’m not an atheist, though.”

  “Atheist?”

  “Atheism is the active disbelief in religion.”

  “Oh. Heathens.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Heathens are people who believe in something you don’t. That’s not atheism.”

  “I see modern times have become complicated.” Eoghan sighed. “To be expected, I suppose. Tell me. What do you think about dogs?”

  I perked up at his question. “Dogs? I fucking love dogs. They’re cute, they’re loyal, when they’re trained they do as they’re told, and they make good companions. I like lycanthropes, too—even the ones that aren’t wolves or canines. They get what it means to be loyal. Sunset has exactly zero lycanthropes, because Sunset is populated by a bunch of backwater racists.” I pointed at myself. “I am typically compared to a slightly overcooked loaf of bread, which is a barely tolerable shade as far as this shit town is concerned.”

  “Lycanthropes? You like the diseased?”

  Oy. There was Eoghan’s fatal flaw. Well, maybe I could beat it out of him with some work. It was worth a try. “Sure. As far as diseases go, I’ll take one that allows me to shapeshift into a dog. Or a cat. Or whatever else lycanthropes can become. Loyalty is sexy, and the virus demands it. Loyalty is very sexy. If men could be half as loyal as the diseased who can shapeshift into dogs, they’d be a lot more useful to me.”

  “Gordon? Has the world gone mad since I was last awake?”

  “No,” the vampire replied with a smile. “The world has become more tolerant and accepting of differences. This isn’t a bad thing, but it does make the world a strange place. When the emergence began, many thought as you do. Lycanthropy is a disease. It’s been at least eighty years since I was killed for the second time. Even then, people were beginning to accept they might bec
ome infected. It’s hard to hate the diseased when it’s your sister, brother, father, or mother. Small towns tend to maintain their loathing of those who aren’t pure. That CDC agent said Lady Anwen is registered as a pure vanilla human. Her DNA is predominantly human, she has no magic despite making scanners ping, and this makes her a prime specimen of what it is to be human nowadays. In a larger city, she would be showcased for her pedigree.”

  “Her pedigree?” Eoghan asked, and his tone took on a dark edge.

  I giggled. “You get offended over that, but you don’t get offended over actually offensive things.”

  “And that would be the pixie dust kicking in,” Gordon said, smiling and shaking his head. “Well, Eoghan. You were concerned about her. She’s going to be the happiest of women for a while, but have fun bringing her down from the clouds. The dust is particularly potent, and she wasn’t kidding about how it makes people behave. The nicer the person, the more desperate they are to make others happy, too. Just smile a lot, and that should keep her people pleasing ways at bay. I’ll look into that other matter we discussed while you keep an eye on her.”

  “I’ll take care of her. Stay safe while handling your business.”

  “I’ll call you if there’s an issue.”

  Eoghan sighed. “Must you? Those things are disturbing.”

  “Anwen, he has a phone in his pocket. Make him answer it should I call him.”

  “Okay! I can do that.”

  Gordon chuckled. “Finish your stew, and if you’re still hungry after, make yourself another bowl.”

  “Oh. I’m always hungry.”

  “Not anymore,” Eoghan muttered beneath his breath.

  As telling him the realities of uncertain income wouldn’t help anything, I focused on my dinner instead, grateful for what I had and determined to not worry about what tomorrow would bring for a little while.

  Tomorrow brought an angel and an incubus to my door, and there wasn’t enough pixie dust on the planet to deal with a headless divine engaging in an argument with a gorgeous sex demon wearing a suit. Suits were a problem. When hot men wore suits, my common sense dribbled out of my ears. For several minutes, I enjoyed the view, doing a mental comparison of the demon and Eoghan.

  It bothered the hell out of me I couldn’t figure out which one took the top prize for sexiest male on the block. As far as I could tell, the angel and demon were arguing over a woman, they’d forgotten they’d knocked on my door and bothered me, and had captured the attention of my neighbors.

  Like me, Mrs. Smithy took her time admiring the incubus. As far as the older married women in town went, she was one of the nicer ones, probably because she saw the shit my parents pulled every few weeks. While I disliked her pity, it beat the constant barrage of disapproval the older women across town tended to fling in my direction.

  My parents would have given the town gossip fodder for a month. An angel and an incubus would keep people speculating for a year. Add in Eoghan, and I’d be the talk of the town for the rest of my life.

  I waited in my doorway with Eoghan standing nearby, his body tense. He wore a new suit, and I wondered how the CDC had gotten them for him under such short notice, especially in a place like Sunset. Nobody outside of church or the funeral home wore suits at all, and everybody went over to one of the larger towns nearby to buy clothes.

  “Excuse me?” I asked, already regretting I hadn’t taken my morning medications yet.

  The incubus shook his wings, smacked the angel with his tail, and smiled at me.

  Eoghan scowled.

  “I’m not going to seduce her,” the incubus announced. “She’s not my type.”

  Wow. I’d been rejected a lot over the years, but never by a sex demon who lived to despoil virgins. I considered going back inside, getting my pixie dust, and downing the entire damned bottle.

  The angel smacked the incubus with its wing hard enough to knock him off my front steps. “He would absolutely love to deflower you, Miss Nash. That’s what they do the instant they are not carefully supervised. I assure you, this one is being supervised. He was attempting to prevent a rather bitter dispute with your companion, who would not be pleased over such seductions.”

  For a headless being lacking any obvious sexuality, the angel sounded remarkably male.

  “Now that I’ve started my morning with being rejected by an incubus, how can I help you?”

  “The CDC requested angelic verification about the events leading up to you choosing to wake a slumbering vampire.”

  “Gordon, there’s an angel and a demon here asking about you,” I hollered into the house.

  “Can you ask them to come back tonight? I’m getting ready to sleep.”

  I still found it amusing the vampire loved the couch despite being invited to take over my bedroom for the day. I had no idea what I was going to do with Eoghan, but I’d cross that bridge when I came to it. As far as I knew, he was sleeping on the couch when Gordon wasn’t.

  Ugh. I was jealous over my damned couch, which was getting more action from men than I had in my entire lifetime.

  “Can you please come back tonight? The slumbering vampire wishes to slumber.”

  “The vampire is here?”

  “His name is Gordon, and he’s currently catching a nap on my couch. I have good curtains in the living room, so he’s safe enough from the burning daystar.”

  “I had not been told the vampire—”

  “Gordon,” I corrected.

  “Gordon was staying with you.”

  “Is there a reason he shouldn’t be staying with me? He’s a vampire, not Satan, Lucifer, or whatever you angels call the devil.”

  “Any one of those names is an appropriate form of address, although I would caution you about invoking his name. He gets curious and sometimes decides to show up when his name is invoked.”

  “Really? I can just say his name and he might appear? Do I need to click my heels together? Should I dress nicely first? How does one go about potentially summoning Christianity’s biggest bad guy?”

  “I would not precisely call him the biggest bad guy,” the angel replied. “He is more like the jail warden, although he has, by his very nature, sinned. Other pantheons tend to disapprove of our particular family feud, as they do not rate Lucifer’s sins as worth the punishment he paid for it. Of course, Lucifer does not view his punishment as much of a punishment, either. He is merely grouchy most days of the week. I would be, too, if I had to deal with so many sinners whining over their punishments. Worse, he has to deal with the sinners of the other pantheons, too. Hades quit, and Anubis and the other Egyptian divines are on vacation right now.”

  “Hades quit?” I blurted. “The others are on vacation?”

  “Why have multiple divines doing the same job? Lucifer does the job well enough, and Hades has picked up some new roles, as have the other divines of death from varying faiths. In truth, not even Lucifer is truly needed. The universe itself ensures the souls can be sorted if there is no one else available for the job. The universe prefers to stay out of mortal affairs, though. The Egyptians will show up and do some of the heavy lifting if Lucifer needs some time off from dealing with the sinners.”

  If the angel kept talking, I would develop a headache not even pixie dust could cure. “Is there a reason I need to know this?”

  “Yes,” the angel answered.

  “No,” Eoghan announced the instant the angel quieted.

  Okay. That got my attention and piqued my curiosity. “Why yes? And Eoghan, I’ll ask you why no in a moment.”

  Eoghan huffed. “Angels are meddling beasts.”

  I regarded the angel, trying to decide how he classified as a beast. “Angels are more like headless humans with wings rather than beasts. Sure, they’re a little creepy, but that’s hardly a reason to call him a beast.”

  “A little creepy is more generous than most,” the angel said, his tone amused. “He did not mean beast as in animal, Miss Anwen, but rather in the sense he vi
ews me as a monster and a threat. He is not wrong. Lucifer is the one who is typically called the beast, but one might view angels as monsters as well. We have power, and we do not necessarily use our power for the sake of specific humans. Your companion understands the universal laws better than most, and he is aware of what my presence means in its entirety. You’ll find him a most annoying mongrel, although harmless enough to you.”

  I snickered, peeking at the incubus, who stretched out on my grass without a care in the world. “Your friend seems to be tired.”

  “He is lazy, rather annoying, and determined to vex me as often as possible. You are fortunate he will not challenge your companion for your company. He tends to stick around, worse than any mosquito I have had the misfortune of meeting. It is annoying having to swat those wretched things out of existence. They are not wise enough to leave me alone.”

  “What do you need to know about what happened at the funeral home?”

  “Primarily, I need to verify you were willing to restore the vampire to his unlife.”

  “I was willing. I was aware of the risks when I did it, and Eoghan made a recommendation to make it as safe for me as possible. I would do it again.”

  “Thank you for your honesty. And your companion?”

  “What about him? I didn’t help him get up. He got up all on his own. He startled me, but that was all. He also spouted some nonsense about sacrifices.”

  “In his first era, someone would be chosen to accompany him. It was called a sacrifice because it typically meant that someone would be separated from their family and friends. It was also considered a great honor to be chosen.”

  Eoghan grunted.

  “His era was weird.”

  The angel laughed. “That is very true. It was as weird as this one, although the era of his birth was a much more violent and unpleasant place in many ways. He will need to adapt to the relative peace of modern society.”

  “I have noticed he doesn’t like screaming.”

  The angel remained quiet for a while. “Yes, I suppose he wouldn’t. What do you call yourself now?”