Grave Humor

by RJ Blain

  I’d heard of necromancy before, although few toyed with such magics, as it could have dire consequences. “Are you a necromancer?”

  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take someone who used the dead as a puppet to bed with me, and it would put a bit of a damper on our non-existent relationship.

  “No, I’m nothing so foul as that lot. Well, I don’t know if your necromancers are like the ones I knew. The ones I knew were foul at best. It makes sense why you might think I am one, however. The necromancers I’m familiar with can read the truth in that method, but they’re far more limited than I am. They can only ask one question of the body. I can learn the entire truth. But I am not a necromancer and have no interest in controlling the dead or falsely bringing them back to life.”

  Huh. “There were necromancers back then, too? I’ll admit, I don’t really know much about them except they work some type of death magic.”

  “Of course. There were many forms of magic that dealt with the dead and dying back then. Humans had not yet come to terms with their lifespan. When I first lived, most were lucky to live to see forty. A few lived many long years, but they were few and far between—or touched by the gods who were still forming.”

  “The divines weren’t just there?”

  “No, of course not. Most of the divines, with limited exception, are creations.”

  Hello, information. “Created by whom, exactly?”

  “People, of course. The power of belief in an era of magic is a magnificent thing, Anwen. Be careful what you wish for. You may get it.”

  I returned to attempting to make sense of Eoghan’s finances and new life, and I wondered.

  It took me several hours to confirm what I’d guessed when I’d first gotten a hold of Eoghan’s finances. The man had turned the wealth of the past into an empire for himself, one he could enjoy without lifting a finger. The previous caretaker, a thirty-six year old named Jones, had left a meticulous list of all contacts in charge of Eoghan’s accounts, contact information, and account instructions, which I’d use as the basis for preserving the antique’s prosperity.

  The account managers split ten percent of the profits, I would take ten percent of the profits for dealing with the managers and the details of Eoghan’s daily life, and Eoghan got the rest, distributed to his various accounts depending on where the funds had come from.

  From banking to general investing to even patent licensing, Eoghan’s empire had a little of everything.

  It might take me an entire lifetime to make sense of it all.

  Lucky antique bastard. No wonder he’d come out of the freezer as an arrogant asshole. He had expected to step into a world of luxury straight from his lengthy nap.

  With no other excuse to delay, I dug out the employment terms the CDC had drawn up for Eoghan, wondering what sort of fresh hell waited for me—and what sort of pay I’d receive. In truth, the ten percent I’d skim just from managing the people managing his money would last me an entire lifetime after one or two years, assuming they didn’t screw the pooch on whatever they did to earn him money.

  According to the front sheet, I would get full health insurance, my entire premiums paid for by him and offered through the CDC, which would give me the best of the best. No doctor’s office refused CDC coverage, and I’d be able to get any treatments necessary to keep me alive—and I’d never pay for any of it.

  With the CDC, complete coverage meant just that.

  I considered setting up a shrine to every damned divine I could think of to thank them for my change of fortunes.

  “Did you sell your soul to get this insurance plan?” I demanded, smacking my hand onto the paper. I couldn’t comprehend my actual base salary, which was more than seven times what I’d been paid at the funeral home before bonuses. I’d gone from the lowest of the low to competing with the wealthiest in town. One part of me wanted to jump Eoghan right then and there, although I blamed his suit for that general reaction.

  Even without the year-end bonus and the ten percent from his account growth and new ventures, I could buy honey rocks whenever I wanted, and I wouldn’t worry if they’d be the reason I starved before my next paycheck.

  Mhmm. Honey rocks. A pair of them, just for me. I added a trip to the grocery store to my list of things I needed to do. I’d even get four honey rocks, and I’d give one to Eoghan and share the other with Gordon, which would give me two honey rocks plus one with a few bite marks taken out of it.

  I’d even one up the honey rocks and get a few kiwis, too.

  Somehow, I kept from licking my lips.

  Eoghan grunted. “No, I merely informed them I couldn’t give them the knowledge they wanted if I needed to spend my time worrying about your health. This was their solution to that problem. I commented you were willing to threaten your health because of financial concerns, and I found that to be reprehensible at best. I also mentioned that you are the kind to willingly cut open your wrist for the sake of a captive vampire, so I recommended Gordon be cared for as well, and that I would pay for his health plan as needed. I’ve been told it’s harder for a solo vampire to make a good living in this era. I find it interesting vampires tend to have large family groups, much like how wolves live and hunt in packs. Now that I have had time to think about it, I find it very gratifying this era belongs to the lycanthropes, though.”

  Eoghan liked lycanthropes? He hadn’t before. “Huh. There’s a lot of prejudices against lycanthropes, although I like them. There’s a lot to be said about the benefits of the infection. It doesn’t hurt I really like dogs.” I referred to the file of agreements on the laptop. “You’re only paying a hundred a month for full coverage for us and for Gordon. You’re getting away with highway robbery.”

  “I have been told the hundred a month will cover administrative fees, as any incidents and care require CDC employees to make certain everything goes smoothly. Your hospital trip, for example, required several hours of someone handling the paperwork. I thought this was fair, although I am unclear still on how much these handlers are paid. Money does not work the same way now as it did when I was last awake. Coin did exist, but the poor bartered more often than not—and most were poor.”

  “But you weren’t.”

  “I discovered the value of silver, gold, and some other precious things early, and I founded my wealth on those. I learned to trade where these things were rare, and that began my empire. My caretakers continued my empire. The last time I awoke, I still had much of these things left.”

  I searched the computer for gemstones and precious metals, and several files came up, which supported his claim. According to one of the documents, he owned numerous mines—and the caretaker had meticulously detailed workers’ rights to make them as safe as possible.

  It amazed me that Eoghan’s ethics had survived centuries without his presence reinforcing his wishes.

  Damn. I could get away with calling him arrogant, but the asshole part of my favored nickname for him lost a lot of steam when I considered the foundations of his wealth and how he liked to operate.

  Argh. How could I make use of my favorite barb if the arrogant asshole refused to be an asshole? How unfair. Worse, it made me want to take him to bed even more than before.

  His bad boy appeal partnered with seeming like a good person in general did terrible things for my peace of mind. I needed a cold shower, but focusing on work would do in the meantime. “It does seem like you own a lot of mines and things like that. It’s going to take a lot of time to figure all of this out.”

  “And I still need to acquire a proper phone for you. Have you taken your remedies?”

  I’d taken everything but the pixie dust, as I hadn’t wanted to be impaired while trying to figure out the rest of my life. “I’m good there, but I’ll bring the bottles in case we’re out longer than I expect. I’ll take the pixie dust with dinner so I can sleep tonight.”

  “Excellent. Tell me. Do you drive?”

  “Do I? No. Can I? Yes. That’s the one t
hing my dipshit parents hadn’t screwed up. I’m licensed. I just can’t afford a car.” It took forty minutes to walk to work, and luckily for me, the town’s bus had a stop near the house and another near the funeral home for the rainy days.

  “You can afford a car now. More accurately, I can afford a car, which I will purchase for you. Cars are much more comfortable than wagons, chariots, or even carriages. I will use my card to purchase a nice one, although you will have to help me judge what a nice one is. Now, if you want to know what a good horse is, I can help you with that. But your cars have an unfortunate lack of horses.”

  When he found out engines were rated by their horsepower, I bet he’d have a fit. “We’ll have to head over to a different town for that. There are no car dealerships here. Well, none that you want a vehicle from. The town’s mechanic fixes up the junkers so they can last a little longer, but they’re pieces of shit.”

  “I do not wish to handle any shit.”

  I giggled. “Neither do I. Will Gordon be fine on his own?”

  “Vampires rest lightly, and any foolish enough to enter your home will find themselves in an unfortunate position. I have been told a donor or two will come by tonight to offer him sustenance. He’ll be thirsty by then, so I believe your home will be safe enough.”

  “I was less concerned about the house and more concerned about him, but that will work. Did the CDC say how I’d be paid?”

  “You have been put into a payroll system they manage, and they have access to one of the accounts to draw your wages from. They are also handling the tax issues. Taxes,” he spat. “There’s no escape from those wretched things, not even after a thousand years.”

  “Then I guess I’ll call a cab. I’m sure you can afford it.”

  Given two weeks and my first pay, I’d be able to afford it, too.

  Whomever said money couldn’t buy happiness needed their head examined, because it’d been a long damned time since anything had made me quite as happy as knowing I could afford dinner.

  Then again, after stealing a few peeks at Eoghan in his suit, I could think of a few things that’d make me pretty damned happy, and getting him out of his shirt for a look topped my list. After I took him car and phone shopping, I needed to get my head examined.

  I’d just blame Gordon. The blood loss had gotten to me. Then again, small-town life and no men up for grabs had gotten to me, too.

  Until the town’s single women figured out Eoghan was around, I’d enjoy the scenery. Then I’d contemplate murder because no matter how much things changed, they stayed the same, especially in a place like Sunset.

  The instant Eoghan spotted the black Chevy Silverado, he stilled, his eyes widened, and I understood the war had been lost. Men loved a big, powerful truck, and the Silverado delivered. My driveway would barely fit the workhorse, and Eoghan would become the talk of the town, as everyone around wanted the biggest, baddest Chevy money could buy.

  Even me. No, especially me. Every time I rode in a big truck, the sense of invulnerability and power went straight to my head along with a healthy dose of security.

  The men would be after him and his truck more than the women would be after him and his money. On the way home, I’d buy extra popcorn, as I couldn’t buy such entertainment anywhere. I’d enjoy the show, as Sunset had an unfair population of handsome men, and they’d congregate on my lawn.

  Forget the milkshakes, the truck would bring the men to my yard. Best of all, with the help of an angel and an incubus, I’d figured out Eoghan really was the jealous kind, so my truck would result in a peacock display from the antique.

  For once in my life, things were looking good.

  While Eoghan drooled, I hunted for a salesman, pointing at the Silverado. “We want that one. How long until I can pick it up and drive it home?”

  “It’s already ready. The original buyer backed out right after we got it onto the lot and ready for them. He was going to pay upon delivery, but it didn’t work out. It’s not quite fully loaded, but it’ll do just about anything you want except pull a fifth wheel. If you need to pull a fifth wheel on it, we’ll need a day to set it up.”

  That worked for me. “We don’t need a fifth wheel. Any miles on it?”

  “Two, which came from a test drive around the block and on and off the truck.”

  Huh. Good luck rained down on me, and I took a moment to thank whichever benevolent divine had decided to be nice to me for a change. I might even give up my agnostic ways for a few minutes as a gesture of gratitude for my changed fortunes. “Can I drive it off the lot today if we’re paying cash?”

  “If you’re paying cash, I can give you a discount while I’m at it. You’ll have to run on dealer tags until tomorrow, though; the DMV is already closed. You’ll need to provide insurance information for the vehicle. Assuming you have everything in order, we can process the sale of the truck within an hour. The manager is available to sign off on it.”

  Ugh. Insurance. Fortunately, any insurance company worth its salt would cover me over the phone, although I didn’t look forward to explaining why I was getting a truck when I was the assistant of a rich man. Then again, it beat getting a truck while I was working over at the funeral home.

  “Just give me the paperwork, and I’ll take care of that tomorrow and return the dealership tags as soon as its official plates are on. I want to be out of here as soon as possible. I want the best warranty you’ve got on it, and if it hasn’t been rust-proofed, I need to know how long it’ll take to apply it.”

  “It’s rust-proofed and has an extra layer of protective coating on the paint. The initial owner was planning to make it earn its keep, but the money didn’t work out. A pity, because it’s a good truck.”

  I glanced at Eoghan, who prowled around my new truck. If a man looked at me like he looked at the vehicle, I’d be set for life.

  Oh, well.

  Lucky truck.

  “Can you ask one of the salesmen to wax eloquent over the truck while I fill out the paperwork?” I’d be able to put Eoghan’s debit card to the test, but I’d have to call someone at the CDC to unlock the account to pay for the vehicle. Someone would laugh at me before I finished, that much I knew. “Preferably someone who can convince him that the truck is the best thing ever to walk into his life.”

  “I think we can manage that, although it looks like he’s doing a good job of convincing himself that truck is all he ever wanted.”

  “Just wait until the salesman figures out he has no idea how trucks work,” I muttered. “It’s my truck, I’ll just be driving him around.”

  “Lucky man.”

  No, lucky truck. Rather than argue with him, I smiled. Smiling tended to put people at ease, and sure enough, he led me into the building to begin the gauntlet of paperwork required to make the vehicle mine.

  The CDC call took all of five minutes, the payment for over eighty thousand cleared without a hitch, and the CDC hooked me up with an insurance company who wouldn’t take me for my soul.

  Fifty-three minutes after arriving, I became the proud owner of a truck, and the entire time, Eoghan stayed with his new baby, examining every inch of it. According to the scuffs on his suit, he’d even crawled under it for a look at the undercarriage. The salesman watched with open amusement, especially when the antique stroked the glossy black paint.

  “Goodness, Eoghan. Are you petting it?”

  “There are a lot of horses under the hood of this truck, and I’ve been told it’ll roar like a lion when you rev the engine.”

  Yep, the truck had gotten to him. I unlocked the truck, opened the door, and used the step to climb inside. I put the keys in the ignition and started the engine. Sure enough, the truck rumbled, growled, and did a pretty good impression of a roar. “It looks like there’s truth in advertising.”

  “They just let you get into the truck?”

  “Yes, because I bought the truck using your money while you were admiring it. These nice gentlemen are going to remove the sticker
s and make sure we have our dealership tags, and then we’ll do the rest of our chores. You don’t get to drive it, but you can listen to the horses whine and the lion growl and roar while I drive you around. Fortunately for you, this monster of a truck will fit in my driveway. You’re going to be the talk of the town as soon as anyone finds out you got this baby. It is customary to name such a nice vehicle, but since I’m the driver, I get to name it.”

  Technically, the truck was mine, but it seemed wrong to deny the man his baby. Having a new love of his life would make his integration into the modern world easier.

  I could come to an agreement with the truck. She could have him outside of the house. I could have him inside of the house. We could share without serious issues.

  “That seems fair.” Eoghan circled the truck, opened the passenger door, and got inside. He buckled in as he’d been taught, and when he closed the door, the panel with buttons drew his attention. “What do these do?”

  “They control the locks and windows.” I reached over and pressed the button to lock the doors, and they clicked. Then I showed him how the windows worked before drawing his attention to his personal air conditioning dials. “These can change the temperature to whatever you like.”

  “This truck is magical,” he whispered.

  Yep, I owned one lucky truck. “She’s a nice truck. I’m naming her Lady Luck.” I patted the dashboard. “One day, I will even teach you how to drive her.”

  “Is it difficult to learn how to drive?”

  “Not really, but you need to learn how to read English first.”

  “Consider me a very motivated student, please.”

  Damn. Given a few minutes, I really would be jealous of my damned truck. “I’ll have to repay you for the truck, though. I bought her with your money, but she’s in my name.”

  “Consider her a gift, then. I can’t drive her, and when I learn to drive, I will buy myself one just like her. Perhaps in a different color, so it is easy to tell which beauty belongs to who.”