Grave Humor

by RJ Blain

  “The devil is giving her a horse,” Eoghan grumbled.

  “He is giving you both horses, and you will find them amusing. He is giving you four horses, which will keep you sufficiently busy. Perhaps they will help you with a certain matter.”

  Hammel. I wrinkled my nose. “Is it too much to ask for him to just bugger off?”

  “Some things you must handle yourself. This is one of them. We have meddled as much as we can. These are insignificant things we have done.”

  I gestured at the papers and the laptop. “This is not insignificant!”

  “To us, it is. It is but the faintest ripple in even your life. Humans always fail to remember most of life’s inconveniences will pass, often sooner than they believe possible. I recommend you try to get some sleep and look at your life with fresh eyes in the morning.”

  Michael disappeared, and I grunted at the archangel’s abrupt departure. “I feel like I’m missing something important, and I don’t know what it is, and that’s starting to really annoy me.”

  Expressing my frustration helped.

  “I’m missing something, too,” Eoghan admitted. “I suspect we’ll figure it out when we locate the node. They tend to be wells of power and insight—or at least every one I’ve encountered. But who knows? Well, beyond those busybody archangels and the devil.”

  I waited for Lucy to show up, but the kitchen remained devoid of the Lord of Lies. “How about you, Gordon?”

  “I think I’ve mostly figured it out,” the vampire confessed. “But I’m not fully certain, so I’m not ready to share my theory yet. I believe it’ll be confirmed soon enough—and if you don’t figure it out on your own, I’ll explain my theory. I could be wrong.”

  “Is it detrimental to any of us?”

  “No, I don’t think so. It’s just strange.”

  I’d lived and breathed strange since beginning my work at the funeral home. “Then it’ll keep for a few nights. I’m ready for bed. Gordon, should Hammel show up, drain the fucker dry. Just do it on the front lawn and when the police ask, request an angel and tell him you were acting in defense of another.”

  Eoghan laughed. “I love how you are finding a way to get away with premeditated murder and feeding our companion properly.”

  “Is that feeding him properly? Gordon would be sacrificing his stomach for us. Hammel can’t be good for his digestion.”

  Both the vampire and the antique considered my words, and as one, they nodded their agreement with my assessment.

  I smiled and headed to bed, wondering what tomorrow would bring.

  Sixteen

  Fire can purify anything.

  I needed to take my sense of curiosity, stab it in the back, dump it in a hole, fill the hole with acid, and wait until it was reduced to an oozing puddle, and bury it. Had I been wise, I would have hired a demolition crew to handle my parents’ house.

  My parents were a lot of things, but they could smell a good deal just as well as I could smell the rotting garbage and dead animals in the basement. Garbage removal cost in town, something that annoyed me on a good week, and my parents’ solution to the problem was to turn the basement into a landfill.

  Death was too good of a fate for those bastards.

  “Well,” Eoghan said, pinching his nose closed before braving the steps, which creaked beneath him. In his other hand, he wielded a flashlight, which he pointed at the refuse filling the once large but barren concrete room. “I recommend fire. Fire can purify anything, even this.”

  “Burning it is illegal,” I replied, heaving a sigh over my misfortune. Eoghan’s light revealed the decaying corpses of several raccoons, which had likely fallen into the basement from a gap in the wall to die. Of what, I couldn’t tell. Water dripped from a leaky pipe overhead, and it was only a matter of time before the ceiling caved in. “I wonder if I could convince the government to give me an exception. I think you’re right. Purification by flames is the only choice.”

  “This is vile.”

  “Ain’t that the truth. I’m glad we left Gordon at the other house. Nobody deserves to see this. It’s a health hazard. Get back up here before those stairs collapse. I am so sorry I thought we should check the basement first.”

  “Well, at least we know what the smell is,” Eoghan replied, and after a moment of hesitation, he retreated to me, and he shuddered. “Your parents are despicable beings.”

  “Now they’re somewhat rich despicable beings. Rich enough to not bother me for a while at least.”

  “Money well spent, if this is at all a reflection of their souls.”

  I considered the garbage and rotting raccoons. “I think it may be.”

  “I hope the rest of the house is not as deplorable. We might need to call upon the heavenly host to deal with it should it be much worse. Will any sane human of this era accept money to deal with this mess?”

  “Surprisingly, yes.”

  “Is money that scarce in this era?”

  I shrugged. “My parents certainly think so.”

  “I do not believe they are good examples of humans in any era.”

  “I’m not arguing with you, although I probably should. They are my parents, however bad they are at being parents.”

  “They are two humans who indulged in lust and produced a child. That doesn’t make them parents. I would say the evil horned one is a better parent, especially compared to them.”

  “The evil horned one?” the devil complained, manifesting in the hallway at the top of the stairwell. “That was a most excellent attempt at avoiding my attention, Eoghan. I must give you that.”

  Eoghan sighed. “You again?”

  “Me again. It’s one of my charms. How do you like the house?”

  “I want you to light it on fire after we make certain there’s nothing important left in it,” I grumbled.

  “Well, I am the devil, and I care nothing for mortal laws, and I can incinerate it to its foundations with a single snap of my fingers. Snappity snap! I could be talked into such a thing.”

  “I will say nice things about you to your wife,” I offered. “She might not kill you when I’m finished.”

  “That is a very convincing argument, I must admit.”

  Yep, the devil was whipped by a cat. “Has she relented about permitting you to count her spots?”

  “No,” Lucy whined.

  “Stop upsetting her, and maybe she’ll let you count her spots.”

  “But she gets so lively when she’s annoyed with me. If I am particularly evil, her tail poofs and she hisses at me.”

  “You only have yourself to blame,” I replied, gesturing for him to get out of the way so we could escape the basement. “This place is even worse than I thought it would be.”

  “Yes, it does seem to be rather odiferous, and there are corpses in your basement.”

  “If there are more corpses than the raccoons, frankly, I don’t want to know about them.” I considered the house, where my parents might leave anything of value, and headed for their bedroom upstairs. Like the basement stairs, the steps creaked. “Eoghan, stay down there with Lucy. I’m not sure they’ll hold your weight. No wonder they weren’t here. They were probably waiting for the place to come down around their ears. What did they do to the house? It wasn’t this bad a few years ago, I swear.”

  “The roof leaks. By leaks, I mean there are more holes in it than roof,” the devil replied. “A storm tore it up and they didn’t bother to fix it. You didn’t check the roof yesterday—or any of the other times you’ve come around here since you moved out.”

  Huh. He was right. I hadn’t bothered to look up. “Well, that sucks.”

  “Demolition will be much cheaper for you should you put in some honest effort to convince my wife she should let me count her spots.”

  “That’s all I am promising, and it’s not my problem if she refuses.”

  “Bargain made. Is this afternoon good for coffee?”

  “If she’s coming here and wants to sit
in the back yard, sure. You can play waiter and bring us coffee and treats. Pampering your wife may help encourage her to allow you to count her spots.”

  “People keep telling me that, but I’m the devil. I have a reputation to maintain. Do you know how much pride I lost when I had to get on my knees and beg?”

  I raised a brow at that, doubting the devil could be brought down to his knees by anyone. I climbed the stairs, and the devil teleported to join me in the hallway. “I don’t want to know. Why are you following me up here?”

  “When the floor collapses in the one room up here, I figured I would earn some gratitude from your man, who is pacing downstairs, well aware you are walking around in a death trap.”

  Okay. I could take a hint. I turned around and headed back down the stairs. “If there’s anything useful in any of those rooms up there, fetch. I’ll toss in a few extra nice comments to your wife, including how you spared me from falling through a floor today.”

  The devil laughed. “I am pleased to note you are developing a sense of self-preservation. Well done.”

  Eoghan raised a brow. “You believe him?”

  “I really don’t want to find out if he’s yanking my chain. I would—”

  Crack.

  “I’m okay!” the devil called out.

  “I see there is wisdom in your path of caution. I apologize for doubting your acceptance of his claim.”

  I giggled. “When a being who can look into the future at his will tells me the floor will collapse after informing me the roof has been trashed and the entire house is rotting, I’m going to believe him. I’m not stupid.”

  “You present a valid point. I will pay penance for my unfortunate mistake and general lapse of common sense.”

  “I will think of something good for later.” I tiptoed to the front door, careful to avoid the trouble spots we’d identified when we’d first entered the house. “I have to tell the devil’s wife really nice things about him as payment for dealing with this house. This is the easiest bargain I’ve made in my life. I will sing his praises once he torches this damned thing so it doesn’t bother me again.”

  “Closure is a most valuable gift.”

  Yes, it was. “And burning it to ash will save on the demolition fees.”

  The devil popped into existence beside us, and he held a moldy jewelry box in his hand, offering it to me. I recognized it as my grandmother’s from my father’s side. I frowned, as I thought the precious box had been lost years ago. I took it, opening the lid. The hinges snapped off from neglect, and I cringed at having broken it. Inside, my grandmother’s most prized possessions glittered in the sunlight, the silver tarnished, the gemstones dusty, but everything intact despite the box’s horrific condition. “I thought this was gone.”

  My grandmother, right up to her death, had bothered with me, building me the swing in the back and teaching me how to play. She’d also helped me with my schoolwork, laying the foundation for my ability to budget and survive in a world that cared little for me.

  Over the years, I’d forgotten about her; she’d died shortly after I’d turned nine, and her ghost had visited me so I’d know the truth my parents had refused to tell me.

  She’d been one of the last ghosts I’d seen before the incident in the hospital.

  Her jewelry had disappeared sometime after her death.

  “When the departed have a strong enough will, anything can happen. It’s rare for ghosts to manifest in such a way. She hid the jewelry box in the wall of your bedroom, hoping you would one day inherit the house that is rightfully yours. She lingered until your father inherited her box, and then she spirited it away. As I intend to leave not even ash behind, I would have ruined her plans. Nothing else here has a weight or presence associated with it.”

  Later, I’d cry for the old, sweet woman.

  The devil patted my shoulder. “Her seed of life has since been replanted. She found heaven to be dreadfully boring and bullied her way back to the mortal coil.”

  I smiled at that. “You’re going to have a terrible reputation if you keep this up.”

  “I maintain my most horrific reputation among those who deserve it. I’ve no interest in having your soul.”

  “Hey! What’s wrong with my soul?” I waved the broken lid of my grandmother’s jewelry box in his face. “If you don’t give me an excellent answer, I’m shoving this up your ass and telling your wife to add ten years to her ban on you counting her spots.”

  “She is a vicious being,” the devil complained to Eoghan.

  “You act as though this is a problem, and I find nothing problematic about this at all.”

  I sat on the grass, which was in dire need of being cut, and checked on every piece of jewelry in the box, which included a lot of rings with large stones, which I assumed were beloved but otherwise worthless glass baubles, the kind of stuff I’d wanted as a child but my mother had never gotten for me.

  I’d clean them up and treasure them.

  “They’re not glass,” the devil announced.

  I frowned, staring at the many rings, necklaces, and bracelets crammed inside. “What are they then?”

  “Most call them diamonds, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, peridots, opals, moonstones, a few variants of quartz because she thought the colors were pretty, and so on. They’re real stones. Like you are inheriting them, your grandmother inherited them, and her grandmother before her inherited them. These tend to skip a generation as they go down the line, often hidden away for a granddaughter to find. It’s a family tradition. I am a terrible being, peeking into the past at my whim.”

  “Am I supposed to reward you for this information?”

  “I would really like to count my wife’s spots tonight.”

  I laughed. “How did you get into the doghouse, anyway?”

  “I wouldn’t let her steal your dog and take him to my many hells for a while.”

  Eoghan scowled.

  I eyed Eoghan. “Why are you scowling when we’re talking about my dog? You haven’t met my dog yet, have you?”

  Lucy smirked.

  Eoghan lashed out and punched the devil in the nose. “If I could, I would kill you right now.”

  My mouth dropped open. “You punched him!”

  “He deserved it.”

  “I really did,” Satan agreed. The Lord of Lies and possessor of too many titles for me to remember rubbed his face. His nose bled blue fire. “Maybe you should do that again. My wife might actually take pity on me for a change.”

  Without waiting for any other invitation, Eoghan popped Lucy in the right eye. “I will never reject such a kind offer. Thank you. Would you like your left eye to match your right one? You’ll need to halt your regenerative powers should you wish to garner any sympathy from your wife.”

  “No, that’s quite all right. Thank you. I think that’s enough.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Quite sure, thank you.”

  “Why did you find that offensive, Eoghan?”

  “He likes his secrets and enjoyed when you scratched behind his ears.”

  My eyes widened. “You’re my dog?”

  Eoghan sighed. “I truly hate you, Lucifer.”

  “He is. I told you, Anwen. All facets of death have converged on Sunset, and who better to judge the state of death than Death himself? He would be the best person to know about Death; he is death in the flesh—one of three parts who can exist in the flesh. Azrael is the second. I’m sure he’d just love to—”

  Eoghan slammed his fist into the devil’s gut, a perfect hit to the kidney if the devil had human organs.

  Apparently, the devil did, as he choked out a gasp and doubled over. Then, as the antique wasn’t finished bringing the devil down low, Eoghan rammed his knee into Lucy’s groin. “Maybe your wife will thank me for that one.”

  Ouch. “I think he’s paid for his sins for a while there, Eoghan.”

  “What she said,” the devil gasped out.

  Without any hesita
tion, Eoghan clobbered the back of the devil’s head with his elbow. “But are you truly certain about that, Anwen?”

  I thought about it. “You know, if you beat him sufficiently, I’d be forced to feel pity and sympathy for him, which I would have to share with his wife. I should go to the grocery store and get something for a picnic. There should be a nice place in the back yard we can use. Just don’t beat him so much he can’t be useful and keep his word to remove the house and save on the demolition fees.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  I took my grandmother’s jewelry box and headed for the truck, leaving the devil to his fate.

  I bought too much food, acquired a weed eater and enough gasoline to run it, a blanket to make picnicking cozy, and everything else we’d need to have a nice afternoon in the back yard. A pair of mountain bikes later, because I’d always wanted a bike and someone to ride with me, and I headed back to my new house to discover Eoghan beating on the devil still with an audience of a hybrid snow leopard wearing a form-fitting blouse and a pair of jeans. She bounced on her toes and clapped, her tail poofed as the devil liked.

  “I haven’t had this much fun since the last time Kanika seriously tried to kill you,” she said with laughter in her voice. “What did you do now, you big idiot? Death is trying to kill you, and he might even get away with it if you keep pushing his buttons.”

  “My name is Eoghan,” Eoghan replied.

  “But you’re Death.”

  “So? I am also Eoghan. Azrael is Death as well, but he is also Azrael. I’m sure the third facet also has a name, which isn’t Death.” Eoghan kicked the devil in the back of his heel, earning a yelp. “Must you be so difficult, Lucy?”

  “Yes. He can’t help it,” the snow leopard replied, and she snickered and pointed at her husband. “You’re getting your ass kicked by Death.”

  “And you like it, you cruel wife,” Lucy complained.

  “Of course I like it. Every time I try, you just laugh at me and say it tickles. You enjoy it. You aren’t enjoying this beating.”