The Antithesis- The Complete Pentalogy

by Terra Whiteman

  “I want to see everything you have on me.”

  Now Yahweh bristled. “No, you can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because…” he trailed off, fumbling for words

  And then I remembered something. “What do you know about Leid’s illness?”

  Yahweh looked profoundly overwhelmed. “W-What?”

  “When I asked you about Vel’Haru having black eyes, you said you’d never heard of that happening. That same night, Calenus Karim showed up at Yema Theater and demanded that I hand Leid over because she’s sick. Tell me that’s a coincidence.”

  At this point Yahweh had stopped speaking altogether. He didn’t even try to feign surprise. All he did was look at me in tired defeat. Then, he lowered his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  Yahweh left, heading for his craft.

  I watched his departure, feeling my heart in my throat.

  As the craft left the dock and drifted through the darkness, I stood and grabbed my radio.

  “Ara, come in.”

  “Yes, Qaira?”

  “Sanctum is closing its borders. Notify Air Patrol that we are no longer allowing any angels entry into our city.”

  It was as I suspected all along.

  The whites couldn’t be trusted.

  XI

  AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SPIRAL

  “YOU SHOULD STOP AND THINK ABOUT THIS,” said Leid, stirring her coffee.

  I didn’t respond, only fumbled with my tie. This morning marked my first day back to work. Sanctum needed its Regent, no matter if his sister died several days ago.

  Although I’d made it very clear that my decision to close Sanctum’s border wasn’t up for discussion, Leid pressed anyway. “People are afraid. They’re already talking about another war.”

  I sipped my coffee, watching the news. Tae’s death still made headlines every hour or so, but it was finally fading. We refused to talk to the press about it and Ara warned Sanctum PB that I was not to be approached.

  Tae’s pyre was scheduled for tonight. It would only be the five of us—Ara, Ila, Leid, Roen and myself. Small and simple. And private. We’d burn her body after temple hours.

  I tried not to think about it. I was still trying to cope with the fact that she was gone.

  She was gone because of me; because of the things I’d done.

  She was gone because I wasn’t able to protect her when it really counted.

  Sanctum’s Savior.

  Leid glanced at me after I’d laughed under my breath. I cleared my throat and grabbed my briefcase. “I have to go. What time will you be home tonight?”

  She hesitated, concerned. “Are you sure you’re alright? You don’t have to go back today.”

  “Yes, I do. Things need to be tended to, meetings need to be held.”

  “And what of the angels?”

  I narrowed my eyes. “What of them, Leid?”

  “What are you going to do now that you’ve closed our borders?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Do you have any idea what kind of message you’re sending?”

  I had a perfect idea. “I’ll see you tonight.”

  I left our estate without another word, Leid’s eyes burning on me all the way to the door.

  ***

  Work was as I’d expected: draining.

  There were a hundred condolence cards waiting in my mailbox. I took the stack and threw them in the trash as soon as I got in.

  I spent lunch hyperventilating in my private bathroom, coaxing my reflection to get it together. I’d forgotten all about the picture of Tae and I taken on my birthday, resting on the table beside that ugly plant. One glance and my day was ruined.

  Worst of all was the looks I’d received. The pity in everyone’s eyes was so insufferable that I barely left my office.

  My afternoon consisted of seven meetings, during all of which I’d thought about that night in the abandoned storehouse while officials blabbered on and on about budgets and the closed border and what might happen if we pulled our investments out of the Plexus.

  Leid was right. I wasn’t ready to be here. I didn’t know if I could ever be here again.

  Yet this was my life, and I couldn’t escape it no matter how much I wanted to.

  Leid called me on her lunch break and we spoke for a while about my day. I told her I was doing fine, and she knew that I was lying.

  We all had dinner together before heading to Moritoria for Tae’s pyre. It was the most awkward thing I’d ever sat through. I barely ate anything, as did Roen, and the majority of our time was spent in solemn silence. Ila and Leid kept trying to strike conversation, but it never held. All we did was look at each other, dreading the night to follow. Once my sister was burned, she was officially gone.

  After the ceremony, we hung around and watched the smoke disappear into the night sky. A priest conserved Tae’s ashes, but I told him to scatter them over the Areva.

  Roen was the first to leave, teary-eyed and withdrawn. I watched his silhouette wander away through the field. He had lost his wife and unborn child—his entire family—in one night, and I was disgusted with myself for feeling a trace of satisfaction at his suffering. I didn’t feel as alone, as fucked up as that sounded.

  The rest of us departed with promises of getting together again soon. Leid and I returned to Eroqam without any conversation. When we got to our estate, she made a beeline for our liquor cabinet, and I headed to our bedroom.

  She was having a rough time, I knew. Leid had loved my sister as much as me. Even though I pretended to be fine, she knew I wasn’t and had to be the strong one.

  My wife had to be the strong one. I felt so pathetic.

  I turned off the lamp and slid under the covers, curling on my side, feeling the heavy thunder in my chest. I’d gotten hardly any sleep since Tae’s death. I wasn’t tired, even now. Any attempt at slumber was interrupted by terrifying nightmares, and now I was too afraid to even try.

  I laid there in the dark until light cracked against the wall. It faded, and a moment later Leid was beside me. The warmth of her body relaxed me slightly, and she nuzzled her way between my arms. She cupped my face and we stared at each other, nose-to-nose, saying nothing yet everything at the same time.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m sorry that this is so hard for you. I wish I could fix it, but the only remedy is time.”

  Time.

  That wasn’t good enough. I wouldn’t let Tae become some distant memory like my mother. The thought of one day forgetting her face made my chest heavy. Leid realized she’d said the wrong thing, but it was too late. I pulled away and sat up, rubbing my throbbing head.

  “Qaira, please, you have to sleep.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You aren’t doing your sanity any good by staying up for days on end!”

  “Don’t you think I know that?!” I shouted. “You really think I don’t want to sleep? Do you really think I want to feel like this?!”

  She looked away, scathed.

  “I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I didn’t mean to yell.”

  Before Leid could respond, I was out of bed and grabbing a jacket.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Out.”

  “Out where? It’s past midnight.”

  “To clear my head. I need some time to think.”

  “Qaira—”

  “Since when do I need your permission?”

  I slammed the door.

  She didn’t follow me.

  ***

  Leid was right, as always; I needed sleep.

  So here I was, parked at a vacant lot behind a grain storage facility, cradling a loaded syringe. Its contents shined effervescent violet in the streetlamps, and the longer I stared, the further my heart sank.

  But I could still remember malay’s numbness, and I yearned for that feeling more than ever. What I needed now was impalpability. I wanted to feel nothing; think nothing.

  Acquiring the syringe w
asn’t difficult. Ara had several informants across Sanctum who were dealers, one of whom used to be mine. He’d handed over the syringe with a confused look, asking why I’d ever want to take it again.

  “You’re the only person I know who’s made it out clean. Dozens of people give up and die trying to get off the ‘lay, but you want another go?”

  I’d shoved money into his hand, leaving that question hanging.

  I removed my jacket and rolled up my sleeve. My arm was smooth and perfect, free of tracks, and just the thought of that needle marring my skin made my stomach clench.

  Don’t think. Just do it.

  I closed my eyes and pushed the needle into my vein, the sting familiar, yet foreign. My thumb pressed down on the syringe cap, ejecting half of the canister into my bloodstream. I wouldn’t take the whole dose, as I’d been clean for ten years and something that heavy might kill me.

  I sat there and waited, and waited, and waited—but the high never came. Had the dealer sold me crap?

  After waiting another several minutes, I unloaded the rest of the syringe in an act of desperation. But halfway through the second dose, the first dose kicked in. It was latent. Malay had evolved since I’d taken it last, and before I realized what was happening, the syringe was empty.

  “No,” I whispered, tachycardia already setting in. My mind exploded with rapid-fire thoughts, none of them the least bit cohesive. There were starbursts behind my eyes, and I couldn’t unclench my legs.

  I reached for the door but my hands wouldn’t work. This time there was no euphoria, only terror. I had overdosed and they were going to find me in the morning, dead in my craft with an empty syringe cartridge. What would everyone think? What would Leid think?

  “No,” I said again, trying to uncurl my trembling fists. But the light from my eyes was fading. A tunnel formed in front of me, a mass of swirling darkness getting tighter and tighter by the second. My chest cramped and my eyes rolled into my head, and the last thing I felt was my head hitting the passenger seat.

  ***

  I was vomiting.

  My eyes shot open as bile and acid were expunged from my throat, leaving a sharp tingle down my spine and a hot, bitter burn in my mouth.

  My head was halfway out of the craft, the door wide open, and I’d woken up in the middle of the act. There was already a substantial puddle of puke below.

  The pain was so intense that I clamped my lips shut, trying to stave back another wave. My eyes watered and my sinuses felt like they were on fire. I recoiled into the chair and held my face. My stomach heaved. More vomit erupted up my throat but I swallowed it down.

  None of this had gone as I’d planned.

  I looked at the sky, the darkness receding to cloudy indigo, a tell-tale sign that dawn was fast approaching. I’d lost a lot of time, and no doubt Leid was looking for me. Maybe she’d even called my brother by now and they both were looking for me.

  I had to get out of here.

  My shaking, sweating hand reached for the ignition key, but then I noticed a shadow in my peripherals. My head shot right, and I froze.

  Calenus Karim was sitting in the passenger seat, staring out the windshield.

  I said nothing. I didn’t move.

  His eyes slid to me, and he smiled. “You’re welcome.”

  “What the fuck?”

  “If not for me you would have been covered in your own spew.” His gaze drew downward, and he nodded. “You might want to do something about that.”

  I followed his stare. The needle was still in my arm. I ripped it out, tossing the syringe out the window.

  “I have to say, stalking you has never posed a dull moment.”

  “What are you doing here?”

  “The same could be asked of you.”

  “What I do is none of your business. Get out of my craft.”

  “Such hostility; even after I saved your life.”

  “You didn’t save my life. You set me free but left my sister to die.”

  Calenus looked away, a frown pulling at his lips. “She was already dead.”

  I didn’t respond, holding my head. The nausea had given way to a migraine.

  “You know what I’m doing here, Regent, and you know how to make me go away.”

  I shook my head.

  “You might think your life can’t get any worse, but it will, and so will everyone else’s. Leid has to come back.”

  “You can stalk me forever, but I’m not driving her away. Actually, you’re kind of convenient to have around.”

  “My convenience is only temporary. This is the last time that I’m placing the offer on the table.”

  Our eyes met again, and the halcyon of his look was gone. There was desperation and menace behind his gaze, no matter how hard he feigned calm.

  “No,” I said. “Take your offer and get the fuck out of here.”

  Leid was the only thing that I had left. I wouldn’t let her be taken from me, too.

  Calenus sighed and lowered his head, threads of long, black hair hiding his face. “Very well. You’ve made your bed, Regent.” He opened the door and stepped out of the craft, leaning in through the window. His eyes were glowing. “But make no mistake, we will meet again, and when that happens I will be the last thing you’ll ever see.”

  His threat left me cold, and I threw open the dash to grab my gun. As Calenus walked out of the lot and down the street, I took chase, aiming at his shadow.

  “Stop!” I shouted.

  He didn’t look back.

  A second later, he vanished.

  I stood there, staring at the place he’d been. A part of me was convinced that this had all been a malay-induced hallucination, but I knew better.

  There was movement in the corner of my eye, and I spun, aiming my weapon at the threat. But it was only my reflection in the glass panes of a high-rise.

  I didn’t even recognize myself. My eyes were blood-shot and crazy, framed by dark circles from stress and sleep deprivation, and my skin shined with a sickly coat of sweat.

  You have to get out of here, said Logic. Before someone sees you pointing a gun at your own reflection.

  I shoved the gun in my belt, turning to leave, but then something caught my eye in the pane. Someone was behind me.

  … Tae.

  She looked how she had in her final moments. Broken, suffering. Her eyes screamed for help, and the bloody chain around her neck swayed and jingled with her approach.

  I closed my eyes, trying to wish away the image. But she was still there. Closer.

  Tae wrapped her arms around my shoulders, her bloody stump oozing red across my shirt. Her mangled, torn wings fluttered, spraying blood against the pane. She lifted her chin and her blue, post-partum lips grazed my ear.

  I felt it.

  I actually felt the whisper, warm and soft against the cold, morning air. Tae told me that she loved me, and that she forgave me…

  And then she told me how to free us of our torment.

  XII

  WITHIN REASON

  TWO MINUTES FROM LUNCH, MY AEON CHIMED.

  It was annoying because I was really, really hungry and been rushing to sign a few budget approvals so I could take an early lunch.

  I answered the call. My secretary informed me that my brother was waiting outside. Ara never scheduled appointments. He didn’t have to; we were family.

  Ignoring my rumbling stomach, I told her to send him in. Hopefully what he had to say wouldn’t take too long.

  My brother stepped inside, closing the door behind him. He looked troubled, nervous.

  “Have you eaten?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I ate a late breakfast.” He paused, battling a thought. “Qaira, I don’t agree with this.”

  “Don’t agree with what?”

  “Closing the borders.”

  It had pained me to hear him say that, but I understood why. Sanctum’s economy depended on our partnership with Heaven. Yet the pain came from the idea that he was placing our econo
my over our honor—a clear demonstration that we were becoming like the angels. Ten years ago Ara would have followed me into Maghir’s Ocean, and now he was protesting vengeance for our murdered sister.

  “I see.”

  “I don’t believe that Commander Raith had a hand in Tae’s death.”

  “Then why did Micah Triev say he did?”

  “Maybe another war is what he wants. Maybe he’s hoping you’ll believe Raith is guilty. You could be playing into his hand.”

  “He meant to kill me, Ara. If I hadn’t gotten free, his men would have killed me after Tae. So why would he tell me about Lucifer’s involvement?”

  Ara sighed, sinking to the couch. “I don’t know. Even if Lucifer is involved, we can’t go to war with them. Not again. We don’t have the means.”

  My eyes lowered to the stack of budget approvals. “I know.”

  My brother looked surprised. “You do?”

  “I closed Sanctum’s border to bide some time. It was a political mess, and I wasn’t in the right mindset to make any decisions or statements last week. Our quarantine was strictly defensive. I couldn’t risk another act of terrorism. From either side. Lucifer and I are meeting over telecom this afternoon to smooth out the wrinkles.”

  Ara reclined in his seat, relieved. “You’ve changed so much, you know.”

  “… Have I?”

  “And you could have said something sooner. That would have saved me thirty minutes practicing my opinion in front of the mirror.”

  I laughed, and so did he.

  On his way out, I said, “Have your wife call me tonight. I want to speak to her about booking a spot at Yema.”

  He lingered in the doorway, blinking. “For what?”

  “It’s a surprise. I’ll tell you once I’ve made further arrangements.”

  “You know how much I love surprises,” Ara muttered, shutting the door.

  ***

  The telecom flashed, and with it my heart thumped in my chest.

  Lucifer appeared, materializing on screen with a cautious look in his eyes. A scarlet mantle was draped over his right arm—no doubt to cover his hand—and his ice-blonde hair was twisted in a braid that fell across his shoulder, disappearing off-screen. The room beyond was vacant, as was mine. We’d decided to converse in private. I’d sent out all my CAs after they had activated Crylle’s feed.