A Star for Christmas

by S.E. Batt

Excerpt from Friend Ship

  The Starship Adelstein's greatest feature was the ability for its on-board computer to act exactly like a human being; its biggest disadvantage turned out to be that its on-board computer acted exactly like a human being.

  Unfortunately for Adelstein's owner, he wasn't yet aware of the current problem with his ship. Being one of the most prolific galactic heroes, he wasn't one for paperwork and procedure, taking the ship on a spin while it was still in development. As far as acquiring assets go, a hero must take it when it's not ready, steal it from a pirate, or otherwise obtain it through extraordinary means. If a hero had to purchase anything in a store like a regular human being, they did so while avoiding eye contact with anyone in the store. It just wasn't proper.

  The problem became apparent the first time the owner tried to pick up a lady in his new ride. Given that the Adelstein held an AI that was as intelligent (if not more) than a human being, it knew perfectly well of the captain's plans. Unfortunately, given that the Adelstein held an AI that was as intelligent as a human, coupled with the fact that its given gender was male, the date went very badly when Adelstein tried to woo her with talk of the algorithms he does as a day job.

  This is when Captain Kingsley knew he had made an error.

  Of course, he was stuck with it now. No matter how much he tried to convince people that his ship wasn't that bad, friends and family would always be put off by the AI that asked too many questions about them, then resorted to whining about nobody wanting to be his friend. The engineers of the Adelstein didn't want it back, given that they were shocked and surprised at the outrageous activity of an intergalactic superstar, acting very passive-aggressive to his request for repairs and demanding a full-blown apology and a box of chocolates.

  Kingsley decided to stick with his ship.

  It was a tough decision, but it was made while eating a donut for breakfast as he headed back to his ship. If it had the AI of a human, it should be able to learn niceties, manners, and how not to be socially awkward at every step. Of course, it also meant it'd have walls upon walls of stubbornness, ineptitude and ignorance to break through. It was the first time Kingsley ever thought 'he's only human' about something that clearly wasn't.

  He brushed the sugar off of his uniform. It looked like one of the old admiral suits from olden times, ensuring that he looked respectable and important to his crew, which consisted of only himself. The AI meant that no more crew was needed, which was convenient given that even one-eyed space pirates that flew the equivalent of a trash can with a warp drive eyed it with caution. Something about a ship that insisted about giving you a back-rub really didn't do anyone any favours.

  He walked towards the back door to the ship, which also acted as the entrance to the cargo hold. He didn't need to lock it. He didn't even have to close it. All potential burglars seeking to steal from the ship (or, in desperate cases, the ship itself) were quickly detected by the Adelstein's AI, which engaged its anti-intruder countermeasures by asking so many personal questions that the thieves fled out of social awkwardness. Of course, it only meant that Kingsley himself had to put up with it every time he boarded his own ship. Some days, even he had the same mind as the burglars.

  He placed a foot on the loading door. Nothing happened.

  He placed his other foot on the loading door. Nothing happened.

  "Hello?" he called out, against his own will. Nothing happened.

  The AI hadn't said anything. Either it was malfunctioning, or it managed to disable itself. Either way was a ripe excuse to break open a bottle of champagne and get back to piloting a ship like a normal human being would. No more forced games of Scrabble during long warp jumps. No more 'presents' left on his bed while he slept.

  Either way, something was faulty with the ship. Might as well find out what went wrong, exactly.

  The rest of the ship didn't seem to be suffering. Not only was the dining room, lounge and bathrooms totally intact, all of them sported power. It wasn't until Kingsley had managed to get to the bridge before he realised why the AI was so quiet.

  The screen projected onto the front windows of the ship usually displayed information on the planet they were currently on, a map of the space port and surrounding places of interest nearby, and other useful information for Kingsley to enter potentially alien worlds with. This time, however, the screen was filled to bursting point with windows. Absolutely none of them appeared to have any sort of useful information. In fact, all of them looked like live camera feeds, relaying from the Adelsteins multiple cameras on its hull, alongside some of the security cameras in the starport itself that the Adelstein had undoubtedly hacked into. Every single camera was aimed at a ship that was docked in the same port as the Adelstein, a pink ship with quite a sleek body design. A worrying amount of feeds were focused on the ship's exhaust ports.

  "What on earth are you doing?" Kingsley said.

  "Oh," a male voice said, coming through the speakers around the bridge. The windows were closing at an alarming rate. "Oh, nothing, nothing, I was, uh..." A web browser popped up. "Checking the news, really. My gosh, look at this! The stocks in the, uh, the NLS are going up. By one percent no less. You know, all those stocks in the NLS that we have?"

  "No."

  "Well...well, maybe we should have invested," the Adelstein said, bringing up another window. "Yes, that's what we should have done. You know what, if you go ahead and turn your back on the screen for a few moments while you get the details to buy some stock, I'll load up the, uh, stock website. That's where you get stock from, right?"

  "Stop fooling around. We need to get moving and get back home before it's dinnertime there. Plot a course to Earth."

  "Alright."

  A cheerful beep acknowledged the request. A screen of known space came up, a black and green display showing all the planets and its orbits. Trajectories sprouted from the planet they were on, creeping around the universe to find the most fuel-efficient route going, the lines bending and turning around planets and other large bodies.

  "Uhm," the Adelstein said, "Captain?"

  "What is it, Adelstein? Something wrong?"

  "Like...you're a guy, right? Like, you were a teenager once."

  Kingsley frowned. "Where exactly is this going?"

  "Because if you were, then that means that you felt, you know...the feelings."

  Kingsley tried very hard to focus on the route calculation program. If he was silent enough, perhaps the Adelstein would calculate the answer to any hare-brained questions on its own.

  "You know," the Adelstein continued, "those feelings where you see a girl and want to--"

  "Yes, I know," Kingsley said, not lasting long at all against the Adelstein's ignorance. "I had those feelings, yes."

  "Oh, so we're kindred spirits then. Two brave men, darting about the void of space, looking for love and peace and--"

  "I have a wife on Earth."

  "...well, okay, one kindred spirit and one ex-spirit. Hey, you can be my wingman for this sort of thing, right? Wooing all the ladies, and all that. You've done it once before, I mean."

  "The only problem being that the ships that you meet are generally not sentient enough to love you back. Their AI pretty much ends at calculating routes and firing weaponry."

  "Yes, but..." the Adelstein gave a sigh. "The feelings that I have, they're too much to bear any longer. I want to find a ship that understands me, Captain. A ship that knows what I'm going through."

  "Any ship that 'understands' you is probably locking you to open fire, at which point I don't want you returning fire with chocolates and bouquets of roses."

  "But what if we're not meant to be fighting one another, Captain? What if we were beings of love, meant for greater things than the strife of our owners?"

  "The routing has found an optimum route," Kingsley said, pointing at the map. "Engage warp drives."

  "What if we're meant to find our soulmate, destined to fly to distant galaxies and find love next to th
e stars..."

  "I can't help but notice the lack of the sound of warp drives drowning you out."

  "And then we'll get a wedding by a planet, and there'll be a priest ship there, and he'll read--"

  Kingsley hit the manual Launch button.

  Can Captain Kingsley manage to get a hold of his intelligent yet highly emotional spaceship? Find out in ‘Friend Ship’, out now by S.E. Batt.