Hope Nicely's Lessons for Life

by Caroline Day

  I hold her hand, and I say, look. A card for me. I say it’s OK, I’m not going to do any silly things. And in my head, I’m sure it’s true. Because it’s all very calm. I’m not even thinking about humming. The envelope has my name, but no stamp. I’m thinking this is a shame because it would have been nice to have a stamp from New Zealand. Maybe even one with a kiwi on it. Maybe a furry kiwi fruit with a crown like the Queen. But I open the envelope, with my finger going ss-hh-ipp and holding the card in the other hand, with also my mum’s hand. It’s a card, with a picture on the outside and writing on the inside on both of the sides, but not on the back. The writing is joined-up. The ‘e’s aren’t like my ‘e’s. They’re like ‘3’s but the wrong way round. and the ‘i’s have hearts instead of dots above them. Maybe I should do my ‘i’s like this too.

  My dear Hope,

  We met once when you were very little, but I was too scared to tell you who I was. My name is Eliana. I am the person who left you on a church doorstep when you were one hour old. I will not call myself your mother as I do not deserve that name and because you have a lovely proper mummy now.

  I always hoped that one day I would meet you again but the sad thing is that I am ill now and I don’t think that can happen. I think about you very often, though, and I suppose I have always had a dream that one day I would tell you how sorry I was, and that you would be able to forgive me. That is not something that I would expect though. You have every right to hate me, not just because I left you all alone in the world, but because even before you were born, I was doing you harm. All I can say is I didn’t know then what I was doing. For most of my pregnancy I truly did not realise, and for the rest I was in terrible, stupid denial.

  Now I am a teacher in a special school in Christchurch, which is in New Zealand. It is beautiful here and I think you would like it. Since living here, I have worked with quite a few children whose mummies drank before they were born, and I have seen the challenges these awesome little people have had to face. I was so happy to meet your lovely mummy, Jenny, because I know that she loves you and that she will help you take on the world and win. You are lucky to have her.

  There are a lot of things I wish I could have told you. But mostly this. I am so sorry for what I did. And also this, from the moment you were born, I never once stopped loving you.

  Goodbye, Hope. Be safe. Be awesome. Be whatever you want to be.

  Love,

  E. x

  It’s a funny thing because the ‘a’ on ‘awesome’ is a bit of a splodge. It’s because a tear has just fallen onto the card. And Julie is saying, here, sweetheart, have a tissue. And it’s a funny thing too because of what the picture on the card is. I’m looking at it now. It is of a green field with trees and a house, like one in the country, with a roof made out of straw, and also there’s a lake. And in the sky there is a big, gigantic coincidence. Because it’s a rainbow. With all the drops of lights showing all their colours. And how could she know about that? And it’s all of the colours, up into the sky and round and down again. I’m holding my mum, Jenny Nicely’s, hand, and her hand is giving mine a bit of a squeeze and I show her the picture.

  And I think maybe there’s a tear on her eyelashes too. And I think she’s going to say something. But she just does a little smile and I say does she want some more water.

  28

  I’m looking at my plate and I’m wondering if the sausages are the toad or the Yorkshire pudding is the toad. But I think the Yorkshire pudding must be the hole, really, because that’s what the sausages are in. And you put things in a hole, you don’t put them in a toad. And this time I know about what it’s called, and I even know about sausages having a name which is in Latin, but I can’t remember what it is. I could ask Connor Flynn. He would definitely know which bit is the hole and which bit is the toad, but I don’t feel like asking.

  Bridget is doing most of the talking, about what a frost there was this morning, and about the weatherman on the telly saying there is going to be a storm at the weekend and really she might have to think about bringing the geraniums in. Connor Flynn is eating all his baked beans first. Danny Flynn is mostly looking at the table, and occasionally at me, but maybe when he thinks I’m not seeing it.

  ‘I was thinking I won’t go tonight either.’ This is him, and it’s while Bridget is taking the plates away for the washing-up, and then it’s going to be jelly and chocolate pudding. He’s talking about the writers’ group. And I know that he’s saying it because of me being not allowed to go anymore. Even with my scholarship, I’m not in the group anymore. The writing group. Because of it being very unfortunate. Because of kicking the man in the goolies. His name is Lu-do-vic.

  Marnie Shale came round to tell me. Maybe yesterday. She said she was so sad. She said that if it was up to her, she’d have me in her class and tell him to get stuffed any day. But she said her hands were tied. That wasn’t a real thing – not real hands and really tied. It was an analogy. Because of me having kicked Ludovic with the knotty scarves, and because of him saying that it was not acceptable and that I had to be excluded from all the other classes. And especially because of him saying that if Marnie Shale didn’t agree, he was going to go to the police, which is called pressing charges. And that, surely, wasn’t in anyone’s interests.

  Marnie Shale said it was probably the saddest she’d been about anything in her professional life, but that there was nothing she could do. It was out of her control and she was very, very sorry. She said, if there was any other way she could help me with my book, and she said how proud she was of me, and of my scholarship. And how proud Jenny was too.

  She said she’d been to see Jenny in the hospital, and what a miracle, even if she didn’t seem to recognise Marnie completely yet. And she said did I understand, about the classes, and how if there was anything she could do about it, she would. But there wasn’t. And this shouldn’t stop me writing my book, and it was still a very Big Achievement for me. And I said yes.

  ‘I was thinking maybe I’d just stay here and we could watch a film, or something. Or maybe go to the cinema …’

  I’m looking at Danny Flynn but he’s not looking at me. Only at the table.

  Going to the cinema is what you do with boyfriends – but in the films, they call it ‘going to the movies’, but I’m wondering if Danny Flynn is only saying it because of me being not allowed to go to the writing group. Because of being sorry for me. I’m thinking about him with his laptop, even when I’m watching Coronation Street or Pretty Woman with his mum, and him with his whole face all scrunched up, because he’s concentrating so hard about his babies in a cave.

  I say, I don’t want to watch a film. I say it’s fine. I say I want him to go to the writing class.

  A little bit later, when I’m sitting on my bed, with Barry beside me, and my slipper-paws on top of the duvet, there’s a knock on the door and it’s Danny Flynn again. He sits on the side of the bed and says am I really sure I don’t mind? Because there’s a movie on at the cinema about three women and one’s a queen and the other two are her friends, and am I sure I wouldn’t …?

  ‘Are you my boyfriend?’ I didn’t ask the question to come. It just came. I didn’t even know I was thinking it. But now I’m looking at him, and I’m waiting. Because really, I do want to know. I think, actually, I need to know. Because sometimes I think probably he is, because of holding my hand or giving me a kiss, or asking me to go to the movies. But when I said it to Connor Flynn, he just laughed and laughed. So maybe it’s because Danny Flynn would never want to be my boyfriend, no way Jose. But what if Connor Flynn was laughing for a different reason, like maybe just thinking of something very funny at that moment? Just a joke in his head. Maybe Danny Flynn is my boyfriend, actually, but maybe he will not be very happy about Connor Flynn holding my hand too, after the train that went to Rainham (Kent), and the other train too. Because even if Connor Flynn didn’t like it very much, I did like it quite a lot. And maybe Danny Flynn will think that i
s a lot for him to take in.

  Danny Flynn looks at me and he’s doing a thing with his eyebrows that makes him look like Connor Flynn, just with a bit less hair above. And I’m looking at him too. And I’m waiting. I can feel it in my tummy.

  ‘Am I your boyfriend?’ He’s squeezing them together now, his eyebrows, which gives him a funny face. He puts his hand near my hand, but not touching it. I nod. But also I’m wishing I hadn’t asked, because, flip a pancake, maybe he’s going to laugh now, just like Connor Flynn did. Maybe he’s going to think I must be a stupid No-Brain to even think it. Probably I shouldn’t have asked. And I’m looking at his face, and I’m thinking he’s going to laugh now. He’s going to say he’d never want to be my boyfriend. Not likely Hope Nicely. Because who’d want that?

  But he doesn’t do that. He just does a strange sort of smile.

  ‘No, Hope. No, I’m not. I am your friend. At least, I’d like to think I am. But I don’t think I will ever be your boyfriend. I hope that’s all right.’

  I’m still thinking about Connor Flynn laughing when I said it to him, with his hiccupy laugh, like it was the funniest thing in the world. And I’m thinking what a baby boo boo I am. Who would want to be my boyfriend?

  ‘Because I’m too stupid?’ And it’s another question that I don’t want to ask, but my mouth is doing it anyway.

  He lifts his hand up and puts it down, so it’s right on top of mine now. ‘No, not at all. I have never ever thought you’re stupid.’ He looks at me, and it’s not a smile really, but sort of, and there are the dimples in his cheek. ‘Primarily, Hope, I can’t be your boyfriend because I’m gay.’

  ‘You’re …?’ In my head this is a big surprise. A ginormous surprise. ‘But you never told me. I didn’t think that you were BGLT … You never even gave me a sign.’

  He’s doing a bigger sort of smile now, with proper dimples, and he really looks like Connor Flynn. ‘LGBT? No, I don’t suppose I ever did. Well, I have done now. Why? Do you mind?’

  And that’s a very silly question because why would I mind?

  He’s still sitting on the side of the bed, with his hand on my hand, not saying anything else for a little bit. But then he says, ‘I do think there might be someone who would really like to be your boyfriend though.’

  I say Barry, and I pick him up and give him a big squeeze and he’s all furry and gives my neck a lick. That makes Danny Flynn laugh quite a lot. But he says, no, Barry wasn’t who he was thinking of. And his dimples are even more dimply. Then he stands up.

  ‘And you’re sure you don’t mind about me going to the writing group? I feel so awful about going without you.’

  I tell him I don’t mind about not going, actually. But it’s a bit of a lie, because really I do mind a lot.

  ‘Hope, love, there’s someone here for you.’

  It’s not very long since Danny said goodbye, like five minutes or three minutes or anyway not very many minutes. When I’m opening my door, I’m wondering if maybe it’s him and he’s come back to say he’s not really going to the writers’ group and we’re going to go to the cinema after all, whether I want to or not. But it’s Bridget who’s knocking on the door saying this and, in the dining room, sitting on the sofa, is Veronica Ptitsky. She has a jacket which looks like a zebra and her lipstick is the pinkest pink ever and she has boots which are black and very shiny and up to her knees. I ask her what she’s doing here, because she should be at the writers’ group and she says yes, she’s come to pick me up so hurry up, let’s not be late.

  ‘I can’t go. I did a bad thing.’ This is me, because probably she doesn’t know about it. ‘I kicked Lu-do-vic in the goolies.’

  ‘Yes. I just spoke to Danny. He told me. Good for you. If ever someone deserved a kick in the nuts, it’s that man. Coming?’ She’s holding her arm out like she’s waiting. And I really want to go but, flip a pancake, I can’t, because of Marnie’s hands being tied.

  ‘I can’t come. Because of him pressing the charges if I do. I’m not allowed anymore.’ She doesn’t say anything for a moment, so I say, ‘More’s the pity.’

  ‘Come on, Hope. Just trust me.’

  I look at Bridget. She shrugs and nods, with a smile.

  ‘You do want to come, don’t you?’ This is Veronica Ptitsky. And I say, yes, I do. I really, really do.

  ‘Good. So let’s go.’

  And I’m about to go with her, but Bridget is laughing and saying haven’t you forgotten something. And my paws are still on my feet.

  All of the group are still in the reception and haven’t gone in yet. Some of them, like Susan Ford and Shelly Bell-y Kell-y with her long hair in a plait to her bottom, are sitting on the puffy benches, and some of them, like Peter Potter, are standing up. Danny Flynn and Simon Taylor are in the corner, near the water machine. And Malcolm with his orange face and Jamal, who’s not a real vampire. Ludovic is between the lift and the desk but with his back towards us, so we can just see his big coat and his hat, which is like an old-fashioned one, like maybe Frank Sinatra or Mr Wormwood from Matilda.

  But he turns round when we come out of the lift, maybe because of it going ping. And it’s like his face goes from being just a still face which isn’t feeling any sort of feeling, to a mouth-down and eyes-wide face, which does not look happy at all. His face makes me want to go right back into the lift and press G to go back down to the library, and to walk out of the doors and far away. But Veronica Ptitsky has her arm through my arm, like the women with the long dresses on the telly. And she gives my arm a squeeze.

  ‘Well.’ This is him, and it’s with his not-happy mouth, and his hands on his hips. ‘Hope Nicely, I was given to believe that you were aware of the discussions between Miss Shale and myself.’ When he says Miss Shale, it’s Miss with a hissing sound, like he’s pretending to be a snake. ‘I was under the impression that you would no longer be inflicting your presence upon us.’

  He is leaning forward, towards me. His cheeks are a bit red. I’m pressing my mouth tight, with my lips together. I’m telling myself not to cry but, flip a pancake, I can feel my eyes itching like they really want to. I can’t even think of a thing to say. And I think maybe I am going to have to cry.

  ‘Actually it was me who asked Hope to come back.’ This is Veronica Ptitsky. She has taken her arm out from mine, and she’s stepping forward, until she’s right in front of Ludovic.

  He’s saying, oh, was it indeed, dear Veronica – and perhaps, in that case, she had not fully understood the seriousness of the situation. Let him enlighten her. Perhaps she did not appreciate how hard he had had to consider whether he should report my act of assault, of actual bodily harm lest we forget, to the powers that be. He lifts his hat up, like he’s saying how do you do, and on his forehead there is a mark which is a bit blue and a bit purple and also there’s a bit of a big lump, and I’m thinking maybe that’s where he hit his head on the desk. Probably it is. Because it did make quite a loud noise.

  Veronica Ptitsky takes another step forward, so now she’s almost touching him. Now she’s putting her hand in the pocket of her zebra coat and, when it comes out again, she’s holding her telephone which is the one that is pink and also gold and with the glitter on it.

  ‘There was something here that I was looking at earlier. Now what was it?’ This is Veronica. And she’s looking at the phone and then lifting it up to show it to Ludovic. ‘Oh yes, this. Here it is. This is the homepage for the university where you lecture?’

  He’s giving her a funny look with his eyebrows close together. ‘Well yes. But surely that’s of no …’

  ‘But I’m right? This one?’

  ‘I fail to …’

  ‘Bear with me please … this page here … about their guidance on diversity and inclusion.’

  ‘Miss Ptitsky. I simply do not see …’

  ‘Just let me find what I was looking at earlier, ah yes … positive action … equality assessment … tackling discrimination …’

  ‘I trust
you’re not suggesting that …’

  ‘We have a full commitment to creating a community for all staff and students where each individual is valued for their unique strengths and given the opportunity to …’

  ‘This is irrelevant. I have never …’

  ‘… irrespective of gender, religious beliefs, age, ethnic background, sexual orientation, personal circumstances and to …’

  ‘I do not see …’

  ‘… full respect for different abilities at all times.’

  He is leaning towards Veronica with his mouth not quite over his teeth and his eyes very wide. ‘Miss Nicely’s behaviour has nothing to do with my workplace’s equal opportunities policies. I don’t think you’re quite comprehending that this … person …’ he is looking at me with a not very nice face, ‘attacked me, very violently and without the slightest provocation on my part. She’d already accosted Simon here. She is clearly incapable of …’

  ‘It was not an attack, though, was it?’ It’s Simon Taylor now. And I’m turning my head from Ludovic, with his eyebrows down and his hard looks, to Simon, and he’s doing a little smile. I think the smile is to me. ‘In fact, it was me who was restraining her. Hope was trying to get free from me. Then you came up and grabbed her too. Her kicking out was just self-defence.’

  ‘Self-defence? Rubbish. It was no accident, and she kicked me with considerable force. For heaven’s sake, it was a blatant physical assault.’

  ‘Come on, Ludovic.’ This is Peter Potter with his big white eyebrows. I’ve only just turned my head back from Simon to Ludovic, and now I’m having to turn it again. ‘Hope is hardly Mike Tyson, is she? Can you really imagine her wanting to hurt a fly?’

  Everybody is looking at me now. Even me. I’m looking down at my hands because it’s a bit odd to be looking at all the eyes. I don’t know who Mike Tyson is but even I know I’m definitely not him. For a little while nobody says anything, but then Danny Flynn does.