by Cara Carnes
Normal.
Maybe he hadn’t died in the hole after all.
Ellie stretched out on the double-sized bed and sighed. For the first time in a long, long time she felt…
Calm.
Her mom was asleep in a medical bed, which meant she was safe from falling out and could adjust herself without needing help. Ellie had a real bed beneath her—not some dingy sofa she’d found at the curb.
And Jesse had fallen asleep on the sofa.
He’d eaten two servings of chicken parmesan and pasta. Then she’d cut him a wedge of peanut-butter-and-chocolate pie. She’d secretly started sprinkling peanut butter goodness back into his world. It’d required her doling out enough sweets to everyone for it not to be obvious, but it’d been worth the time she’d invested because anytime she watched Jesse eat one of her creations, he seemed calmer. Happier.
They’d had another beer as they watched SWAT with her mom—who’d woken up in a better mood than usual.
Momma Mason had worked her magic and kept Ellie’s mom calm and content. By the time the episode was over, Jesse had been fast asleep. She’d helped her mom into bed and tucked her in tight after checking her bag and dispensing medicines. Then she’d walked his mom out.
The faint chime of the alarm on the door drew her attention. Was Jesse sneaking out? He’d been fast asleep just moments ago. Her heart thundered in her chest as she left the bed and padded into the living room.
Levi froze three steps from the main door.
Shock kept her mute. She’d gotten to know the quiet man rather well the past few weeks. He was Jesse’s second-in-command and one hell of an operative, from what Zoey had said. Why was he here? Was everything okay?
He sat in the recliner beside the sofa and kicked it back.
What the hell?
“Go to bed, Ellie.”
“Why are you here?”
“Goodnight, Ellie.”
What the hell? She swallowed the questions on her tongue because she didn’t want to wake Jesse. “There’s chicken parmesan in the fridge. Help yourself, but don’t wake him or I’ll have Addy kick your ass.”
The man grinned and nodded but made no comment. His stealthy entry and quiet nature assured her he wouldn’t intentionally wake Jesse up.
But why had he come in the first place?
The answers would wait until morning. Ellie went back to her room and went to bed.
A loud crash woke Ellie. She bolted up out of bed, fully awake. She’d spent years tending her mom. She’d spent almost as long married to a lunatic who enjoyed terrifying her. She padded into the second bedroom and was surprised to see her mom sleeping soundly.
What the hell had she heard?
She went into the living room and froze.
Jesse was awake. He’d stripped off his shirt and pants and was in a pair of boxer briefs. Deep gouges along his back were evident, thanks to the lamp, now on. Levi stood in the corner, his focus on the man prowling the room.
Jesse stumbled on the coffee table. His lips moved, but no words escaped him. His green eyes were half open, but he was…
Asleep.
“Peanut!”
The mournful scream fractured her shock. She bolted forward, but Levi snagged her about the waist and drew her against him. Locked in his arms, she punched and kicked angrily.
“Don’t,” Levi growled in her ear. “He’s asleep. Night terrors.”
Night terrors? God. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. That sounded bad. Very, very bad. She’d had nightmares since the car accident.
Night terrors?
“Wake him up. Help him.”
“I will, but stay back. He’s usually disoriented when he wakes and strikes out.” Levi’s grim expression cast pain through her. How many times had Jesse endured this? How many times had Levi watched over him?
Jesse curled into a ball in the middle of the living room floor. His gaze was…
Clouded.
Was he awake?
No. He was trapped in hell—the same hell which had left the scars.
He screamed.
The sound fractured Ellie’s resolve to trust Levi. She couldn’t stand there and do nothing, not when he needed someone to wake him up.
“Jesse.” Tears trekked down her cheeks.
The scars. The screams. They were too much to process.
Levi knelt at Jesse’s side and shook him. Jesse lunged and the two men wrestled and rolled around on the floor.
“Goddammit, Jesse. Wake the fuck up,” Levi growled. Then he whistled.
The sound made Ellie wince, but Jesse froze. Blinked. Ellie sat on Jesse’s other side and touched his cheek. She remembered the assurance he’d offered her the other day. “You’re okay, honey. They won’t ever hurt you again.”
Honey. She hadn’t uttered the endearment since before he broke up with her, but a part of her knew he needed to hear her voice.
He grabbed her head and breathed, as if smelling her hair. The drawn breath thundered through the tense silence. Fingers threaded through her curls, so softly and delicately the movement brought tears to her eyes.
“Just one more night with my Ellie, then I can die. Give me one more night. Don’t take it. No.”
She turned her head so he could bury his face deeper into her hair. Her tears fell onto his bare chest.
“Jesse, I know you’re almost with us. Wake up, man,” Levi said. He shook him one more time.
Ellie noted the moment Jesse was alert, back in reality instead of wherever he’d been. The muscles beneath the hand she’d splayed on his chest tensed.
“You’re cool, man. We’re at Ellie’s cottage. You fell asleep here.” Levi’s voice was low and even. Calm. “You’re cool.”
Ellie wrapped her arm around Jesse’s waist and tightened her grip when he tried to pull away. Fear and shock and worry swarmed together and stung her insides like a million pissed-off wasps. She was raw from the emotional upheaval of today. If she let Jesse pull away, he’d bolt.
“Don’t. Don’t pull away, Jesse. Let me hold you a minute.”
“He doesn’t like to be touched, Ellie, especially after an episode,” Levi said.
Oh. She released her grip and moved to pull away. “Sorry, Jesse. I didn’t think.”
No verbal reply came, but his arms wrapped around her. Loose. Tentative. The contact offered her a small hope that he was okay. He’d be okay.
Jesse breathed in Ellie’s scent. Strawberries. He’d inhaled phantom vanilla and lavender so long the new scent burned his nostrils with an unwanted dose of reality—a reality the hazy fog of confusion blurred out.
Tendrils of the nightmare still wrapped around him and squeezed. An IED ticked in his chest—slamming in tempo with his rapid breaths. A fiery burn pulsated along his back and torso as though he’d just taken the lashes all over again. The blood he’d imagined coating his skin was sweat.
He’d fallen asleep at Ellie’s.
“You’re cool,” Levi repeated.
He was far from cool. If Levi hadn’t…
Eyes closed, he slowed each breath. In for four. Hold for four. Out for four. Repeat.
Strawberries.
Each drag of the scent into his nostrils went deeper, as if seeking each shrapnel of horror to excise them. Jesse wished it were that simple. He opened his eyes, and the cloudy haze from before dissipated.
Levi crouched nearby, silent and observant as always. “Why don’t you go put some water on, Ellie? I’ll run and grab some cocoa mix from the mess hall in a minute.”
“I can make cocoa,” she whispered. She looked up at Jesse. “Does that help? After?”
Nothing helped after, but Jesse nodded because he recognized the tactic. Levi wanted Jesse back on the established routine they’d set forth with Doctor Sinclair’s guidance. The sooner the journaling process started the more he’d remember.
Ellie crawled away, then rose. Concern reflected heavily in her watery gaze and thinned lips. She ran her
hands up and down her arms as if staving off a phantom touch. Dark bruises from her run-in with Perskins marred her creamy skin. The thin, pink and white, sleeveless nightshirt hung loosely on her frame, except around her ample breasts.
Back when he was fifteen, he could’ve jacked off for hours at the sight of Ellie as she was now—minus the bruises. The thin material outlined her hard nipples perfectly. The matching shorts were loose, but short.
“Jesse?” Her eyebrows furrowed. “Are you okay?”
“I’m good,” he lied.
“No marshmallows, Ellie,” Levi said with a smirk that told Jesse he’d missed at least one question.
Ellie wandered into the kitchen a short distance away. Jesse ran a hand down his face and forced a deep, even exhale, even though his heart still beat hard. A shirt landed in front of him followed by pants.
How had Levi tracked him down?
As if sensing the question, the man sat on his ass and settled his elbows on his knees. “Little brother will likely hunt your ass down tomorrow. He caught you on surveillance.”
Jesse glanced up at the drone in the corner of the living room. Of course. Jesse dragged on his shirt and stood on wobbly legs. One leg at a time. He could do this.
“You got a journal with you, or do I need to run and grab one?”
Jesse zipped up and fumbled with the largest pocket along his right leg where he always kept a journal and pen. It’d taken a while to adapt to the process of “debriefing” his brain after an episode or particularly shitty day, but he had to admit it helped.
A tremble settled in his hand as he sat and got to work. It’d been at least a decade and a half since he’d had cocoa, but it didn’t take all that long to make.
Fuck. I had another episode after falling asleep at Ellie’s. The past few days of little sleep must’ve caught up with me.
No. I can’t lie in this thing. That’s the rule.
I felt normal. For the first time since this clusterfuck happened, I felt alive. I was just a guy kicking back and having a meal with…
Ellie. Mom.
It was like I’d dreamed. The beer was cold, the food so damn good I can still taste it. Chicken parmesan.
The TV show was SWAT and decent. The movie afterward was shit—a romantic comedy of some sort, but I didn’t give a damn because I was home. Ellie was there.
I must’ve fallen asleep.
My heart is still banging in my chest. Sweat. For a second I thought it was blood.
Fuck. My skin burns. I can feel the whip.
My throat hurts like hell. I’m almost afraid to ask what I screamed. Whatever it was must’ve been bad. It’s written all over Levi’s face. But he won’t ever tell me, and I won’t ever have the balls to ask.
Ellie was here. I didn’t ever want her to see this monster I’ve become. She shouldn’t ever get tainted by this bullshit, but she is. The darkness I’ve fought is on her now. I’d hoped she could move on, but I know my sweet Peanut won’t walk away.
How the fuck can I make her walk away when she’s the only reason I fight?
Strawberries. Her hair smelled like strawberries. I can’t even smell the vanilla and lavender like I always do. Is that a good thing? Deviations are progress.
Fuck if I know. How can any of this shit be good?
What am I feeling? This is the part I hate, but if Doc ever reads this, she’ll drill my ass until she gets an answer. I’m pissed. I had these episodes under control.
Why now?
I had a good night. A damn good one.
I was a normal guy for a few hours. I wasn’t the broken half-man.
I should go, leave the cottage while Ellie’s in the kitchen fussing over cocoa I’ll likely puke up. My gut’s in knots thinking about a conversation with her or Cord. She wasn’t ever supposed to know about this shit.
Jesse wanted to add more, but he heard Ellie’s quiet approach and knew his time was up. The rest would wait. The entry wasn’t the typical fare after an episode. He hadn’t focused on the details because, for once, they hadn’t been at the forefront of his mind. He’d felt the pain, the terror.
But Ellie had been there.
He glanced at Levi, who remained silent as always. The man had seen him through countless episodes. He’d hoped to hell they were through this patch of their friendship. The one-sidedness grated on Jesse in a way he couldn’t ever forget. There were no words or actions to repay all Levi had done.
“Thanks, man.”
“Anytime, brother. Anytime.” Levi stood and took the tray when Ellie arrived.
She plopped down near Jesse—within touching distance but not the skin-to-skin close he’d gotten before, back when his mind had been too confused to process the contact.
He hadn’t minded her touch. In fact, he wanted to haul her closer and experience it once more while his mind was firing on all cylinders. But he had no business blurring the lines. A woman like Ellie deserved a man who could be there for her in all ways.
Sex.
She deserved a man who could fuck her hard, long, and often.
“I brought some snacks,” she whispered.
Jesse glanced down at the peanut butter chocolate chip cookies on a large plate. Three cups of steaming cocoa were passed out before the rightness of the moment slowed the pounding of his chest.
Peanut butter.
No matter where he’d woken, Jesse had always craved peanut butter afterward. Doctor Sinclair said it was a symbol for Ellie, what they’d shared and what he’d left behind. But Jesse hadn’t ever let his talks with the shrink go too far when it came to the woman doling out cocoa and cookies in the middle of the night.
“I’d best take mine to go,” Levi said as he rose with a cup of cocoa in one hand and a stack of cookies in the other. “I’ve got a perimeter shift starting in a few hours.”
Jesse grunted. They’d increased their security presence around the perimeter back when assassins attacked the compound to try and kill Mary and Vi. “Thanks, man.”
“Appreciate the cookies,” Levi said. “And the cocoa.”
Ellie moved to stand.
“Sit. I’ll see you both later.”
Jesse watched the man leave. Nervousness chewed in his gut as silence loomed. He bit into a cookie for lack of anything to say. There was so much to talk about, yet none of it came easily. She wouldn’t understand.
Would she?
“If you need to finish the journal entry, I can go in my room,” she whispered.
Jesse swallowed. “I’m sorry, Peanut. I wasn’t trying to hide anything. When I first wake, I’m confused and still half in the nightmare.”
“Do you have them often?”
Yes. No. Jesse sipped the cocoa and let the sweet, chocolaty warmth roll down his throat. The scent permeated his nostrils and chased more of the phantom tendrils away.
“I used to have them every night. They aren’t as often now. I used to sometimes have them during the day, though those were flashbacks and way worse,” he admitted.
“Does it help? Journaling?”
Jesse studied Ellie a moment. “I must’ve been loud for you to hear me from your room.”
“I was awake and heard something. A crash maybe. I decided to investigate.” Ellie drank her cocoa and watched him over the rim of her mug.
He recognized the haunted exhaustion on her face, the way she studied him as though he held the answers to a question she dared not ask. He’d been like that with Sinclair at first. Too afraid to ask for help. Not knowing what the hell he needed help with.
“You’re having nightmares,” Jesse guessed.
Her blue eyes widened. “How did you know?”
“About Phil?”
She shook her head. “The accident.”
Son of a bitch. Jesse had been so wrapped up in worrying about his mom and Zoey and the boys, he’d never thought to ask Ellie how she was handling the aftermath. She’d been amazing that day. A warrior.
No. A mamma bear protected her cu
bs.
“You know, Sinclair will kick your ass if you don’t journal it right away,” Jesse said. “That’s important.”
“I—” Ellie’s lips tipped in a forced grin despite the wariness in her gaze. The woman had always been easy to read because she never held anything back. “I know.”
Jesse set the cocoa and cookies down. He reached out and ran a thumb across her cheek. “Please tell me you’re seeing Sinclair about the accident, Peanut.”
She looked down. “She’s so busy, Jesse. Her schedule is crazy.”
“You need to talk to her. She can help.”
“I will.”
“Soon,” he said.
“She works from seven in the morning to well after nine or ten at night every day, Jesse. I can’t add to that workload.”
Jesus. He hadn’t ever noticed, and Marshall and Nolan hadn’t mentioned it. Did they know?
“Fuck. We’ve screwing up with her like we did with you. She needs help.” He’d talk to Nolan. “You want to talk about your nightmare, Ellie?”
She shook her head. “I’m fine.”
Jesse picked up a cookie and took a bite. The morsel melted in his mouth. “You’re an even better cook than I remember.”
“I’ve had lots of practice. Baking is my escape, like Vi has quilling and Rhea has music and Bree has that ridiculous game she plays.” Ellie rolled her eyes and sipped her cocoa.
Jesse chuckled. “Bree is a bit scary. What game?”
“You don’t want to know. She makes me farm it for her when she gets busy. She’s the union leader and there’s all sorts of drama and politics going on. You’d think it was a civil war instead of a phone game.”
Laughter rumbled from Jesse. Ellie’s eyes twinkled with delight. “And Rhea’s music gets a bit creepy sometimes. She’s into some Mongolian throat metal of some sort right now. I went down there one day and thought I’d walked in on some ancient sacrificial ritual.”
While Jesse enjoyed hearing about her day-to-day in the present, he needed answers to some questions plaguing him about the time in between. After he’d left. The delicious cookies gave him the first question he’d contemplated often. “What happened, Peanut? Why didn’t you open a restaurant like you wanted?”
