by Cara Carnes
Ellie choked on the cocoa she’d just swallowed. He reached for her, but she recovered. “Wow. I barely remember that.”
It’d been her sole dream outside the two of them married with babies—lots and lots of babies. He forced back thoughts of the latter and waited out the silence. How could she barely remember what’d once been so important?
“You had scrapbooks of recipes,” he said. “Pattern swatches you stole from my mom’s sewing chest you insisted would be perfect tablecloth patterns.”
Red rose in her cheeks. “I think she knew I stole those.”
“She raised six boys and a hellion of a daughter. Nothing escaped her notice.” Jesse chuckled. “Not that it mattered. Ma always loved you. You could’ve stolen everything in the house, and she would’ve let you slide. Heck, she’d chew me out anytime I upset you.”
Ellie smiled. “She’s an amazing mom.”
“I’m sure yours is, too, in her own way.”
“She’s had a rough go. That changes a person,” Ellie whispered.
“You’ve been too busy caring for her to live your life. That’s it, isn’t it?”
“She needs me. You would’ve done the same thing.”
Probably, but he had siblings to help. A community. And his mom would’ve had his ass if he’d made her the center of his world. Jesse didn’t want to fight with Ellie, not when he was still too raw from the nightmare.
“You’re a hell of a woman, Ellie Travers,” he whispered. “The biggest mistake I ever made was leaving you.”
“My biggest regret was letting you go.” Ellie looked away, as if she was as rattled by what she’d said as he’d been with his admission. “I didn’t mean to blurt that out. I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, Ellie. I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t. It’s just…” She took a deep breath he tracked as her breasts moved higher. “What the hell are we doing, Jesse? One minute we can’t be in the same room without you snarling or me cowering. Then we’re kinda okay but ignoring each other. Then we’re chatty. And now we’re…”
“I have no clue what to do with you in my life, Ellie. I can’t be what I once was for you,” Jesse said. “You know that.”
“I know.” She swallowed. “But I can’t walk away like it’s nothing. Whatever this is between us is something, Jesse. I can’t pretend I’m not worried about your nightmares. I don’t want to ignore that or anything else to do with you.”
“And I can’t take a backseat in dealing with your bastard ex,” Jesse admitted. “Even though I should.”
“So what do we do?”
“I have no clue,” he admitted. “We take it minute by minute and day by day. We pave our own road, Peanut. Whatever it is, we decide it together. I won’t let anyone else determine our path. I can’t lose you. Not again.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Jesse.”
The determination in her voice offered a warmth which penetrated deep within him. For a moment he almost believed they’d find a road where they’d keep whatever this was between them.
“I should go and let you finish your journal,” she said as she stood.
“I’m done, but go try and get some rest. It’s early still.” Jesse motioned toward the mugs and leftover cookies. “I’ll take care of this and then head out.”
“There are extra pillows and blankets in the hall closet if you need more than what’s there and want to crash on the sofa again,” she offered.
That wasn’t a viable option. Another episode could happen, and he wasn’t ready to share more of his darkness with her. “Goodnight, Ellie.”
“Goodnight, Jesse.”
6
A soft knock on the door a few minutes after Jesse left startled Ellie. Was he back? Was something wrong?
Surprised to find Cord, she opened the door. “Is everything okay?” She didn’t mention Jesse because she wasn’t sure if his brother knew about the episodes. It wasn’t her place to say anything to anyone.
He prowled into the living room and looked around. The assessment was swift, but thorough. Adrenaline surged in her as her mind raced. Was something wrong? She tracked his gaze when it lifted to the ceiling.
The surveillance drone.
Ellie swallowed. “He’s okay.”
Cord’s attention shifted to her. He dropped a stack of folders onto the coffee table. They landed with a thud. “You thought I didn’t know.”
“What he went through leaves more than scars. He’s strong. He’ll get through it,” she said. “He’s a good man. A good soldier.”
He took a couple steps toward her, but she held her ground. “I lost my brother in that hole.”
Tension corded her spine in steely determination even though the pain in his voice struck her heart. “You didn’t.”
“I did. Back when Mary’s shit was going down, Riley said that bitch Rachelle was ghosting through life,” Cord said.
Ellie wanted to stop the man and correct his assessment of Rachelle. Though she’d tried to kill Riley, Rachelle wasn’t a bitch. She was a severely troubled woman who…
She almost killed Riley.
Okay.
She was a bitch.
“Jesse’s the ghost,” Cord clipped. “He’s so good at faking normal no one sees a part of him is still back there. In hell.”
Ellie’s eyes burned. Her vision blurred as she blinked away the tears. Whatever this was, she wasn’t prepared for the enormity of Cord’s presence right now. “Cord, I…”
“Marshall and Nolan think you’re trouble. They’ve been on board with kicking your ass to the curb since the first day you showed up,” Cord said. “Dylan’s on the fence.”
Her gut clenched. Big brothers held a lot of influence, but she wondered who was influencing who. Had Jesse’s initial desire to vacate her from his life driven his brothers’ scorn of her, or had they instigated it?
“Dallas saw it first.”
Ellie jerked at the shift in his tone. From angry to soft, confused. “Saw what?”
“The little shit I didn’t pick up on because I don’t remember you with him back then.”
Oh God. Ellie blinked tears back and turned. She padded into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. The action gave her a second to collect her thoughts before she returned to the living room and set the extra down on the coffee table beside the folders he’d tossed there.
She opened the bottle and drank. The cold liquid didn’t detract from the tension filling the room, but at least she had something to think about other than Jesse and her back then. Before he’d left for war. Before he’d been imprisoned. Before he’d almost died.
She sat on the sofa and glared up at him. “I’m not hurting anyone. He hasn’t noticed. Go ahead and chew my ass out if you want, but I’m not stopping.”
The little shit. Ellie admitted she’d gone a smidge overboard with the small things meant to give a piece of happiness to not only Jesse, but the other operatives as well. Homemade goodies. Personalized jars of jellies.
It’d started as a compulsion to give everyone a taste of good after a rotten day or a horrible mission. Then it’d morphed into a personal project she hadn’t admitted to anyone. Yet Dallas had noticed and shared with Cord. Who else knew?
“You keep the mess hall stocked with his favorite stuff.”
“Everybody’s favorites are there if I know what they are,” she argued.
“Peanut butter cups in the candy dispenser on your desk on the days Jesse signs checks,” Cord said.
Okay, that was for Jesse. Ellie took another swallow of water as Cord sat down on the sofa beside her. She didn’t know the youngest of the Mason men well. He’d chased around after them growing up, but keeping up with Riley had been a full-time chore. She barely remembered the quiet youngest brother.
“Peanut butter cookies. Peanut protein bars.”
“Everyone should have a dose of home when they’re away risking their lives,” Ellie whispered
.
“And you give it to all the teams now so you can have an excuse to see to Jesse,” Cord said.
She did. The compulsion had become a reality shortly after Kamren’s situation. She’d set cookies out in all the operations rooms and in the mess hall, but that hadn’t been enough. The past couple weeks she’d started making little baggies of sweets and sneaking them into the operatives’ personal lockers when she saw their team on The Arsenal’s list of upcoming ops.
“I like baking. It’s not a big deal.”
“Maybe not, but it is to me.” Cord took the bottle of water and uncapped it. “And to Dallas.”
Ellie looked away as he drank. Jesse’s brothers were almost as amazing as him. Everyone at The Arsenal was. She wished she was a brilliant computer person like Mary or Vi or Zoey. Or Cord. Heck, she wished she was a scientist like Bree or Rhea. Or a kickass operative like Addy. Or a budding sleuth like Riley.
But she was a teacher who’d lost her job and was answering phones and processing vendor payments.
“You’re good with the boys,” Cord commented. “Dallas watched like a hawk the first few weeks. That’s why he noticed.”
Of course. He hadn’t been fully committed to her teaching his sons, but that’s what made him such a kickass dad.
Jesse would be a kickass dad.
The thought punched her heart hard. She clutched the area and forced a breath. He wouldn’t ever have a kid of his own, would he? Ellie wasn’t sure. She had ten billion questions about Jesse’s captivity and his injuries, but no business asking, even if someone was willing to answer.
“You’re good for Jesse.” Cord studied her. Ellie stayed silent, too shocked to speak. “This last mission was the first one he hesitated to take. For a moment I could’ve sworn he’d turn it over rather than leave you.”
“Most wouldn’t say that’s a good thing, Cord,” she commented softly.
“Then they’re crazy. We put our lives on the line every time we go on a mission, Ellie. The day we don’t give a damn whether we come back or not is the day we likely won’t. I’ve watched my brother dance that line too long.”
“He has Doctor Sinclair. Besides, Mary and Vi are really good. They’d spot problems if Jesse had any.” Ellie prayed they would because Cord’s statement terrified her. What if he was right?
She hoped he was an overly worried little brother. Nothing more.
“Jesse’s a chameleon. Each of us has a skill, a unique ability in the field that makes us a bit better at one or two things than anyone else on our team or at The Arsenal. You don’t get to lead without it.” Cord studied her a moment. “He always blended in with whoever he was around growing up. I remember envying him that ability. Dylan and Nolan mentioned it once, back when Jesse first returned. That skill likely kept him alive.”
God. Ellie squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn’t take anymore of whatever this was. It hurt way, way too much. “Why are you here?”
“Because you’re the first real hope I see of getting that piece of my brother back, the part of him he left in that hole.” Cord tapped the files. “This is my going all in on you bringing him back to us, Ellie.”
“W-what are those?”
“Answers. Horrors.”
“No.” She stood, too tempted by the stack Cord had assembled. Answers. “Those aren’t yours to give, not without permission. I don’t have a right to those.”
“You do. We all do.” Cord stood.
Determination shone in his eyes—eyes so like Jesse’s it hurt to maintain contact, but she did. This was too important to shrink away from. “I know you mean well, but this isn’t my business.”
“Let me set you straight on something, then I’ll go,” Cord said, his voice tight and low. “This is war. We didn’t ask for it, but we were all dragged into it the day those assholes took Jesse.”
“Cord…”
“This is a war. I’ll fight dirty and use anything and everything within my power to win because I love Jesse. I want him back. All the way back.” Cord took another step closer. “I know my family and the teams we have assembled are onboard with this war, Ellie. We fight it in the trenches alongside him every goddamn day. Levi watches his six twenty-four seven. There is nothing The Arsenal won’t do for Jesse.”
Ellie loved that Jesse had so many fighting for him—helping him heal.
“We won’t ever get that part of him back without you,” Cord declared. “You’re the key.”
“No, I’m not,” she denied. “He left me, Cord. You were young. You don’t remember, but he chose that life over one with me. I’m not a key to anything but what could have been if he’d chosen a different path.”
“‘The biggest mistake I ever made was leaving you.’”
Ellie gasped. “Don’t you dare throw his words back. You spied on him?”
“Clue in, Ellie. When I said this was war and I’d fight dirty and do anything for Jesse, I damned well meant it,” Cord said, his voice louder than before. “You’re the key. You damned well know it.”
“I don’t.” Ellie shook her head, but the denial was bitter on her tongue. “What do you want from me? What do you think I can do?”
“Everything. I want you in those trenches fighting and clawing whatever monsters you get to that we’ll never touch. I want you to find every scar and heal it.” Cord motioned toward the pile of folders. “That’s all I’ve gathered about what happened. It’s not much, but it’s a start. I’ve seen your Google searches, and I know you’ve bugged Logan a few times with questions he refused to answer. Most of what I thought you wanted is there, too, but there are a lot of holes I can’t patch without alerting Mary or Vi.”
And Cord didn’t want to bring anyone else into what he’d been doing. God. “How long have you been gathering this stuff?”
“Since he got back,” Cord said with a whisper. “A couple of my brothers went and blew shit up and kicked some asses to process what Jesse went through. One tried fucking his way through half the state. They talked it out with one another and got a bit of closure, but we won’t ever heal until he’s happy.”
And Jesse’s youngest brother had buried himself in the redaction to try and get answers he might never obtain. He was traumatized by what had happened to Jesse but had likely never spoken to anyone about it.
Neither had she.
“Cord, you should talk to Jesse about this,” she said gently. She touched his arm. “He should know you’re worried.”
“He’s not ready for us. What he went through…” Cord swallowed, visibly shaken by whatever he was thinking. “I don’t even know how he survived. He returned to us, but he’s not home, Ellie.”
“Because he’s a ghost.” He was haunted by what had happened. Who wouldn’t be? “That’s what the therapy is for, Cord.”
“Yeah, he’s a thousand times better than he was before Sinclair came onboard,” Cord said. “You’re the key to finding the rest of him.”
Ellie stood, too shocked to reply as the man left. Minutes ticked by as she stared at the pile of folders she had no business having. If Jesse ever found out…
This is war.
Tears tumbled down her cheeks. Cord and everyone else at The Arsenal were fighting a silent war to help Jesse overcome what’d happened. Turning away wasn’t an option. She’d been trying to ferret out answers to mount an attack of her own because she’d seen the haunted gazes, the pained expressions as he watched his nephews play.
He’d never have boys of his own.
I want at least six babies, Peanut.
Six? How about four.
Fine. Eight.
We aren’t having eight babies, Jesse James Mason.
She’d curled into him and sighed her acceptance for however many babies he wanted because when it came to Jesse James Mason, there wasn’t anything she wouldn’t give him.
That hadn’t changed. She may have married Phil, but a part of her had always been Jesse’s. She wrapped her arms around her waist and fell to her
knees and sobbed.
If there was any chance at healing even one of Jesse’s emotional scars, she had to try. With a trembling hand, she picked up the first folder and started reading.
Mornings with Ellie’s mom weren’t ever simple. It didn’t take long for Ellie to realize this morning wouldn’t be an exception.
“That Mason isn’t what I expected,” her mom commented.
Ellie turned from the stove and glanced at her mom, who’d taken a seat at the bar of the small cottage. The first portion of the morning routine had been simpler than expected. The bathroom was outfitted with the same walk-in tub and accoutrements that the Mason ranch house had been upgraded with. She’d known a few of the new houses were being outfitted with them, but she hadn’t expected to be put in one.
“Jesse. You know his name, Ma.”
Ellie continued working on an omelet. Some things never changed. No one would ever be good enough for her as far as her mom was concerned.
As much as she appreciated the sentiment, she was too emotionally raw to handle it this morning. She’d been up most of the night pouring through the files Cord had provided. Details about the assignment that’d left Jesse alone in the middle of a war and surrounded by potential enemies were sketchy, but Ellie knew the why didn’t matter.
Not anymore.
“He’s haunted. No one goes through what he did and comes out the same,” her mom said.
Cord had said pretty much the same thing last night.
But her mom never talked with anyone and never went anywhere without Ellie, which meant she hadn’t heard much about Jesse and his “ordeal.” Folks in the tri-county thought they knew the Masons better than anyone else.
“He’s a good man.”
“Never said he wasn’t. They sure moved you out here quick when Phil started messing with you.”
Approval resonated in her mom’s voice. Ellie paused, a bit surprised and curious what Jesse had done to win her mom over. “They’re good people.”
“I don’t like that Phil’s messing with you, Ellie-belly.”
“I know, Ma. It’ll die down soon. You know how he is.”
