books 1 - 3

by Ella J. Smyth

  The next few hours were spent in the tradition of insomniacs everywhere. Twitter, stupid online games, and eventually Netflix. Sometimes in the early dawn, her eyes had stopped blinking and she had to make an effort to remember that simple motion. Again and again the gritty itchiness took over and broke her out of a blank stare. She dripped artificial tears into her eyes from an old bottle that clearly should have been discarded since she’d opened it longer than three months ago. An attack of pinkeye felt far more remote to Adi than the constant need to scratch her corneas. After the first shot of pain when she’d dug a nail too close to her eyeball in an effort to stop the frigging itch, she compromised by rubbing her eyelids until they hurt.

  Finally it was time to fetch more material from the library, and for the rest of the day, she buried herself in an avalanche of books. There were times when tiredness became an issue, but she held out and popped Nathan’s pills and a few caffeine tablets in lieu of guzzling gross coffee. The headaches crept up on her gradually. By evening, the pain had risen to a level where it became impossible to ignore.

  Adi’s limbs felt heavy when she collected her next load of books to work through. Pretty soon she’d be running out of material that she was allowed to check out. Then she’d be forced to sit in the library to gain access to older volumes. Her eyelids were drooping, not because she was tired but because the remaining evening light streaming in through the floor-to-ceiling library windows hurt too much. She covered her eyes with her hands and opened them wide. Staring into the pitch blackness offered her blessed relief for a few moments, then the pain invaded her forehead like an advancing storm, blanking out any conscious thought.

  Back at her room, she frantically dug through the red plastic bin she used as a catchall in the bathroom. Her fingers finally grasped an old pack of painkillers, and she sighed with relief. The irony of the situation didn’t escape her. She’d gone from never taking any drugs if she could avoid it, to popping pills like an addict. Drugs to keep her awake, more drugs to keep her focused, drugs against the headaches resulting from the other drugs. And none of it was her own decision.

  She hadn’t suddenly decided she needed chemical assistance to pass school. She was an honor-roll student, always had been. And now, for reasons entirely out of her control, she was reduced to hanging on for dear life, just trying to get through it day by day.

  Adi slumped against the tiled wall and slowly slid down to sit on the floor. Her whole body felt so heavy that she didn’t want to move ever again. She closed her eyes and rested her head against the cool wall behind her. Just for a moment, to calm down. The jittery feeling receded a little as she remembered Honi’s instructions and concentrated on breathing in and out. Honi. He had tried so hard to help her, so long ago it seemed.

  She must have fallen into a trance, because when she opened her eyes, the dim light coming in through the bathroom door had that golden-peach morning glow that promised a gorgeous day. Adi got up, wincing all the while. Her butt felt like a stuffed sock, like it didn’t even belong to her body. She tried a few half-hearted squats but after nearly falling forward and barely catching herself with her hands, she shuffled to the sink and filled up a glass of water.

  When she raised the glass to her lips, she stopped. There was something swimming in the clear liquid, like a fuzzy orange ball. It looked disgusting through the refractions of the glass sides, so she held it to her eyes to look at it closer. There was nothing there. Adi frowned, then emptied and refilled her glass just to be safe. She ran her fingers through her hair and grimaced at the oily feel. Time for a shower. She’d feel better after.

  Today she had a final class before exams, and Honi would be there. Her fingers lifted to touch the corner of her mouth. Maybe she would get a chance to apologize. It seemed so long ago that she had shouted at him. She wanted to tell him about Mrs. Worthington, about her new strategy to survive until after finals, and to ask him to start again once exam pressure was off. Maybe she could make him listen. Maybe… Adi jerked as the glass nearly slipped through her fingers. She had become so engrossed in her thoughts that she’d stopped paying attention to anything else. A shower would make her feel more alert, for sure.

  The water felt amazing on her skin. Adi rubbed her favorite grapefruit-scented shower gel onto a sponge and ran the lather over her chest, belly, up her legs and under her arms. She sighed with pleasure, throwing her head back into the warm stream and feeling her shoulders unclench. This was one of the great enjoyments of life, she thought dreamily. For just a little while, the flow over her face and ears created a hot, steamy cocoon that insulated her from the pressures that waited their turn until she stepped back outside the cubicle.

  She grabbed a fresh towel and began soaking up the drops clinging to her clean skin. She went through the motions quickly because a slight draft from underneath the bathroom door made her shiver already. Absentmindedly, she rubbed her arms dry, and it wasn’t until it began to hurt that she looked at the bend of her elbow. The terry towel had abraded her skin until red blemishes appeared. Tiny bruises rose to the surface, red spots under the skin where Adi had rubbed particularly harshly. She stared in disbelief. She’d had no idea she had applied that much pressure.

  Her other arm began to itch, and in an unconscious reaction, Adi slapped the skin hard. The sensation moved from her arms to her back and neck, and she tore at her skin before she could stop herself. The itch seemed to be in a deeper layer of skin where she couldn’t reach. The harder she scratched, the more it hurt, and the more it hurt, the worse it itched. A low moan rose from her chest as her skin turned hot and bright red. Moving more and more frantically, Adi recoiled from the crawling sensation underneath her skin. In desperation, she jumped back into the shower and turned the water to cold.

  Shrieking when the icy needles hit her overheated skin, she forced herself to endure until the itch stopped. By the time she stepped outside again, she was shivering and her lips had turned blue. At least the irritation had disappeared, and she was wide awake. She dressed as quickly as she could and combed her wet hair.

  Basking in the warmth of the hairdryer, she had the strangest sensation of floating out of her body. This time she wasn’t scared or even surprised. Instead she looked at herself and smiled at the contentment on her face as she moved her head this way and that way. The moment lasted only a second and then Adi stumbled, dropping the hairdryer and catching herself on the sink.

  She raised her head and stared at her tired, bloodshot eyes. How many hours had she been awake? She’d lost count, and trying to remember the days felt like hard work. Her thoughts were scattering and wouldn’t slow down for her to catch up. It didn’t matter anyway—she only needed to last another two days after today. Wait, that meant she’d been awake three and a half days. She groaned, then remembered what Oma-Adi used to say. “This too will pass”. It would. All she had to do was last two more days. Child’s play.

  Honi allowed himself to be carried along by the tide of chattering freshmen. After Adi had stormed off again, ironically he was the one who’d had trouble sleeping. He had tried to call John but couldn’t get hold of him. He still hadn’t come back from his meeting in South Dakota, and the cell coverage there wasn’t the greatest, apparently. Honi had left two messages but not heard back so far. He hadn’t seen Adi for four days and he had no idea how she was doing. Every time he stopped by her dorm, she wasn’t there.

  He was worried about her. Not knowing what was going on with the girl he’d grown so fond of was really upsetting him. He found it hard to sleep at night. Every time he closed his eyes, he remembered the wounds all over her body. His stomach felt heavy when he thought of how he had driven her away. He had tried so damn hard to teach her the way John had taught him. It hadn’t been enough. He hadn’t been enough, and that hurt so much that his shoulders hunched up. He slipped into an empty seat in the back of the class and kept his head down while trying to compose himself.

  Ho’neo whined and pushed against his kne
e. Honi quickly looked up at whatever had drawn the wolf’s attention. It was Adi. She looked awful. Her hair was clean but dull, a stringy curtain half-covering her face. The unhealthy pallor of her skin was marred by red blotches. Her whole posture signaled tiredness, shoulders hunched into herself. The worst though were her eyes. Where they usually shone with intelligence and alertness, they now lay deep in their sockets, muted, bloodshot.

  Before he managed to open his mouth and ask what the hell was going on with her, she moved to her seat, exhaustion clear in every tired step she took. Honi could barely concentrate on the lecture. Where was the vibrant girl who had stormed off in a temper only a handful of days ago? Even scared and injured, she had had a fire in her that wouldn’t let her stop fighting. Now she sat on her seat with sightless eyes staring forward, not blinking, not moving. Only occasionally would she make a note with her old-fashioned fountain pen.

  Diepger moved through the material at breakneck speed. Honi had to hustle to keep up, and he tried hard to commit key points to paper. Next to him, a girl typed away on her laptop. She worked so fast with a perfect ten-finger technique that the clickety-clack sounded like Morse code. It irritated him so much that he threw a dirty look at her. The girl glanced at him, then did a double take and frowned back. Honi sighed. No need to take out his frustrations on other people.

  For the next few minutes, he continued taking notes, ignoring the noise level in the hall. Now that his hearing had tuned into the subtle tapping of fingers on keys, it seemed to come from everywhere. Honi didn’t have the money to buy a new MacBook, and his old one had given up the ghost not long ago. Who knew spilling juice on the keys would cost as much to clean up as buying a new one? Writing by hand after years of electronically taking notes made him even antsier than he already felt.

  With a grunt he flung his pen down on the paper. Maybe he could convince Sam to let him borrow his notes. He was already so far behind, he might as well leave it for today. He settled back into his seat, folded his arms in front of his chest and just looked around. Most students had their heads down, but two rows ahead of him, a young man dressed in a gray canvas jacket and a scarf took a clump of paper out of his mouth and aimed it at the girl ahead of him. Honi shook his head. That dude dressed like a hipster and acted like a brat. What a douche.

  “Hey, what’s up with that girl up ahead? Is she on drugs?” Honi sat up straight. The two boys behind him were talking about Adi, no doubt.

  “She’s messed up, man, look at her twitch,” one of them said with a chuckle. Honi’s eyes were drawn back to the girl, and sure enough, her head made tiny jerks to the side and back again. Except Honi knew that they weren’t twitches but frightened little involuntary responses to something she saw. If her appearance hadn’t tipped him off, her behavior sure did. Her visions were getting the better of her.

  Adi lifted her hand to shield her eyes at one point, and Honi could clearly make out her fingers. Her nails were chewed to the quick and one of them was crusted with blood. No wonder people thought she was taking something. She looked ill—psychotic, even.

  After a while, her head dropped lower, only to jerk up again. She seemed to fall asleep right in front of the entire class. Come on Adi, don’t give Diepger an opening. The instructor had noticed her odd behavior, but rather than challenge her as he had done before, he looked at her with a satisfied smirk. Then his eyes met Honi’s, and he smirked wider, as if he was in on a joke and the young man wasn’t.

  This was terrible. Adi hadn’t struck him as a user, but you couldn’t always tell. One of Honi’s friends back in high school had taken Ritalin that he’d scored from his younger brother. He said afterwards it helped him feel more awake during school. Nobody knew until he’d collapsed at a rave and nearly died. His parents had sent him to rehab but he’d never recovered. He had gone on to abuse over-the-counter meds, and last Honi’d heard, he was serving time for dealing harder stuff. He had gone from a skinny kid with his whole life ahead of him to a broken wreck of a man, so badly emaciated even his parents hadn’t recognized him last time they’d visited.

  Honi thought hard. Adi was obviously much worse than before. Worse than a few days of bad sleep would account for. What if there was truth in the whispers? What if she was on drugs? As he considered the possibility, Adi’s head dropped to her chest again. This time it stayed down for a moment. Then her whole body seemed to convulse, her arms flew in the air and she slipped precariously sideways on the smooth surface of her seat. For a split second, it looked like she might topple, but instinct took over and she righted herself.

  A wave of giggling rolled through the room. Everybody had witnessed her near-fall. Adi looked around and the sheer terror on her face made Honi’s heart go out to her. She looked so small, so scared, huddled into her fleece, her eyes wide open and bloodshot. He wanted nothing more than to fold her into his arms, to hold her and whisper to her until she wasn’t so scared anymore.

  In that moment he made up his mind. She needed his help and he would find a way to help her. He wouldn’t allow the girl he’d held in his arms only last week to slip away because she was too stubborn to accept help. He had never been so determined in his life. He’d find a way to convince her. He would hold out until the end of class and then talk to her again. If she did take drugs, then it was only to be able to handle the visions that terrified her. Handle the visions, handle the drugs. Easy.

  She didn’t know what was worse, the spaced-out feeling of spiraling out of control, or the look on Honi’s face when she tried to sneak past him in the lecture hall. A couple of hours after washing her hair, it hung as lank as a beaded curtain from her sore head. The painkillers had helped a little, but now her stomach ached so badly that she could barely keep upright.

  Every few steps, her insides cramped as if they wanted to contract and expand all at the same time. Adi groaned and bent over, trying to breathe through the pain. Her bag slipped off her shoulders and banged against her shins as she stood bent over. Grunting in irritation, she straightened while pressing the brown leather knapsack against her tummy, and opened the door to the lecture hall.

  Honi was already sitting in his usual seat. His shiny black hair was gathered into a ponytail, and his white T-shirt stretched tightly over his broad shoulders. He had gotten some sun in the last few days, and the contrast between his bronze skin and the white fabric was striking. She shook her head at herself. Apparently it didn’t matter how bad she felt, she still wanted him.

  Just as Adi made a beeline towards a free seat, Honi looked up at her. His jaw literally dropped, and it would have been funny if she hadn’t known why his face looked so surprised. She winced when she imagined what he saw—her greasy hair, the shadows under her eyes, the pallor of the skin. Her heart sank. There didn’t seem to be any point trying to talk to him and explain. The look on his face made it very clear what he thought of her. She knew she wasn’t pretty, and not sleeping for nearly four days surely hadn’t improved her appearance.

  She lowered her eyes and slunk into a seat two rows in front of the young Mekui’te. Adi tried to get comfortable and spent a few seconds getting her work materials ready. Instead of taking notes electronically like most of the students around her, she preferred to use pen and paper. She found it a lot easier to mind-map her notes, using pretty colored pens instead of writing down every sentence in order.

  Her mind was going haywire when, today of all days, she needed to be sharp. Any last questions before the exam would be answered during the session, and she couldn’t afford to miss it. Adi listened intently and put pen to paper with determination. She frowned again when her hand wouldn’t stop trembling. She drew a circle in the middle of the sheet, more like an oval really, then got distracted again, trying to control the tremor. This was getting out of hand. She quickly looked up at the boy next to her, who gave her a curious glance. She scowled back, then pushed the pen so hard into the paper that it tore.

  Her head dipped forward so that her face was hidden
behind a curtain of hair. This was going to be a hard ninety minutes. She closed her eyes and concentrated on breathing in and out, the way she had learned not so long ago. It helped a little, and for the next few minutes she frantically drew lines and scribbled keywords into her mind map.

  Soon a leaden tiredness began to take over again. Her shoulders sagged forward, and her back rounded. She caught herself nodding off for a split second, her head jerking upright involuntarily. Adi looked nervously left and right, but nobody seemed to have noticed her momentary lapse. Then it happened again and again. Each time, her limbs jerked as they sometimes did when she was just on the verge of falling asleep.

  She forced herself to sit upright, shoulders back. When Diepger’s back was turned for a moment, she dived into her bag and pulled out a bottle of water. Furtively she took a few sips and relished the cool liquid rushing down her throat. She immediately felt better and more alert. The feeling didn’t last long. Soon she fell back into a cycle of nodding off, eyelids drooping, and jerking back to attention.

  No wonder she couldn’t stay awake, Adi thought irritably. There were no windows open in the room, and with so many warm bodies using up all the fresh air, the atmosphere had turned stuffy. In fact, she wasn’t the only one struggling with staying awake. The boy to her right was slumped deeply into his seat, legs outstretched and arms crossed. Judging by the glazed look in his eyes, it wouldn’t be long until he was gone either.

  The next time it happened to Adi, she fell asleep for a few seconds. Her fingers loosened and she dropped the pen. It nearly rolled off the desk by the time she jerked awake again and caught it. She stifled an enormous yawn, then rubbed both hands over her face. Again she sat upright and forced herself to concentrate on the droning voice of the instructor.