Charlie Needs A Cussbomb

by Daniel Whittman

of voice was lathered in sarcastic politeness as he said, Sorry sir, I will have to stamp a pass in for your notebooks if you do not mind. While he was writing it, he added, Be sure to stop on your way out sir and I will stamp it out sir.

  The condescending tones hit Charlie as if a length of red-hot barbed wire had been yanked through his brain. Reason kept jumping up and down and screaming forget this egotistical fool! Get your material and get out! Do it fast, fast, really fast!

  Charlie reached for the pass as the stamp banged down on it. Then he left in a gray blur and ricocheted around the room like a bullet from a high-powered rifle.

  Less than a second later Charlie held out the pass. Would you stamp this out please? Ive taken all the notes I need.

  The guard was visibly shaken. Several buttons fell off his uniform and spun idly on the marble floor. He spoke in a hoarse whisper, Bu&but&si...sir I just stamped your pass in not a second ago look! He rubbed his finger over the ink leaving a smudge. You couldnt have moved more than five feet in that time. Or&or could you?

  Charlie smiled condescendingly. Well you can see I was in a sort of hurry. I only took time to fill eight notebooks.

  Did you say ei&eight no¬e books?

  Well yes as a matter of fact I did. As I said, I was rather in a hurry. But dont worry. I can always read my writing even after it is cold.

  The guards voice when he spoke, it seemed to be echoing from a crack in a long forgotten tomb. B&but that is&is not exactly w&what I was worried about si& The guard had slowly slipped to the floor unnoticed by Charlie who had vanished through the door on his way to hunt more material.

  Later that day, the quiet of the evening was shattered by a group of newsboys who grabbed armloads of newspapers from the back of the news truck, which had parked temporarily near a lighted theatre marquee. Then each of them ran in a different direction through the midtown streets of Cleveland, Ohio. They all were shouting the headlines, Gray Phantom Strikes Waterfront.

  One little fellow accidentally ran headlong into Charlie. Charlie hardly felt him, but caught him before he could fall and set him up on his feet again.

  Smiling down at the boy Charlie said, You hurt son?

  Nah! I aint hurt. Paper Mister? Maybe ya wanna read bout the Phantom? Huh Mister?

  Charlie dropped a quarter in the boys hand and took the nickel paper as he said, Think youd have any trouble spending the change?

  No Sir! Gee tanks Mister! The newsy ran off down the street and resumed yelling the headlines.

  As Charlie glanced at the headlines, he thought he began to hear the sizzling and sputtering of a big juicy steak being tossed on a hot griddle behind him.

  Turning to see where it was coming from he found himself looking into the grill window of a restaurant that he had bypassed many times before as being a little too swanky for his tastes.

  Charlie smiled as he saw the fat French Chef dressed in white cast iron standing at the window grill lovingly tending his latest victim. The chef appeared to love his job and the food he prepared. He needed the cast iron suit to keep his bulk from exploding out and strangling him.

  The Chef seeing Charlies smile, patted his tummy and rolled his eyes pointing at Charlie then at the sizzling steak.

  By this time, the exhaust fan over the window had put the finishing touches on the Chefs invitation. Charlie took a deep breath hoping the captured aroma would hold him until he could get inside.

  Finding the grillroom too crowded, Charlie had to go into the also crowded dining room. Yipes! Charlie thought. This is swanky.

  Charlie found a small table and sat down. While waiting to be served, he opened his paper wondering why he had hit the headlines and began to read.

  Late this afternoon reports flooded into Police headquarters of a strange happening in the Dock Street district. Bystanders were not exactly sure what happened. It happened so fast one disappointed man said he had blinked his eyes and had missed the whole thing. Some of the more fortunate witnesses stated that there was a gigantic gray phantom snatching up in rapid succession more than a hundred screaming and struggling waterfront characters. Then he twisted them the way a housewife would twist a dishrag, as if he wanted to drain them of words or emotions. However, all the gray phantom got for his trouble were strings of hoarse voiced curse words that burnt and blistered their lips as they hurled the words at their assailant.

  Police Chief I. C. Haddock who appeared on the scene just minutes later admitted there wasnt much he could charge the Gray Phantom with even if he did exist since no apparent damage was done nor did anyone press charges. The Chief made mention of other smaller escapades of the alleged Gray Phantom that had come to his attention throughout the day&

  Charlie did not finish reading. He thought,Well look like thats going to blow over in a hurry. Besides, I think I think I have all the dope I need. Lets see now& Charlies mind was clicking along like the rush hour in a slot machine joint.

  Lost in thought he folded his newspaper and tossed it on the table. The corner of the newspaper bumped not too gently an upturned water glass against the frosted sides of a large pitcher of ice cubes and water. It made a noisy glass dinging sound.

  When Charlie saw the glass righting itself, he ignored it. Then he looked up to see if he could catch the eye of a waiter.

  He glanced up just in time to see a woman who looked to him as if she had her ancestral ship Mayflower branded on her forehead. If her nose stuck up any higher, she could have rented it out for a flagpole. She was looking in his direction and saying something to her dominated male. Her husband slave tried to look over his shoulder without appearing to do so. Charlie was wondering if she had her nose to high because she got too much of a sniff of the bilge water in the ladys room. Charlie was not sure of anything she said, but at one point, he clearly saw her lips form the words, Clumsy Ape!

  The words roared around the walls of his skull like a motorcycle of death performance. His brain cells raced to their battle stations.

  Commander Blowtop was still trying to get into his pants as Commander Cussemout began shouting orders to line up the newly arrived word torpedoes and ready to be shot through the nerve tubes to the vocal cords.

  Charlie could feel the words lining up in his mind. Why that ceiling sniffing chuck of blubberized girdle stuffing. I ought to& Forgetting where he was Charlie blurted out, Hey! I am learning! I am&Then as he remembered he grabbed up the newspaper to hide his embarrassment.

  Then Charlie heard a sound as if a mouse had skidded to a stop beside his table. Ahem. Ahem.

  Looking up he saw the headwaiter pulling his one hundred pounds up to his full five feet. Tapping his chin on a menu, he said in a frigid tone of voice, Im sorry Sir! I will have to ask you to control yourself.

  Temptation was strong for Charlie to strike with his new vocabulary, but then he decided it best to kid around instead of cussing his way out of this little jam.

  Charlie was sincerity itself when he said, Certainly but where is the check room. Also is the attendant playful?

  The headwaiter tilted the menu toward the entrance. Just as you say Sir. The first door on your right& Time stood still for the headwater until he could catch up with Charlies words. Then the real meaning of the words started boring themselves into his unusually soft skull. Contempt sat on the little mans tongue as he said, You huge men! You are utterly brazen! Utterly horrid! The menu was woodpeckering his chin as his voice continued with a trace of fear, If I had my way I wouldnt let such riff-raff into this establishment even if they are dressed like gentlemen.

  Sitting down at almost eye level with the headwaiter, Charlie looked up slightly, Take it easy. Theres no sense of calling each other names is there? Now is there? I only made a small joke after all.

  The expression on the face of the headwaiter made Charlie think of a rooster squawking and strutting to show off for the hens. However, it appeared the human hens were not that impressed
in the establishment. He fixed the best steely stare he could muster on Charlie. Then he spoke as if he was balancing a piece of Limburger cheese on the end of his nose. Sir this establishment wishes to be patronized by only the very elite. From all appearances, you are certainly not a member of that set. The clumsy mannered person should confine himself to a less refined&

  That moment, things happened in a blur in Charlies mind. Charlies brain cells were torn between waiting for the steak or blasting the pompous ass with a blizzard of new cuss words or losing face.

  Even before the last ballots were in from the competing brain cells, his temper had moved up a notch then clattered to the ceiling as if a stick was being pulled along a picket fence.

  Charlie hastily ran a sneak preview in his minds eye. You fly speck on the pump handle of life, a mere stretched out crumb flicking, tip begging blister on the heel of humanity. Fate must have blown your brains into your head with a pea shooter.

  Charlies temper was dropping a notch at a time as each new cuss word fell into place in his mind. He began to feel like a boy with an armload of snowballs at a high hat convention. Charlies voice rumbled and came out with a blast, Now it is my turn sonny. You, sputter&sputter&sput&whoosh. Charlies voice died out. With a grunt of astonishment is all he could manage after his failure. Amazement battled with the red fury for possession of