The Love Square

by Laura Jane Williams

  ‘Beautiful, isn’t it?’ came a voice.

  Penny opened her eyes and turned to see Thomas wrapped in a chunky knit scarf, a scrappy little dog at his feet.

  ‘Hello,’ said Penny, startled at his appearance. ‘I didn’t know you had a dog.’

  ‘Well you wouldn’t, would you?’

  ‘No, I suppose not,’ Penny nodded. Thomas never had stopped by the pub about that walk. She bent down to the puppy. ‘Hello, you! Aren’t you beautiful? You’re so beautiful!’

  ‘Are you heading up that way? That’s where we normally go. We can go together?’

  Penny’s gaze followed the direction he was motioning in. She checked her watch. ‘You know what, I’ve got a staff meeting in a minute,’ she said, and it was the truth. How long had she been stood there, just being? ‘It’s a good job you interrupted my little reverie, actually – I didn’t realize the time. I only meant to pop out for a minute.’

  ‘Pleased to be of service,’ Thomas clowned, doing a small bow. ‘We should take that walk together we talked about, though. If you still want to.’

  ‘Yes,’ Penny replied. ‘I do.’

  ‘There’s just one thing,’ he added. ‘Something I’d like to make clear.’

  Penny waited for him to clarify what he meant. ‘Yes?’

  ‘Well, I made out like I wanted to be your mate, but when I said let’s go for a walk what I meant was let’s spend time together and tell each other our secrets and maybe we could end up …’

  Penny raised an eyebrow, taken aback by his candour.

  ‘… in a heated game of Scrabble.’

  She burst out laughing. ‘What an offer!’ she chuckled. ‘What an incredibly audacious offer! Is this how you seduced Veronica back in the day?’

  ‘I’m only half kidding,’ he said. ‘Obviously I don’t play Scrabble on the first date.’

  ‘And there it is,’ Penny said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘The d-word.’

  ‘Do you object to my offer?’ he asked. ‘I just wanted to put it out there because I don’t want there to be any confusion. I like to shoot straight. Best way.’

  Penny pulled her hat down further over her ears and glanced out to the view, as if that would have her answer. She’d not really thought about dating – Havingley had evoked a lot of emotions in her, but aside from the odd self-partnered session, her sexuality had definitely been lying dormant. Really, she’d thought of this year as something she just had to survive. Thriving hadn’t occurred to her. But, she didn’t see why she couldn’t date. Didn’t she deserve a bit of flirting? Plus Thomas was away a lot, he’d said. He was basically asking her if she’d consider a fling, which fit in with her own Havingley aims and objectives, really: low-commitment, make the most of it, don’t get too attached.

  ‘Go on then,’ she said, deciding in the moment that she was open to being flung. ‘Since it’s nearly Christmas.’

  ‘Cool,’ Thomas replied. ‘Well. Put your number in here,’ he said, handing her his phone, ‘and I’ll call you later.’

  ‘Okay,’ Penny said, pleased, and she didn’t so much walk home as float. It felt good to have a date. To have something else to daydream about beyond till systems and food orders and that prick.

  I might even wage war with this hair growing down my thighs, she mused.

  A date!

  When she got back to the pub she said to Charlie, ‘That guy from school – the one with the Gucci joggers who had that loud lunch – do you remember?’

  ‘Thomas Eddlington. The one you called a playboy?’ Charlie said.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Uh-huh.’

  ‘I just saw him, and he asked me out.’

  ‘What?! You went out for air and came back with a boyfriend? Go, you!’

  ‘Do you think he’s a playboy?’

  Charlie shrugged. ‘Maybe he’s a playboy with hidden depths,’ they said, to which they both burst out laughing. Funnily enough, though, his being a playboy felt like a perfect fling-worthy fit.

  ‘I suppose I’ll find out.’

  ‘Well, be sure to report back,’ Charlie sniggered, before shaking their head and saying, ‘Thomas Eddlington. Okay, then …’

  Penny shrugged. ‘Nobody is more surprised than me,’ she said, and then, ‘Oh crap – the staff meeting. Can you find me a chair to stand on?’

  ‘And I just want to say,’ Penny intoned to her staff, ‘that I am beyond thrilled with how these past six months have run. Teething problems aside,’ she paused here, letting everyone know that they could issue a giggle, ‘we’re now having more good days than bad ones,’ – more giggles – ‘And I just wanted to get everyone in the same place to say we will, of course, be celebrating with a very big pre-Christmas party …’ she paused again, to allow for the small cheer, ‘… And I look forward to sharing with you our Continuing Training programmes. It is my commitment to you that this is more than just a job that you clock in and out of. We’re a family here, and look after each other. My pledge is that I will invest in skills that are useful at The Red Panda, and also in real life, or any other job you might go on to have. I use the skills and knowledge from the kitchens I’ve worked in over the years every single day, and my most sincere wish is that what you learn here – as well as what you contribute – will be something you look back on for the rest of your lives as being a formative, important part of who you are, no matter what stage of your catering and hospitality career you’re at. If that doesn’t sound too intense, ha. Anyway. Cheers, one and all!’

  ‘You said all that?’ Thomas would later ask on the phone as they whispered to each other before bed. He’d called her when she was still in the dinner shift, and followed through on his promise to call her later, then, when she was done. Penny wondered if this is what she’d misunderstood in all the years of dating: men who aren’t really that bothered text, men who actually want you, call. A simple way to establish who was wheat and who was chaff.

  ‘Something like that, yes,’ Penny said. ‘And the cringiest thing is – I meant it. I’m really proud of it all.’

  ‘Bib Gourmand proud …?’ He was referring to the Michelin Guide award – an award not as prestigious as a Michelin star, but still a nod to consumers in an annual guide of noteworthy places for good food. Penny knew of customers who used it as their bible. If a place wasn’t featured, they didn’t risk eating there.

  ‘Who sent you?’ Penny laughed. ‘Did Uncle David put you up to this? He always thought if I came on board that we could chase the Bib.’

  ‘I’ve been around enough to know that a country pub like The Red Panda should be striving for certain things. Did I guess right?’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ said Penny. ‘Maybe. Probably. I don’t know. Why does everyone always expect bigger and better and more? What’s wrong with the way things are?’

  She could hear Thomas smiling down the phone. ‘Well. We can pick this up another time. I can better prepare my argument then. You said you’re off on Monday?’

  ‘That’s the best day, yeah. I don’t like to ask Manuela to cover for me. It feels like an imposition.’

  ‘We can talk about that on Monday too. I’ll look forward to it.’

  ‘Same,’ said Penny, realizing she really meant it.

  She suddenly thought of that prick. She’d been furious at him for so long but, almost in an instant, she wasn’t mad anymore. What Charlie said had helped. It’s not that she thought she was going to marry Thomas and live happily ever after – for one thing, she would never marry a man who wore silk Gucci jogging bottoms – but in making a friend from outside the pub, and knowing how happy her team were about the Christmas party, and that she’d see her sister soon – she felt lighter. Not happy, exactly, but like she had everything a bit more under control. She was going to hang out with a cute guy and it’s not like she and that prick had been girlfriend or boyfriend or anything. Maybe she’d overreacted? Or at the very least reacted exactly right and now wa
s simply over it? That could happen, couldn’t it – that’s how anger worked. You could be mad for ages and then one day, the thing you were mad about just doesn’t make you feel mad anymore.

  And anyway, it remained exactly as she’d always said: she lived here and he lived there, and he’d probably already be seeing somebody else – maybe the woman he’d been snogging – and so, whatever. If he’d been into Bridges to ask her to get in touch, she’d get in touch. She’d punished him enough. She was moving on. It was time.

  She texted him: Long time no speak. And then she put her phone in a drawer.

  12

  ‘I can’t believe you’ve convinced me to do this,’ Penny panted, halfway up a small hill just off the A6 outside of Bakewell.

  ‘Yes you can,’ Thomas bellowed from up ahead. ‘Of course you can! I’m the man who can!’

  Penny stopped walking. ‘I’m the chick who can’t.’

  ‘No!’ pleaded Thomas. ‘Don’t stop! Just get at least two thirds of the way up, then I have a surprise for you.’

  The pair of them were fifteen minutes into a four-hour hike through the Peak District, Thomas’s ‘Favourite Ever Walk.’ He’d told her the day before, as they’d arranged it, ‘It’s the walk I do every time I come back off tour. It tells my brain: okay, work over, relax time now. It’s my reset button.’

  ‘How many women have you roped into helping you press your reset button?’ Penny had asked provocatively.

  ‘Down girl,’ he’d replied, grinning. They’d been like that every time they’d spoken. They both knew what it was all a prelude to.

  Penny squinted in the low autumn light. ‘Urggghhh,’ she said, beginning to walk, very slowly, towards where he stood. He was wearing head-to-toe North Face in an orange camouflage print and his breath made clouds in front of him as he exhaled. ‘Urgh, urgh, urgh! I’ve been tricked! You said this would be fun.’

  ‘Yes! You’re doing it! Good girl! Come on!’

  ‘Oh wow,’ said Penny. ‘Okay, dude, let me just fill you in: one, I’m not a girl, I am a woman. I wouldn’t call you boy, because you’re not nine. Well, physically, anyway. Mentally, the jury is out.’

  ‘Toilet humour is still humour,’ said Thomas, mock-defensively.

  ‘And two,’ she was closer to him now. ‘I am also not a dog. Do not cheer me on like I am a Labrador that just brought you the paper.’

  As she reached him he put out a hand and patted her head. ‘Good girl,’ he said in a silly voice, and Penny rolled her eyes. ‘Now turn around.’

  Penny turned around from the way she’d come, and across the small valley she could see a huge manor house, surrounded by manicured gardens and pathways.

  ‘Oh gosh,’ she said, genuinely impressed. ‘That’s beautiful.’

  ‘It’s Haddon Hall,’ Thomas said. ‘It’s a Tudor hall, but the gardens are Elizabethan. Stunning, huh?’

  ‘I wonder who lives there now,’ Penny admired.

  ‘Oh, actually. I know that.’

  ‘Of course you do,’ Penny said. ‘Of course. By the way, what’s my surprise?’

  Thomas rolled his eyes. ‘This view isn’t surprise enough?’ he asked.

  Penny blinked at him, her face unimpressed.

  ‘Well, not that you are a Labrador bringing me the paper but I have treats, too.’

  He rummaged in his backpack and handed her a bottle of water and opened a cereal bar, taking half and passing her the rest. Penny plopped down onto the cold, dry grass, thankful for the break.

  ‘So who lives there?’ she said, relishing the sweetness of the snack and feeling revived almost instantly.

  ‘The brother of the Duke of Rutland,’ he said, ‘whose daughter I met on a boat in the Greek islands and with whom I may have had a small liaison, resulting in an invitation to spend the weekend there a few years ago. Very cold. Impossible to heat such a big place.’

  ‘I can imagine,’ Penny said. ‘It didn’t work out with the daughter?’

  ‘Well,’ admitted Thomas. ‘I was a bit of a cad. I shagged a producer for some BBC series shooting there. I mean, not the weekend I was a guest – obviously, I’m not a complete arsehole, only a partial arsehole – but yes, she didn’t quite understand that when I said I don’t do monogamy that what I meant was with anybody. Ever. Not even with her. I suppose on some level I thought I’d explained my situation enough, but I knew I hadn’t really.’

  Penny screwed the lid to her water bottle back on and handed it to him. She stood and brushed off her bum. ‘And where do you stand on monogamy now?’ she asked.

  ‘Are you ready to carry on?’ he said, ignoring her question. ‘Because this is nothing compared to the views we’ll get further along.’

  ‘And there’s a pub? With chips and mayonnaise?’

  ‘You don’t eat like a chef, you know.’

  ‘I bloody do. I hardly think cod roe and whipped foam of watercress is going to cut it after a walk like this though, is it? All chefs love pie, and sandwiches, and cake. We muck about enough for our customers.’

  ‘Fair point,’ said Thomas. ‘Well made. Yes, there are chips.’

  ‘Then I am ready,’ Penny declared. ‘Onwards!’

  They climbed over a gate that wouldn’t open properly, walking through several fields where the only sound was of the wind whipping through the trees and their own conversation.

  ‘I just,’ Thomas said, finally addressing the question. ‘I don’t think monogamy is truly very realistic. I mean, for some people, maybe it is. And I respect that. If two people want to commit their lives to each other exclusively, and it makes both of them happy, it’s not my place to judge that. But also, it’s nobody’s place to judge if that isn’t for me.’

  ‘Uh-huh, okay. I get that. Love is an individual choice.’

  ‘Or maybe not even a choice. Maybe I am built to love more than one person.’

  They descended a hill towards a gravel path that wound down into a picturesque village.

  ‘Civilization? Pub?’ Penny said, hopefully.

  Thomas shook his head. ‘We’ve got about the same distance to go again,’ he said. ‘Do you want another snack break?’

  ‘Maybe just some more water?’

  They found part of a dry stone wall to lean against and Thomas rummaged through his backpack again.

  ‘So, lay it all out for me then,’ Penny said. ‘A woman who dates you – what can she expect?’ In another life she would have felt bold asking that, but there was something about the dynamic with Thomas that meant she didn’t feel as shy as normal. It was expiration-dating: it came with an end-point already established, so the rules felt different. She didn’t have to play games when the match was so short.

  Thomas took a long gulp of water and then used the back of his hand to wipe his mouth.

  ‘Charming banter,’ he settled on. ‘Long walks in the country. Snacks. Gig tickets. My sexual prowess. Compliments on how good their arse looks in yoga pants.’ He shifted his gaze to her rear and Penny smirked.

  ‘Sounds very tempting,’ she sniggered.

  ‘Does it, now?’

  ‘And the non-monogamy?’

  ‘Look, I tour for months at a time. I wouldn’t expect anybody I was with to live their life waiting for the moment I walk through the door again because I don’t “come home” as such. I love being out on the road. In so many ways that’s how I feel most at home. The tour bus, the planes, the people. I love the buzz of it all. I love fixing problems and clearing paths and everyone thinks the person on stage is the star but anyone I’ve ever worked with has known they can’t do what they do in front of an audience night after night without what happens behind the scenes. And I am so, so hooked on managing all that. It sounds silly but it makes me feel like a rock star, too, a bit. I just don’t do it in front of stadiums of people.’

  ‘Work is the real love of your life?’

  ‘No. I don’t mean it like that. That would feel like a sad thing to say because work can’t wipe your arse for
you when you’re old, or suck your dick when you’re young.’

  ‘Ah yes, the two hallmarks of everlasting companionship,’ observed Penny. ‘Bodily fluid management.’

  ‘I’m just being realistic. Isn’t that what people want from each other?’

  ‘What, to know they won’t die alone and that there will always be somebody to hump?’

  ‘Basically.’

  Penny considered it. ‘Oh, I don’t know about that. Isn’t it about a witness to your life? Somebody who is on your team, who is there for the big moments, yeah. But a lot of people will be there for those. Holidays and birthdays and babies and illnesses. We’re normally surrounded by people for those things. But I think a partnership is about a witness to everything that happens in between. It’s the smaller moments, isn’t it?’

  Thomas drank from the water bottle as they continued to hike. ‘You’re proving my point,’ he said. ‘I travel so much. Most of the year, in fact. So my person – they deserve other people in their lives to be that witness. And out on the road, so do I.’

  ‘Do you have a woman in every port?’

  ‘Hardly. But I meet new people all the time, and the team is so big, and there’s a freedom in possibility. I think that’s the thing for me – non-monogamy means there’s always possibility around the corner. I like that.’

  ‘And everyone you date knows this?’

  ‘I learned my lesson from the duke’s niece, yes. I don’t think I’ve ever even kissed somebody in the past decade who didn’t know I am ethically non-monogamous.’