The Love Square

by Laura Jane Williams

  Penny wasn’t far off being drunk as the night wore on. She hadn’t lost control of herself by any stretch of the imagination, but she felt loose and free, happy to be amongst these new faces that were strangers at the start of the year and now the people she spent almost every waking minute with.

  ‘I trust you’re having a good night,’ a voice droned behind her, unexpectedly making the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. Priyesh. She turned around. Had he got cuter-er? Or was that the French 75’s she’d been downing? Either way, inexplicably she wasn’t sorry he’d found her.

  ‘Hello, squire,’ she said, not quite sure why she was calling him that, except to sort of take the mickey of his formalness. ‘Are you having an enjoyable evening?’

  ‘Not as enjoyable as I suspect yours is,’ Priyesh replied, acknowledging the empty glass in her hand. ‘But pleasant enough, of course.’

  ‘You don’t like my party?’ Penny asked, in a way that she intended to be sexy and provocative but, well – over the din of her merry staff and the live band, she couldn’t be sure she was succeeding.

  ‘Not at all, your party is most convivial,’ Priyesh replied. ‘Quite like the hostess.’

  ‘I’m not drunk,’ said Penny, defensively.

  ‘You must try harder, then,’ suggested Priyesh, nodding in that formal way he insisted on and walking off towards the loos. ‘I rather thought you’d be a bit more relaxed than you were an hour ago,’ he shouted as his parting shot, over his shoulder.

  Penny stood and watched him go. Had he just been rude to her? She couldn’t tell. What a bastard if he had been, she thought. He was her guest! How dare he! What was it about pompous men that made them bring out the pompousness of everyone they interacted with? She followed him towards the back of the pub.

  ‘Hey!’ she said, as he went through the door into the seldom-used front porch. To the right was a locked front door, and to the left two other doors, the toilets.

  ‘Hello there,’ said Priyesh, cool as a cucumber. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘Of course I’m okay,’ said Penny, primly.

  ‘Well that’s good to hear,’ Priyesh said. ‘Because for a moment there it sounded like you were going to shout at me for something.’ He spoke smoothly, unruffled. Penny found it incredibly irritating.

  ‘Shout at you?’ Penny said. ‘Why would I shout at you?’

  ‘Well,’ Priyesh replied. ‘Exactly. Hence my confusion.’

  He pushed through to go into the loo. Penny opened up the door behind him and followed.

  ‘What’s your problem?’ she asked, peeved. ‘Why are you such a snooty bastard?’

  Priyesh smirked. ‘A snooty bastard? My apologies if I’ve come across that way. I appreciate the feedback.’

  He simpered sarcastically as he said it, as if Penny’s comment didn’t bother him at all and was almost a ridiculous suggestion.

  ‘You come in here with your suit, and your hair, and your face,’ Penny said. ‘Drinking my booze—’

  ‘Well, booze I sold you, technically,’ said Priyesh.

  ‘Oh … shut up,’ Penny said. She stood in the doorway and Priyesh looked as if he was about to say something, thought better of it, and turned around to the urinal. Penny could only assume that he’d unzipped his trousers because in the next second, she could hear a steady stream of liquid hit the plughole.

  ‘Oh, nice,’ she said, bizarrely glued to the spot. ‘Really nice.’

  Priyesh zipped up his trousers, turned to the sink and washed his hands – with soap – and pulled down a paper towel. He gently flung it to the bin, turned to check his hair in the mirror, and walked up to where Penny was frozen in the doorway, in awe at him. The way he moved, the way he looked at her, the way he walked towards her, it was all like he was a big game cat.

  ‘You’ve made an awful lot of assumptions about a man you’ve only met a handful of times,’ he said, standing close.

  ‘Your reputation precedes you,’ Penny said, her breathing uneven. ‘I know all about you.’

  ‘Oh really,’ Priyesh said, brushing her hair from her neck and letting the very tips of his fingers brush against her collarbone.

  Penny swallowed. She couldn’t explain it. This man – he repulsed her, and she wanted him, and she hated herself for wanting him but at the same time life was short and why shouldn’t she do exactly as she pleased? What did it matter?

  She tugged at the top of his trousers, pulling his hips closer to her as she looked up at him, deep into his eyes. Neither of them pulled away.

  ‘Is this okay?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes,’ he replied, holding still.

  She undid the button to his trousers.

  ‘Is this okay?’ she said, searching his eyes again, desperate to see if she could get a reaction from him – any reaction.

  ‘Yes,’ he said again, still composed. Still unflustered.

  Penny reached into his underwear.

  ‘Is this okay?’ she said, and he moaned as she touched him, finally revealing himself to be capable of being unnerved.

  ‘Yes,’ he sighed.

  16

  ‘Oh Sharon,’ Penny said, as she nursed a coffee in the low winter sun, hoping to be brought back to life with vitamin D and caffeine. Her head hurt. Her shoulders ached. Her ego was – well. Not quite bruised, but definitely feeling feelings. Why on earth had she carried on that way with the wine merchant? A drunken bathroom encounter was one thing, but with a man she technically worked with was far beyond the limits she’d ever placed on sex and dating for herself. One doesn’t shit where one eats, as the old proverb goes. ‘Sharon, I totally shat where I eat!’ she cringed down the phone via voice note. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking! Can you call me after drop-off? I need to talk this one out.’

  Sharon FaceTimed at 9:01 exactly, from the nursery gates.

  ‘So who’s this wine supplier, then? You’ve got your knickers in a right twist.’

  ‘Seriously,’ said Penny. ‘It was so stupid of me.’

  ‘Hey – that’s my friend you’re beating up over there!’ Sharon said. ‘Go easy on her.’

  ‘I’m an adult woman who runs two businesses and I had a quickie in a bathroom with a man I should have known better than—’

  ‘Oh come off it,’ Sharon interrupted. ‘That’s the prerogative of an adult woman. You can do whatever you want! Bloody own it, Pen.’

  ‘I feel ashamed.’

  ‘Well you should feel ashamed that you feel ashamed. Come on, it’s a new decade, not the turn of the last century. Send the man a thank you note and move on. Jeez.’

  ‘A thank you note,’ laughed Penny. ‘Sure. Dear Priyesh,’ she said, putting on a funny voice. ‘It was incredibly kind of you to join me in the men’s bathroom at the staff Christmas party, and I found you incredibly obliging as I tossed you off. What larks!’

  ‘Well, I mean, you’re joking but it’s not far off, is it? It’s precisely because you’re a grown-up you need to acknowledge it happened, but doing so doesn’t mean it has to happen again. And I promise you – what you don’t want to do is pray it all goes away and then be caught off guard when he’s at the pub for your next order, or sat at the table next to you when you go out for dinner somewhere with that Thomas bloke. Oh, hold on.’

  Penny felt woozy as she watched the camera on Sharon’s phone move from her face to the sky, which, in several jiggly movements then became a ceiling. Penny could hear voices and then the camera moved again and Sharon stood at the counter of Bridges with Stuart beside her.

  ‘I’m just getting a coffee and look what beautiful specimen is behind the counter,’ Sharon said.

  ‘Hi, gorgeous!’ Stuart waved down the line. ‘We miss you!’

  On screen Sharon turned to Stuart and said, ‘Penny gave her wine merchant a hand job at the staff Christmas party last night, and is now having an existential crisis about it.’

  ‘I don’t miss those,’ he said, and he and Sharon laughed.

  ‘Hello,
this is my life that you’re ripping to shreds and making me feel awful about!’ Penny shrilled. ‘I wanted actual advice, not teasing.’

  ‘Hangover?’ said Stuart.

  ‘Twenty men playing trumpets behind my eyes,’ Penny replied.

  ‘Look,’ said Sharon. ‘Re the wine merchant, if you’re as embarrassed as you say you are, the cleverest thing to do is take control of the situation. Then you can mark it off as “resolved” in your imagination and move on to inventing another problem because you’re bored.’

  ‘I’m not bored.’

  Stuart started to steam milk and Sharon told him off for the noise, stepping away so she could be heard. ‘You are, Penny. It’s okay. You’re a long way from home and being wined and dined is a good way to distract yourself. There are worse things you could do. I approve of it, in fact.’

  ‘Okay Freud, that’s enough,’ said Penny. ‘Thanks for the analysis.’

  ‘I love you,’ Sharon said. ‘I really will come up and visit in the new year. It’s just been a nightmare with the kids, and work, and Luke’s mum not being well. But I am coming. Promise.’

  ‘It’s okay,’ replied Penny. ‘I’ve spent all this time getting settled. In the new year is perfect. It will give me something to look forward to.’

  ‘Excellent,’ said Sharon. ‘Okay. Go post a note through that man’s door!’

  ‘Enjoy your day,’ Penny giggled, rolling her eyes.

  ‘Bye, Penny!’ Stuart waved, and as soon as she hung up, a voice came from behind her, ‘She’s right you know.’

  Penny spun around to see Charlie leaning in the doorway. ‘Jesus!’ she said. ‘How long have you been stood there?’

  ‘Ages,’ said Charlie. ‘I kept waiting for you to notice, and then when you didn’t it seemed weird to skulk off so I stayed.’

  ‘Right. So you heard—’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘And so you know—’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘Right.’ Penny stood. ‘Ouch,’ she said, the sudden movement causing a nausea to run over her. ‘My head.’

  ‘Never mind your head – how’s your wrist?’ Charlie quipped, and Penny laughed in spite of herself.

  ‘Oh bugger off,’ she said.

  ‘Sharon is right, you know. You can’t just ignore it and hope you never see him again. You can regret it, but you can’t be a dick about it.’

  Penny nodded. ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘Urgh. I hate having to have manners!’

  Penny went through to the office and pulled out some headed notecards Clementine had gifted her two birthdays ago. With a patterned border of pink and red swirls, at the top it simply said, from the desk of Penny Bridge. She’d sent three of these since she got them, not really ever having occasion to send anything ‘from her desk’, but she realized that the cards were almost explicitly designed for this exact purpose – to politely recognize an event without dragging it out any further, and to a man exactly like Priyesh who most likely had his own embossed stationery that he used daily or weekly, not bi-annually.

  Penny sat with the cap of the pen in her mouth, thinking about what to say. Charlie appeared at the door again.

  ‘For crying out loud,’ said Penny. ‘Are you just going to follow me around from doorframe to doorframe? What are you even doing here – we’re closed today.’

  ‘Well,’ said Charlie, ‘I left my phone here last night. But then as a bonus I didn’t expect to find you all discombobulated and so I’m staying because this is quite entertaining.’

  ‘What should I put in the note?’ Penny said. ‘If you’re going to make fun of me, at least be helpful as you do it.’

  Charlie rested their head against the frame and thought about it. ‘Say,’ they considered, ‘that you were so pleased he could make it, and you look forward to continuing to work together in the new year.’

  ‘I can’t put a reference to a continued relationship,’ said Penny. ‘That makes it sound like I’m inviting him to pursue something.’

  ‘Just say, I’m so pleased you could come at my party. I mean, to my party.’

  ‘Ha, ha. Thank you.’ Penny rolled her eyes. She thought about it some more and wrote:

  Dear Priyesh,

  It was wonderful to see you at the Christmas party this week. Forgive my over-familiarity – call it the festive spirits, aka gin, vermouth and a tequila shot. I trust our working relationship will overcome any unduly forward interactions.

  Happy holidays,

  Penny.

  Penny slipped it into an envelope, wrote his name across the front and said to Charlie, ‘Can you drop this by his house on the way home? Me and my hangover can’t quite face it.’

  ‘Sure,’ they replied. ‘Fix me a coffee first, though.’

  Penny’s phone vibrated. Morning sunshine, a text from Thomas said. Just wanted to say you’re on my mind. Hope that’s okay. Have a good day!

  Penny texted back, Hey! I hope tour is fun! I think about you too. Xxx

  Her phone buzzed again. Do you need anything bringing up from the big city to the country hills? it said. I can get you anything you might be missing. Francesco.

  There suddenly seemed to be more men than she could willingly handle.

  ‘This is not a drill. Your man Priyesh is in the bar,’ Charlie said over the food pass in the kitchen a few days later. ‘And he comes bearing flowers.’

  ‘What?’ said Penny, using a cloth to wipe up sauce from the rim of one of the plates she was dishing up.

  Charlie gestured through the door to the bar. ‘He’s right there.’

  Penny followed their finger to see him smoothing down his hair nervously.

  ‘Get him a drink,’ she said. ‘And tell him I won’t be long.’ Who the hell shows up halfway through service? she thought, not realizing that it was 2 p.m. and service was now officially over. No more new orders would come through.

  Penny took her time sending out the last plates and clearing down her section. She tried to tell herself that she didn’t know why he was there, but of course she did really: her note. And why had she sent the note? Oh god, if she was truly honest with herself she’d done it for the attention, mostly. Thomas was gone and there was a part of her that worried she’d actually have to focus on herself and her life and her wants and needs, and how she really felt about being at the pub, if she had to go to bed alone. Not to mention stemming any feelings for Francesco, who was a total no-go zone. Priyesh was smart and confident and she’d gotten a thrill from it. She’d gotten a thrill from making a man who was outwardly so sure of himself, putty in her hands. She wasn’t proud of it, but that was about the lay of the land. She’d assumed Thomas was a playboy and he’d revealed himself to have hidden depths and true character, but Penny had swindled Priyesh by play-acting as a woman with hidden depth and true character when in actual fact what they’d done together in the bathroom at the party was nothing short of playboy behaviour on her part. Could she blame the booze? Maybe she could have if she hadn’t sent the note. She was going to kill Sharon and Charlie for making that seem like a good idea when she was in the compromised state of morning-after-the-night-before. It was cruel, what she’d done, and now he was here, at the pub, and she’d have to face up to her cruelty by telling him he’d misread the situation because she had deliberately distorted it.

  Come on now, she coached herself. Put your big girl pants on. She wiped her hands on a towel and threw it into the laundry basket, taking a breath as she pushed through the door to the bar.

  ‘Hello there,’ she said, fixing her face into a bright smile. ‘What’s a nice guy like you doing in a place like this?’

  Priyesh smiled. ‘Penny,’ he said, taking her in. ‘Am I inconveniencing you? About this time was often when David said to stop by.’

  ‘Service has just finished. I don’t have long but no, of course it’s fine. Sorry to have kept you waiting.’

  It was like a competition to see who could be the most polite. Penny tried not to notice his suit, his shoes,
that bloody face, and in trying not to notice the details of him she had a vivid, pornographic flash back to the way he sounded in her ear when she’d had her hand in his trousers.

  Oh god, she thought. Oh god, oh god, oh god.

  ‘These are for you,’ Priyesh said, after what felt like an eternity. He handed over the bouquet of fern, eucalyptus, and a towering head of something exquisite and purple. ‘I described you to the florist, and this is what she made.’

  Penny took the flowers and made a show of her admiration, a small private performance to demonstrate her gratitude. They really were beautiful. It made her wonder what words he’d used to describe her, but she couldn’t bring herself to ask. She put them on the bar. ‘They’re gorgeous,’ she said. ‘You really didn’t have to.’

  ‘I wanted to,’ Priyesh said. ‘I learned from my marriage ending that it never hurts to be demonstrable about one’s feelings whilst one can. I’m a proud man, but I’m learning not to be so proud as to withhold telling people when I haven’t stopped thinking about them.’ He took a breath and smiled. ‘And, well, my point is, I’ve not stopped thinking about you.’

  Penny was genuinely touched by his admission. ‘I didn’t know you’d been married …’ she said. ‘Or that you weren’t anymore. That sounds very painful.’

  He smiled. ‘It was,’ he said. ‘Although neither of us classes it as a failure, I must say. We were very successful at being married until we weren’t. Twenty-one years together is nothing to sniff at.’

  ‘Absolutely,’ Penny agreed. ‘It’s really nice to hear a man speak so kindly about his ex-wife.’

  ‘Although I fear,’ Priyesh smiled, ‘that perhaps I shouldn’t pay too much lip service to the past when I am here to place a bet on my future. I merely mean to underline that I am here in earnest.’

  Penny could tell by how rigid Charlie was near the glasswasher that they were listening to every word of the exchange. Their back was straight as a board, as if even breathing might impinge on their eavesdropping capabilities.

  ‘Oh,’ said Penny, surprised. ‘What a disarming thing to say,’ she blurted. ‘I’m … touched.’