The Love Square

by Laura Jane Williams

  ‘Got it,’ said Clementine.

  Penny read the posters on the wall as her sister changed. ‘Are you nervous?’ she asked. ‘Can I do anything?’

  ‘Nope,’ said Clementine. ‘Honestly, I feel super calm. Are you okay?’

  ‘I’m okay,’ said Penny. ‘I think.’

  There was a light knock on the door. ‘Can I come in?’ the doctor said.

  ‘Yes!’ the two women harmonized.

  ‘Okay Clementine, if you could bring your bum down even more please …’

  Clementine moved down the chair.

  ‘I’m now going to place the catheter through your cervix and into your uterus, which might feel slightly uncomfortable but should be pain-free, okay?’

  ‘Okay.’

  My eggs could take and make a baby, Penny thought to herself. Any minute now I might be making a baby.

  ‘And that’s everything!’ the doctor said, almost right away. ‘Just sit here for a few minutes, and then you can get changed. And listen: try not to read anything into any changes you think you can feel, your breasts or gas or anything. It could all just be a side effect of the hormones, and as such it is imperative that you do not take a test at home. It’s possible to get a false positive, and when emotions are this fraught it’s better to leave it to us, okay? No matter how much you convince yourself you are pregnant. Come back for your blood tests in a couple of weeks – the nurse will let you know when.’

  The two women nodded. That was it.

  ‘I am quite in awe of how she suggested we might relax, now,’ Penny said, as the pair left the clinic. ‘Like this isn’t potentially the biggest thing that has ever happened.’

  ‘Well, I know I should be nervous and everything but to be honest,’ Clementine replied, ‘right now I am simply starving. Do you want to go get some food?’

  Penny nodded. ‘Yes. Absolutely. I would say let’s go and raise a glass of champagne to this, except, well, obviously we can’t do that. You know, just in case …’

  Clementine smiled. ‘Come on, I’ll treat us to Berner’s Tavern.’

  ‘No, no, no!’ Penny said. ‘Obviously lunch is my treat!’ She looped her arm through Clementine’s. ‘This way,’ she guided her sister. ‘I know a shortcut.’

  The pair turned the corner onto a quiet, mews-like alleyway, and directly in front of them stood a tall, olive-skinned man.

  ‘He looks like …’ Clementine started to say.

  ‘Hello, Francesco,’ Penny interrupted.

  They’d seen him before he’d seen them, and the shock registered on his face as it went totally devoid of colour.

  ‘Penny,’ he said.

  Clementine looked from Penny to Francesco.

  ‘I thought you were in Italy?’ Penny asked.

  ‘I was,’ he said. He didn’t offer anything beyond that. It was like he didn’t want to talk, but he didn’t move to walk away either. He looked, quite frankly, stunned.

  ‘Are you here for a holiday, or …?’

  ‘I had a job interview. I miss London.’

  ‘I know what that’s like,’ Penny said, trying to make him smile. ‘I’m coming back here too, actually. Uncle David is selling the pub.’

  ‘Oh,’ he replied – still almost totally impassive. ‘Well. You must be very happy,’ Francesco added. ‘You wanted that.’

  You could cut the tension with a knife.

  ‘Francesco—’ Penny started to say.

  He held up a hand. ‘Please don’t,’ he said. ‘I’m only just getting back on track again. Just – don’t, okay?’

  Penny nodded, biting her lip.

  ‘I have to go. See you. Bye, Clementine.’

  Clementine whispered a small, ‘Bye, Francesco,’ and he continued in the direction he’d been walking before they’d seen him. They stood for a moment, processing what had just happened.

  ‘You know what?’ said Clementine. ‘How about Deliveroo at mine? I think I’d prefer to be at home.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Penny. ‘Fine.’ She turned to watch where he’d walked. ‘Gah!’ she said.

  ‘Yeah,’ Clementine agreed.

  At home, the sisters lay on Penny’s bed in Clementine’s guest room, their feet in the air against the wall and pillows under their heads.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Clementine said.

  ‘Me?’ said Penny. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘Mate, I’m peachy,’ said Clementine, ever the chilled sister. She rubbed her belly. ‘Come on, tummy!’ she said to it. ‘Make a baby!’

  Penny leaned across. ‘May I?’ she said, asking permission to touch her sister.

  ‘My body is your body,’ said Clementine. ‘Course you can.’

  ‘Come on, tummy!’ Penny said. ‘Make a baby!’

  The two lay there.

  ‘Do you think we should say a prayer or something?’ Clementine said.

  ‘What, to like, god?’

  ‘Or whatever. Whoever.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Penny, thinking about it. ‘Like, we can put some vibes out there, can’t we? Some good vibes?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Clementine. ‘Here, hold my hand.’

  Penny rested her arm down by her side and Clementine laced her fingers around her sister’s. ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Dear … whoever, or whatever, can hear us.’

  ‘Mum,’ said Penny, simply.

  Clementine turned her head to look at her sister, who looked right back at her.

  ‘Mum can hear us,’ Penny said, and Clementine squeezed her hand twice, a little double pump.

  ‘Mum,’ said Clementine, her gaze drifting back to the ceiling. ‘You’re here with us, now. We can feel it.’

  ‘We’ve felt it all day,’ said Penny.

  ‘And we love you – we’ll never stop loving you, and we know that you’re beside us every single day, and every single day we say a prayer for you and hope we’re making you proud. If we could, though, ask just one small favour from you – you know, if you don’t mind … We wondered if you could make sure Penny’s baby grows in my tummy, nice and big and strong and healthy.’

  ‘Any help you can lend to that would be really cool of you,’ said Penny, trying to keep the mood light.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Clementine, starting to cry. ‘It’d be a real baller move to keep the old bloodline going.’

  ‘You’d be the MVP.’

  ‘The VIP.’

  ‘Mammy Big Balls.’

  ‘Thanks, mum,’ Clementine said.

  ‘We miss you,’ Penny said.

  ‘I really do feel her, you know,’ said Clementine, turning to her sister again. ‘She’s here with us. I feel all protected and okay.’

  ‘Me too,’ said Penny. ‘I feel protected and okay because you’re here, as well. Thank you will never be big enough for all this.’

  ‘Hush,’ said Clementine. ‘You don’t have to keep saying it for me to know.’

  Penny’s phone buzzed. She reached for it absentmindedly with her free hand, the other one clutched to her sister.

  ‘It’s Francesco,’ she said, sitting bolt upright. ‘Ohmygod. Should I answer it?’

  From where she was lying Clementine said, ‘Of course you should answer it. Take a breath first though. You’re okay, okay?’

  ‘Okay.’

  She slid the bar across the screen to answer it.

  ‘Hello?’ she asked.

  ‘Hi,’ Francesco said. ‘I didn’t know if you’d pick up.’

  ‘Of course I’d pick up,’ Penny replied.

  ‘Okay,’ Francesco said. She could hear him breathing down the phone like he was out of breath, somehow, like maybe he’d just run up some stairs or for a bus.

  ‘Did you hear about the job?’ Penny said.

  ‘Not yet. Maybe tomorrow,’ Francesco replied. ‘Listen. I kind of can’t believe I saw you earlier. I’m glad I did.’

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘It reminded me of how we bumped into each other at Dofi’s restaurant opening that night. How it was a second chance.’<
br />
  Penny held her breath.

  ‘I shouldn’t have said what I did to you, Penny. When I left. It was really awful of me. I was just so …’

  ‘It’s okay,’ interrupted Penny. ‘I hardly behaved in a way that my mother would have been proud of.’

  Another beat.

  ‘I’d like to see you,’ he said. ‘Do you think … that’s possible?’

  Penny looked at her sister, who had leaned in close to try and hear what Francesco was saying. Clementine nodded, furiously, as if to say, yesyesyes – say yes! But Penny couldn’t imagine what they might say to each other. Unless she did it – unless she told him how she felt. But her sister could literally be pregnant with her baby, and so what good would that do, now? She’d declare her love for him whilst also telling him she was potentially having a kid? It was hardly a seductive offer, was it? She’d already picked her path.

  ‘Okay,’ she said, in a small voice. ‘If you like. But can I tell you something first?’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Clementine had IVF today. With my embryo. As my surrogate.’

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Penny could feel her sister’s eyes on her. ‘I just wanted you to know,’ she said. ‘I know it’s weird.’

  ‘Okay. Thank you.’

  ‘Let me know when you’d like to meet up,’ she said, implying that if he didn’t want to now she was going ahead with the surrogacy, this was his get-out-of-jail card.

  ‘Are you in London for long?’

  ‘For two days now, and then I’m back again next week for two more days. By May I’ll be back here full time, I hope.’

  ‘Tomorrow then?’

  Penny inhaled sharply. ‘Yes. Okay. Tomorrow.’

  ‘Let me think of a place and I’ll text you,’ he said, before hanging up the phone.

  Penny didn’t sleep. Clementine could be pregnant. She was meeting Francesco for breakfast. Her uncle was at the pub with Eric, conducting the last parts of the paperwork for a potential sale that meant she stood to get a cash injection of almost thirty thousand pounds – enough for more or less two years’ maternity leave when the time came. She was due to return properly to Bridges in a month, and had ideas about new dishes for the summer menu. It would be so wonderful to go back to working only days.

  ‘You awake?’ said Clementine through the crack in the door. Penny was staying over since Stuart was still in her flat. Plus, Penny had wanted to be close to her sister.

  ‘I have been all night,’ Penny said.

  ‘Me too,’ said Clementine. ‘So much is happening.’

  ‘Do you have those undereye patches I can borrow? The ones that will get rid of my bags?’

  Clementine handed over one of the mugs she was carrying and sat on the bed beside her sister. ‘You bet,’ she said. ‘But first: coffee.’

  ‘I like your style,’ said Penny. ‘Thanks.’

  Penny deliberated on what to wear from her suitcase, eventually dipping into Clementine’s wardrobe to steal something she’d bought with her discount from Stella McCartney. She studied her reflection in the mirror: jeans, a short-sleeved sweater, and Veja trainers with her rain mac. It reminded her of her first date with Francesco, which felt like years ago now. She’d fussed at the mirror for a full fifteen minutes to perfect a ‘no make-up’ make-up look so she was fresh-faced without looking like she’d tried. If Francesco was meeting her to say goodbye, she wanted to look dignified and refined as she received it. But if maybe there was one final sliver of a chance that she thought he might take her back, forgive her, she wanted to look elegant, too.

  ‘Good morning,’ she said as he approached. He was in jeans and trainers too, but admittedly looked a little pale. ‘How are you?’

  ‘Tired,’ he smiled. ‘I feel nervous.’

  Penny swallowed. ‘You do?’

  ‘Did you order?’

  ‘No, I was waiting for you.’

  Francesco signalled to a nearby waiter and asked for a cappuccino and sparkling water. ‘What do you want, Penny?’

  ‘The same,’ she said. ‘But with oat milk. Thank you.’ She turned back to him. ‘Why do you feel nervous?’

  He looked at her. ‘Because I don’t know what I’m doing.’ He continued: ‘I’m pleased I saw you yesterday. But, you know, I was embarrassed, too.’

  ‘Embarrassed?’

  ‘I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. I’ve been so mad at myself. It wasn’t right.’

  Penny shrugged lightly. ‘It’s okay. I think I understand now.’

  ‘What do you think you understand?’

  ‘That we weren’t ever really just friends.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Francesco, and the waiter appeared with their drinks. They watched her unload them onto the table in silence.

  ‘Did it ever mean something to you though?’ he asked, wide-eyed and earnest. ‘You know. You and me.’

  Penny’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Francesco, yes. Of course it did. If I could go back in time I would have asked you to come with me right from the start, even if it was after only three weeks of dating. Or, I should have got out of the car when I saw you with that woman and asked you what the hell was going on, in the moment. Or, I should have asked you afterwards instead of ignoring you and then holding you at arms’ length as I slept with other men and fell in love with you.’

  ‘You fell in love with me?’

  ‘Yes. I see that now. Everything is better when you are there. I know I made no secret of how taxing this past year was but the months when you were there, with me – just being in the kitchen with you after service – it was perfect. I understand the point of everything when you’re around.’

  Francesco looked like he might cry. ‘Urgh!’ he said. ‘You drive me crazy! I have been so, so mad at you!’

  ‘I didn’t know how to fix it. I felt like I deserved being ignored, because that’s exactly what I’d done to you.’

  ‘So what do you suggest now?’ He was sort of laughing and crying, and Penny wanted to get up and kiss him. Instead she reached out across the table.

  ‘I want to commit to you,’ Penny said. ‘This is messy and weird and god, we’ve already started the IVF, so that’s a whole other thing to discuss. But I want you. I do. And I promise I will show up to that commitment every single day. I won’t run away, or try to hide, or push you away. I promise to let you see me, even when it hurts to be seen. I will be your partner, and eat whatever you make, and I will continue to fall in friendship with you, whilst also being madly, and truly, head-over-heels in love.’

  Francesco stood and came to her side of the table, slipping onto the bench beside her.

  ‘I promise all of that too,’ he said, leaning in for a kiss. ‘Penny, I love you.’

  Penny pulled away and put a finger to his lips. ‘Just, one teeny tiny thing,’ she said.

  Francesco sighed playfully. ‘Are you joking?’ he laughed.

  ‘The IVF.’

  ‘I think it’s great,’ he said. ‘We can totally figure that out.’ He leaned his forehead against Penny’s.

  ‘I’m not asking you to be a father,’ Penny said, softly. ‘That would be … weird.’

  ‘It would,’ Francesco said. ‘But I can commit to you as a mother. It’s unconventional, but so is everything about you …’

  ‘This is the first thing I have done for myself – properly for me, knowing in my gut that it is right – and so, you know. Potentially – hopefully! – it won’t just be me soon …’

  ‘I get it,’ said Francesco. ‘I understand. I know what I’m letting myself in for.’

  ‘It’s not a deal-breaker?’

  He looked up to the sky, frustrated that he hadn’t snogged her face off yet and said, ‘No. I know you’ve wanted motherhood for a very long time, and it was basically the plan right before you met me, and then this whole past year took you so off-course, and I disappeared … The last thing I want to do is to pull you off course again. I won’t. If it’s you and a baby then it�
��s you and a baby. I can be Uncle Francesco.’

  Penny laughed. ‘Maybe not uncle.’

  Francesco brushed her hair from her face and behind her ear and lowered his voice to say, ‘Penelope Hermione Bridge, you are the least traditional woman I have ever met and we can make up our own rules. Together. Okay? We can defy convention together.’

  ‘I love you,’ Penny said.

  ‘Then let me bloody kiss you,’ Francesco whispered.

  26

  Two weeks later Penny waited in the consultancy room of the fancy Harley Street clinic with her sister.

  ‘I can’t believe there might be a baby in here,’ Clementine said.

  ‘Don’t,’ Penny said, whispering. ‘It probably won’t happen first time. Let’s not get excited. Just – go steady.’ Penny surprised herself at being the level-headed one in the situation. Normally it was Clementine who kept everyone calm.

  Penny had no idea what the doctor was going to say. Clementine had been excitable for the past two weeks, even though she’d tried to hide it.

  Penny’s phone vibrated in her bag. Out of habit she reached for it – it hadn’t even crossed her mind that now was the time for it to be on silent.

  ‘FRANCESCO,’ it said.

  ‘Are you doing it?’ he said, as soon as she’d answered. ‘What’s happening?’

  He’d asked if Penny wanted him there, but she hadn’t. This was for her and her sister. They’d entered into this together, and Penny wanted the appointments to be made up of just them, too.

  ‘We’re just waiting for the doctor to come back into the room,’ she said.

  ‘Put me on speaker!’

  ‘Okay. But don’t say anything.’

  ‘I promise,’ he replied.

  The doctor returned and sat in the chair opposite them. Penny’s phone with Francesco on the line was resting face-up on the desk between the sisters and her white coat.

  ‘Well,’ she said. ‘I am very pleased to tell you that you are pregnant, Clementine. Penny, you’re going to be a mother.’

  Penny’s mouth fell wide open and Clementine launched herself on her sister.

  ‘I knew it!’ she said. ‘I could just feel it. I knew it!’

  ‘You’re having a baby,’ the doctor said.