by C. Morgan
“The side of your happiness,” she said. “And if Clay is who you want, then I’m all for it.”
“Well, I’m all for a divorce, but he won’t sign the stinking papers, and I certainly didn’t want to ask him to watch Jack for any length of time so soon after taking full custody.”
“How long does a session last?” asked Della. “You won’t be an hour or a little more. Jack will be fine with Clay in that amount of time.”
“A lot can happen in a little time with Clay. And the same goes for Jack. Put those two together, and I’m not sure what’s going to happen to my son.”
“They’ll play and be happy. Plain and simple. He needs time with him, and he’s been asking to see him. It’s perfect.”
“Fine, I’ll ask him. I don’t have a choice. I can’t bring him with me.” I gathered my things together and put up what I’d taken out for Taylor, including his file.
“If something changes, I’ll give you a call, but I’m sure it will be fine.” She carried Jack out to the hallway while I turned off the lights and locked up my office.
“It will, Della. And thanks. You do so much for us.”
“I just wish I could help. That man is super fine, and I’d be willing to watch his son if the two of you wanted a little one-on-one time without them.”
“Della. Seriously?”
“It could just be a little romp if you wanted. I’m sure he’s just as sex starved as you are. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
“Yes, but my first and only has been Clay, and I’m not ready for that.” I couldn’t tell if she wanted me to get back with Clay or not. Part of me wondered if she was just ready for me to have a life of my own or at least someone to take the babysitting down to a minimum.
“Hey, a girl can dream. Don’t you ever wonder what it would be like with someone else?”
“Now and then. But what if it’s not as good?”
“Hey, I’m only suggesting, okay? At the end of the day, I only want what’s best for you and Jack.”
I took Jack and walked with Della down the hallway. “What’s best is his father, and I know that. I just don’t want to fight. And I have a feeling this is going to start one, especially if he tells me no. What if he says he can’t?”
“Call him and ask. You might be surprised.”
“Or disappointed.” It would always be one or the other with my husband.
We left the building and went to my car, just like we did every other day she dropped him off with me. “I’ll call you later.”
“Let me know what he says. Maybe we can work something out.” Della was always so willing to help, but then, she was growing closer with Jack too and just wanted us to be happy.
“I will.” I gave her a hug and thanked her again. She said goodbye to Jack, giving him a kiss. He waved bye and then I put him in his seat and got in the car.
On the way down the road, I hit the button on my steering wheel and made a call to Clay. He answered the phone wide awake and seemingly full of enthusiasm to hear from me.
“Hey, Beth. I’m glad you called. I’m so sorry about yesterday. I was acting stupid, and honestly, I was just scared and taking it out on you.”
It was everything I wanted to hear, and despite having my heart broken by him once already, a part of me wanted to rip it out of my chest and hand it to him so he could rip it apart all over again. How stupid was that?
Instead, I thanked him. “That’s really nice of you to say, Clay. I know it was a tough hour, so I suggest we just forgive and forget and move on.”
“I’d like that. I feel like a fool. I’m so worried about him.”
“Well, I actually called to see if you could do me a favor and keep him tomorrow. I have a rare situation that calls me into work, and my usual sitter is busy with her father, so I thought you’d like to see him.”
“Yeah. I would. That sounds perfect. How long?”
“Well, the session is only an hour, Clay, but you could come a bit earlier maybe?” I couldn’t believe I was offering to leave my child with him any longer than necessary, but I guessed I was impressed with his apology and the fact that he’d been awake when I called.
Clay’s tone had perked up. “That would be good. I’ll keep him longer if you have any chores you wanted to do. I’m free all day.”
“I’ll think about that and get back with you, but thanks.” I ended the call and focused on the road, wondering if I was really going to see a different side to Clay after all.
Chapter 13
Clay
Weekends were always so busy in Williston, and by the time I went out for breakfast, it was nearly eleven. I didn’t have anything to do and found myself anticipating Beth’s call. Hopefully, I’d get more than a couple of hours with my boy, and we’d get some quality time in.
It had been so long since I had gotten down on the floor with him, and now that he was crawling, I was sure he was getting to a fun age where he was into everything.
I went through the drive-thru for breakfast and parked near the park across the street from the hotel to eat it.
There was a young family there, a mom, a dad, and two little kids. One was a boy. His hair was blond, and the little girl had red hair, so red the sun seemed to light it on fire. They were laughing and playing, and the parents were smiling too.
“That’s what I want,” I said, taking a bite of my breakfast sandwich. “That’s what I had and lost.” I felt like an idiot for letting it slip away from me but vowed if I could ever get it back, I’d never lose it again.
Beth probably wouldn’t want me back. Hell, she probably wasn’t even going to call me until she had to go to work. She had said we were done enough times for me to lose hope that she’d ever want me back, but even though it was just wishful thinking, I couldn’t help myself.
The dreams I’d had for us were still things I wanted. From the very first day I met her, I imagined myself growing old with her, and hell, I was only a kid at the time. And when I said my wedding vows, I knew I meant them forever, but then, I supposed I was always getting the better end of the deal.
As I ate the last bite of my sandwich, the phone rang. I took it from the console and answered it. “Hey, Beth. I was just thinking about you.” I glanced over at the mother, who was standing across the playground with her son.
She didn’t seem like she was in the mood to talk about it too much. “I thought if that offer to come a little early was still on the table, I might be able to go and get some shopping done. I have to get more food for the week and diapers.”
“Yeah, I’d love that. I’m just finishing up an early lunch. Do you want me to bring you anything?” I figured it was better to call it an early lunch than a late breakfast.
“No, thanks. We’re good. When do you think you’ll be here?”
“I’m on my way if that’s okay. I’m about ten minutes out.” Five actually, but I didn’t want to rush her.
“Sounds good. We’ll see you then.” She ended the call, and I sighed, watching the family in front of me, the mother and father playing like children together, chasing one another around the slide their children were on. And when he caught his wife, he gave her a big kiss, and it was so full of love that I had to look away.
I started the car and hoped I could get that back.
I drove all the way to the house that Beth and I had bought a couple of years back. It was our first home and the place we’d brought our son home from the hospital. We’d also christened every room, one each night the first month we lived there. We didn’t even let the laundry room or the master closet go unclaimed.
I remembered Beth wrapped up in our wedding quilt without a stitch of clothes on underneath. And I knew at the time that I had the prettiest wife in the world, and I felt like I’d won the lottery. Life couldn’t get any better, right? And as long as we were together, we’d conquer the world.
I pulled into the drive and parked beside her car so I didn’t block her in. It was the place I’d always
parked when I lived there. It felt strange to walk up and knock on the door that I’d paid for and not be allowed to walk in as I pleased.
Beth opened the door with a half-hearted smile that tried its best to hide the worry in her eyes. “Hey, come on in. Jack’s asleep in his room, so keep it down. He wakes up in about twenty minutes. Trust me, you don’t want to wake him early.”
She stepped aside, and I walked into our house. It was much cleaner than when I lived with her, and I honestly didn’t know how she managed, other than most of my stuff being put up in the attic and out of her way. Did I really clutter up her life that much?
She continued. “I was just about to make a few bottles for you, just in case, and I thought I could pick out the food he likes. Oh, and I can show you the blanket he likes for naptime. Make sure you change him as soon as possible when he needs it. He gets that little rash so easily, and if you need it, the cream is in his—”
“Diaper bag. I know, Beth. It’s not that long ago that I was here doing all of this, so we’ll be fine.” I followed her to the kitchen, where she was walking circles around me, trying to get things in order.
Anything she thought Jack would need was out on the counter where I could find it, lined up neatly with a little sticky note beside it that told me specific instructions.
“It’s been a while. He’s changed a lot in the last month, Clay.” She raked her hand through her hair and let out a breath as she looked around as if she had forgotten something.
“We’ll be fine. I promise.” I tried giving her a reassuring look, but she wasn’t paying attention, her mind too busy thinking about something else.
She turned to me as if she had just had a thought. “Oh, and I should warn you. He’s on the move now, so if you have to take your eyes off of him, put him in the Pack ‘n Play. He likes to crawl under the coffee table, so if you can’t find him, check there first. And he’s pulling up, but he gets stuck and cries sometimes. So just help him down. He’ll stop.”
“Beth, we’ll manage. I won’t take my eyes off of him.”
She balled her fist and took a deep breath. “I just want to know he’s safe, and if I have to tell you all of this to make me feel better, then just let me say it, okay?”
I realized it was hard for her to trust me. “If you need to say it, that’s fine. I’ll listen. But I’m going to take care of him. I love him. He’s my son, Beth. I’d walk through the fire and give my last breath for him. I think I can keep him alive for a few hours.”
“Don’t say that. No one dies while I’m gone, okay?” I was sure she wouldn’t care if I dropped dead after she got back.
“Beth, it’s okay to be worried, but seriously? You’re going to give me a complex, and frankly, you’re making me nervous.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve just only left him with Della recently, and I know you can handle him, but—”
“But I’m the guy who throws shit when I get angry, right? I get it. I promise not to break anything while you’re gone, especially Jack.” I was trying to lighten the situation and reached out to push her hair back from her face, tucking a loose strand behind her ear. “You look beautiful.”
She searched my eyes a moment before turning around and left the compliment hanging in the wind. “I guess I should get out of here. My appointment should be done by four-thirty, but I’ll call as soon as I get to the resource center just to check in.”
“We’ll be waiting.” I thought I was going to have to take her by the hand and lead her to the car to get her to leave us alone. But then she took another deep breath and headed to Jack’s room just to peek in at him one more time as if it was the last time that she’d ever see him in one piece.
“I’ll call in a bit,” she said when she went to the door with her handbag. “I l—I’ll call you.”
I smiled as she left, wondering if she had just slipped up and almost said I love you. It had been a habit of ours for so long, and with me there, it was possible, but did she mean it? Was there something still in her that wanted me? I had to find out.
I walked to the window and watched her drive away, and then I decided to go up to the attic while Jack was still sleeping and bring down my old keyboard. I had the idea in the night and wondered if he’d like hearing me play. If he could hear me play. With ninety percent in one ear, I knew he would hear it, but I didn’t know how it would sound.
By the time I got back down with it and found something to dust it off with from under the sink, I heard Jack stirring in his bed.
I walked in to see him on his knees, peeking out of the bars of his bed. His smile widened to show me his two little pearly teeth that he had cut on the bottom and the one on the top.
“You’ve got a three-teeth smile, little buddy.” I had missed the one on the top coming in. “How’s Daddy’s boy?” I dusted off my clothes just in case there was a dust bunny hanging on from the attic. Despite how clean and manageable the house was, Beth had not touched my things, which I’d tossed in the attic for storage.
I picked Jack up, and he pointed to the door, opening and closing his hand like he had something to say. I thought about sign language and wondered if he’d have to use it. He made a grunting sound.
“You’re looking for your mama, aren’t you? She’ll be back. You and Daddy are going to spend some time together. No girls allowed.” I kissed his head and then found a diaper, knowing he needed a change right after a nap.
I took him to the changing table and thought back to the night I sat up, putting the thing together. Beth had ordered it, and when it came in along with all of his other furniture, I had been the one to assemble it all. Beth tried her best to help, using her phone to translate the instructions from Chinese to English until she turned the page of the book and found the English ones. We had laughed and laughed, and I had teased her about having a blonde moment that turned into us making love on the floor.
I undid Jack’s diaper only to find it dry. “Oh no, I guess you weren’t wet. I’ll change you anyway. Fresh diapers can’t hurt? Right?”
My phone beeped with a text notification about that time that stole my attention. “One second, buddy.” I kept my hand on his belly to make sure he didn’t roll away as I one-handed the phone and read the message from Beth aloud.
“When he wakes up, give him time to pee, or he’ll pee on you.” It was no sooner than I got the message that I felt a warm stream on my hand and looked down to see that Jack was pissing all over me, him, and the changing table. “Oh no, buddy!” I grabbed the diaper I’d just taken off of him and dropped the phone on the carpet.
“Stop, stop, stop!” I begged him as I placed the diaper over him. But it was too late. “Looks like we made a mess of that.” I should have known not to change him so quickly. What was I thinking?
“Okay, so we have to clean you up, and me too, and then I’ll have to change the cover on this thing.” I looked at the little mattress on top of the changing table and knew there had to be a replacement somewhere.
It only took me half an hour to handle that, and finally, I brought Jack into the kitchen and grabbed his food. There was a note from Beth, along with the food he liked.
“You can eat this?” I said, looking at the chunky veggies. What if he choked? I turned to find something that was a bit more mashed up. I didn’t want him choking on my watch. And Beth’s words about anyone dying while she was gone came back to me.
I played out a horrible scenario in my head and decided to try something else. There were still a few baby foods to choose from. “Do you want chicken and rice or banana pudding? I’d want the banana pudding.”
Jack reached for the chunky veggies, and I decided I’d give it a try. “Okay, if that’s what you want. I hope you know how to use those teeth of yours.”
Maybe the food was softer than I thought. When I opened it, Jack began to get a little fussy waiting on me to feed him.
“Hey, I have to get a spoon, buddy.” I wasn’t moving fast enough apparently. But finally, I got hi
m situated and fed, and then we sat on the couch in front of my keyboard, and I played for him.
I pecked out a few notes, and when I hit one that he could hear, he would smile and giggle and slap at the keys and my hands. “Yeah, you hear that, don’t you?”
It seemed some of the higher notes were his problem, and I decided to play something deep and melodic. He liked it. And then he wanted to play. So, I let him slap at the keys and imagined him growing up and learning to play.
“One day, I’ll teach you to play,” I vowed. “And I’m going to make everything better for all of us. Me and you and mommy, we’ll all be a family again. I promise. I’m going to always do what’s best for you.”
Chapter 14
Beth
After shopping for the few things I needed for the week and putting the cold things in the fridge in my office for safe storage, I met with Taylor.
Our session had gone well until the end when he was starting to grow impatient. “I’m doing it right, aren’t I? Why can’t I skip this?”
“It’s good to stay on course, and it’s best not to skip ahead. Even making the other sounds will help you with your other ones. Trust me.”
“I’m sorry you had to come in on your day off.”
“Hey, it’s no trouble. As long as you’re getting the most out of it, I’m happy to do it.”
“My mom came by. I had to go see my uncle, who is in town. He’s a soldier.”
“Well, I’m sure that was very important to her. And it’s good to see family when you can.”
“Yeah, but I don’t see my mom so much. Dad doesn’t let me unless it’s for a party or something. I miss us being a family.” The look on his little face was heartbreaking.
At that moment, all I could think about was Jack and what he would think about his father not being around. Would he blame me? I wondered what they were getting into back at the house and was relieved to hear them doing well on my last check-in. I had called twice already and texted three times. Clay was probably wishing he hadn’t agreed.
