by Kat Mizera
“You’re a dick, you know that?” Jake said once they were alone.
“I know. Believe me, no one knows how much of a dick I am more than me.” Aaron motioned for another drink.
The next morning was rough, but he was up and ready for practice early. He hadn’t slept for shit, his head was pounding, and he probably would hurl after practice, but he’d be damned if he was even five seconds late getting downstairs to breakfast. Coach was looking for a reason to call him out over something and he wouldn’t give it to him. Even if it killed him. Sara had to be getting restless, wondering why he was being such a jerk, and her deadline for the program in Minnesota was coming up quickly.
She couldn’t stay in Anchorage after all this, no matter how close she was to Dani, and the logical place for her to go was Minneapolis. Hopefully, to start that special program. It was the right thing to do, no matter how much he hated hurting her. He loved her enough to take the heat so she could follow her dreams. He’d deal with the fallout, and his own broken heart, later.
Sara cried for the first time that night, after Niko was in bed. After more silence from Aaron, she’d finally moved all her things out of Aaron’s apartment and the new house. Once she’d settled Merlin in Dani’s kitchen, she finally allow herself to cry. Aaron’s abrupt about-face had blindsided her and it hurt like hell, but she was angry now too. She cried for him, for herself, and for them, and then she blew her nose and had a couple shots of tequila. She didn’t know what had happened to turn him back into asshole Aaron, but he wouldn’t get the best of her. She just had to figure out what to do next.
She allowed herself one night to feel sorry for herself, but by morning she’d already started formulating a plan. She opened her laptop, pulled up her email and looked for Dean Winters’ name, taking her time to think about what to say. She typed out a note, explaining her change in plans, and stared at it for a while, letting it sink in. She hesitated a few seconds before hitting Send and then closed her laptop. Tomorrow, she would talk to Amy about helping Dani and Sergei until they could find someone else to take care of Niko. She’d have to call her parents about moving home, but her mother would be okay with it. She didn’t know what her father would say but she didn’t have time to worry about him. At least she had a plan, even though she wasn’t nearly as excited about it as she would’ve been a few months ago. She just had to keep moving and doing her thing, because if she stopped long enough to think, she might curl up in a ball and never get up.
32
Aaron got home from the road trip late. The flights were delayed because of weather and he was dead on his feet. He hadn’t slept for shit on the road, his mind and heart at war, battling something to which there was no solution. Keeping Sara in his life meant she would give up her dreams; letting her go meant he would lose the woman he loved. He’d thought he was strong enough to handle it, but he wasn’t. At least, not so far. He’d been going through the motions, but he felt like hell, looked like hell, and was playing like hell. Something had to give soon but maybe a good night’s sleep in his own bed would help.
He unlocked the door and immediately knew something was different. There was no night-light on for Merlin in the kitchen. The living room was empty except for a handful of boxes, and with a sinking heart, he realized his bed had probably already been taken by the movers. Shit.
He set his bag on the ground and took off his coat just as he saw a shadow move in the hallway. His heart skipped a beat until he realized who it was. He straightened up and looked at her in the semidarkness.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“You owe me an explanation.” She looked as tired as he felt and guilt rushed through him.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. That’s why I thought it was better if we did it in writing. Talking is just going to wear us both out and I don’t have an explanation that’s going to satisfy you.”
“But we were happy until Christmas Eve. That’s when you changed. What happened?”
He ran a hand through his unruly hair, thinking he needed a trim, and just sighed. “I got overwhelmed. I’ve done this once before and it went really bad. It also cost me a fortune when she went to jail because I needed to get out of the house, the marriage, all of it. It was dumb on my part and I’m getting older now. I can’t play forever, so I have to think about money.”
“You make five million a year,” she said quietly. “You’ve been living in a shithole apartment where the rent is literally nothing for a guy like you, for the last two years. You don’t have any debt. I happen to know your retirement account is well into the millions. You don’t have money issues. So cut the bullshit and tell me the truth.”
“I did!” He was tired and frustrated and didn’t want to do this. Damn her for being a grown-up about this. If she would just have a meltdown, they could fight and be done. He couldn’t get her out of here if they didn’t fight, dammit.
“Don’t fucking lie to me!” She was getting mad.
Thank god.
“I’m not. Okay, money isn’t the biggest thing, but I don’t know how many years I’ve got left making the money I am and you made me buy that expensive-ass house and—”
“I made you buy it?” she interrupted furiously, walking up to him and getting right in his face. “What the fuck are you talking about, Ferrar? You started the living-together conversation. You decided we needed a house; I only suggested which neighborhood because of Niko. Don’t you dare put it all on me.”
“The house, the appliances, the new carpets!” He threw up his hands. “It was all for you. I don’t give a shit about that stuff.”
“Neither do I!” She was breathing hard and they glared at each other.
“Look, it’s simpler than all that. You want an explanation? I don’t want to play house or be in a serious relationship. That’s it. I just don’t want to. I don’t owe you anything beyond that.”
The hurt on her face just about tore out his soul, but he stood firm, hoping to hell he was a better actor than he thought he was. If she saw any vulnerability in him at all, it would be over.
“Just answer me one question.”
“What?”
“Did you ever love me?”
He swallowed.
Fuck.
He wouldn’t have a soul left when this was over, because she was about to take it with her when she stomped out of his life after his answer.
“No.”
She jerked away from him as if he’d struck her, and the look on her face was one he would never forget. Holy shit, how did doing the right thing feel like absolute hell?
Without a word, she put two keys in his hand and turned away.
“Have the movers delivered everything to the new house yet?” he asked, feeling foolish for even asking.
“Yup. Today. Interior of the house has all new paint and the appliances were delivered as well. The old carpets upstairs were torn out and they’re installing the new carpet tomorrow. All the paperwork for everything is on the kitchen counter over there.”
“How did you know I’d come here and not there?” he asked after a moment.
“Because I know you.” She picked up her purse and walked to the door, pausing to look over her shoulder. “Well, I thought I did.”
Aaron didn’t sleep that night, sitting on the couch in the living room of his big, empty new house and staring into the fireplace. He didn’t have any wood to start a fire, so it was as dark as his heart and he didn’t know what the hell he was going to do now. The furniture and boxes were all in the right rooms, but nothing had been set up or unpacked. She’d even made the bed up in the master bedroom, but he wasn’t going to sleep in it. Not anytime soon.
He’d stood there and told her he didn’t love her.
What a fucking moron he was.
He’d done it for the greater good, or so he kept telling himself, but what fresh hell had he inserted into both their lives? Now she would not only be heartbroken, she would think their
entire relationship had been a sham. That he’d never cared for her. And that was so fucking far from the truth. He loved her like he’d never loved anyone, and he’d never even told her. He’d never said those three simple words that might have made this easier. Even if they’d broken up, she would have good memories. Instead, he’d soiled them all by saying he’d never loved her.
He must have dozed off around dawn because when his alarm went off at eight o’clock, he jerked awake. His throat was on fire and his skin felt clammy. There was no way he was going to practice. Jesus, what a time for the flu or something. In a house where nothing had been unpacked and no one was there to help him.
He called Jake because he couldn’t just not show up to practice.
“Hey.”
“You sound like hell. If you’re hungover, Coach—”
“I think I have the flu. I’ll be in, but I need to see the doc. I have a fever and I can barely swallow.”
“Shit. You need me to pick you up?”
“Nah, I can drive. But pretty sure I’m not getting to practice. I’ll see the doc, though, so Coach doesn’t think I’m just hungover or something.”
“All right. I’ll see you later. Take care of yourself.”
“Thanks.” He hung up and dragged himself to the shower. It was going to be a long day.
Sara was completely devoid of emotion as she packed her big suitcase and the carry-on she was taking on the plane. It wasn’t even close to everything, but she didn’t need much. She’d finally told Dani about the program in Minneapolis and Dani had sat up half the night talking her into going. At least for orientation. She could meet the professors, get a feel for what it was going to entail, and decide if the future costs would be worth the investment. Her mother had been thrilled when she’d called to ask her to pick her up at the airport, and she’d spent all day yesterday trying to figure out how she might be able to afford a car. Without the salary Dani and Sergei paid her, she had no money coming in, and veterinary school wouldn’t allow for even a part-time job.
She didn’t know how she was going to get back and forth to school without one, and her parents needed both of theirs, but Sergei had graciously offered to buy her one. She hated saying yes, hated relying on someone else like that, but she didn’t have a choice and she would pay them back even if it took her ten years. Dani had laughed it off, saying they had more than they needed, but Sara still felt lower than low. She’d spent several thousand on Aaron’s stupid Christmas present, but there was no way to cancel the order now. In fact, it was probably being delivered today.
Asshole.
She wanted to drive over there and smash the stupid thing into a million pieces. But that wasn’t what she was going to do and she finished packing sadly.
“You okay?” Dani peeked in her room and she nodded.
“Hanging in there.”
“Everyone wants to see you, to say goodbye.”
“I can’t, Dani. I just can’t. I want to pretend I’m all strong and independent, but I’m literally one stubbed toe away from a complete breakdown. I’m operating on autopilot right now, and hoping the distraction once I get to Minneapolis will be enough to get me over the hump of this broken heart, but it’s hard.”
“I know.” Dani came in and hugged her tightly. “I’m so sorry this happened. I want to bitch-slap him so bad.”
“I know.”
“If it makes you feel any better, he’s got the flu and it’s pretty bad. Doc said he’s had a fever of a hundred and three the last two days. It won’t break, so he’s been going over to the house to check on him.”
“No, it doesn’t make me feel any better to know he’s so sick.” Sara lowered her gaze. “It just makes me want to go take care of him.” Her eyes puddled with tears and Dani hugged her again.
“Hey.” Sergei came to lean against the door. “You packed and ready to go?”
Sara’s flight was at six in the morning and Sergei was taking her so Dani could be home to get Niko up and ready for school.
“Pretty much.” Sara nodded. “I’m showering tonight and probably won’t sleep much, but I can sleep on the plane.”
“We’re going to miss you,” Sergei said softly. “And not just as our nanny.”
“I know.” Sara hugged him too, drawing on the strength of both his large frame and his even larger heart. “You guys have been so good to me.”
“Always.” He kissed the top of her head. “And you’re always welcome here.”
Short-term, Amy would be doing double duty with the twins and Niko, but if Sara decided to stay in Minneapolis, they would have to find someone new. Especially if Dani wound up getting pregnant again soon. That would put her delivery late in the year, during hockey season, so they would need to be set up by then.
Everything had happened quickly, but Sara needed to get away, at least for a while. She didn’t care whether people knew what had happened between them, but she didn’t know how she’d ever be able to be in the same room with him again. That was the hard part.
It broke her heart to have to give up Merlin, but she’d been surprised when Dr. Harjo told her that Aaron had called him and said he would keep the bird and pay Dr. Harjo to take him when he had to travel. On the other hand, she had to give up Ruby for now as well. If she decided to stay in Minneapolis, her mother had said she could bring the sweet dog, and Gage had offered to bring her on his private plane when the Blizzard went to Minneapolis to play since he often traveled to the games on his own. He wouldn’t be doing that as often now that he had a newborn, but he would make the trip to Minneapolis to bring Ruby if things worked out.
“Call me when you arrive,” Dani was saying. “And I want to hear everything about the program after orientation.”
“Believe me, you’ll probably know more about this veterinary program than someone who’s not attending should.”
They laughed together and hugged one more time.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” Dani whispered.
“I might be coming back.”
“But you might not.”
Then they both started to cry.
33
Aaron was in hell. Not only did he have the biggest, worst broken heart of his whole life, but he was miserable. On the fourth day, his fever spiked to a hundred and five and the team doctor admitted him to the hospital. They couldn’t find anything else going on, just a severe form of the flu, but it was kicking his ass. He’d tried to power through, but when his muscles were literally so weak he could barely lift his phone, he’d had to give in. The hospital was his least favorite place in the world, but here he was, and alone to boot. Jake and Gage had both stopped by, but Gage couldn’t afford to get whatever this was with a baby at home, and Jake was busy with hockey.
His buddies all called and texted, checking in on him, but of course, nothing from Sara. Nothing from any of the women in his life. He’d known it was coming, of course, because they would all side with Sara, but it still hurt. He was close to Whitney because she was his best friend’s wife, but she hadn’t even asked if he was okay. Jake said she’d get over it, but in the meantime, he was definitely the bad guy in their circles. And Dani was probably never going to forgive him; if she’d been any colder when he’d seen her at the arena the other day, he’d have turned to ice on the spot.
The only person who was relatively unaffected was Miikka. He probably hadn’t understood exactly what had happened with him and Sara, so he was sitting in the chair next to his bed now, tapping his foot impatiently since it was hard to have a conversation.
“You can go home,” he rasped in his cough-addled voice. “There’s nothing you can do for me. And I don’t want you to get sick.”
“I am good.” Miikka nodded. “This is what friends do.”
“Okay.” Aaron wasn’t going to argue with him. He was way too tired.
“You like?” Miikka flashed a picture of a pretty girl with reddish-blond hair on the screen of his phone.
“She�
�s pretty.” Aaron shrugged. “But I like brunettes.”
Miikka frowned. “My sister.”
Aaron coughed. “Oh, sorry, buddy, she’s not my type, but she’s cute. How old?”
“Twenty-two.”
“Too young for me.”
Miikka arched a brow. “You like old women?”
Aaron managed a half-chuckle. “No, I just like them a little bit older than twenty-two. Besides, she’s your sister and I’m an asshole.”
“She come from Finland. To see America. Maybe you need this.”
Aaron shook his head. “Not with your sister.”
“Is okay. She has breaking heart.”
“Well, right now, I can’t think about anything but this fucking cough.” He was hacking up a lung again and finally laid his head back. “Jesus, this sucks.”
“You need…” He said something that sounded like gibberish.
“I don’t know what that means, but I’ll try anything at this point.”
“I call mother.” He got up and walked into the hallway, ostensibly to call his mother. He didn’t come back right away, and Aaron fell asleep. The next time he opened his eyes it was dark and he was alone, but there was a thermos on the bedside table with a note.
Drink this. You will feel better. My mother said it’s an old family recipe. All-natural ingredients; nothing will interact with the medicine from the doctor. —Miikka.
Too bad Miikka didn’t use the translator all the time. His note made perfect sense, unlike half of what he said verbally. Aaron was grateful for his thoughtfulness, though, and picked up the thermos, unscrewing the top. He took a tentative sniff and it was okay. Smelled like soup or herbs or something, but it wasn’t bad. He figured if his teammate was trying to kill him, this might be a good time to die because he felt like shit both physically and mentally, so he chugged it down.
