S is for Secret Baby

by Annie J. Rose

  “By the way, if I haven’t said it already, you did an amazing job with the presentation earlier,” Wes said suddenly.

  I smiled at him. “Thanks,” I said, my nervousness creeping into my tone. Wes frowned, and I could tell he was about to say something else. Remembering how things had gone last time, I knew that I needed to speak first.

  “Listen, I was thinking about last night,” I said. To be honest, I still didn’t even know what I was about to say to him, but whatever I said, I knew that it would be the truth.

  Except that before I had a chance to say anything else to him, my phone rang. I jumped a little, staring down at the screen uncomprehendingly for a moment. Whatever train of thought I’d had scattered the rest of the way when I saw that it was Angie who was calling me. Not only that, but I saw that I had notifications. I’d had my phone on silent during the meeting, and I must not have realized that she had called me before. Then, I had been so wrapped up in the victory that again, I hadn’t been paying attention.

  I knew that for her to have called me more than once, though, she wasn’t just checking in. Something must be wrong.

  The same as when the school had called me about her, I felt my blood run cold. I knew that I couldn’t blame myself, but right then and there, I suddenly wondered if I was a terrible parent. It felt like things kept happening to my daughter, and I was never there for her when they did. Now, I was halfway across the country, and who knew what had happened to her.

  “I have to get this,” I said to Wes, my voice barely audible to myself over the pounding of blood in my ears.

  “Is everything okay?” he asked, but I didn’t respond as I stood up and headed outside to the curb to answer the call with a little privacy.

  “Angie, what happened?” I asked immediately, not wasting time on pleasantries.

  “I feel terrible,” Angie said, her voice strained. “Ronny was playing with the boys and slipped on a toy car and fell down the stairs.” I could tell that she had been crying, and I felt bad, knowing logically that none of it was her fault. I didn’t have it in me to console her then, though. I had to know the rest of it.

  “How bad is it?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. I almost didn’t want to know the answer to the question. It had to be bad if Angie was calling me frantically about it. But how bad?

  “She’s in the hospital,” Angie said, and I felt like I was drowning. “She broke her arm, and the doctors are still taking care of her. They said something about the possibility of a fat embolism triggered by the broken bone? I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.”

  She was babbling, but I couldn’t get the words out to stop her. My whole world felt like it was crashing down around me. Ronny was hurt, in the hospital, and I wasn’t there with her. God, she must be so scared, and Mommy wasn’t there for her. Why the hell was I here? Who was I trying to kid? I couldn’t just focus on myself and on my budding relationship with Wes; I had a daughter, and Ronny should always come first.

  The moment that Devin suggested that we come with him to New York, I should have admitted to the fact that I had a daughter and that I couldn’t leave her. I should have…

  None of that mattered now. What was done was done. The only thing to do was get back to Nebraska as soon as possible. “I’ll be there as quickly as I can,” I told Angie, the words faint. I hung up and realized as I did so that my hands were shaking. I felt like I might faint, but I knew I couldn’t. I needed to do something. I needed to get back to Nebraska.

  Wes was there in front of me on the sidewalk, I realized, a look of concern on his face. I slowly focused on him, licking my dry lips. “I have to get back to Nebraska. Now,” I told him.

  “What’s wrong?” Wes asked. “What happened?”

  I stared at him, wondering what to say. This absolutely wasn’t the way I had planned to tell him about his daughter, but how else could I explain things to him? There were no excuses that would cover something like this.

  “Ronny, my daughter, had an accident. She’s in the hospital,” I said. I realized the second after I said it that by saying “my daughter,” I had subconsciously covered the fact that she was his daughter as well. We could deal with that another time, though.

  Wes was frowning at me. “I didn’t know you had a daughter,” he said, a hint of reproach in his tone.

  I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes. Really? Did he have to be like that now? Now, when I had just told him that my daughter was in the hospital, he wanted to split hairs about the fact that he didn’t know I was a mom?

  I knew I wasn’t being fair to him, though. I would have felt the same way in his situation. I would have been asking the same sorts of questions. I was only lashing out at him now because I felt bad about the whole situation and because I was desperately afraid for our daughter. Our daughter that he didn’t even know about.

  I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep, if shaky, breath. “It just hasn’t come up before,” I finally said to Wes. It was only a lie if I looked too closely at the details.

  I could tell that he wanted to say something else about it, but he seemed to realize that now wasn’t the time. Instead, he pulled out his phone. “Devin?” he said when the other person picked up. I couldn’t begin to fathom why he might be calling Devin. I wasn’t about to think about work things right now. I needed to get back to Nebraska.

  But Wes continued. “Can we use your jet right away?” he asked. “We need to get back to Nebraska. I’m afraid it’s an emergency.”

  I couldn’t hear Devin’s response, but from the way Wes was nodding, I had a feeling it was an affirmative. Thank God. Wes started steering me back toward the hotel while he talked, and I let myself be led along even though there was a part of me that wanted to protest that we could just leave our things there.

  I wanted to be in Nebraska now; I didn’t want to waste time packing. I knew logically, though, that she was in good hands with the doctors and that my being there ten minutes sooner that I might have been without the trip back to the hotel wasn’t what would make the difference.

  I never should have been there in New York in the first place.

  It was another thing I knew I shouldn’t be beating myself up about. After all, I couldn’t protect Ronny from everything. She was bound to get hurt at some point. I knew that kids broke bones, and it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. Besides, I had done the best thing that I could do, in placing her with Angie for the time I was gone.

  I absolutely didn’t blame Angie for what had happened. The same thing might have happened while I was the one looking out for Ronny.

  Still, logic didn’t keep me from feeling horribly guilty. Logic didn’t keep me from feeling like I had failed at my task of being a mother. Logic didn’t keep me from feeling like I had been way too selfish lately, first uprooting my daughter and then jetting off on a business trip without a backward glance. Maybe this was what I got for all the stupid, self-motivated things I had done lately.

  I tried to push those thoughts out of my head for now, though. The quicker we were packed, the sooner we’d be on our way and the quicker I’d see Ronny again.

  I stuffed my things in my bag in record time and was relieved to see Wes move just as quickly. We headed to the airport without another word. I wondered if he was mad at me for keeping from him the fact that I had a daughter. I hadn’t revealed that Ronny was his, but I had revealed that I had been lying to him.

  I tried to think of how I would feel if the tables were turned, but it was hard to think outside of the present. God, Ronny was in the hospital. Knowing that was the worst feeling in my whole life.

  On the way to the airport, though, Wes slipped his arm around my shoulders. I still felt guilty, but I felt a little calmer about the situation. I took a deep breath. Everything was going to be all right. Somehow.

  I closed my eyes and leaned into him, trying not to think about what might happen at the hospital. I knew I had to keep Wes from coming
in there with me. First of all, Angie knew he was Ronny’s dad, and even though she had promised to keep things a secret, I knew if we rushed in there together, she would assume I had told him.

  I also knew there would be no hiding the truth from him there. Ronny had his eyes. More than that, she was the right age to be his, and he was sure to realize that. Wes was a smart guy; something like that wouldn’t escape his notice.

  I swallowed hard. No, he couldn’t come in there with me. I had enough on my plate right now without having to deal with that on top of the other drama of Ronny being hurt. Not to mention the fact that my daughter had been through enough without having to deal with that on top of the rest of it.

  For a moment, I let myself picture that alternate universe again, though. The one where we were a family. What if Wes and I could rush in there like concerned parents? What if I could have his support there with me the whole way through the process of filling out paperwork and seeing her in a hospital bed for the first time ever?

  I was starting to realize just how much I had given up by making the decision not to tell him about our daughter all those years ago. If I could go back now, maybe I would have done things differently. But it was too late for that, anyway.

  Chapter 15

  Wes

  There was so much that I wanted to say to Rian, but I knew that now wasn’t the time to get into an argument with her, and I was afraid that that was what would result right now.

  I had never seen someone so upset before. Having never had a child of my own, I couldn’t begin to imagine what she must feel like knowing that her daughter was in the hospital. In spite of the fact that I felt betrayed, finding out that she had kept such a huge secret from me, I wanted nothing more than to be there for her. The trouble was, I didn’t know the first thing about how to be there for her in this situation. I settled for wrapping an arm around her shoulders, hoping that was somehow enough.

  On the plane, she stared listlessly out the window. I would give anything to know what was going through her head right then, but I didn’t know how to ask.

  I found myself thinking about how I felt about all of this. I was shocked to find out she had a baby, but at the same time, I was realizing that I shouldn’t be. Her body bore the marks of having had a kid, but I had overlooked them because, I guess, I had been so certain that…

  That what? I didn’t even know. I knew, of course, that she couldn’t have been celibate since the last time we were together. Neither of us had been pining for the other. It wasn’t like we had made any plans to see one another ever again. We had only happened to end up working together and rekindled what we’d had in that one night at the end of college.

  It made sense that she had been with someone else. In fact, that sort of explained why she had left New York. A messy breakup, maybe a guy who meant trouble for her and her daughter. She would of course seek solace by returning to her roots in Nebraska.

  Or something. Jeez, it was none of my business either way. No use speculating about it.

  Except that there was part of me that felt as though it was, in fact, my business. After all, she and I had been sleeping together. More than that, I was her boss. I should have known that she had a daughter. We might have done things different with the whole New York trip.

  Oh. Because, of course, that was the reason she had been so hesitant to come to New York in the first place. I felt like an ass for not realizing, even though there was no way I could have known without her telling me.

  Again, my frustration started to bubble to the surface. Why hadn’t she told me? Had she thought it would change things between us? Or had she been afraid that she wouldn’t keep her job if we knew she had a kid? What decade did she think we were living in? I wouldn’t have fired her just because she had a kid. There were plenty of successful businesswomen out there who had children.

  I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe it was just that she hadn’t thought it was relevant information. That she was telling the truth when she said she hadn’t told me about her daughter because it just hadn’t come up. At the same time, it just seemed like it was one of those things that she might have mentioned at some point.

  It was a lot to think about, but again, there was no getting into something with her now when she was already so upset. We were both likely to say things we didn’t mean.

  I wondered if this changed things between us, though. She would understandably be hesitant to start things with me if she was just getting out of a serious relationship with the father of her child. Maybe that explained why she had disappeared the other morning while I was still asleep. Except that it didn’t explain why she had disappeared to New York without a word, back when college ended.

  In any case, it would certainly change whatever type of future we might have. In the hypothetical world where somehow it was okay for Rian and me to be together, this opened a whole new can of worms. Was I ready to step in and be a father to someone, especially someone who wasn’t my own child? Starting a relationship with Rian would be tricky enough, but starting a relationship where she had a kid? That took a certain level of commitment I wasn’t sure that I was ready for, no matter how much I liked Rian.

  Of course, that was all strictly hypothetical anyway. A relationship with Rian was out of the question for as long as I was her boss. Neither of us were willing to give up our careers to be with one another; that, I knew for a fact. And really, didn’t that show me that my level of commitment to her wasn’t enough to level with the fact that she had a child?

  I glanced over at Rian one last time as we were landing, wishing I could say something to comfort her. But I couldn’t imagine what she must feel like at the moment, and the words died on my lips. I looked silently away from her.

  We walked through the airport mostly in silence. “Why don’t you let me drive you to the hospital?” I suggested as Rian hesitated near the taxi stand.

  She gave me a surprised look, like she had almost forgotten I was there. “You don’t have to,” she said.

  “Come on,” I said, putting a hand on her shoulder and steering her toward the parking lot, where my silver sedan was waiting. I was surprised to feel her resistance. “I don’t mind,” I insisted. “It’ll be faster this way, too, I’m sure.”

  “But…” Rian bit her lower lip, but she didn’t seem to know what to say. Finally, she gave a terse nod. “Thanks.”

  “Sure,” I said easily, leading the way to my parked car.

  We were both silent on the way to the hospital, and I wondered if this was what she had been trying to avoid: the weight of all the things we had yet to talk about. It was taking everything I had not to pressure her to tell me why she hadn’t ever mentioned her daughter before. I could tell how important her kid was to her, so why hadn’t she ever told me about her?

  The more I thought about it, the stranger it was. Did she really not trust me with that information?

  We made it to the hospital finally. Rian was out of the car in a flash, the moment I had parked it, saying nothing more than a quick “thanks” as she raced toward the front of the hospital. I couldn’t help but grin, in spite of the severity of the situation. I sat in the car for a moment, drumming my fingers against the edge of the steering wheel as I wondered what to do.

  There was a part of me that wanted to follow her in there. I didn’t want her to think that the only reason I was doing that was because I wanted to confront her about all of this right now. I genuinely cared about her, and although I knew she was mostly just worried about her daughter, I couldn’t help but be worried about Rian as well. She had looked so scared.

  Was I welcome in there, though? Was there some other reason Rian hadn’t told me about her baby girl? Suddenly, another scenario popped into my head. Maybe the reason Rian hadn’t told me about her daughter was that she hadn’t actually just gotten out of a bad relationship prior to moving back to Nebraska. Maybe she was still together with the girl’s father.

  After all,
someone had been caring for the girl while Rian and I were in New York over the weekend.

  Would Rian really do that to me, though? She didn’t strike me as the kind of person to cheat on someone. I didn’t think that she and I would have had sex if there had been someone else in the picture for her. But then again, I wouldn’t have expected her to have a mystery daughter either.

  I shook my head. I wasn’t going to be able to focus on anything else for the rest of the day anyway, not until I knew that Rian, and her daughter, were okay. Might as well make myself useful.

  When I returned to the hospital, I had about a half dozen different things for lunch, plus chocolate, plus a little stuffed animal for Rian’s daughter. I asked the nurse on duty where I could find Rian, and she looked like she was trying not to laugh. I guess I did go a little overboard, but I wanted Rian to know that I still cared for her, even if she had been keeping this secret from me.

  I was surprised to see Angie sitting outside the room when I got there. “What are you doing here?” I asked, even more shocked to see the remnants of tears on her cheeks.

  She looked up at me and winced. “I was watching Ronny for Rian while she was in New York,” she explained. “Ronny was playing with my boys, and that’s how she got hurt. She fell down the stairs.”

  I blinked in surprise. So Angie had known about Rian’s daughter when I hadn’t? Again, I couldn’t help but feel betrayed by Rian’s secret. Why had she kept it from me? And why hadn’t Angie ever said anything about it? I had to assume that Rian had asked her not to, since Angie was usually an open book. But why would she ask her not to tell me, and why would Angie agree?

  None of this made any sense. I knew that Angie wasn’t the one I should be hounding for answers, though. Fortunately, before I could say anything dumb, Angie noticed the bags in my hands.

  “Is that food?” she asked in surprise.