Logic couldn’t keep me focused today, though. The next thing I knew, I was back at the hospital.
I paused outside in the parking lot, thinking through why I was here. There was definitely a part of me that wanted to confront Rian. A huge part, in fact. I had to know why she didn’t tell me about the pregnancy, and why even after moving back to Nebraska she hadn’t told me about the fact that she had a daughter.
I tried to think things through in my head. I didn’t want to sound too mean or accusatory, but I figured I had a right to know the answers to at least some of my questions. Yesterday had no doubt been a stressful day for her, but it was a new day now. Surely we could at least talk about some of these things through?
When I went inside and saw her sitting in the waiting room, however, I knew I couldn’t confront her. She looked distraught as she stared sightlessly at the magazine in her lap. There were dark circles under her eyes, and I could tell that she had slept even less than I had. My heart went out to her. I knew I had to wait for a better time and a better place, just like Angie had said the previous day.
Right now, Rian needed the support of a friend more than she needed to hear me torrent at her for lying to me. I had a feeling, based on her tired expression, that our daughter’s health wasn’t the only thing that had weighed on Rian’s mind the night before.
I turned and headed for the cafeteria, grabbing a tray of breakfast and coffee for her. When I got back and held it out to her, she stared blankly up at me. Then, she bit her lower lip, dropping her gaze. Sure enough, she looked worn-out and guilty. “Wes,” she started to say.
I sat down beside her. “We need to talk,” I said, in a much gentler tone than the one I had used the previous day. At the end of the day, I was baffled by her actions and upset that she hadn’t trusted me to know about the existence of our daughter, but I still cared about Rian. There was a part of me that just wanted to look out for her, to care for her, to make sure she was going to be all right.
“Not now,” I clarified. “I just wanted to be here to help if you needed anything.” I paused. “Is Ronny doing all right?”
Rian looked uncertain for a moment, like she was still expecting me to blow up at her. “She’s doing better,” she finally said. “They were doing some tests with her right now, physical therapy stuff or something. They said I could go back in after a little while.”
I nodded. “Good,” I said.
“If you wanted to come with me, you could,” Rian added, looking shy for the first time I had ever seen.
“I’d like that,” I agreed quietly. I sat back in my seat, watching semi-critically as Rian picked at the breakfast I’d brought her. “How are you doing?”
Rian sighed and wrapped her hands around the coffee, warming them. “It was a long night,” she finally said. She stole a glance over at me. “I kept wishing… that you were here.”
I reached out and gently squeezed her shoulder. “You should have called me,” I said.
“I was afraid to,” Rian admitted. “You’re right, we do need to talk. I’m not sure that I handled things right. I mean, I can explain all my reasons for it, but I don’t know. If I had to do it all over again, I don’t know.” She frowned, trying to find the words, but before she could babble anything else, one of the nurses came over to us.
“Mrs. James? I just wanted to let you know that Ronny is all done with the doctors, and you’re welcome to go back in to see her again if you’d like. Your husband, too.”
“Thank you,” Rian said warmly, not bothering to correct her and say that I wasn’t her husband. That sent a certain thrill through me. I liked the idea, I realized, of people thinking we were a family. Even if I still wasn’t sure I was ready to be a dad.
I was sure that was just nerves, though, brought on by the fact that this whole thing had happened so suddenly. Most people had the better part of a year to get used to the idea that they were going to be a father. Then they spent years watching that kid grow up. I had missed all of that, and now I was facing the fact that my kid was already in school and I was just learning about her. It was a shock to the system.
I was sure I would get used to it. I wanted to get used to it. I just hoped I wouldn’t have to fight Rian on it.
I glanced over at her as we headed back to Ronny’s room. She happened to glance over me at the same time, her feet slowing to a stop as we neared the door. “I’ll introduce you to her, but is it all right if I don’t tell her that you’re her father? Just for now, while she’s in the hospital? She’s already been through a lot, and I know it’s not fair to you, but I also don’t want to overburden her. The doctor said that too much stress could be bad for her right now.”
I pulled Rian into a spontaneous hug. There was a part of me that didn’t want to go a minute longer without Ronny knowing I was her father, but at the same time, I knew Rian was right. At the moment, I had to think about my daughter and how much of a shock it might be to her to find out who her father was.
It was the first decision I made as a parent.
Rian slumped against me for a moment, her arms wrapping tightly around my waist. Neither of us said a word, but we didn’t have to. “Come on,” she said softly as she pulled away. She caught my hand and led me into the hospital room.
“Mommy!” Ronny exclaimed delightedly as she saw her mother.
“There’s my brave little angel,” Rian said, beaming at the girl as she went over to her, giving her a big hug, mindful of the cast. She nodded approvingly. “A bright pink cast looks very good on you.”
Ronny giggled. “Can you draw me a picture on it?” she asked.
“Later, I promise,” Rian said. “I have to think of the perfect one first. After all, you’re going to have to look at it for weeks.”
Ronny laughed again. Her eyes focused on me, and she cocked her head to the side. “Who’s that?”
Rian gestured for me to come closer. “This is my boss and my very good friend Wes,” she said. “I knew him in college, and yesterday he gave me a ride to the hospital so I could come see you.”
“Oh, okay,” Ronny said. “Do you want to draw a picture on my cast?”
I grinned, trying not to feel too out of my depth here. But she seemed easygoing, and Rian’s grin was reassuring. “I think I’ll let your mom have the first honors,” I told her. I winked at Ronny. “Whatever she draws, I’ll have to draw something better.”
Ronny snickered. Rian rolled her eyes. “Challenge accepted,” she said, and there was a certain fondness in her voice that hadn’t been there before. It put me further at ease.
There was a lot we needed to talk about. And, I realized, there was a lot I needed to talk to George and our HR department about. I was going to be in this little girl’s life from here on out. That meant that all the rules about boss-employee relationships were out the window. Whatever the cost, though, I was happy to pay it.
I barely knew this little bundle of energy, but I could already tell my life would never be the same again.
Chapter 18
Rian
It melted my heart to see Ronny and Wes together. She still didn’t know that he was her father, but she seemed to like him all the same. I couldn’t help feeling enormously relieved that Wes hadn’t fought me on that. When he had showed up at the hospital that morning, I had thought for sure he was there to confront me about what he had learned the previous day, and I had steeled my nerves for it even though I didn’t feel like I could handle that then.
He’d been nothing but kind, though. In fact, same as the day before, he had brought me food, looking out for me while I was frantically doing my best to look out for Ronny. I couldn’t tell him how much I appreciated it. It meant everything to me.
We were definitely going to have a real conversation sometime in the very near future, and I had a feeling that things were going to get emotional. But for now, things were going as good as they could go.
I wished I had a chance to think of all the things I wanted to
say to Wes when we had that conversation. Last night, though, my mind had been pretty much blank. I hadn’t been able to think of much of anything beyond the way that Ronny looked in that hospital bed, the way I had felt when Angie had called me in New York, and the way Wes’s eyes had flashed with anger as he stormed out of there the previous day. Those three things played over and over again on a loop in my head, making it impossible for me to get any sleep.
I felt like shit today, and I wasn’t sure that I could explain anything to Wes. I definitely wasn’t ready to have a conversation where we discussed our daughter’s future and how he would be a part of her life. At the same time, I knew it was all a conversation I had been putting off for way too long now. It was about time to come clean on everything and work toward a setup that would work for both of us.
I considered Wes as he joked with Ronny. He was good with her, I had to admit. Not that it was difficult; Ronny was the kind of kid that everyone seemed to get along with. Still, it was good to see the two of them bonding, even if we had to be in the hospital for it to happen.
Ronny fell asleep not too long after that, worn-out still from the pain and the stress of it all. I stared down at her for a long moment, Wes’s arm tentatively draped around my shoulder. “I think I’m starting to understand how you feel,” Wes murmured. He held up a hand before I could say anything. “I know, I know, not entirely. You’re the one who got to watch her grow up. She’s closer to you than anyone else in the world. I sort of understand, though.”
I frowned at him, trying not to write him off immediately. I appreciated what he was trying to say, and as I thought back to how I had felt the first time I held Ronny in my arms, I knew that that bond had formed quickly. In any case, what was there to fight? He was in her life now, for better or for worse. And I had a feeling that it was all for the better.
“She looks like she’s going to be out for a while,” Wes said carefully. “There’s a little coffee shop down the block. Why don’t we go get some real coffee in you? Get you away from the pastel walls for a minute?”
I stared at him. I couldn’t just leave her here. What if she woke up and her mom wasn’t there? Again? On the other hand, I knew that I was getting to that point of restless exhaustion where I needed to stretch my legs a little. Ronny was sleeping soundly, her good arm wrapped around the stuffed deer that Wes had brought for her the previous day. Besides, she was in good hands here at the hospital. The worst was behind us now.
“Okay,” I found myself agreeing.
Wes smiled and led me out of there. On the pavement, I stood blinking at the sunshine for a moment. My sense of time was all thrown off after a night spent trying to sleep on a hard hospital chair. The fresh air felt good on my face.
“There’s a little color coming back into you,” Wes said approvingly as we walked down the street.
I grinned wanly at him. “This is probably the worst thing I’ve ever gone through in my life,” I admitted quietly. I paused and then ducked my head. “I’m glad you’ve been here with me through it.”
“Of course,” Wes said easily, not commenting on the fact that I’d seemingly done everything in my power to keep him away from this little corner of family.
What did I want, from here on out? I knew we were going to have to talk about it, and I wished I was more prepared than I was. I wasn’t sure that I was ready to start calling the three of us a family just yet. For so long, it had just been me and Ronny.
Besides, it was a big commitment to bring Wes into our little bubble. Ronny had already gotten hurt once this week. What if things with Wes weren’t permanent? What if Ronny and I moved back to New York?
I doubted I could keep my position with the company, with Wes as my boss, if everyone knew that we had a kid together. That meant that Ronny and I were going to have to leave town. I would never want to set her up for a lifetime of sadness and separation, and neither did I want to set myself up for a mess of shared custody and “who gets her for the holidays.”
Except... Except that I realized now just how unfair it had been for me to keep Ronny from her father for all these years. I realized that Wes was a great man who would go out of his way to make sure his daughter was being taken care of. Maybe it was about time Ronny’s and my bubble expanded. After all, she was growing up; it was only a matter of time before that bubble started to get bigger through no action of my own. Why not bring a good influence into her life while I still had the chance?
“Easy over there,” Wes said suddenly. I looked over at him in surprise. “You’re thinking loud enough to give me a headache.” He grinned, his tone teasing, but I just sighed and looked away.
“So what am I thinking about, then?” I challenged him.
“Let’s get coffee first. Then we’ll talk,” Wes said, steering me toward the counter. “I don’t think either of us slept much last night.”
We placed our orders and grabbed a small table. I wondered how many of the other people in the shop were there because of the proximity to the hospital, and how many others were just going about their everyday lives. Suddenly, I ached to be back to my usual routine. I hoped Ronny was discharged soon; I didn’t know how much more of this I could take.
Wes reached out across the table, covering my hand with his own, and suddenly things felt a lot more bearable.
“I think you’re thinking,” he said slowly, getting back to my earlier challenge, “that you’re feeling guilty. That somehow you did something wrong by being in New York when all of this happened. Which is ridiculous because you’re a mom but not a superhero. You can’t be everywhere at once.”
He paused. “Besides, what you were doing in New York, it’s pretty obvious that was for her. I mean, your work is for you as well. I know that you love this kind of job. At the end of the day, though, I was wondering where all your passion came from in that pitch. Now I think I have an idea. You’re doing this for her, to give her opportunities.”
My shoulders slumped, the tension going out of them. It was just that easy for him to reassure me that none of this was my fault. That I had been right to go to New York.
I rubbed a hand over my tired face. The next thing I knew, I was crying.
“Hey,” Wes said, sliding his chair around so that he was next to me, his knee pressed against mine and his hand lightly stroking the back of my neck. “Listen, we don’t need to talk about all of this now. I know it’s been a rough couple of days for you, and I just want to be here for you. We can figure the rest of it out later.”
I shook my head, tears still dripping freely down my face. “I want to talk about some of it now,” I said quietly. “Because if I don’t, then I might never tell you the whole story.” As much as I wanted to think we would talk things out later, I knew that I was at my most vulnerable now, ready to really talk about the reasons I had kept the truth from him.
Besides, not talking about all of it felt like purposefully keeping space between us right then. I didn’t want that space between us. I wanted to know if he was going to be there to support me or if I was going to lose my job. I needed to have some idea of how things were going to go. I just couldn’t handle another minute of not knowing.
I took a deep breath, deciding to start from the beginning. “The night you and I hooked up, I wasn’t just out celebrating the end of finals,” I said. “I also found out that day that I got the internship. I didn’t tell you about it then because I knew how much you wanted it. I’m pretty sure the only reason they picked me over you was because I’m a girl. They were looking to hire more female employees.”
Wes frowned. “All right,” he said slowly. “You didn’t have to disappear without saying goodbye, though.”
“I did,” I sighed. “Look, I enjoyed that night. Maybe too much. Not to mention the fact that I was kind of scared. Moving to New York might have been easy for you, but I was afraid I was going to be just some hick out of her element there. I was afraid that if I said goodbye, I might not go.”
Wes was qu
iet for a moment. “I wanted that internship,” he finally said. “I would have supported you going, though. I mean, sure, I probably would have been a little upset that it was you and not me who got it, but I would have supported you. I would have helped you through your worries about being just some hick.”
I shrugged. “I believe you,” I said. “Back then, though, it just felt like something that I had to go through on my own.” I paused. “I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was already in New York.”
“And what, that was another thing that you just had to go through on your own?” Wes asked, but there was no bitterness in his voice. He was clearly trying to understand my decisions. I appreciated that.
Still, that didn’t make explaining things any easier. I had to try, though.
“Here’s why I didn’t tell you,” I began.
Chapter 19
Wes
If the previous day had been an emotional roller coaster, this one was no less of one. From wanting to confront Rian to wanting to care for her, to getting to meet my daughter for the first time, to sitting here in a coffee shop listening to Rian explain why she had never said goodbye—it was a lot. It felt good to clear the air, though. I realized I had a lot of feelings from back in college that I had pushed aside after she started working for me, and it was good to go through those now.
It had hurt to find out she had disappeared without a word. If our roles had been reversed, I didn’t think I would have made the same decision as she had. On the other hand, I understood her decision, more or less.
“I had to make a decision, when I found out that I was pregnant,” Rian was saying. “Of course I was going to keep it. Her.” She smiled softly. “There was never really any question of that.”
I thought back to Ronny, lying there in the hospital bed. It would have been so easy for her to be moody and upset. She was tired and in pain and in a foreign environment. Somehow, though, she had been happy-go-lucky and cute. I could tell she was a little ray of sunshine.
S is for Secret Baby Page 10
