Not a Word

by Dawn Sister

  “Mom wants me to help her and my aunt with their business, so I’ve been driving all over the place for them.” He looks thoroughly fed up. “Yesterday, I drove a two-hundred-mile round trip to pick up a catering refrigerator for her and then she gets mad at me for falling asleep on the sofa after dinner and not doing the dishes. I’m twenty-three not sixteen.

  “I wasn’t lazing about, shirking my responsibilities like a teenager. I was tired after doing her a favour. And then I wish I could have just stayed in the States, but I feel guilty, because how could she have done this without me? She would’ve stayed if I’d said I wanted to, but she needed to be near her sister.

  “My dad had no family, and I had no ties. No massive ones, anyway, so we weren’t really leaving anyone behind—just a few friends, and we keep in touch over the Net. It’s not like we can’t speak anytime we want.” Zak shrugs, a distant look in his eyes and I wonder who he has left behind.

  “She just never seems happy, y’know,” he continues. “I got it in the neck for not mowing the lawn this morning. I was gonna do it, but she just cussed me out before I could make a start. Then she said I should go and find a job. I can’t get a job and work for her at the same time, although if I got a job, I would at least get paid, and then I’d have some money so I could go out and meet other people. But then she’d probably be pissed that I wasn’t available to do all her dirty work.”

  Sometimes I want to stop him and make him take a breath.

  It takes me a few moments to register everything he’s told me, because sometimes it’s like getting all the information at once in a zip file. If I understand correctly, he’s being taken for granted at home, and I feel his frustration. If his mum could hear just how supportive he is of her, she’d appreciate how much he has given up to be here with her. For her, it isn’t so much a new start as a return home. For him, it is a complete change of lifestyle, not to mention the culture shock.

  “Y-you’re n-not doing too much, are you, Zak?”

  He looks at me as if I’ve said something amazing then puts his arm around me and hugs me to him.

  “Nah!” He releases his hold, but my brain has gone to mush at how amazing that felt. “I’m just whinin’, Niall. Mom was having a bad day, I guess. It’s understandable, isn’t it? She lost her husband. We’ve moved halfway around the world. She’s bound to find it hard to adjust.”

  I’m trying to process how good it felt to have his body pressed against mine, however brief it was. I’ve been too long starved of physical contact. I need to control myself. I’m not really thinking about what I’m saying when I reply.

  “Y-y-you l-lost your d-dad, Zak. You moved to another country too. Sh-she should cut you s-some slack.”

  “Mom cuts me enough slack, Niall.” He looks up, his eyes flashing in anger. I take a step back, holding up my hands in submission and apology. He hangs his head with a sigh. “No need to apologise, dude. I’m sorry I snapped.” He looks up again and smiles. “Hey, can I hang out here for a little longer? Mom’s still on the warpath about the lawn, and I’m feeling rebellious.”

  I laugh. I don’t mind him being here, although I’m a little worried he’s using me as an excuse to avoid responsibilities. I don’t want to get on Rachel’s bad side if his being here causes conflict between them.

  I suppose I shouldn’t really complain, since over the last few weeks I’ve enjoyed getting to know him. I even look forward to his visits. Does that sound a little sad and lonely? I didn’t think I was lonely until he blasted into my life. I had Zen, and he and I were doing okay. I really didn’t think I needed anything or anyone else in my life.

  ‘Set in my ways’ is how, I suppose, I would describe myself. I’d become a creature of routine and habit. Zak came along and has broken it all to pieces, but not in a bad way. I suppose I should just enjoy his company while I can. I don’t think it will be for very much longer. He’s only been here a month; once he finds his feet, makes some new friends and spreads his wings, he won’t need me: the grumpy old sod who lives next door.

  “So can I stay?” He’s waiting for me to say yes, and it’s never seemed so important to him before. I mean, he invited himself into my house the first time he came around. He never waited for my approval then; nor has he since, until now.

  He’s looking at me with great anticipation on his face, and I am suddenly struck by just how lovely he is, like I’m seeing him clearly for the first time. His skin is perfect: smooth and tanned, with a hint of freckles, and there’s always a slight flush to his cheeks—I think—because he talks so much he overheats.

  I realise I’ve taken too long to answer when Zak gets up to leave.

  “Hey, Niall, if you don’t want me to stay I can go. I don’t mind, just, I can’t go home right now. Mom’s too angry. I can go to a movie or something. I’m cool with that.”

  “On your own?” I gasp, too shocked to stutter.

  He stops on his way to the door and gives me a curious look.

  “I don’t mind going on my own. I’ve done it plenty of times.” He tips his head to one side and grins. “Of course, I don’t have to be on my own, if you come with me.”

  “W-what?” I swallow. That wasn’t why I commented. I wasn’t fishing for him to ask me. I was actually about to tell him he was welcome to stay here.

  “Sure, Niall, come with me to the movies.” His usual confident tone has been replaced by a slight nervousness, and he bites his lower lip as he waits for me to answer. “Why not?”

  Why not? Can he hear himself? He’s asking me to go to the movies with him like a date. I’m twenty years older than him. Doesn’t he see it’s not the thing to do?

  I look at his eager expression. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he isn’t even seeing this as a date, since he’s looking for someone to hang out with, not someone to go out with. He doesn’t have any friends, he told me; he hasn’t had any time to find any. Does he count me as a friend? That feels good, and certainly more appropriate than what was going through my head when he hugged me before.

  “O-okay.” I nod.

  “Oh boy, that’s great, Niall. You can drive, since I don’t have a car yet, and I don’t think Mom will let me drive hers after our fight. What are we going to see? Let’s get the listings up on my cell and see what’s on. Can I log onto your wi-fi? Or maybe we could just turn up and see what we can get tickets for. Should we eat first? Or maybe we could go for something to eat after. What are the best places near here? That’s always supposing you can cope with my stomach rumbling all through the movie.”

  Oh my god, I can’t hear myself think. With him still rambling on about the order in which we are going to do this, I grab my jacket and my keys and then him. He’s still talking as I drag him out of the door.

  Chapter 4

  In which I go to the movies

  with my new neighbour

  “So there’s this guy I went to college with in the States, that says he knows the guy who trains with the guy who was stunt coordinator for this movie,” Zak whispers to me as we settle in our seats ready to watch.

  So far, he hasn’t taken a breath since we left the house. He talked right through dinner—where he fit in any time to actually eat I don’t know, but suddenly his plate was empty. Is he going to talk through the entire movie? He does when we’re at home, but then we hadn’t paid especially to see those movies, and he does usually have some pretty funny stuff to say about what we’re watching.

  I put on my 3D glasses and then sort out my popcorn and small drink. Zak juggles with a hot dog, nachos and a huge, bucket-sized soft drink. He also has popcorn. How can someone eat so much in one go? And after I’ve just watched him eat enough pizza to sink a battleship. He’s skinny as a rake, too, although, admittedly a lot of that is muscle, so he isn’t so much skinny as wiry, and firm. I need to stop looking now!

  “S-sure y-you’ve got enough to eat there, Zak?” I point at his food trays by way of a distraction.

  “Just about.” He smirks—an
action that provides its own set of distractions.

  “N-no wonder your mum k-kicked you out t-tonight. Probably saved her a fortune in food shopping.” I remark as he begins to eat his hot dog. He snorts.

  “Shit, Niall, I’d tell you to be quiet because the movie’s about to start but that’s the most I’ve heard you say in one go. It only took you four weeks, three days, two hours and—” he looks at his watch “—three and a half minutes.”

  I take a handful of popcorn and shove it in his mouth before he can say anything else.

  “S-sarcastic bugger. Shut up!” I tell him as he snorts with delighted laughter. “The movie’s about to start.”

  Chapter 5

  In which I discover I’ve made a friend

  About a week after our cinema trip, I’m unloading my shopping—all four bags of it, most of it dog food and, for some reason, stuff Zak likes that he added to the bottom of my shopping list, cheeky bugger—when I am faced with my worst nightmare: a neighbour actually speaking to me. Or rather, a neighbour that isn’t Zak.

  “It’s Niall, isn’t it?”

  Oh god. Who’s this random woman talking to me on the street? I don’t lift my head, or turn in her direction.

  “Hmm!” I grunt as I heave the oversize bag of dog food out of the boot of the car. Zen might be a small dog but he has a hell of an appetite.

  “I’m Rachel, Zak’s mother.”

  Oh! I actually look up and make eye contact. I recognise her now.

  “H-h-hello!” I try to smile politely whilst I struggle over a word that most people would have already spoken without even thinking about it.

  Rachel is nothing like Zak. She’s tiny. Her dark hair is arranged in a neat bun at the back of her head, and her eyes are a light brown, almost hazel, with a slight twinkle as they search mine. Well, okay, that might be a bit like Zak. But Rachel doesn’t even have an accent, despite having lived in the States for at least twenty-three years that I know about. There might be a slight drawl there, but nothing as strong as Zak’s.

  “Zak’s told me all about you, Niall, and of course I’ve already met Zen.” She looks up at the house, where we she can no doubt hear said Zen going crackers because I haven’t opened the door yet. She looks back at me, and her eyes crinkle as she smiles. There’s the resemblance—that grin. Zak must get his fair complexion from his dad, I presume, but he gets his smile from his mum.

  What did she say? Zak’s told her about me. Oh hell!

  “I h-h-hope it w-was all g-g-g…” I get stuck and shrug in embarrassment. I take a deep breath to try again but Rachel interrupts me.

  “Oh yes, it was all good, although he never mentioned that you…” She clears her throat awkwardly, biting her lip and looking away.

  Was she going to point out my stutter? Like I hadn’t noticed I sound like a vinyl record with the needle stuck? And how can Zak have told her all about me and not have mentioned the most prominent fact about me?

  Oh shit, now she’s giving me the look—all sympathetic and trying for understanding but only managing mild pity. She probably thinks I’m some sort of headcase. I know she’s already told Zak he spends too much time with me. Zak stopped short of saying it, but I’m almost certain that’s what he was going to say.

  “Well, it’s nice to finally meet you, Niall, and I apologise that it’s taken me so long to actually come over and speak to you, but you know how it is. Moving house can be busy enough, but we moved from another country too.” She smiles—a more genuine, less awkward smile this time—but there is still a hint of pity in her eyes.

  I hate that. I hate it with a passion. This is why I don’t bloody speak to neighbours, people, anyone.

  “I hope you don’t mind Zak spending so much time over at your place. He’s gaga over your dog. Is that Zen I can hear barking?”

  I nod, since that doesn’t require a verbal answer, and she doesn’t give me a chance to answer anyway as she launches into another monologue.

  “It’s such a relief to have a nice neighbour. You worry about things like that when you move into a new community, but everyone in the street is really nice, and you’ve been such a good friend to Zak. Thank you.”

  “Y-you’re w-welcome.” She doesn’t even sound a little unhappy about Zak’s seeming obsession with my dog and my house.

  She thinks I’ve been a good friend. I hadn’t even seen it that way. He burst into my life, and he’s constantly there. I always thought his visits would taper off once he found some new friends, but here we are, just over a month in, and that hasn’t happened yet.

  “Zen is so super cute, I don’t mind him coming round at all,” Rachel continues. Zak obviously gets his skill for talking nonstop from his mother. I’ve got shopping to unload. There’s not a lot, but some of it is frozen, and it’s a hot day. “You can visit anytime too, Niall. Just pop over for a coffee and a chat. I feel so bad that we’ve been here five weeks and we only just met now. I’ve been super busy, and I guess Zak’s been doing the neighbourly thing pretty well. I worried that he wouldn’t make any friends. He certainly seems to have found a friend in Zen.”

  That’s what she meant when she referred to friendship, although that’s a bit sad, isn’t it, that she thinks Zak’s made a friend even though it’s only a dog?

  “Zen seems t-to h-have c-claimed Zak as his.” I nod and smile. “It w-was n-nice m-meeting you, er…”

  “Rachel!” She chuckles, and I think she may have thought I’d forgotten her name, rather than the real reason for the hesitation, which is that new names are particularly difficult for me. Except Zak’s. I never seem to have had a problem with his name.

  I pick up two of my bags and turn, hoping Rachel will take this as a sign the conversation might be winding down. Saying goodbye can sometimes take me an age, so I rely on people picking up my non-verbal cues. Zak does it so well, but Rachel doesn’t take the hint. She doesn’t appear to think I’m being sullen or grumpy when I turn my back, however. This is another trait she shares with Zak. At least I’m not running away from her. That’s a positive. I suppose I should make an effort to get to know her; she is Zak’s mother, after all.

  “We weren’t so lucky with neighbours where we were living before.” She takes my other two bags of shopping and follows me to my door.

  God, is she going to be like her son and invite herself in? I can just about cope with Zak; I’m not sure I can cope with his mum invading my space as well.

  “They were noisy and interfering,” Rachel continues. “Unfortunately, we happened to choose the most homophobic apartment block in the whole of San Diego. We had to wait such a long time until they granted Zak a British passport for his dual nationality. We were there six months, and Zak went through hell because of some of the assholes in that block. It was awful for him, and we wouldn’t even have moved, but we got such a great offer on the house, way above the asking price, we had to take it. I feel so guilty about it all, but we couldn’t know really, until we actually got there, and the stuff started.”

  Was Zak a victim of homophobia? Is that what she’s telling me? Is he gay? How has he never managed to divulge that snippet of information? Did he get beaten up for it? Is that why? Is that the real reason he hasn’t made any friends over here? Is he just being cautious?

  I could introduce him to some of my friends, although I tend to keep them all at arm’s length since a lot of them took the side of my ex when we broke up. A lot of them are still in touch with him, and I don’t want to move in the same circles as him. I definitely wouldn’t want to subject Zak to my ex-boyfriend’s spiteful vindictiveness.

  I realise Rachel is staring at me. She has a look of concern on her face but I think it’s concern for Zak, not for the fact that I zoned out. After what she’s just told me, I wouldn’t blame her. This neighbourhood has always been very accepting.

  “Zak is gay?” I just need to check, so I’m not making assumptions here. I still cannot believe, after all the talking Zak has done over the last five w
eeks, he hasn’t mentioned this once.

  Rachel nods and grimaces. “Oh god, that’s not a problem here, is it? Maybe I shouldn’t have said, if he hasn’t told you himself. He was out in the States, not that it did him any good. I felt so helpless about the whole thing. We decided he would play it safe until we’d tested the waters here. Everyone is really friendly, but you never really know how someone is going to react. If his dad had been alive…” She stops and heaves a sigh, looking unhappy and a little shaky and emotional.

  I guess if Zak’s father had been alive, then they would all still be living in the States, and we would never have met. It’s awful they’ve both been worried about coming out over here. It’s awful that Zak hasn’t felt he could tell me.

  “Zak is s-safe h-here, R-Rachel. I-I’ll look after h-him,” I assure her, placing a hand on her arm. “I-I’ve n-never had any trouble h-here in s-sixteen years.”

  What the hell? Why in a million years would she be expecting me to say that? I’ve effectively outed myself and managed to make it sound completely creepy at the same time. I might as well have told her I was inviting Zak to come and look at some puppies. Now she probably thinks I’m some sort of predator, preying on vulnerable, young men.

  When I finally make eye contact again, I realise she doesn’t look shocked at all. She looks relieved. She reaches out and touches my arm, her eyes quite moist with emotion. She leans in and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

  “Oh, Niall. Zak said you were a sweetie. Thank you so much.”