Him

by Carey Heywood

  "Just so you know, I've been fucking dying for an update."

  I laugh. "Well, I have a big ass update." I pause, just to piss her off.

  It works. "Sarah, I swear to God. Spit it out already."

  "So, I talked to Will, and I think we’re dating now."

  "Shut the fuck up!"

  I shake my head. "No lie. He’s waiting for me downstairs right now. He's been in love with me this whole time and says he'll come to Denver for the rest of the summer."

  "Aww. That makes me want to cry. Wait, the whole summer? Is homeboy unemployed?"

  I snort. "No, he's a teacher. You know, summers off."

  "I'm going to get to meet him. Just so you know, I'm happy dancing."

  I didn’t expect anything less. "But I have to go. I will tell you more later. I love you."

  I hear her making kissy noises as I end the call.

  "Who do you love?"

  I look up to see Will leaned up against the doorway. Mental picture. God, he looks hot in his tux. I'm almost regretting not wearing something more revealing.

  "Spy much?"

  He shrugs.

  I walk over to him and slip my arms around his waist. He rests his chin on my head. "It was Sawyer, my new best friend."

  I feel him tense and look up at him. "What's wrong?"

  He's chewing on the side of his mouth. "What's he like?"

  I get a dirty look when I laugh at him. "Will, Sawyer is a girl. All better now?"

  He avoids my eyes.

  I smack his chest. "You were jealous." I laugh. I have no idea why I find this so funny.

  He silences me with a kiss that makes my knees feel weak. He raises his lips from mine. "Yes, I was jealous. I just happen to know your last best friend fell in love with you, so I got nervous."

  I meet his gaze as he dusts another, more delicate kiss across my lips.

  Chapter 22

  Past

  The telephone call to my parents sucks. My mother asks why I was trying to scare her to death and demands I come back home immediately while my father tells me he’s disappointed in me. I hold firm, though. Then she says Will had come over looking for me and that I need to call him.

  That's when I start to cry. "We broke up, mom."

  "What happened?"

  "I don’t want to talk about it. I just need to get away. Please, can I have Uncle Chip's number?"

  Hearing the desperation in my voice must do it. She gives me his number. I call him next. He’s surprised but said he meant it when he said I could always stay with him. Just hearing that makes me exhale. I had no idea what I was going to do if he had said no. Jake and Sawyer drive me over to his house a short while later. I write down their numbers, and my uncle gives them his land line number. Sawyer makes me promise we will hang out.

  The first weeks are awful. I can’t help but stop and wonder what Will is doing. In Trenton, I’m not just mourning a broken heart. I miss my best friend. I had lost my cell phone that night so Chip eventually offers to add a line on his plan. My new number now starts with 609 instead of 404. I close my Facebook account, not that I used it that much before. I just can’t risk seeing him. To a certain extent, I disappear. That’s the start of my new life. My uncle lets me use his other car to get around. I get a job at a local coffee shop and go to school. I have a couple of weird conversations with Brian when he brings up Will, but after I make it clear I have nothing to say on the subject, he stops bringing him up.

  I get registered at the local community college. While I wait for classes to start, I spend a lot of time with Sawyer. She’s adamant that I should call Will and hash it out but also respects the fact that I’m not going to. Besides, he’s in Italy right now, with Jessica. Just thinking about that kills me. I try to stay busy, even trick myself into thinking I’m moving on a couple of times. It was all a lie, I tell myself to make it through each day without him, but deep down, I know you never really get over your first love.

  I had never been the best student, but something drives me to put everything I have into my classes. Every time I think about slacking off, I hear Mrs. Price's voice in my head telling me I will never be good enough for Will. That thought seems to push me more than anything else. After some time, I’m certain Will is probably back with Jessica or maybe even with some other girl at the University of Georgia. I know there is no future for us, but I never want to feel not good enough for someone ever again. I even go on a couple a dates with a guy who works at the coffee shop with me. His name is Carl. He’s nice, but I don’t feel anything when he kisses me.

  It’s just before the start of my second semester, and I am working the afternoon shift at the coffee shop when a regular comes in. Her name is Helen, and everyday at three she stops in for a coffee to get her through the rest of her day, or at least that’s what she always says. She’s an accountant and works in the same building as the coffee shop, just three floors up. She’s extra frazzled today and keeps staring at me while she sits, drinking her coffee. The fact that she is sitting at all is odd. She normally just takes her order and leaves. We’re slow, so I grab a spray bottle and walk around the counter to wipe down the tables.

  When I get closer to her, I ask. “Everything okay?"

  One side of her mouth pulls up, and she clears her throat. "Funny you should ask. My assistant quit this morning. She’s moving to Mexico to find herself.”

  Helen is a total corporate Barbie, from her rust shaded pantsuit to her low blonde power ponytail. She puts her elbows up on the table and steeples her fingers before resting her chin on them. "Any interest in becoming my new assistant?"

  I shoot her a questioning look. "What?"

  She picks up her coffee and takes another sip. "I'm serious. I know you're in school, and I can work around your schedule. I have seen you in here almost every day and can see how competent you are. Plus I'll give you health insurance."

  It isn’t the health insurance that I’m interested in but her appearance of success. I want that. I end up taking a fifteen minute break and talk to her more about what exactly she’s looking for. I tell her I’ll think about it and that I want to talk to my uncle about it. She finishes her coffee and leaves. Since it’s Friday, I have until Monday afternoon to think about it. I watch her walk out of the shop, a guy holding the door for her as she leaves and watching her as she walks away. She not only has that air of success but of confidence too. If I had to guess, I would say she’s in her early thirties, but she seems younger.

  I think about her job offer for the rest of my shift. It’s probably a no brainer but I’ve become comfortable with my current routine. I know what’s expected. I know I can handle my course load and my shifts at the coffee house. This opportunity has a whole lot of unknown to it for me. Chip’s not home when I get off of work. It’s Friday night, and he’s likely with his latest arm candy. Our conversation will have to wait until tomorrow. When I first moved in with Chip, I wondered if my living with him was affecting his social life. I learned pretty quickly I wasn’t and have gotten very good at making conversation with his conquests every Saturday morning.

  Chip’s making some eggs, and Allison, his latest lady, is sitting at the breakfast bar in his robe when I walk in. She was here last weekend too. He must really like her. I mumble a greeting to the both of them before pouring myself some orange juice and sitting on the stool next to Allison. I tell them all about Helen and her offer. Chip and Allison are both realtors. They don’t work for the same company but had met at an open house for one of Allison's clients. They work with accountants regularly and are familiar and impressed with the group Helen is in.

  Chip says it’s the kind of place I would be lucky to get my foot in the door. That in itself is an overwhelming concept. I’m still in my first year of school. Do I even want to put my foot in any doors yet? That whole ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’ question still plagues me. I do not know the answer. I'm not even sure when I will know the answer, but I do know I want to be a suc
cess. Now, knowing more about the group Helen works for, I decide to go for it. It’s the decision that changes my life.

  Helen’s thrilled when I give her the news on Monday. My current boss, Danny, is less excited but still wishes me the best. My first few weeks with Pickering, Coleman, and Van Arsdale are awful. Moving into the world of finance is not unlike learning a new language, one that includes a lot of numbers. As promised, Helen does work around my course schedule. This job consumes me in a way that at the end of each day I’m so mentally exhausted, I collapse into bed. I’m almost too busy to think about Will. Almost.

  He’s every brown-haired boy to me. Sometimes I question my sanity, so certain I see him in a crowd. I still check his horoscope every day, crying myself sick whenever it mentions romance. I wonder what he’s doing, and if he ever thinks of me. I want to be angry at him. I will myself to be. Thinking of him in that way feels safer for me. I embrace my role as the injured party. Is that fair? Probably not. It’s self preservation. That and avoiding any conversations that involve my going home. I use my schedule as a crutch, as my reason I just cannot go home. It’s only partly true. I am busy but I accrue vacation time so I have the option available to me. Instead, I bank my vacation time to take time off during finals.

  The real reason I don’t want to go home is Will. I have submersed myself in Trenton, almost using this city as a blanket. The distance protects me both from knowing what anyone is doing back home to having anyone know about me. I want to be forgotten. I want to forget them. My parents come out to visit me a couple of times while I’m in school. I get my fear of flying from my father. They would probably come out more often if it had not been for that. Brian comes out to visit me once. It’s the year after I graduate and start sharing an apartment with Sawyer. She’s out of town visiting some friends in Canada.

  I’m still working for Helen but now full-time. Brian’s in his grunt years at his law firm and is enjoying the break. It’s summertime, and we go hiking. I remember him complaining about his retirement plan at work. His company is going away from the pension-style plan to a heavier 401k-style with discretionary additional contributions from his employer. He’s annoyed because the paperwork is a mess. Then something had been misfiled, so he would be missing the additional deposit this year.

  That’s not the first time I had heard that type of complaint. Working with Helen, who specializes in dealing with complex tax filings, I know how important a qualified contribution can be to someone's tax liabilities. There are so many different types of retirement plans out there that many of her clients don’t know until after meeting with her that another type of plan may have been more favorable for them. Many of Helen's clients never follow up on the recommendation of establishing a different type of plan because all of the paperwork seems too daunting. That's when I have the idea of creating a service to do that part. I learn after talking to Helen that my idea is not unique. There are companies, or individuals, in existence who already do this. Doesn’t mean they can’t use a little competition.

  Chapter 23

  Present

  He's quiet on the ride over to Brian and Christine's condo. He laughs when I press the button to open the sunroof. I shrug and cross my arms across my chest. I'm trying to have an open mind, but I'm more scared than I care to admit. What if this doesn’t work out? Not tonight, but in general. I never truly got over Will. I cannot imagine trying to again. I sit there, actually thinking how feasible it can be to run my company remotely from Georgia or move it out here altogether. I stop thinking when I notice Will is parking. I look up and hesitate. I'm nervous about being alone with him.

  He can tell I'm about to say something. He leans over to kiss me. "Shut," he punctuates each word with a kiss, "up."

  I bite his lower lip, and he stills. I release his lip and meet his gaze.

  "I've been dreaming about having you in my arms again for seven years, Sarah."

  I don’t trust my voice and am blinking wetness away from my eyes. I mouth 'me too.’ He gets out and walks around to open my door. I feel a bit awkward walking into my brother's complex without him.

  "Did you know I used to live here?" he asks, taking my hand in his.

  "Christine told me. She pointed out your old place form their balcony. Said something about you and Brian trying to play catch between both places."

  He laughs and rubs his hand over his face before smiling down at me. "It was fun living here. I miss that place."

  His thumb sweeps back and forth across the back of my hand as we wait for the elevator.

  He leans and kisses the spot right below my ear. "’Member that thing I said about you holding your breath when you think your heart is pounding?" My eyes flick to his. "You're doing it right now," he whispers in my ear, then laughs when my mouth drops open.

  We both look up at the sound of the elevator’s arrival. Will captures my mouth the moment the elevator door closes behind us and doesn’t release it until it dings to let us know we've reached our floor.

  I push off his chest. "Remember we're just talking tonight."

  He nods, but his eyes say another thing altogether. He takes one of my hands from his chest and pulls my bag behind us as we walk to the door of Brian and Christine's place. Their place seems smaller with Will inside it, his height making the high ceilings seem less so. Maybe it's my feelings towards him.

  "Want a drink, Miller Lite?"

  I have to laugh. "No one has called me that in…"

  His hands cup my face. "Seven years?"

  I nod as he lowers his lips to mine. I lose myself for a moment before turning my face away from him.

  "Will, we need to talk."

  His lips move to my jaw line. "This is more fun."

  "Will, I leave the day after tomorrow."

  He nips my earlobe before pulling back and smirking at me. "Drink?"

  I need a clear head. "Just water."

  I sit in one of their armchairs while Will goes to the kitchen to get our drinks. He makes a face at me when he sees where I'm sitting. I sat here on purpose so he can’t touch me. His fingers brush mine as he hands me my glass. He sets his beer on the coffee table and removes his bow tie. I watch riveted as he tugs his dress shirt from his pants and unbuttons it. He has a white undershirt on, and once his dress shirt is off and draped over the back of the other armchair, he sits on the sofa and takes a drink of his beer.

  Neither of us had said anything while he was taking it off, and I feel uncomfortable now having stared at him so intently while he did it. I flush, turning to look away, and take a loud gulp of my water.

  "Alright, Sarah. Let’s talk."

  I take a deep breath and let out a whoosh of air. "I'm scared, Will." There, I said it. "This whole thing scares me. I have no idea what we're doing, and it's all happening so fast, and then there's the fact that I live in Colorado and you live here and you have your hands full with your mom. You have to know I'm a planner. This not knowing what is going to happen is not something I'm good at."

  He quietly chews on the corner of his mouth and stands, walking over to me and scooping me up into his arms before I can react. He turns and walks back to the sofa as I wiggle and complain in his arms.

  He sits, holding me in his lap, his lips at my ear. "I'm scared too, Sarah, but I know that this is going to work out. You and I are going to happen. There isn’t anyone else for me. I'm not going to let you run again, I'm not. Things might suck for a bit while we figure all the details out, but we can't let that stop us from being together. Did you ever think we would have a normal relationship? Does that even exist? Our feelings are as real as it gets. When I kiss you, it's real. I know you feel it too. I feel like I've been sleep walking for the last seven years, and then I saw you on the plane, and it was like I was awake again."

  I sag against him. I want to believe him. I do.

  He eases back further onto the sofa, and I move with him, my head on his chest.

  Trailing his fingertips up and down my back, he
goes on. "I was wondering if you'd tell me more about your company. How many people work for you? Is there any possibility of you moving here and working remotely?"

  I nervously spin my ring as I think about it, Will patiently waiting for me to say something. "Counting me, there are five of us. I guess it doesn’t really matter where I'm based because of all the traveling I do. I'm usually out of the office at least three days a week anyways. I just don’t know. My team is more than just employees to me. They’re my friends. I think I need to wait until I'm back home to talk it out with my team. We've talked in the past about not renewing the lease on our office space and working remotely instead. Maybe I could move back if I did that." I look up at him and see his grin. "Don’t get too excited. I'm just throwing out ideas. I want to talk with my team first."

  He doesn’t stop smiling and leans forward to kiss my forehead. "It'd mean a lot to me if you would come over tomorrow and talk to my mom with me."

  I tense, and he feels it. "Please, Sarah."

  "I'm not sure that's a good idea, Will."

  He rubs his hand through his hair and sighs. I hate that I'm still intimidated by her, even after all of these years. Her words still cause me pain, but I have to think about Will and what is important to him.

  "If you want me to, I'll go," I say after some time.

  He crushes me to his chest. "If I want you to? Does that hold for everything?" His voice is husky in my ear.

  I laugh. "You are impossible."

  His lips move to my neck. "Haven't we talked enough?" he murmurs against my skin.

  "Will." He ignores me. "Will!" Still ignores me. "WILL!"

  He lifts his head. "Yes, dear?"