The Case of the Lovable Labs

by B R Snow

  Captain woofed his displeasure.

  “What a good boy,” I said, rubbing the dog’s head. “You tell her.”

  Chapter 18

  As I expected, all seven dogs were soon sprawled out in the bow sound asleep and softly snoring. We all headed to the stern where the rest of the group was snacking and sipping wine, except for Trudy and Charlotte who were still pounding Kamikazes and getting louder by the minute. I built a small nosh plate of egg rolls and assorted deli items and sat down between Josie and Chef Claire. Jessie was having a quiet conversation with Missy, and my mom was doing an amazing job of feigning interest in whatever Jill’s mother was babbling about. I spotted Jill sitting by herself staring out at the water, eventually made eye contact, and raised my glass to her in a silent toast. She gave me a small smile, returned the toast, then her eyes drifted back out over the water. Faith was also sitting by herself with her legs tucked under her and an angry, frozen glare that looked like it had been etched on.

  “What’s up with Beelzebub?” I said.

  “She’s looked like that since she sat down,” Josie said. “I don’t think she’s a big fan of being out on the River.”

  “One more reason to hate her.”

  “Exactly,” Josie said, sneaking a peek over at Faith. “She sure looks like she wants to kill somebody.”

  “She’s probably still mad you pushed her in the water,” I said with a grin.

  “For the last time, she fell in. What’s the deal with Jessie?” Josie whispered.

  “She seems like a good kid,” I whispered back. “But she’s obviously had a rough life. She was orphaned at six, then bounced around foster homes until she started college.”

  “Poor kid,” Josie said softly, then leaned in closer. “And?”

  “And she’d been sleeping with him,” I said.

  “Interesting. Eternal love?”

  “No, not even close. I think it was more of a notch in the belt kind of thing.”

  “The pig,” Josie said, shaking her head in disgust.

  “No, a notch in the belt for her. Not him.”

  “Really?” Josie whispered with a frown. “Well, I suppose it can cut both ways. The young student becomes infatuated with an older man and decides to see if it’s worth it.”

  “You ever do it?”

  “What? The notch in the belt thing?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And ruin a perfectly good belt?” she deadpanned.

  I laughed loud enough to draw the attention of the others.

  “Don’t mind me,” I said, waving it off. “Josie was just sharing a fashion tip.”

  “Make sure you take good notes, darling.”

  “Funny, Mom.”

  “What time is he supposed to call?” Josie whispered.

  “It should be any minute now,” I said, glancing at my watch that read a quarter to three.

  “Do you really think this is going to work?”

  “I don’t know. It’s kinda like fishing,” I said. “You try to pick the best spot and use the bait you think is going to work, but, at some point, you just have to toss your line in the water and wait for something to bite.”

  “Except if this thing blows up, you won’t be the bait. You’ll be the one left flopping on the bank with a mouthful of cyanide.”

  “Nothing gets past you,” I said, gently punching her on the shoulder.

  My phone buzzed, and I answered quickly.

  “This is Suzy.”

  “Chief Abrams reporting for duty,” he said. “I’ve got you on speaker. Detective Williams is here with me.”

  “Oh, hi, Chief Abrams,” I said, loud enough for everyone on the boat to hear. “What’s up?”

  “You said to call you around three, so here I am. What do you feel like talking about? How about the weather? Low seventies, gentle breeze out of the west. It must be a gorgeous day to be out on the River. Or maybe you’d like to discuss your love life? But I guess that would be a very short conversation… Are you having fun yet?”

  “No,” I said softly, squeezing the phone a bit tighter.

  “This is going to be great,” the Chief said, laughing. “I get to say anything I want, and all you’ll be able to do is grin and bear it.”

  “I guess we’ll see about that, Chief,” I said casually as I glanced around the boat. “I see. That’s very good news.”

  “Did you know I went to the zoo the other day?” the Chief said.

  “Really?” I said. “You have been busy.”

  “And the only thing in the zoo was a single dog,” the Chief said.

  “Okay.”

  “Yeah, it was a Shih Tzu,” he said, roaring with laughter.

  “I’m not sure I understand,” I said into the phone. It was true, I didn’t get the joke.

  “Think about it,” the Chief said.

  “Oh, okay. Now I understand,” I said as my neurons finally made the connection. I shook my head and switched the phone to my other ear. “Today, really? I’m surprised.”

  “A dog walks into a bar and orders a martini,” the Chief said.

  “Uh-huh,” I said, nodding as I glanced around at everyone who continued to watch me closely.

  “And the bartender puts the martini down on the bar and tells the dog it’s twenty bucks. Then the bartender says, you know we don’t get many dogs in here.”

  “At those prices, I’m not surprised,” I blurted.

  “Oh, you’ve heard it,” the Chief said. “Then how about this one? What do you call a dog magician? …Are you trying to figure it out?

  “No.”

  “You’re just wondering how you can manage to work labracadabrador into the conversation, aren’t you?”

  “Yup.”

  “I’ll be here all week,” he said, laughing.

  “Well, thanks for the call, Chief,” I said, making a mental note to make him pay for his little stunt. “Yes, they’re all here on the boat. Yes, I’m sure they’ll be very happy to hear the good news.”

  “Suzy?” the Chief said, turning serious.

  “Yes?”

  “We’re meeting with Henrietta at six-thirty in her office,” he said. “She wants to go over everything again we talked about on the phone. Try not to be late.”

  “Got it. Thanks for calling, Chief.”

  I put my phone away and glanced around.

  “As I’m sure you heard, that was Chief Abrams. He just got a call from Upstate Medical.”

  “You mentioned something about good news?” Jill’s mother said.

  “Yes, Bill came out of his coma early this morning,” I said. “And he’s being discharged from intensive care.”

  I waited several seconds for the comments and sighs of relief to finish, then continued.

  “He’s being transferred back to the Clay Bay hospital as we speak,” I said.

  “What?” Faith said, frowning. “How is that possible? The guy just came out of a coma.”

  “Apparently, Upstate is at capacity and needs the bed. And his doctor said that Bill was okay to make the trip. His vitals are all good, and the doctor thinks that in a few days he might even be able to go home.”

  “Is he talking yet?” Jill’s mother said, leaning forward.

  “No, according to what the Chief heard, he’s still pretty out of it. And they’re going to keep him in isolation tonight just to be safe. But there’s a good chance he’ll be lucid in the morning. Maybe even able to handle some visitors.”

  “I don’t get it,” Faith said, shaking her head. “Something about this doesn’t seem right.”

  “I would have thought you’d be happy your father was going to recover,” Jennifer said, glaring at her daughter.

  “I am happy,” Faith snapped.

  “That’s her happy face? Geez, no wonder she’s still single,” Josie whispered as she leaned closer.

  “You’re one to talk.”

  “Hey, at least I have a happy face,” she said, her voice rising a notch.

&nb
sp; “Shhh,” I whispered. “I want to hear this.”

  “That’s amazing,” Charlotte said, draining what was left of her drink. “He’s one tough son of a gun, huh?”

  “Apparently,” Trudy said, reaching for the pitcher of Kamikazes. “And incredibly lucky.”

  “What was that comment about prices, darling?”

  “Oh, Chief Abrams was just talking about how much the bill is going to be for two nights in the ICU,” I said, lying through my teeth.

  “Well, I’m sure not paying it,” Jennifer said, scowling.

  “Nobody expects you to pay his hospital bill, Mom,” Jill said.

  “I’m just saying.”

  “Have they been able to confirm he was poisoned?” Missy said.

  “They have,” I said, nodding. “They found trace amounts of cyanide.”

  “Only trace amounts?” Faith said, frowning. “How the heck could that have happened?”

  “I’m not sure I understand your question,” I said, staring at her.

  “Me either,” Missy said.

  Faith caught the looks everyone was giving her and flushed red with embarrassment.

  “I’m just wondering how he only got a small dose,” she said, recovering quickly. “Obviously, whoever tried to poison him didn’t do a very good job.”

  “Don’t worry. I’m sure whoever did it will do a better job the next time, right, Faith?” Missy said, glaring at her.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Faith said.

  “I thought I was perfectly clear,” Missy said, then took a sip of wine.

  “Whatever you say, Godmother,” Faith said, giving Missy her death-stare.

  “Drop it, Faith,” Jill said.

  “Yeah, the little princess and her fairy godmother,” Faith said, shaking her head as she glanced over at her sister. “You get the hotshot professor. I’m stuck with Madame Kamikaze over there.”

  “Faith, stop it!” Jennifer said. “I’m so sorry, Charlotte. She didn’t mean that.”

  “Like hell I didn’t,” Faith said, glaring at her mother. “Why do you care what I say about her? You two hate each other’s guts.”

  “Wow,” Charlotte said, shaking her head. “What a gene pool. This family should come with a warning label.”

  “Psychiatrist not on duty. Swim at your own risk,” Josie whispered as she tried to follow all the action.

  “Shhhh,” I said, stifling a laugh.

  “That’s enough,” Jennifer snapped at her family, then she focused on my mother. “I’m so sorry. You go to all this trouble to give us a wonderful day on the River, and this is how we repay you.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” my mother said, patting her hand. “It’s completely understandable. You’re all dealing with an enormous amount of stress.”

  I gave my mother an admiring stare. Talk about remaining calm in the teeth of a storm. I was on the edge of my seat and about two seconds away from punching Faith’s lights out then tossing her overboard. But I doubt if I could have beaten Josie to the other side of the boat.

  “Yeah,” Charlotte said, taking a sip of her fresh drink. “Stress. That must be it.”

  “I’m not stressed at all,” Faith said. “Just bored out of my mind.”

  “Will you please just shut your mouth,” Jill said, staring in disbelief at her sister.

  A tense, hushed silence fell over the boat, then I nudged Josie, and we headed for the bow to play with the dogs. They were still sleeping soundly and barely stirred. But we did receive several tail thumps that echoed softly off the fiberglass deck. My mother followed us, and I draped an arm over her shoulder.

  “How do you do it, Mom?”

  “Do what, darling?”

  “Keep your cool like that.”

  “That was nothing,” she said, shrugging. “You should see what goes on at some of the town council meetings.” She glanced back at Faith who continued to glare at everything, yet nothing in particular. “She is a vile human being.”

  “She certainly is,” Josie said.

  “Do you think she’s the killer?” my mother said.

  “She’s got my vote,” Josie said.

  “No, I don’t,” I said, shaking my head.

  “Really?” my mother said, frowning. “With that temper?”

  “She’s not smart enough to have done it,” I said, finally saying out loud what had been running through my head for the past hour. “Those murders required planning and a fair amount of calculated risk. I don’t think Faith could have pulled that off. Like her father always said, her elevator doesn’t run all the way to the top floor.”

  “So, you think you know who the killer is?” my mother said.

  “I do,” I said, nodding as I drifted off.

  “There she goes,” Josie said, laughing.

  “Darling?”

  “Yes, Mom?”

  “Are you going to tell us?”

  “No, I need to clear up a few things first,” I said, continuing to squint into the distance.

  “Darling, are you all right?”

  “I’m fine, Mom,” I said, returning to the moment and giving her a hug.

  “Good. Let’s see if we can keep it that way tonight, okay?” my mother said.

  “I’ll be fine,” I said, for the first time believing my own words. “But we should get going. I have a meeting at six-thirty.”

  “With who?” my mother said.

  “The Chief, Detective Williams, and Henrietta.”

  “Make sure you get fitted for a large gown,” Josie said. “For maximum coverage and all that.”

  “Thanks for the tip,” I said, making a face at her.

  “Hey, it’s the least I can do,” Josie said, beaming at me with an enormous grin. Then she pointed at her mouth. “Now, this is a happy face.”

  Chapter 19

  Henrietta Calhoun, like my mother, was an elegant older woman who took great pride in her appearance as well as her ability to remain active and keep making a meaningful contribution to the community. But while my mother was a dabbler who liked to stick her fingers and, in my case, her nose into as many things as possible, Henrietta’s primary focus was on the preservation and expansion of the Clay Bay hospital. I’d known her since I was a young girl, and I’d recently joined my mother as one of the biggest donors to the hospital’s foundation, and regularly helped out with many of their fundraising efforts.

  As a small-town hospital, it couldn’t offer the wide range of services and specialties common in large, urban medical centers, but what our local hospital did, it did extremely well. The place was perched on a hill overlooking the River and over the years had been the target of developers with designs on turning the property into a high-end hotel and relocating the hospital to an area of town where the views weren’t nearly as spectacular, and the price per square foot was, from the developer’s perspective, more appropriate for a community asset that operated on a non-profit basis. But Henrietta, with the support of the vast majority of local residents, had successfully beaten back every attempt, and all of the prospective developers had skulked away after learning a very valuable lesson: Don’t mess with Henrietta Calhoun.

  Thirty years into her career as administrator, Henrietta continued to watch over the operations of the hospital like a protective mama-mallard keeping a close eye on her ducklings, and she wasn’t shy about taking a nip out of anyone who threatened to disrupt its clockwork efficiency. As such, I was initially concerned about the possibility of her taking a big bite out of me when I arrived for our scheduled meeting. But it soon became apparent that instead of cranky, Henrietta was merely curious about my intentions.

  Actually, baffled is probably the more accurate term.

  “How do you manage to keep getting yourself into these messes, Suzy?” Henrietta said as she sat back in her desk chair and stared at me over the top of her steepled fingers.

  “Yeah, I know,” I said, shrugging. “I really need to start working on that.”

  “
This one seems especially…creative,” she said, raising an eyebrow at me.

  “My mother’s been coaching you, hasn’t she?” I said, reaching into my overnight satchel for a fresh bag of bite-sized.

  “No,” she said, laughing as she reached for a small handful of the chocolate delights from the bag I was holding out. “I came up with that one all by myself.”

  I offered the bag of bite-sized to Chief Abrams and Detective Williams who were sitting on either side of me, but they waved it away.

  “I had a hard time believing what you were telling me over the phone, so I thought it would be a good idea for us to meet face to face,” Henrietta said, already unwrapping her second bite-sized.

  “So you can try to talk me out of it, right?” I said, reaching back into the bag. Then I noticed both men watching me unwrap and toss the chocolate morsels into my mouth with machine-like proficiency. “I missed dinner.”

  “Suzy, I’ve known you since you were barely old enough to hold your own fishing pole,” Henrietta said, gesturing for me to move the bag closer. She grabbed another small handful. “I know better than waste my energy trying to talk you out of something once you’ve made up your mind. But I am trying to run a hospital here, so I’m sure you can understand my concern.”

  “Sure, sure,” I said, nodding as I swallowed. “But don’t worry, Henrietta. You and your staff won’t even know we’re here.”

  “And why is that?” she said, unwrapping another bite-sized.

  “Because we’re going to be over in the east wing in room one,” I said.

  “The east wing?” she said, frowning. “The east wing is closed.”

  “I know,” I said, nodding. “Hence, my comment about how you won’t even know we’re there.”

  “But that whole area is about to become a construction zone,” Henrietta said.

  “I’m very aware of that, Henrietta,” I said, remembering the number of trailing zeroes on the check I’d recently written to help fund the renovation.

  “Yes, of course,” she said, nodding. “And thanks again for the check. That was very generous of you and your mother.”

  “We were happy to do it,” I said, tossing the bag of bite-sized back into my satchel.