99% Faking It

by Chris Cannon

  “Do I look like I golf?” Trey asked, like he was disgusted by the idea.

  I laughed. Maybe this guy wasn’t so bad.

  The smell of hotdogs drifted through the air.

  “I can’t believe I’m about to say this,” Trey said. “But those hot dogs smell awesome.”

  “Watch out,” Clarissa said. “You wouldn’t want anyone to think you liked being here.”

  “Don’t worry,” Trey said. “I’ll scowl while I eat.”

  They headed over to the grill.

  “Do you want to go grab a pizza?” West asked. “Because I had hot dogs for dinner almost every night this week.”

  I knew his mom didn’t cook, but that was sad. “Sure.”

  The Slicery was crowded, but we only had to wait about ten minutes for a table. We were halfway through our sausage and pepperoni thick-crust pizza with extra cheese when Nina and Lisa walked in the door.

  Nina spotted us and headed over with a big smile for West. Lisa followed along behind her like she knew the situation was inevitable.

  “Did you know we were coming here?” Nina asked as she sat down next to him.

  “No,” West said. “I was trying to avoid hot dogs.”

  Lisa sat in the chair beside me. “So, what did you guys do tonight?”

  “Barbecue…it was kind of boring,” I said.

  “You should have come to the bookstore,” Lisa said with complete sincerity.

  “Because it’s never boring at the bookstore?” I asked.

  “Nope.” She shook her head. “Never.”

  The waitress came over and asked if they needed a menu.

  “No,” Lisa said, “I want iced tea with lemon and a small meatball pizza.”

  “Meatballs on a pizza?” I said. “That’s just wrong.”

  “Pizza is Italian,” she countered. “Meatballs are Italian. How can that be wrong?”

  “Meatballs go on spaghetti,” I pointed out. “Not on pizza crust.”

  “You’re wrong.” She grinned. “Then again, you’re probably used to being in that position, so who am I to argue?”

  “Hey, Miss Overachiever, I may not always know the answer but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong.”

  She squinted at me. “There’s the right answer and then there is the one that is the opposite of right. Wait…what do they call that? I know…wrong.”

  “Not caring about the questions doesn’t make me wrong. It just means that it’s a game I don’t want to play.”

  “So you’re opting out. That’s kind of lazy.”

  I cracked my knuckles. “I like to think of it as conserving energy.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s another word for lazy,” Lisa teased.

  “Nope. I just conserve my effort and spend energy on things that are important to me.”

  “How short is that list?” she asked.

  “Pretty short,” I admitted.

  “Am I on it?” She batted her eyelashes at me, which made me smile.

  “There is a section for book-loving, nerd-girl friends, so yeah you have a spot.”

  “I’m honored.”

  When her pizza arrived, it looked good and smelled amazing.

  “You want to try a piece, don’t you?” Lisa grabbed a slice and dropped it on my plate.

  “Since you put it on my plate, I wouldn’t want to waste food.” I picked it up and took a bite. It was better than spaghetti and meatballs. “I may have to admit I was wrong about this.”

  She grinned. “If you follow my lead, everything will work out in your favor.”

  Chapter Three

  Lisa

  The alarm went off on my cell. Noooooo. It couldn’t be morning already. Where had Saturday and Sunday gone? I needed a rewind button. I was not emotionally prepared to deal with Monday. Maybe if I ignored it, it would go away. I hit snooze and rolled over.

  “Lisa, you need to wake up,” my mom called out from the other room.

  “I don’t want to,” I hollered back.

  “I know what will get you out of bed.” I heard the microwave door open and close and then the hum of something cooking. The smell of bacon drifted into my room.

  “That’s not fair,” I called out.

  “You better get your butt in here before I eat it all.”

  Bacon was my kryptonite. It was the only thing that would get me up and moving some mornings. I threw back my Tardis bedspread and stumbled into the kitchen. Three pieces of bacon and two slices of wheat toast waited for me on the table.

  “Thank you.” I sat down and bit into a piece of salty crispy goodness. Yum.

  “You’re welcome.” She adjusted a bobby pin in the messy bun she wrangled her curly brown hair into. “I swear sometimes it feels like these things are trying to burrow into my head.”

  “What’s with the dress?” Normally she wore low-key flowy skirts and blouses but this dress was tailored and made out of stiff material like a suit.

  “In a moment of insanity, I decided I should try to look more like an adult.”

  “You mean uncomfortable and crabby?” I asked.

  “Pretty much. Remind me to burn this dress when I come home. I have to go. I have an early appointment.”

  “See you tonight.” I finished my breakfast and fantasized about crawling back into bed. Why had I stayed up until one thirty to finish my book? It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Now…not so much.

  After taking a too-long shower, I did minimal hair and makeup. I was just going to school. Not like I was trying to impress anyone. I threw on a black sweatshirt which said “Siriusly?” and my favorite comfortable jeans. Where were my black Keds? I checked in the living room, behind the bathroom door, and under my bed. Nope.

  “Accio Keds,” I said and waited for a split second to see if it might possibly work. Nope. Still a Muggle. Damn it.

  I dug out a pair of black booties that laced up like combat boots. Thank goodness there was a zipper on the side because I didn’t want to unlace those suckers every time I took them on and off. The only problem with the boots was now my fun new Harry Potter socks wouldn’t show. Whatever. I checked my cell. I needed to get my butt out the door if I didn’t want to be late.

  Because life seemed to have a strange sense of humor, I hit every red light on the way. Half a block from school, I was about to drive through an intersection on a green light when some old man and his poodle decided it was a good time to cross the road. I slammed on my brakes and prayed the guy behind me was paying attention. I heard brakes squealing and horns honking. When I checked my rearview mirror, the guy behind me was shaking his fist at me. Like this was my fault. Jerk. Once the dog and his owner were out of the street, I accelerated more slowly than I needed to, just to give the guy behind me some grief because, in my opinion, sometimes karma needed a little help. The guy took a right turn and I went back up to normal speed.

  I pulled into the Greenbrier High School parking lot and found a halfway decent spot. Maybe everyone was running a little late this morning. After turning the car off, I sat there for a moment. I didn’t have any tests today. My homework was done. I could do this, but that didn’t mean I was happy about it.

  “Monday mornings suck,” I announced to the world as I climbed out of my car.

  “We might be soul mates,” a masculine voice said from behind me.

  I turned to see a guy with cool hair, ripped jeans, and a black leather jacket striding toward me. And suddenly my morning didn’t seem so bad. I smiled at him. “You’re new.”

  “The hair gave me away, didn’t it?” He grinned. “I’m Trey.”

  “Lisa,” I said.

  “Here’s a test to see how small this town really is. If I said I’m Clarissa’s cousin, do you know who I’m talking about?”

  “Does your cousin date Charlie Patterson?” I asked as we walked toward the main entrance.

  “Damn.” He reached up and ran his fingers through his hair, brushing it back off of his face. “It’s worse than I th
ought.”

  “Greenbrier isn’t that small but my best friend Nina dates Charlie’s cousin.”

  “Should I give in and go buy a flannel shirt right now?” he asked.

  We did wear a lot of flannel at this time of year. Our town wasn’t exactly a fashion capital.

  “Maybe,” I said. “But it’s not that bad. There are three hundred people in the senior class and about twelve hundred total in the school.”

  “Could be worse, I guess.”

  “Where did you move from?”

  “Just outside of Chicago. My high school had twice as many people,” he said. “And zero to no flannel.”

  I was suddenly glad I hadn’t put on a flannel shirt this morning. “We’re halfway through March, so flannel weather should be over soon.”

  “Good to know.” We climbed the steps to the front door. “Which way is the main office?”

  I pointed to the right. “Straight that way.”

  “Thanks, Lisa. I’ll see you around.”

  “See you.” I watched him walk away. He was cute and funny and could hold a conversation. Maybe I’d found someone who was worth the drama.

  Matt, West, and Nina were already sitting at our lunch table by the time I made it there. The cafeteria smelled like sloppy joes. I was pretty sure the red stuff on the meat that wasn’t real hamburger wasn’t really barbecue sauce, so I stuck with my standard peanut butter and jelly. “So, I met Clarissa’s cousin,” I said to Nina.

  “The guy with the cool hair?” she asked.

  I nodded.

  Matt snorted.

  “Do you have an opinion you’d like to share with the class?” I asked.

  “He’s trying too hard,” Matt said.

  At least he was putting forth some sort of effort. I didn’t say that out loud because I doubt Matt would appreciate it. It’s not like he was a slob, but he didn’t seem to care about clothes. Then again, he looked like the poster boy for the broad-shouldered, all-American guy next door no matter what he wore. “Where’d you meet Trey?”

  “At Clarissa’s barbecue.” He leaned toward me. “Here’s a question for your therapist mom. Why do more girls flirt with West now that he has a girlfriend?”

  “Sounds like the wedding ring effect. The theory is that a woman in a bar wearing a ring will get hit on more than a woman without one. Must be some perverse sense of human nature to want what you can’t have.”

  Trey walked into the lunch room, talking to a girl from the acting club. She had multiple piercings in her ears and was a master of winged eyeliner. “Do you think I should wear more makeup?”

  “Why?” Matt asked.

  “I was thinking about trying a new look.”

  Matt’s gaze tracked mine. “Because of him?”

  “Maybe,” I said. “Or maybe his cool hair made me realize I don’t have to look like every other girl in this school if I don’t want to.”

  “We could go to the mall and do makeovers,” Nina said.

  “Sounds like fun.”

  …

  That night I drove Nina to the mall with a mission on my mind: find a new look I liked for myself that might attract Trey’s attention.

  “So why are we really doing this?” Nina asked.

  “Multiple reasons,” I said. “It’s my senior year. I’ve been wearing the same pink lip gloss and mascara for two years. I’m ready for a change.”

  “Your mom would tell you not to change your look for a guy,” Nina reminded me.

  “I’ve been rocking the low-maintenance nerd-girl look for years. Maybe I want to try something else. And Trey might notice me, but if he doesn’t, that’s okay.”

  At the mall, the girl behind the counter was more than happy to try and sell me hot pink eyeliner. Not going to happen. “How about something more normal…like blue.”

  She pulled out several shades of blue. “This navy would make your brown eyes really pop.”

  “Sounds painful,” I said.

  “What?”

  Apparently sarcasm wasn’t her thing. “Never mind. Let’s try the navy.”

  I let her apply the eyeliner on my left eye and watched how she did it. Then I repeated the process on my right eye. The two weren’t a perfect match, but I didn’t do too bad. The color did make my brown eyes stand out in an I’m-not-trying-too-hard kind of way.

  “We have the matching lipstick,” the girl said.

  “Blue lipstick?” Nina said like she might have misunderstood.

  “It’s really popular,” the makeup expert said, like she truly believed it.

  “I’ll stick with gloss…something darker than pale pink,” I said.

  She pulled out a burgundy tube that sparkled. I accepted the sample applicator she loaded up and handed to me. I swiped it across my lips, checked the mirror, and… Nope. “How about a color that doesn’t make me look like a vampire recently drained all the blood from my body?”

  “Yeah, that one definitely isn’t for you. Wipe it off.” She handed me a cotton ball doused in makeup remover. “And I’ll find one that will work better for your skin tone.”

  I swiped the cotton ball across my lips and yuck. It felt slimy and smelled like flowers. I grabbed a tissue and scrubbed at my lips. “That was gross.”

  The girl frowned and looked at the pump bottle she’d used to douse the cotton ball. “Sorry, that’s the moisturizer, not the makeup remover.”

  I was beginning to doubt this woman’s expertise. She must have seen the look on my face. “Sorry. They changed all the packaging and I’m still figuring out what’s what. This gloss should work for you.” She held up a hot pink tube that shimmered.

  It appeared to be a more exciting version of the one I already had. I swiped it on. Still me, but amped up a bit for fun.

  “You look good,” Nina confirmed.

  “We have a winner.”

  Nina went next, trying on a few glosses before picking one out. She passed on the eye liner. “I’m good with mascara. There are less ways to screw it up.”

  After dropping Nina off, I went home to find my mom watching movies on the Hallmark Channel and eating her way through a bag of Double Stuf Oreos.

  “Tough day at the office?” I asked.

  She patted a spot on the couch beside her. “I know that I became a relationship counselor to help people, but listening to someone else’s issues all day can be a bummer.”

  I sat and grabbed an Oreo. “I’m guessing the guidance counselors didn’t share that with you when you were picking a major.”

  “No.” She tilted her head and looked at my face. “I like the new makeup. Any special reason?”

  “Just expressing my individualism.”

  “As long as you’re doing it for yourself.” She grabbed another Oreo and twisted the top off. “Or is there a guy in the picture?”

  “There might be a new guy at school who is cute and artsy and maybe I’m trying to break out of my nerdy cocoon to become a slightly less nerdy butterfly.”

  “You are already a beautiful, short, nerdy butterfly, just like your short nerdy mom and grandmother.”

  No woman in our family made it past the five-foot-two mark. We were a short, bookish tribe. “Do we have plans for dinner?”

  She pointed at the package of Oreos and feigned confusion. “This isn’t dinner?”

  While my mom gave great relationship advice to other people, she sucked at nutrition. “That’s dessert.”

  “It’s all a matter of opinion,” she said.

  I went into the kitchen and opened the freezer. Did I want something fast or something good? It felt like a vegetable lasagna night. I set the lasagna on the counter and preheated the oven. Then I joined my mom in the living room and grabbed a red scarf I’d been working on from my yarn basket beside the couch.

  “I love that color,” my mom said.

  “Me, too.” I held the scarf up and checked to make sure the rows were even. “I might keep this one.”

  Chapter Four

 
Matt

  When I went to meet Lisa at her locker, the same way I did every morning, I did a double-take. Instead of her normal clothes, she wore some sort of green shirt and tight jeans tucked into her boots. The fact that she was a girl was way more obvious. And her lips sparkled and her eyes stood out, and wait a minute…she was looking right at me.

  “Earth to Matt,” she said. “How do you like the new me?”

  What the hell do I say to that? My knee-jerk response was to tell her she didn’t look like herself, but I had a sister and I knew that answer would land me on Lisa’s shit list. “You look good. A little much for school, but good.”

  “Thanks,” she said. “I think.”

  I wasn’t the only guy noticing that my short, book-loving friend suddenly seemed datable. Guys were checking her out. Soon she wouldn’t be available to hang out with, because someone was going to ask her on a date. Why does that thought annoy me?

  “Did someone not have enough Cap’n Crunch this morning?” Lisa asked.

  “No. I had my normal two bowls.”

  “Then why are you out of it?”

  I wanted to tell her she’d thrown what I thought of her out of whack. But before I’d friend-zoned her, she’d had a crush on me, and I wouldn’t want to make it sound like I was interested in her, because I wasn’t. “It’s Tuesday. We’re at school. You’re dressed like a pirate. Take your pick.”

  “Do you see any ruffles on this shirt?” she asked.

  “Is that a trick question?” ’Cause there were definitely some curves there but I didn’t think that was what she was talking about.

  “Everyone knows pirates wear ruffled shirts. This shirt has no ruffles. Therefore I couldn’t possibly be a pirate.”

  Who did Lisa remind me of? Jane. That was weird. Her pirate comment was just the type of thing Jane would say.

  The bell rang so we headed for homeroom. Mine was next to hers so we walked together. And damn it if Trey didn’t come walking toward us. He spotted Lisa and said, “Hey, soul mate.”

  She laughed and kept on walking.

  Lisa ducked into her homeroom before I could ask what the hell that had been about.