99% Faking It

by Chris Cannon

  I snorted. “Yeah, he’s freaking adorable.”

  “I am,” Charlie said. “Apparently I’m the twin with the looks and the brains.”

  Lisa chuckled. “What does that leave Matt?”

  “He’s better at coming up with dumb-ass schemes,” Charlie said. “So there’s that.”

  I flipped him off.

  “Enough male bonding,” Clarissa said. “I’m off work and I want to get out of here.”

  Charlie and Clarissa slid out of their side of the booth. We followed along, heading out to the parking lot.

  Chapter Seven

  Lisa

  Had I lost my freaking mind? That was the question that played on repeat in my head as we followed Clarissa and Charlie out into the cool evening air. What had I just agreed to? Why had I gone along with this? Maybe I’d been lulled into a false sense of serenity from the sugar and chocolate in the brownie sundae. That, combined with my body being too close to Matt’s, had messed up my brain waves.

  I wasn’t sure which bothered me more: the fact that Matt only thought I was good enough to pretend-date or the fact that I considered keeping the truth from Nina.

  We said our goodbyes to Clarissa and Charlie and then Matt followed me over to my car. With every step across the parking lot, doubt bounced around in my brain. The pessimistic part of my personality wanted to tell him to forget this whole crazy scheme because no one would give a crap we were dating. My positive side pointed out that Clarissa had noticed, so other people might pay some attention, too. It was interesting that I wasn’t the only person who thought Matt and I would make a good couple. Anyone who’d been wondering why we weren’t dating would take note of our new situation. That could propel me into the datable range for people who might never have paid attention to me before. So even if Trey wasn’t influenced by this strange dating experiment, other guys might see me as someone they’d want to ask out.

  Was this idea insane or genius? I didn’t know. At least it was better than the non-datable friend zone area I’d been living in lately. Still, I needed to talk to someone about the strange detour my dating life had taken to get some perspective on how bat-shit crazy this idea really was. And there was only one person I’d risk confessing the truth to. When we reached my car, I said, “I’m not going to lie to Nina.”

  “Your choice.” He stood there awkwardly with his hands shoved in his front jeans pockets.

  He didn’t have to look so enthusiastic about the situation. This was his stupid idea. I felt like giving him some grief or throwing him off balance so I said, “If we were really dating, you’d kiss me goodbye.” How would he react to that statement?

  He came closer and reached out to run his fingers down my cheek in a light caress that made my skin tingle and my heart beat faster. His eyes locked onto mine and his gaze drifted down to my lips and then back up to my eyes. “No, I wouldn’t,” he said, “because if I really liked a girl I wouldn’t want our first kiss to be in some crappy parking lot.” He dropped his hand and stepped back from me. “See you tomorrow at your locker.”

  As Matt walked away, my heart fought to return to its normal rhythm. That hadn’t worked out how I expected it. He was supposed to be thrown off kilter, not me.

  I climbed into my car and drove home in record time. Once I was in my room, I dialed Nina and told her everything, ending the gush of information with, “So what do you think?”

  A slightly judgmental silence came through the phone for a moment before Nina said, “You still like him, don’t you?”

  My brain replayed the sensation of his fingers caressing my cheek. “No. I don’t know. Maybe.”

  “Have you thought this through?” Nina asked. “Because there are so many ways this could go bad.”

  “You think I don’t know that?” I practically yelled into the phone. “Best case scenario, Trey sees me as datable and asks me out after Matt and I break up. Worst case scenario, Trey doesn’t give a rat’s ass I’m dating someone. Matt and I break up, and then I have to spend the rest of my senior year pretending to be okay with just being Matt’s friend.”

  “Maybe there’s another way this could go,” Nina said. “Matt could realize you two are meant to be together. And we could have a lot of fun trying to push him in that direction.”

  My brain felt fried from running through all the terrible ways this could explode in my face. “What do you mean?”

  “There’s nothing to say you can’t continue trying new looks…maybe sexier looks…looks that will make him regret that what’s going on between you isn’t real.”

  I laughed. “Maybe if I was some sexy femme fatale, but I’m not.”

  “You could be,” Nina said. “He’s the one suggesting you act like a couple. I say play it up for all it’s worth. Who knows, maybe both Matt and Trey will be into you and you’ll get to choose who you want for your boyfriend.”

  “Yeah, right. In case you can’t tell, I’m doing a major eye roll.”

  “If you don’t want to try and reel him in, then you need to squash your crush.”

  “I thought I had.” I moaned and lay back on the bed. “Then he touched my face and smiled at me and my crush reared back to life.”

  “On the plus side, we can officially double-date now,” Nina said.

  “By all means, ignore my emotional upheaval and figure out how this benefits your agenda.” I was only partially joking.

  “Hey, I’m trying to look on the bright side. Think of it as a social experiment.”

  I stared up at my ceiling. “Maybe I could write a paper on it. The Theory of How Guys Are Idiots and Only Want What They Can’t Have.”

  “Whatever you do, don’t let Matt know you told me the truth.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because if I think the relationship is real, then he’ll have to act out the part.”

  “Huh.” That wasn’t a bad idea. Then again, I wasn’t a good liar. “Life is complicated enough. I’m going to stick to the truth.”

  “Well, I’m still going to give him crap.”

  “I never doubted that for a second.” I laughed. Nina’s favorite form of entertainment was arguing. When I wasn’t the one she was arguing with, it was kind of amusing to watch.

  “There’s one thing you have to remember,” Nina said.

  “What’s that?”

  “If it starts to feel real for you but it’s fake for him, you need to break it off.”

  “How will I know if he has any real feelings for me? It’s not like he’s the chatty type.”

  “No, but from what I’ve seen, he’s honest.”

  “Pointing out that he’s a good guy doesn’t help the situation because it only emphasizes the fact that someone who is boyfriend material doesn’t see me as girlfriend material.”

  “It’s not too late to back out,” Nina said. “It’s not like you signed some contract.”

  “I know, but if I don’t try this then nothing changes. What’s that saying? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If I want my life to change for the better, I think I need to switch it up a little bit.”

  “Okay then, Operation Fake Boyfriend is on.”

  Chapter Eight

  Matt

  I’d lost my freaking mind. That was the only explanation. Fake dating a girl who was one of my best friends was a terrible idea. If Clarissa hadn’t forced the issue, Lisa would have shut me down. It was the stupidest idea in dating history. No way she wouldn’t end up pissed off at me. And then I’d lose her as a friend. She was the one girl I could be comfortable around who didn’t want anything from me, and I was about to screw it all up, hoping that Jane might notice me. Then there was the minor detail of Jane’s perfect boyfriend. He’d have to be out of the picture. Short of running him down with my car and burying him with the backhoe, I didn’t see Jane’s relationship ending anytime soon.

  Maybe I should call this whole stupid thing off. I poured myself a second
bowl of Cap’n Crunch and grabbed the milk from the refrigerator. Charlie came into the kitchen and made a bowl of Lucky Charms. It was one of the few things we don’t agree on. I don’t know how he can eat that crap. Marshmallows in cereal are gross.

  “Sure you don’t want some?” He shook the box at me. “After that dumb-ass move you pulled yesterday, you can use all the luck you can get.”

  I flipped him off while I chewed and swallowed. “Your girlfriend is the one who forced the issue.”

  “And your girlfriend could have told her the truth.”

  “She’s not my girlfriend,” I said.

  “Keep telling yourself that,” Charlie shot back.

  This was no big deal. That’s what I told myself as I walked toward Lisa’s locker. She’d spotted me, crossed her arms over her chest, and smiled like she knew a secret.

  I couldn’t help but smile back. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

  When I reached her, she said, “Good morning. Did you have nightmares about little kids swinging at you with brooms like you were a Voldemort piñata?”

  “No.” I scratched my head, trying to remember what I’d dreamed. “It was something about taking a test I hadn’t studied for.”

  “Isn’t that your normal life?”

  “Pretty much.” I grinned. She got me. I liked that. One of the reasons I liked being around Lisa was because I didn’t have to put on some cool guy act. I could be myself. While she might give me crap, she didn’t try to tell me what to do, like some girls I’d dated in the past.

  Nina joined us with West in tow. “It’s so exciting. Now that you guys are together we can double-date.”

  I checked with West. “What’s she talking about?”

  “She drank a double espresso on the way to school,” West said. “It’s best to smile and nod until the caffeine wears off.”

  “Come on,” Nina enthused. “It will be fun. We can go to the movies together and out to eat. Or, I know…we could go bowling.”

  Hadn’t Lisa told Nina the truth about our fake relationship? Odds were she had, and Nina was just giving me grief. “Yeah…I didn’t sign up for that.”

  “Relax,” Lisa said, “she’s not suggesting we hold hands and sing Kumbaya.”

  “Although that could be fun,” Nina said. “Oh, wait. I know. We could do karaoke.”

  “I call a veto on that last idea,” Lisa said.

  “Good call.” I had no desire to stand in front of people and fake sing a song.

  Nina laughed. “Fine. We’ll do something normal, like go to the movies or out to eat.”

  “You realize we do most of those things together already,” Lisa said.

  “Yes, but now that you’re officially dating.” She glanced at me. “It will be a lot more fun.”

  “So we weren’t fun before?” Lisa said and then she looked at me. “I might be offended.”

  Nina turned to her boyfriend. “Explain it to them.”

  West pointed at her. “This is my girlfriend, Nina. She’s slightly crazy. I have to live with her so it would be best to go along with her plans and pretend to be excited.”

  Lisa laughed. I did too because that was the only way to make it through this strange conversation. The bell rang, signaling it was time to head to homeroom. Lisa and I walked together like we did every day.

  “It’s funny,” Lisa said. “But we already do a lot of things that couples do.”

  “You mean like hanging out with Nina and West?”

  “No. Like walking to homeroom and eating lunch together.”

  She was right. “I never thought of it like that.”

  “That’s probably why Clarissa thought we should date.”

  “Probably.”

  “Here’s a question. What happens when we break up? Do we still meet at my locker and talk in the morning?”

  I hadn’t thought that far ahead. “Maybe not at first.”

  “I guess we’ll figure it out as we go along. See you later.” Lisa turned into her homeroom and I kept walking.

  Leaving things to chance didn’t seem like a great idea, especially when Nina seemed determined to give me grief. Normally, I was all about going with the flow, but maybe we could set some ground rules. I’d ask Lisa about it at lunch.

  At lunch, once we were seated I said, “Are you busy after school?”

  She shook her head no, since she’d just taken a bite of her turkey sandwich. After swallowing, she said, “Why?”

  “I thought we could hang out and talk—figure out how this dating thing is going to work.”

  She grinned. “You don’t like improvising, do you?”

  “No.”

  “I’m not sure you can plan these things, but sure. I don’t work tonight, so we can get together.”

  …

  After school, I followed Lisa back to her house. I’d never been to her place before. It was in an older section of town…still nice, but man, the houses were small. Not like my house was huge, but it was comfortable. Lisa’s house looked like something a kid had built out of brick-colored Legos.

  I parked my truck in front of her house. The good thing about this end of town was streets were wide and parking was easy. Somehow, the wide expanse of pavement made the houses look smaller. Maybe it was an optical illusion. I followed Lisa in through the front door where I walked across the living room in five strides. Not an illusion. This place was tiny. Two small recliners I’d be afraid to sit in and a small couch filled up the entire space. “This place is like a doll house.”

  “We’re small people, so we don’t need a lot of space,” Lisa said in a way that could have been defensive, but it wasn’t. She was stating a fact and wasn’t really bothered by the size of the house.

  We headed into the kitchen. I hoped it would be bigger. Nope. If I stretched my arms out I could almost touch both walls. I was starting to feel claustrophobic. Sliding glass doors showed blue lawn chairs and an umbrella table set up on the back patio and that was where I wanted to go.

  “Can we sit outside?” I’d been cooped up inside all day at school and I wanted to breathe some fresh air.

  “Sure.” She flipped the latch and slid the glass doors open. I stepped outside, taking in a lungful of air that smelled like wood smoke and grass. There was nothing but grass in the front and backyard which seemed kind of sad. “You guys need some landscaping.”

  “You might like playing in the dirt, but my mom doesn’t and neither do I. We pay the guy next door to mow the grass. It works for us.”

  She sat in one of the blue chairs, and I did the same.

  “What did you want to talk about?” she asked.

  Why did it feel like I was on a job interview? “Well…we kind of jumped into this,” I said. “We might need a game plan.”

  “Is that what we’re doing?” She tilted her head and studied me. “Playing a dating game?”

  I nodded. “Pretty much, and when this is over, I still want to be friends.”

  “Me, too. So do we put a time limit on it? Like if Trey doesn’t make a move, we give up after a month and tell everyone we worked better as friends?”

  “Sounds good.”

  “You realize we’ll have to double-date with Nina and West,” she said.

  “I know you told her the truth.”

  “I did,” Lisa said. “But she’s been dying for me to find a boyfriend so we could double-date. You’ve met her, so you know there’s no point arguing.”

  “I used to think West was stubborn, but she’s worse.”

  “Maybe that’s why they work so well together,” Lisa said.

  “I don’t know. Dating your neighbor seems like a bad idea. When they break up, it’s going to be awkward.”

  Lisa leaned toward me. Her forehead was scrunched up like she was confused or maybe angry. “What do you mean, when they break up? Why do you think they’re going to break up?”

  Angry…definitely angry. “Everyone breaks up.”

  “That’s a shitty attitude.�
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  “I’m being realistic.” Why was she getting mad about this?

  “Good thing this is a fake relationship because if it wasn’t, that would be a huge red flag that you can’t be serious about a girl.”

  “That’s not true.” I stood. “Since this isn’t real, there’s no need for us to fight about it. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

  “Seriously?” Lisa said. “You’re going to bail in the middle of a conversation?”

  “It’s a stupid conversation.”

  “Wow. We veer away from the friend zone for twenty-four hours and you turn into a dick. Good to know.” She stood and headed into the house, slamming the patio door.

  Well, hell. Did I go after her to smooth this over or leave? Leaving would be the easiest thing to do, but I didn’t want to lose her as a friend so I headed back into the house. She was sitting on the couch in the living room eating from a bag of Oreos.

  What could I say? Best to stick with the truth. “I have no idea what just happened.”

  “I can sum it up in two words. Commitment phobic. The idea of being in a relationship with one girl makes you panic. I don’t get it. I’ve seen you in dating action. It’s not like you’re a player. You pay attention to a girl for a while, and then as soon as she starts coming around on a regular basis, you lose interest. We should call this whole fake dating thing off, because friend-you I like. Boyfriend-you I don’t.”

  I ran my hand back through my hair. I needed a few weeks to see if Jane would notice me. Not that she’d dump Mr. Perfect, but if they ever broke up she might see me as boyfriend material. “Give me three weeks. After that, you can sign on for longer if Trey hasn’t noticed you, or you can dump me.”

  She pried open an Oreo and ate the side with the icing.

  “Promise not to be a dick?” she said.

  “I’ll do my best.”

  “Okay, then I’ll give you three weeks.”

  Chapter Nine

  Lisa

  After Matt left, I finished off two more Oreos. Was this a mistake? How could friend-Matt be so nice while Boyfriend-Matt was such a tool? Maybe it was a good thing we weren’t really dating. I didn’t get it. Why would he think all relationships were destined to end? He was one of the few people I knew whose parents were still together. You’d think he’d have a more positive outlook on life.