Collected Works of Giovanni Boccaccio

by Giovanni Boccaccio

  Filostrato’s story, which elicited not a little laughter, was no sooner ended, than the queen bade Filomena follow suit. Wherefore thus Filomena began: — As, gracious ladies, ’twas the name of Maso del Saggio that prompted Filostrato to tell the story that you have but now heard, even so ’tis with me in regard of Calandrino and his comrades, of whom I am minded to tell you another story, which you will, I think, find entertaining. Who Calandrino, Bruno and Buffalmacco were, I need not explain; you know them well enough from the former story; and therefore I will tarry no longer than to say that Calandrino had a little estate not far from Florence, which his wife had brought him by way of dowry, and which yielded them yearly, among other matters, a pig; and ’twas his custom every year in the month of December to resort to the farm with his wife, there to see to the killing and salting of the said pig. Now, one of these years it so happened that his wife being unwell, Calandrino went thither alone to kill the pig. And Bruno and Buffalmacco learning that he was gone to the farm, and that his wife was not with him, betook them to the house of a priest that was their especial friend and a neighbour of Calandrino, there to tarry a while. Upon their arrival Calandrino, who had that very morning killed the pig, met them with the priest, and accosted them, saying:— “A hearty welcome to you. I should like you to see what an excellent manager I am;” and so he took them into his house, and shewed them the pig. They observed that ’twas a very fine pig; and learned from Calandrino that he was minded to salt it for household consumption. “Then thou art but a fool,” quoth Bruno. “Sell it, man, and let us have a jolly time with the money; and tell thy wife that ’twas stolen.” “Not I,” replied Calandrino: “she would never believe me, and would drive me out of the house. Urge me no further, for I will never do it.” The others said a great deal more, but to no purpose; and Calandrino bade them to supper, but so coldly that they declined, and left him.

  Presently:— “Should we not steal this pig from him to-night?” quoth Bruno to Buffalmacco. “Could we so?” returned Buffalmacco. “How?” “Why, as to that,” rejoined Bruno, “I have already marked how it may be done, if he bestow not the pig elsewhere.” “So be it, then,” said Buffalmacco: “we will steal it; and then, perchance, our good host, Master Priest, will join us in doing honour to such good cheer?” “That right gladly will I,” quoth the priest. Whereupon:— “Some address, though,” quoth Bruno, “will be needful: thou knowest, Buffalmacco, what a niggardly fellow Calandrino is, and how greedily he drinks at other folk’s expense. Go we, therefore, and take him to the tavern, and there let the priest make as if, to do us honour, he would pay the whole score, and suffer Calandrino to pay never a soldo, and he will grow tipsy, and then we shall speed excellent well, because he is alone in the house.”

  As Bruno proposed, so they did: and Calandrino, finding that the priest would not suffer him to pay, drank amain, and took a great deal more aboard than he had need of; and the night being far spent when he left the tavern, he dispensed with supper, and went home, and thinking to have shut the door, got him to bed, leaving it open. Buffalmacco and Bruno went to sup with the priest; and after supper, taking with them certain implements with which to enter Calandrino’s house, where Bruno thought it most feasible, they stealthily approached it; but finding the door open, they entered, and took down the pig, and carried it away to the priest’s house, and having there bestowed it safely, went to bed. In the morning when Calandrino, his head at length quit of the fumes of the wine, got up, and came downstairs and found that his pig was nowhere to be seen, and that the door was open, he asked this, that, and the other man, whether they wist who had taken the pig away, and getting no answer, he began to make a great outcry:— “Alas, alas! luckless man that I am, that my pig should have been stolen from me!” Meanwhile Bruno and Buffalmacco, being also risen, made up to him, to hear what he would say touching the pig. Whom he no sooner saw, than well-nigh weeping he called them, saying:— “Alas! my friends! my pig is stolen from me.” Bruno stepped up to him and said in a low tone:—”’Tis passing strange if thou art in the right for once.” “Alas!” returned Calandrino, “what I say is but too true.” “Why, then, out with it, man,” quoth Bruno, “cry aloud, that all folk may know that ’tis so.” Calandrino then raised his voice and said:— “By the body o’ God I say of a truth that my pig has been stolen from me.” “So!” quoth Bruno, “but publish it, man, publish it; lift up thy voice, make thyself well heard, that all may believe thy report.” “Thou art enough to make me give my soul to the Enemy,” replied Calandrino. “I say — dost not believe me? — that hang me by the neck if the pig is not stolen from me!” “Nay, but,” quoth Bruno, “how can it be? I saw it here but yesterday. Dost think to make me believe that it has taken to itself wings and flown away?” “All the same ’tis as I tell thee,” returned Calandrino. “Is it possible?” quoth Bruno. “Ay indeed,” replied Calandrino; “’tis even so: and I am undone, and know not how to go home. Never will my wife believe me; or if she do so, I shall know no peace this year.” “Upon my hope of salvation,” quoth Bruno, “’tis indeed a bad business, if so it really is. But thou knowest, Calandrino, that ’twas but yesterday I counselled thee to make believe that ’twas so. I should be sorry to think thou didst befool thy wife and us at the same time.” “Ah!” vociferated Calandrino, “wilt thou drive me to despair and provoke me to blaspheme God and the saints and all the company of heaven? I tell thee that the pig has been stolen from me in the night.” Whereupon:— “If so it be,” quoth Buffalmacco, “we must find a way, if we can, to recover it.” “Find a way?” said Calandrino: “how can we compass that?” “Why,” replied Buffalmacco, “’tis certain that no one has come from India to steal thy pig: it must have been one of thy neighbours, and if thou couldst bring them together, I warrant thee, I know how to make the assay with bread and cheese, and we will find out in a trice who has had the pig.” “Ay,” struck in Bruno, “make thy assay with bread and cheese in the presence of these gentry hereabout, one of whom I am sure has had the pig! why, the thing would be seen through: and they would not come.” “What shall we do, then?” said Buffalmacco. Whereto Bruno made answer:— “It must be done with good pills of ginger and good vernaccia; and they must be bidden come drink with us. They will suspect nothing, and will come; and pills of ginger can be blessed just as well as bread and cheese.” “Beyond a doubt, thou art right,” quoth Buffalmacco; “and thou Calandrino, what sayst thou? Shall we do as Bruno says?” “Nay, I entreat you for the love of God,” quoth Calandrino, “do even so: for if I knew but who had had the pig, I should feel myself half consoled for my loss.” “Go to, now,” quoth Bruno, “I am willing to do thy errand to Florence for these commodities, if thou givest me the money.”

  Calandrino had some forty soldi upon him, which he gave to Bruno, who thereupon hied him to Florence to a friend of his that was an apothecary, and bought a pound of good pills of ginger, two of which, being of dog-ginger, he caused to be compounded with fresh hepatic aloes, and then to be coated with sugar like the others; and lest they should be lost, or any of the others mistaken for them, he had a slight mark set upon them by which he might readily recognize them. He also bought a flask of good vernaccia, and, thus laden, returned to the farm, and said to Calandrino:— “To-morrow morning thou wilt bid those whom thou suspectest come hither to drink with thee: as ‘twill be a saint’s day, they will all come readily enough; and to-night I and Buffalmacco will say the incantation over the pills, which in the morning I will bring to thee here, and for our friendship’s sake will administer them myself, and do and say all that needs to be said and done.” So Calandrino did as Bruno advised, and on the morrow a goodly company, as well of young men from Florence, that happened to be in the village, as of husbandmen, being assembled in front of the church around the elm, Bruno and Buffalmacco came, bearing a box containing the ginger, and the flask of wine, and ranged the folk in a circle. Whereupon: “Gentlemen,” said Bruno, “’tis meet I tell you the reason why you are gather
ed here, that if aught unpleasant to you should befall, you may have no ground for complaint against me. Calandrino here was the night before last robbed of a fine pig, and cannot discover who has had it; and, for that it must have been stolen by some one of us here, he would have each of you take and eat one of these pills and drink of this vernaccia. Wherefore I forthwith do you to wit, that whoso has had the pig will not be able to swallow the pill, but will find it more bitter than poison, and will spit it out; and so, rather, than he should suffer this shame in presence of so many, ‘twere perhaps best that he that has had the pig should confess the fact to the priest, and I will wash my hands of the affair.”

  All professed themselves ready enough to eat the pills; and so, having set them in a row with Calandrino among them, Bruno, beginning at one end, proceeded to give each a pill, and when he came to Calandrino he chose one of the pills of dog-ginger and put it in his hand. Calandrino thrust it forthwith between his teeth and began to chew it; but no sooner was his tongue acquainted with the aloes, than, finding the bitterness intolerable, he spat it out. Now, the eyes of all the company being fixed on one another to see who should spit out his pill, Bruno, who, not having finished the distribution, feigned to be concerned with nought else, heard some one in his rear say:— “Ha! Calandrino, what means this?” and at once turning round, and marking that Calandrino had spit out his pill:— “Wait a while,” quoth he, “perchance ’twas somewhat else that caused thee to spit: take another;” and thereupon whipping out the other pill of dog-ginger, he set it between Calandrino’s teeth, and finished the distribution. Bitter as Calandrino had found the former pill, he found this tenfold more so; but being ashamed to spit it out, he kept it a while in his mouth and chewed it, and, as he did so, tears stood in his eyes that shewed as large as filberts, and at length, being unable to bear it any longer, he spat it out, as he had its predecessor. Which being observed by Buffalmacco and Bruno, who were then administering the wine, and by all the company, ’twas averred by common consent that Calandrino had committed the theft himself; for which cause certain of them took him severely to task.

  However, the company being dispersed, and Bruno and Buffalmacco left alone with Calandrino, Buffalmacco began on this wise:— “I never doubted but that thou hadst had it thyself, and wast minded to make us believe that it had been stolen from thee, that we might not have of thee so much as a single drink out of the price which thou gottest for it.” Calandrino, with the bitterness of the aloes still on his tongue, fell a swearing that he had not had it. Whereupon:— “Nay, but, comrade,” quoth Buffalmacco, “upon thy honour, what did it fetch? Six florins?” Whereto, Calandrino being now on the verge of desperation, Bruno added:— “Now be reasonable, Calandrino; among the company that ate and drank with us there was one that told me that thou hadst up there a girl that thou didst keep for thy pleasure, giving her what by hook or by crook thou couldst get together, and that he held it for certain that thou hadst sent her this pig. And thou art grown expert in this sort of cozenage. Thou tookest us one while adown the Mugnone a gathering black stones, and having thus started us on a wild-goose chase, thou madest off; and then wouldst fain have us believe that thou hadst found the stone: and now, in like manner, thou thinkest by thine oaths to persuade us that this pig which thou hast given away or sold, has been stolen from thee. But we know thy tricks of old; never another couldst thou play us; and, to be round with thee, this spell has cost us some trouble: wherefore we mean that thou shalt give us two pair of capons, or we will let Monna Tessa know all.” Seeing that he was not believed, and deeming his mortification ample without the addition of his wife’s resentment, Calandrino gave them the two pair of capons, with which, when the pig was salted, they returned to Florence, leaving Calandrino with the loss and the laugh against him.

  NOVEL VII.

  — A scholar loves a widow lady, who, being enamoured of another, causes him to spend a winter’s night awaiting her in the snow. He afterwards by a stratagem causes her to stand for a whole day in July, naked upon a tower, exposed to the flies, the gadflies, and the sun. —

  Over the woes of poor Calandrino the ladies laughed not a little, and had laughed yet more, but that it irked them that those that had robbed him of the pig should also take from him the capons. However, the story being ended, the queen bade Pampinea give them hers: and thus forthwith Pampinea began: — Dearest ladies, it happens oftentimes that the artful scorner meets his match; wherefore ’tis only little wits that delight to scorn. In a series of stories we have heard tell of tricks played without aught in the way of reprisals following: by mine I purpose in some degree to excite your compassion for a gentlewoman of our city (albeit the retribution that came upon her was but just) whose flout was returned in the like sort, and to such effect that she well-nigh died thereof. The which to hear will not be unprofitable to you, for thereby you will learn to be more careful how you flout others, and therein you will do very wisely.

  ’Tis not many years since there dwelt at Florence a lady young and fair, and of a high spirit, as also of right gentle lineage, and tolerably well endowed with temporal goods. Now Elena — such was the lady’s name — being left a widow, was minded never to marry again, being enamoured of a handsome young gallant of her own choosing, with whom she, recking nought of any other lover, did, by the help of a maid in whom she placed much trust, not seldom speed the time gaily and with marvellous delight. Meanwhile it so befell that a young nobleman of our city, Rinieri by name, who had spent much time in study at Paris, not that he might thereafter sell his knowledge by retail, but that he might learn the reasons and causes of things, which accomplishment shews to most excellent advantage in a gentleman, returned to Florence, and there lived as a citizen in no small honour with his fellows, both by reason of his rank and of his learning. But as it is often the case that those who are most versed in deep matters are the soonest mastered by Love, so was it with Rinieri. For at a festal gathering, to which one day he went, there appeared before his eyes this Elena, of whom we spoke, clad in black, as is the wont of our Florentine widows, and shewing to his mind so much fairer and more debonair than any other woman that he had ever seen, that happy indeed he deemed the man might call himself, to whom God in His goodness should grant the right to hold her naked in his arms. So now and again he eyed her stealthily, and knowing that boons goodly and precious are not to be gotten without trouble, he made up his mind to study and labour with all assiduity how best to please her, that so he might win her love, and thereby the enjoyment of her.

  The young gentlewoman was not used to keep her eyes bent ever towards the infernal regions; but, rating herself at no less, if not more, than her deserts, she was dexterous to move them to and fro, and thus busily scanning her company, soon detected the men who regarded her with pleasure. By which means having discovered Rinieri’s passion, she inly laughed, and said:— ‘Twill turn out that ’twas not for nothing that I came here to-day, for, if I mistake not, I have caught a gander by the bill. So she gave him an occasional sidelong glance, and sought as best she might to make him believe that she was not indifferent to him, deeming that the more men she might captivate by her charms, the higher those charms would be rated, and most especially by him whom she had made lord of them and her love. The erudite scholar bade adieu to philosophical meditation, for the lady entirely engrossed his mind; and, having discovered her house, he, thinking to please her, found divers pretexts for frequently passing by it. Whereon the lady, her vanity flattered for the reason aforesaid, plumed herself not a little, and shewed herself pleased to see him. Thus encouraged, the scholar found means to make friends with her maid, to whom he discovered his love, praying her to do her endeavour with her mistress, that he might have her favour. The maid was profuse of promises, and gave her mistress his message, which she no sooner heard, than she was convulsed with laughter, and replied:— “He brought sense enough hither from Paris: knowest thou where he has since been to lose it? Go to, now; let us give him that which he se
eks. Tell him, when he next speaks to you of the matter, that I love him vastly more than he loves me, but that I must have regard to my reputation, so that I may be able to hold my head up among other ladies; which, if he is really the wise man they say, will cause him to affect me much more.” Ah! poor woman! poor woman! she little knew, my ladies, how rash it is to try conclusions with scholars.

  The maid found the scholar, and did her mistress’s errand. The scholar, overjoyed, proceeded to urge his suit with more ardour, to indite letters, and send presents. The lady received all that he sent her, but vouchsafed no answers save such as were couched in general terms: and on this wise she kept him dangling a long while. At last, having disclosed the whole affair to her lover, who evinced some resentment and jealousy, she, to convince him that his suspicions were groundless, and for that she was much importuned by the scholar, sent word to him by her maid, that never since he had assured her of his love, had occasion served her to do him pleasure, but that next Christmastide she hoped to be with him; wherefore, if he were minded to await her in the courtyard of her house on the night of the day next following the feast, she would meet him there as soon as she could. Elated as ne’er another, the scholar hied him at the appointed time to the lady’s house, and being ushered into a courtyard by the maid, who forthwith turned the key upon him, addressed himself there to await the lady’s coming.

  Now the lady’s lover, by her appointment, was with her that evening; and, when they had gaily supped, she told him what she had in hand that night, adding:— “And so thou wilt be able to gauge the love which I have borne and bear this scholar, whom thou hast foolishly regarded as a rival.” The lover heard the lady’s words with no small delight, and waited in eager expectancy to see her make them good. The scholar, hanging about there in the courtyard, began to find it somewhat chillier than he would have liked, for it had snowed hard all day long, so that the snow lay everywhere thick on the ground; however, he bore it patiently, expecting to be recompensed by and by. After a while the lady said to her lover:— “Go we to the chamber and take a peep through a lattice at him of whom thou art turned jealous, and mark what he does, and how he will answer the maid, whom I have bidden go speak with him.” So the pair hied them to a lattice, wherethrough they could see without being seen, and heard the maid call from another lattice to the scholar, saying:— “Rinieri, my lady is distressed as never woman was, for that one of her brothers is come here to-night, and after talking a long while with her, must needs sup with her, and is not yet gone, but, I think, he will soon be off; and that is the reason why she has not been able to come to thee, but she will come soon now. She trusts it does not irk thee to wait so long.” Whereto the scholar, supposing that ’twas true, made answer:— “Tell my lady to give herself no anxiety on my account, until she can conveniently come to me, but to do so as soon as she may.” Whereupon the maid withdrew from the window, and went to bed; while the lady said to her lover:— “Now, what sayst thou? Thinkst thou that, if I had that regard for him, which thou fearest, I would suffer him to tarry below there to get frozen?” Which said, the lady and her now partly reassured lover got them to bed, where for a great while they disported them right gamesomely, laughing together and making merry over the luckless scholar.