The Great Hoggarty Diamond

by William Makepeace Thackeray

Mr. Titmarsh, No. 3 Bell Lane, Salisbury Square, near St. Bride's

  Church, Fleet Street. Ring, if you please, the two-pair bell."

  "WHAT, sir?" said Mr. Polonius.

  "HWAT!" shrieked the old lady. "Mr. Hwat? Mais, ma chere, c'est

  impayable. Come along--here's the carr'age! Give me your arm, Mr.

  Hwat, and get inside, and tell me all about your thirteen aunts."

  She seized on my elbow and hobbled through the shop as fast as

  possible; the young ladies following her, laughing.

  "Now, jump in, do you hear?" said she, poking her sharp nose out of

  the window.

  "I can't, ma'am," says I; "I have a friend."

  "Pooh, pooh! send 'um to the juice, and jump in!" And before

  almost I could say a word, a great powdered fellow in yellow-plush

  breeches pushed me up the steps and banged the door to.

  I looked just for one minute as the barouche drove away at Hoskins,

  and never shall forget his figure. There stood Gus, his mouth wide

  open, his eyes staring, a smoking cheroot in his hand, wondering

  with all his might at the strange thing that had just happened to

  me.

  "Who IS that Titmarsh?" says Gus: "there's a coronet on the

  carriage, by Jingo!"

  CHAPTER III

  HOW THE POSSESSOR OF THE DIAMOND IS WHISKED INTO A MAGNIFICENT

  CHARIOT, AND HAS YET FURTHER GOOD LUCK

  I sat on the back seat of the carriage, near a very nice young

  lady, about my dear Mary's age--that is to say, seventeen and

  three-quarters; and opposite us sat the old Countess and her other

  grand-daughter--handsome too, but ten years older. I recollect I

  had on that day my blue coat and brass buttons, nankeen trousers, a

  white sprig waist-coat, and one of Dando's silk hats, that had just

  come in in the year '22, and looked a great deal more glossy than

  the best beaver.

  "And who was that hidjus manster"--that was the way her Ladyship

  pronounced,--"that ojous vulgar wretch, with the iron heels to his

  boots, and the big mouth, and the imitation goold neck-chain, who

  STEERED at us so as we got into the carriage?"

  How she should have known that Gus's chain was mosaic I can't tell;

  but so it was, and we had bought it for five-and-twenty and

  sixpence only the week before at M'Phail's, in St. Paul's

  Churchyard. But I did not like to hear my friend abused, and so

  spoke out for him -

  "Ma'am," says I, "that young gentleman's name is Augustus Hoskins.

  We live together; and a better or more kind-hearted fellow does not

  exist."

  "You are quite right to stand up for your friends, sir," said the

  second lady; whose name, it appears, was Lady Jane, but whom the

  grandmamma called Lady Jene.

  "Well, upon me conscience, so he is now, Lady Jene; and I like

  sper't in a young man. So his name is Hoskins, is it? I know, my

  dears, all the Hoskinses in England. There are the Lincolnshire

  Hoskinses, the Shropshire Hoskinses: they say the Admiral's

  daughter, Bell, was in love with a black footman, or boatswain, or

  some such thing; but the world's so censorious. There's old Doctor

  Hoskins of Bath, who attended poor dear Drum in the quinsy; and

  poor dear old Fred Hoskins, the gouty General: I remember him as

  thin as a lath in the year '84, and as active as a harlequin, and

  in love with me--oh, how he was in love with me!"

  "You seem to have had a host of admirers in those days,

  Grandmamma?" said Lady Jane.

  "Hundreds, my dear,--hundreds of thousands. I was the toast of

  Bath, and a great beauty, too: would you ever have thought it now,

  upon your conscience and without flattery, Mr.-a-What-d'ye-call-

  'im?"

  "Indeed, ma'am, I never should," I answered, for the old lady was

  as ugly as possible; and at my saying this the two young ladies

  began screaming with laughter, and I saw the two great-whiskered

  footmen grinning over the back of the carriage.

  "Upon my word, you're mighty candid, Mr. What's-your-name--mighty

  candid indeed; but I like candour in young people. But a beauty I

  was. Just ask your friend's uncle the General. He's one of the

  Lincolnshire Hoskinses--I knew he was by the strong family

  likeness. Is he the eldest son? It's a pretty property, though

  sadly encumbered; for old Sir George was the divvle of a man--a

  friend of Hanbury Williams, and Lyttleton, and those horrid,

  monstrous, ojous people! How much will he have now, mister, when

  the Admiral dies?"

  "Why, ma'am, I can't say; but the Admiral is not my friend's

  father."

  "Not his father?--but he IS, I tell you, and I'm never wrong. Who

  is his father, then?"

  "Ma'am, Gus's father's a leatherseller in Skinner Street, Snow

  Hill,--a very respectable house, ma'am. But Gus is only third son,

  and so can't expect a great share in the property."

  The two young ladies smiled at this--the old lady said, "Hwat?"

  "I like you, sir," Lady Jane said, "for not being ashamed of your

  friends, whatever their rank of life may be. Shall we have the

  pleasure of setting you down anywhere, Mr. Titmarsh?"

  "Noways particular, my Lady," says I. "We have a holiday at our

  office to-day--at least Roundhand gave me and Gus leave; and I

  shall be very happy, indeed, to take a drive in the Park, if it's

  no offence."

  "I'm sure it will give us--infinite pleasure," said Lady Jane;

  though rather in a grave way.

  "Oh, that it will!" says Lady Fanny, clapping her hands: "won't

  it, Grandmamma? And after we have been in the Park, we can walk in

  Kensington Gardens, if Mr. Titmarsh will be good enough to

  accompany us."

  "Indeed, Fanny, we will do no such thing," says Lady Jane.

  "Indeed, but we will though!" shrieked out Lady Drum. "Ain't I

  dying to know everything about his uncle and thirteen aunts? and

  you're all chattering so, you young women, that not a blessed

  syllable will you allow me or my young friend here to speak."

  Lady Jane gave a shrug with her shoulders, and did not say a single

  word more. Lady Fanny, who was as gay as a young kitten (if I may

  be allowed so to speak of the aristocracy), laughed, and blushed,

  and giggled, and seemed quite to enjoy her sister's ill-humour.

  And the Countess began at once, and entered into the history of the

  thirteen Misses Hoggarty, which was not near finished when we

  entered the Park.

  When there, you can't think what hundreds of gents on horseback

  came to the carriage and talked to the ladies. They had their joke

  for Lady Drum, who seemed to be a character in her way; their bow

  for Lady Jane; and, the young ones especially, their compliment for

  Lady Fanny.

  Though she bowed and blushed, as a young lady should, Lady Fanny

  seemed to be thinking of something else; for she kept her head out

  of the carriage, looking eagerly among the horsemen, as if she

  expected to see somebody. Aha! my Lady Fanny, I knew what it meant

  when a young pretty lady like you was absent, and on the look-out,

  and only half answered the questions put to her. Let alone
Sam

  Titmarsh--he knows what Somebody means as well as another, I

  warrant. As I saw these manoeuvres going on, I could not help just

  giving a wink to Lady Jane, as much as to say I knew what was what.

  "I guess the young lady is looking for Somebody," says I. It was

  then her turn to look queer, I assure you, and she blushed as red

  as scarlet; but, after a minute, the good-natured little thing

  looked at her sister, and both the young ladies put their

  handkerchiefs up to their faces, and began laughing--laughing as if

  I had said the funniest thing in the world.

  "Il est charmant, votre monsieur," said Lady Jane to her

  grandmamma; and on which I bowed, and said, "Madame, vous me faites

  beaucoup d'honneur:" for I know the French language, and was

  pleased to find that these good ladies had taken a liking to me.

  "I'm a poor humble lad, ma'am, not used to London society, and do

  really feel it quite kind of you to take me by the hand so, and

  give me a drive in your fine carriage."

  At this minute a gentleman on a black horse, with a pale face and a

  tuft to his chin, came riding up to the carriage; and I knew by a

  little start that Lady Fanny gave, and by her instantly looking

  round the other way, that SOMEBODY was come at last.

  "Lady Drum," said he, "your most devoted servant! I have just been

  riding with a gentleman who almost shot himself for love of the

  beautiful Countess of Drum in the year--never mind the year."

  "Was it Killblazes?" said the lady: "he's a dear old man, and I'm

  quite ready to go off with him this minute. Or was it that delight

  of an old bishop? He's got a lock of my hair now--I gave it him

  when he was Papa's chaplain; and let me tell you it would be a hard

  matter to find another now in the same place."

  "Law, my Lady!" says I, "you don't say so?"

  "But indeed I do, my good sir," says she; "for between ourselves,

  my head's as bare as a cannon-ball--ask Fanny if it isn't. Such a

  fright as the poor thing got when she was a babby, and came upon me

  suddenly in my dressing-room without my wig!"

  "I hope Lady Fanny has recovered from the shock," said "Somebody,"

  looking first at her, and then at me as if he had a mind to swallow

  me. And would you believe it? all that Lady Fanny could say was,

  "Pretty well, I thank you, my Lord;" and she said this with as much

  fluttering and blushing as we used to say our Virgil at school--

  when we hadn't learned it.

  My Lord still kept on looking very fiercely at me, and muttered

  something about having hoped to find a seat in Lady Drum's

  carriage, as he was tired of riding; on which Lady Fanny muttered

  something, too, about "a friend of Grandmamma's."

  "You should say a friend of yours, Fanny," says Lady Jane: "I am

  sure we should never have come to the Park if Fanny had not

  insisted upon bringing Mr. Titmarsh hither. Let me introduce the

  Earl of Tiptoff to Mr. Titmarsh." But, instead of taking off his

  hat, as I did mine, his Lordship growled out that he hoped for

  another opportunity, and galloped off again on his black horse.

  Why the deuce I should have offended him I never could understand.

  But it seemed as if I was destined to offend all the men that day;

  for who should presently come up but the Right Honourable Edmund

  Preston, one of His Majesty's Secretaries of State (as I know very

  well by the almanac in our office) and the husband of Lady Jane.

  The Right Honourable Edmund was riding a grey cob, and was a fat

  pale-faced man, who looked as if he never went into the open air.

  "Who the devil's that?" said he to his wife, looking surlily both

  at me and her.

  "Oh, it's a friend of Grandmamma's and Jane's," said Lady Fanny at

  once, looking, like a sly rogue as she was, quite archly at her

  sister--who in her turn appeared quite frightened, and looked

  imploringly at her sister, and never dared to breathe a syllable.

  "Yes, indeed," continued Lady Fanny, "Mr. Titmarsh is a cousin of

  Grandmamma's by the mother's side: by the Hoggarty side. Didn't

  you know the Hoggarties when you were in Ireland, Edmund, with Lord

  Bagwig? Let me introduce you to Grandmamma's cousin, Mr. Titmarsh:

  Mr. Titmarsh, my brother, Mr. Edmund Preston."

  There was Lady Jane all the time treading upon her sister's foot as

  hard as possible, and the little wicked thing would take no notice;

  and I, who had never heard of the cousinship, feeling as confounded

  as could be. But I did not know the Countess of Drum near so well

  as that sly minx her grand-daughter did; for the old lady, who had

  just before called poor Gus Hoskins her cousin, had, it appeared,

  the mania of fancying all the world related to her, and said -

  "Yes, we're cousins, and not very far removed. Mick Hoggarty's

  grandmother was Millicent Brady, and she and my Aunt Towzer were

  related, as all the world knows; for Decimus Brady, of Ballybrady,

  married an own cousin of Aunt Towzer's mother, Bell Swift--that was

  no relation of the Dean's, my love, who came but of a so-so family-

  -and isn't THAT clear?"

  "Oh, perfectly, Grandmamma," said Lady Jane, laughing, while the

  right honourable gent still rode by us, looking sour and surly.

  "And sure you knew the Hoggarties, Edmund?--the thirteen red-haired

  girls--the nine graces, and four over, as poor Clanboy used to call

  them. Poor Clan!--a cousin of yours and mine, Mr. Titmarsh, and

  sadly in love with me he was too. Not remember them ALL now,

  Edmund?--not remember?--not remember Biddy and Minny, and Thedy and

  Widdy, and Mysie and Grizzy, and Polly and Dolly and the rest?"

  "D- the Miss Hoggarties, ma'am," said the right honourable gent;

  and he said it with such energy, that his grey horse gave a sudden

  lash out that well nigh sent him over his head. Lady Jane

  screamed; Lady Fanny laughed; old Lady Drum looked as if she did

  not care twopence, and said "Serve you right for swearing, you

  ojous man you!"

  "Hadn't you better come into the carriage, Edmund--Mr. Preston?"

  cried out the lady, anxiously.

  "Oh, I'm sure I'll slip out, ma'am," says I.

  "Pooh--pooh! don't stir," said Lady Drum: "it's my carriage; and

  if Mr. Preston chooses to swear at a lady of my years in that ojous

  vulgar way--in that ojous vulgar way I repeat--I don't see why my

  friends should be inconvenienced for him. Let him sit on the dicky

  if he likes, or come in and ride bodkin." It was quite clear that

  my Lady Drum hated her grandson-in-law heartily; and I've remarked

  somehow in families that this kind of hatred is by no means

  uncommon.

  Mr. Preston, one of His Majesty's Secretaries of State, was, to

  tell the truth, in a great fright upon his horse, and was glad to

  get away from the kicking plunging brute. His pale face looked

  still paler than before, and his hands and legs trembled, as he

  dismounted from the cob and gave the reins to his servant. I

  disliked the looks of the chap--of the master, I mean--at the first

  moment he came up, when he spoke rudely to that
nice gentle wife of

  his; and I thought he was a cowardly fellow, as the adventure of

  the cob showed him to be. Heaven bless you! a baby could have

  ridden it; and here was the man with his soul in his mouth at the

  very first kick.

  "Oh, quick! DO come in, Edmund," said Lady Fanny, laughing; and the

  carriage steps being let down, and giving me a great scowl as he

  came in, he was going to place himself in Lady Fanny's corner (I

  warrant you I wouldn't budge from mine), when the little rogue

  cried out, "Oh, no! by no means, Mr. Preston. Shut the door,

  Thomas. And oh! what fun it will be to show all the world a

  Secretary of State riding bodkin!"

  And pretty glum the Secretary of State looked, I assure you!

  "Take my place, Edmund, and don't mind Fanny's folly," said Lady

  Jane, timidly.

  "Oh no! Pray, madam, don't stir! I'm comfortable, very

  comfortable; and so I hope is this Mr.--this gentleman."

  "Perfectly, I assure you," says I. "I was going to offer to ride

  your horse home for you, as you seemed to be rather frightened at

  it; but the fact was, I was so comfortable here that really I

  COULDN'T move."

  Such a grin as old Lady Drum gave when I said that!--how her little

  eyes twinkled, and her little sly mouth puckered up! I couldn't

  help speaking, for, look you, my blood was up.

  "We shall always be happy of your company, Cousin Titmarsh," says

  she; and handed me a gold snuff-box, out of which I took a pinch,

  and sneezed with the air of a lord.

  "As you have invited this gentleman into your carriage, Lady Jane

  Preston, hadn't you better invite him home to dinner?" says Mr.

  Preston, quite blue with rage.

  "I invited him into my carriage," says the old lady; "and as we are

  going to dine at your house, and you press it, I'm sure I shall be

  very happy to see him there."

  "I'm very sorry I'm engaged," said I.

  "Oh, indeed, what a pity!" says Right Honourable Ned, still

  glowering at his wife. "What a pity that this gentleman--I forget

  his name--that your friend, Lady Jane, is engaged! I am sure you

  would have had such gratification in meeting your relation in

  Whitehall."

  Lady Drum was over-fond of finding out relations to be sure; but

  this speech of Right Honourable Ned's was rather too much. "Now,

  Sam," says I, "be a man and show your spirit!" So I spoke up at

  once, and said, "Why, ladies, as the right honourable gent is so

  VERY pressing, I'll give up my engagement, and shall have sincere

  pleasure in cutting mutton with him. What's your hour, sir?"

  He didn't condescend to answer, and for me I did not care; for, you

  see, I did not intend to dine with the man, but only to give him a

  lesson of manners. For though I am but a poor fellow, and hear

  people cry out how vulgar it is to eat peas with a knife, or ask

  three times for cheese, and such like points of ceremony, there's

  something, I think, much more vulgar than all this, and that is,

  insolence to one's inferiors. I hate the chap that uses it, as I

  scorn him of humble rank that affects to be of the fashion; and so

  I determined to let Mr. Preston know a piece of my mind.

  When the carriage drove up to his house, I handed out the ladies as

  politely as possible, and walked into the hall, and then, taking

  hold of Mr. Preston's button at the door, I said, before the ladies

  and the two big servants--upon my word I did--"Sir," says I, "this

  kind old lady asked me into her carriage, and I rode in it to

  please her, not myself. When you came up and asked who the devil I

  was, I thought you might have put the question in a more polite

  manner; but it wasn't my business to speak. When, by way of a

  joke, you invited me to dinner, I thought I would answer in a joke

  too, and here I am. But don't be frightened; I'm not a-going to