The Great Hoggarty Diamond

by William Makepeace Thackeray

himself, who ought to know, as his father was in the line, told me

  the jewel was worth at least ten poundsh, and that his governor

  would give me as much for it.

  "That's a proof," says Roundhand, "that Tit's diamond is worth at

  least thirty." And we all laughed, and agreed it was.

  Now I must confess that all these praises, and the respect that wag

  paid me, turned my head a little; and as all the chaps said I MUST

  have a black satin stock to set the stone off, was fool enough to

  buy a stock that cost me five-and-twenty shillings, at Ludlam's in

  Piccadilly: for Gus said I must go to the best place, to be sure,

  and have none of our cheap and common East End stuff. I might have

  had one for sixteen and six in Cheapside, every whit as good; but

  when a young lad becomes vain, and wants to be fashionable, you see

  he can't help being extravagant.

  Our director, Mr. Brough, did not fail to hear of the haunch of

  venison business, and my relationship with Lady Drum and the Right

  Honourable Edmund Preston: only Abednego, who told him, said I was

  her Ladyship's first cousin; and this made Brough think more of me,

  and no worse than before.

  Mr. B. was, as everybody knows, Member of Parliament for

  Rottenburgh; and being considered one of the richest men in the

  City of London, used to receive all the great people of the land at

  his villa at Fulham; and we often read in the papers of the rare

  doings going on there.

  Well, the pin certainly worked wonders: for not content merely

  with making me a present of a ride in a countess's carriage, of a

  haunch of venison and two baskets of fruit, and the dinner at

  Roundhand's above described, my diamond had other honours in store

  for me, and procured me the honour of an invitation to the house of

  our director, Mr. Brough.

  Once a year, in June, that honourable gent gave a grand ball at his

  house at Fulham; and by the accounts of the entertainment brought

  back by one or two of our chaps who had been invited, it was one of

  the most magnificent things to be seen about London. You saw

  Members of Parliament there as thick as peas in July, lords and

  ladies without end. There was everything and everybody of the tip-

  top sort; and I have heard that Mr. Gunter, of Berkeley Square,

  supplied the ices, supper, and footmen,--though of the latter

  Brough kept a plenty, but not enough to serve the host of people

  who came to him. The party, it must be remembered, was MRS.

  Brough's party, not the gentleman's,--he being in the Dissenting

  way, would scarcely sanction any entertainments of the kind: but

  he told his City friends that his lady governed him in everything;

  and it was generally observed that most of them would allow their

  daughters to go to the ball if asked, on account of the immense

  number of the nobility which our director assembled together: Mrs.

  Roundhand, I know, for one, would have given one of her ears to go;

  but, as I have said before, nothing would induce Brough to ask her.

  Roundhand himself, and Gutch, nineteenth clerk, son of the brother

  of an East Indian director, were the only two of our gents invited,

  as we knew very well: for they had received their invitations many

  weeks before, and bragged about them not a little. But two days

  before the ball, and after my diamond-pin had had its due effect

  upon the gents at the office, Abednego, who had been in the

  directors' room, came to my desk with a great smirk, and said,

  "Tit, Mr. B. says that he expects you will come down with Roundhand

  to the ball on Thursday." I thought Moses was joking,--at any

  rate, that Mr. B.'s message was a queer one; for people don't

  usually send invitations in that abrupt peremptory sort of way;

  but, sure enough, he presently came down himself and confirmed it,

  saying, as he was going out of the office, "Mr. Titmarsh, you will

  come down on Thursday to Mrs. Brough's party, where you will see

  some relations of yours."

  "West End again!" says that Gus Hoskins; and accordingly down I

  went, taking a place in a cab which Roundhand hired for himself,

  Gutch, and me, and for which he very generously paid eight

  shillings.

  There is no use to describe the grand gala, nor the number of lamps

  in the lodge and in the garden, nor the crowd of carriages that

  came in at the gates, nor the troops of curious people outside; nor

  the ices, fiddlers, wreaths of flowers, and cold supper within.

  The whole description was beautifully given in a fashionable paper,

  by a reporter who observed the same from the "Yellow Lion" over the

  way, and told it in his journal in the most accurate manner;

  getting an account of the dresses of the great people from their

  footmen and coachmen, when they came to the alehouse for their

  porter. As for the names of the guests, they, you may be sure,

  found their way to the same newspaper: and a great laugh was had

  at my expense, because among the titles of the great people

  mentioned my name appeared in the list of the "Honourables." Next

  day, Brough advertised "a hundred and fifty guineas reward for an

  emerald necklace lost at the party of John Brough, Esq., at

  Fulham;" though some of our people said that no such thing was lost

  at all, and that Brough only wanted to advertise the magnificence

  of his society; but this doubt was raised by persons not invited,

  and envious no doubt.

  Well, I wore my diamond, as you may imagine, and rigged myself in

  my best clothes, viz. my blue coat and brass buttons before

  mentioned, nankeen trousers and silk stockings, a white waistcoat,

  and a pair of white gloves bought for the occasion. But my coat

  was of country make, very high in the waist and short in the

  sleeves, and I suppose must have looked rather odd to some of the

  great people assembled, for they stared at me a great deal, and a

  whole crowd formed to see me dance--which I did to the best of my

  power, performing all the steps accurately and with great agility,

  as I had been taught by our dancing-master in the country.

  And with whom do you think I had the honour to dance? With no less

  a person than Lady Jane Preston; who, it appears, had not gone out

  of town, and who shook me most kindly by the hand when she saw me,

  and asked me to dance with her. We had my Lord Tiptoff and Lady

  Fanny Rakes for our vis-a-vis.

  You should have seen how the people crowded to look at us, and

  admired my dancing too, for I cut the very best of capers, quite

  different to the rest of the gents (my Lord among the number), who

  walked through the quadrille as if they thought it a trouble, and

  stared at my activity with all their might. But when I have a

  dance I like to enjoy myself: and Mary Smith often said I was the

  very best partner at our assemblies. While we were dancing, I told

  Lady Jane how Roundhand, Gutch, and I, had come down three in a

  cab, besides the driver; and my account of our adventures made her

  Ladyship laugh, I warrant you. Lucky it was for me that I didn't

  go back
in the same vehicle; for the driver went and intoxicated

  himself at the "Yellow Lion," threw out Gutch and our head clerk as

  he was driving them back, and actually fought Gutch afterwards and

  blacked his eye, because he said that Gutch's red waistcoat

  frightened the horse.

  Lady Jane, however, spared me such an uncomfortable ride home: for

  she said she had a fourth place in her carriage, and asked me if I

  would accept it; and positively, at two o'clock in the morning,

  there was I, after setting the ladies and my Lord down, driven to

  Salisbury Square in a great thundering carriage, with flaming lamps

  and two tall footmen, who nearly knocked the door and the whole

  little street down with the noise they made at the rapper. You

  should have seen Gus's head peeping out of window in his white

  nightcap! He kept me up the whole night telling him about the

  ball, and the great people I had seen there; and next day he told

  at the office my stories, with his own usual embroideries upon

  them.

  "Mr. Titmarsh," said Lady Fanny, laughing to me, "who is that great

  fat curious man, the master of the house? Do you know he asked me

  if you were not related to us? and I said, 'Oh, yes, you were.'"

  "Fanny!" says Lady Jane.

  "Well," answered the other, "did not Grandmamma say Mr. Titmarsh

  was her cousin?"

  "But you know that Grandmamma's memory is not very good."

  "Indeed, you're wrong, Lady Jane," says my Lord; "I think it's

  prodigious."

  "Yes, but not very--not very accurate."

  "No, my Lady," says I; "for her Ladyship, the Countess of Drum,

  said, if you remember, that my friend Gus Hoskins--"

  "Whose cause you supported so bravely," cries Lady Fanny.

  "--That my friend Gus is her Ladyship's cousin too, which cannot

  be, for I know all his family: they live in Skinner Street and St.

  Mary Axe, and are not--not quite so RESPECTABLE as MY relatives."

  At this they all began to laugh; and my Lord said, rather haughtily

  -

  "Depend upon it, Mr. Titmarsh, that Lady Drum is no more your

  cousin than she is the cousin of your friend Mr. Hoskinson."

  "Hoskins, my Lord--and so I told Gus; but you see he is very fond

  of me, and WILL have it that I am related to Lady D.: and say what

  I will to the contrary, tells the story everywhere. Though to be

  sure," added I with a laugh, "it has gained me no small good in my

  time." So I described to the party our dinner at Mrs. Roundhand's,

  which all came from my diamond-pin, and my reputation as a

  connection of the aristocracy. Then I thanked Lady Jane handsomely

  for her magnificent present of fruit and venison, and told her that

  it had entertained a great number of kind friends of mine, who had

  drunk her Ladyship's health with the greatest gratitude.

  "A HAUNCH OF VENISON!" cried Lady Jane, quite astonished; "indeed,

  Mr. Titmarsh, I am quite at a loss to understand you."

  As we passed a gas-lamp, I saw Lady Fanny laughing as usual, and

  turning her great arch sparkling black eyes at Lord Tiptoff.

  "Why, Lady Jane," said he, "if the truth must out, the great haunch

  of venison trick was one of this young lady's performing. You must

  know that I had received the above-named haunch from Lord

  Guttlebury's park: and knowing that Preston is not averse to

  Guttlebury venison, was telling Lady Drum (in whose carriage I had

  a seat that day, as Mr. Titmarsh was not in the way), that I

  intended the haunch for your husband's table. Whereupon my Lady

  Fanny, clapping together her little hands, declared and vowed that

  the venison should not go to Preston, but should be sent to a

  gentleman about whose adventures on the day previous we had just

  been talking--to Mr. Titmarsh, in fact; whom Preston, as Fanny

  vowed, had used most cruelly, and to whom, she said, a reparation

  was due. So my Lady Fanny insists upon our driving straight to my

  rooms in the Albany (you know I am only to stay in my bachelor's

  quarters a month longer)--"

  "Nonsense!" says Lady Fanny.

  "--Insists upon driving straight to my chambers in the Albany,

  extracting thence the above-named haunch--"

  "Grandmamma was very sorry to part with it," cries Lady Fanny.

  "--And then she orders us to proceed to Mr. Titmarsh's house in the

  City, where the venison was left, in company with a couple of

  baskets of fruit bought at Grange's by Lady Fanny herself."

  "And what was more," said Lady Fanny, "I made Grandmamma go into

  Fr--into Lord Tiptoff's rooms, and dictated out of my own mouth the

  letter which he wrote, and pinned up the haunch of venison that his

  hideous old housekeeper brought us--I am quite jealous of her--I

  pinned up the haunch of venison in a copy of the John Bull

  newspaper."

  It had one of the Ramsbottom letters in it, I remember, which Gus

  and I read on Sunday at breakfast, and we nearly killed ourselves

  with laughing. The ladies laughed too when I told them this; and

  good-natured Lady Jane said she would forgive her sister, and hoped

  I would too: which I promised to do as often as her Ladyship chose

  to repeat the offence.

  I never had any more venison from the family; but I'll tell you

  WHAT I had. About a month after came a card of "Lord and Lady

  Tiptoff," and a great piece of plum-cake; of which, I am sorry to

  say, Gus ate a great deal too much.

  CHAPTER VI

  OF THE WEST DIDDLESEX ASSOCIATION, AND OF THE EFFECT THE DIAMOND

  HAD THERE

  Well, the magic of the pin was not over yet. Very soon after Mrs.

  Brough's grand party, our director called me up to his room at the

  West Diddlesex, and after examining my accounts, and speaking

  awhile about business, said, "That's a very fine diamond-pin,

  Master Titmarsh" (he spoke in a grave patronising way), "and I

  called you on purpose to speak to you upon the subject. I do not

  object to seeing the young men of this establishment well and

  handsomely dressed; but I know that their salaries cannot afford

  ornaments like those, and I grieve to see you with a thing of such

  value. You have paid for it, sir,-- I trust you have paid for it;

  for, of all things, my dear--dear young friend, beware of debt."

  I could not conceive why Brough was reading me this lecture about

  debt and my having bought the diamond-pin, as I knew that he had

  been asking about it already, and how I came by it--Abednego told

  me so. "Why, sir," says I, "Mr. Abednego told me that he had told

  you that I had told him--"

  "Oh, ay-by-the-bye, now I recollect, Mr. Titmarsh--I do recollect--

  yes; though I suppose, sir, you will imagine that I have other more

  important things to remember."

  "Oh, sir, in course," says I.

  "That one of the clerks DID say something about a pin--that one of

  the other gentlemen had it. And so your pin was given you, was

  it?"

  "It was given me, sir, by my aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle

  Hoggarty," said I, raising my voice; for I was a little proud of

  Castle Hoggarty.

  "She
must be very rich to make such presents, Titmarsh?"

  "Why, thank you, sir," says I, "she is pretty well off. Four

  hundred a year jointure; a farm at Slopperton, sir; three houses at

  Squashtail; and three thousand two hundred loose cash at the

  banker's, as I happen to know, sir,--THAT'S ALL."

  I did happen to know this, you see; because, while I was down in

  Somersetshire, Mr. MacManus, my aunt's agent in Ireland, wrote to

  say that a mortgage she had on Lord Brallaghan's property had just

  been paid off, and that the money was lodged at Coutts's. Ireland

  was in a very disturbed state in those days; and my aunt wisely

  determined not to invest her money in that country any more, but to

  look out for some good security in England. However, as she had

  always received six per cent. in Ireland, she would not hear of a

  smaller interest; and had warned me, as I was a commercial man, on

  coming to town, to look out for some means by which she could

  invest her money at that rate at least.

  "And how do you come to know Mrs. Hoggarty's property so

  accurately?" said Mr. Brough; upon which I told him.

  "Good heavens, sir! and do you mean that you, a clerk in the West

  Diddlesex Insurance Office, applied to by a respectable lady as to

  the manner in which she should invest property, never spoke to her

  about the Company which you have the honour to serve? Do you mean,

  sir, that you, knowing there was a bonus of five per cent. for

  yourself upon shares taken, did not press Mrs. Hoggarty to join

  us?"

  "Sir," says I, "I'm an honest man, and would not take a bonus from

  my own relation."

  "Honest I know you are, my boy--give me your hand! So am I honest-

  -so is every man in this Company honest; but we must be prudent as

  well. We have five millions of capital on our books, as you see--

  five bona fide millions of bona fide sovereigns paid up, sir,--

  there is no dishonesty there. But why should we not have twenty

  millions--a hundred millions? Why should not this be the greatest

  commercial Association in the world?--as it shall be, sir,--it

  shall, as sure as my name is John Brough, if Heaven bless my honest

  endeavours to establish it! But do you suppose that it can be so,

  unless every man among us use his utmost exertions to forward the

  success of the enterprise? Never, sir,--never; and, for me, I say

  so everywhere. I glory in what I do. There is not a house in

  which I enter, but I leave a prospectus of the West Diddlesex.

  There is not a single tradesman I employ, but has shares in it to

  some amount. My servants, sir,--my very servants and grooms, are

  bound up with it. And the first question I ask of anyone who

  applies to me for a place is, Are you insured or a shareholder in

  the West Diddlesex? the second, Have you a good character? And if

  the first question is answered in the negative, I say to the party

  coming to me, Then be a shareholder before you ask for a place in

  my household. Did you not see me--me, John Brough, whose name is

  good for millions--step out of my coach-and-four into this office,

  with four pounds nineteen, which I paid in to Mr. Roundhand as the

  price of half a share for the porter at my lodge-gate? Did you

  remark that I deducted a shilling from the five pound?"

  "Yes, sir; it was the day you drew out eight hundred and seventy-

  three ten and six--Thursday week," says I.

  "And why did I deduct that shilling, sir? Because it was MY

  COMMISSION--John Brough's commission; honestly earned by him, and

  openly taken. Was there any disguise about it? No. Did I do it

  for the love of a shilling? No," says Brough, laying his hand on

  his heart, "I did it from PRINCIPLE,--from that motive which guides

  every one of my actions, as I can look up to Heaven and say. I

  wish all my young men to see my example, and follow it: I wish--I

  pray that they may. Think of that example, sir. That porter of