Perfectly Imperfect

by Kara Leigh Miller

  “Then stop pretending you are. And stop pretending Cam is. He’s a cheater.”

  She stares at me defiantly.

  “Being with him won’t bring your brother back, Belle.” I march back to the pier and grab my jacket. I attempt to shake some of the rain off it, but I’m so angry, I don’t care that it’s probably ruined. So what if it’s the last thing my mother gave me before she destroyed our family. It’s just a coat. It can be replaced.

  “C’mon,” I say as I walk past Isabelle. “I’ll take you back to your car now.”

  I don’t say another word—neither does she—the entire ride back to the school. But all I can think about is how much I’ve messed up. How could I not see she’s still in love with her ex? I’m such a jerk. It’s not all my fault, though. She kissed me back. Heck, she gave me permission!

  “Thanks,” she says in a clipped tone when I pull to a stop. She gets off my bike and opens the driver’s door of her car. Then, she hesitates like she wants to stay something.

  I wait a moment, but she doesn’t speak. “No one is perfect, Belle, and God doesn’t expect us to be. Every one of us is so perfectly imperfect. That’s what makes us all so unique. Try not to forget that when you and Cam…” I shake my head in defeat. “Never mind.”

  I take off before she can respond. I can’t stand to listen to her defend him anymore.

  21

  ISABELLE

  I GET IN MY CAR and slam the door. Then I rest my head on the steering wheel and give in to the sobs that wrack my body. How did I make such a huge mess of things? And how did all of this become about Cam? Grayson is wrong—about everything. I like kissing Grayson. I like the way he cupped my neck with his warm hand. I like the way his lips felt against mine. The way my heart raced and my mind spun.

  Grayson is everything Cam isn’t. Grayson is fun and carefree. He’s smart and funny, and he pushes me in ways that make me question myself, my world. He makes me see things in ways I never knew possible. He doesn’t make me feel like I have to forget about Brandon—or like I have to remember him. To Grayson, Brandon’s life and death are a part of my story, just like his mom is a part of his story. They’re a part of us, but they aren’t us. Grayson never knew my brother, and he never knew me when Brandon was alive. Grayson only knows the person I am now. And for all of his teasing and pushing, he’s made me a better person. He doesn’t judge me or make me feel like I’m not good enough. He makes me want to come clean about how horrible my life is and ask for help.

  I can’t say the same about Cam. Sure, he’s a nice guy, and I’ll always have fond memories of hanging out with him and Brandon, but every time he tells me how to behave and how to be a good Christian, he makes me feel worse. Like I’m doing everything all wrong.

  But Grayson’s right. No matter how great my memories are of hanging out with my brother and my boyfriend, being with Cam won’t change the fact that Brandon’s dead. Clinging to those memories, to those days when things were easier, is only making things worse. I have to let go of the past.

  I don’t know how long I sit in my car crying, but at some point, a muffled ringing comes from my backpack. I dig out my cell phone and see Cam’s mom’s name on the screen. Why is she calling me? A fresh wave of tears falls. I hastily wipe them away and clear my throat.

  “Hey,” I say as cheerfully as I can muster.

  “Are you okay? Where are you?” His voice is frantic. “Me and Hannah have been calling you for the past hour.”

  I rub my forehead to ease the pounding. “Sorry. My… I…” I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I cannot keep lying to people. “I was with Grayson, and I lost track of time.” There’s a long pause. “Cam?”

  “You were with Grayson?” His words are cold and oddly detached. “Like, on a date?”

  “No,” I say quickly. “We were working on our Spanish project. Then it started to rain really hard, and we had to wait for it to stop.” I press my lips together to stop myself from rambling. I don’t owe him any explanations or apologies, but giving them is like second nature.

  “Oh.” His heavy sigh echoes through my ear. “Well, as long as you’re okay. You should call Hannah. She’s worried.” And then he ends the call without giving me a chance to respond.

  I stare at my screen. Call Hannah? Yeah, right. Clearly, Cam didn’t get the memo that Hannah and I aren’t speaking to each other. Swallowing against the lump in my throat, I toss my phone in the passenger seat and finally pull out of the parking lot. When I get home, all the lights are on, and dread fills me. Lights on means Mom is up. Please don’t let her be drinking. I can handle her when she’s passed out drunk, but when she’s actively drinking, she’s a nightmare.

  I drag myself inside. The TV is on, the volume turned all the way up, but Mom is nowhere to be found. Head pounding and eyes burning from my sob fest, I make my way through the house, one room at a time, until I finally find her in Brandon’s room. She’s curled up on the floor, sound asleep.

  I debate waking her and making her go to her own room but ultimately decide she can stay in here as long as she wants. I close the door and leave her. There are bigger problems I need to deal with other than my drunk mother sleeping on the floor of my dead brother’s room. Still, it’s going to be the longest Labor Day weekend ever.

  #

  I spend the entire weekend cleaning, sleeping, getting ahead on homework, and intentionally avoiding Vick’s party, despite Grayson’s repeated messages asking if I was going. I have nothing against Vick; he’s always been nice to me, even now, after everything that’s happened with Cam, but I’m not exactly in a partying mood. I know Grayson’s probably upset with me for ditching both the party and him, but he doesn’t understand. No one does. By the time Tuesday rolls around, I’m anxious to be back in school.

  Checking the time on my cell phone for what feels like the millionth time, I tap my foot impatiently. Where is Grayson? If he’s skipping school today… Finally, he appears at the end of the hall, and I track him as he makes a beeline for his locker.

  “You’re wrong, you know,” I say.

  “About what this time?” He doesn’t bother to look at me when he speaks.

  “Everything you said at the beach last week.”

  He keeps his back to me as he searches his locker for who knows what. I get the feeling he’s doing it just to avoid facing me. Well, I’m not going anywhere, so unless he plans on moving into that locker, he’s going to have to look at me eventually.

  After another few moments, he closes his locker and turns around. “Prove it.”

  “What?”

  “If I’m wrong about you still being in love with Cam, prove it.”

  “How am I supposed to do that?”

  He clutches my hand and yanks me toward him and out of the way of a group of freshmen who are running down the hall like they just broke out of prison. Lowering his head, he captures my gaze and holds it. His eyes burn with desire. Whoa. “Kiss me.”

  “What? Now?”

  He nods.

  “Here?” I glance around at all the people lingering in the hall. “Now?”

  “Yes, Belle. Right here. Right now.” There’s an edge to his words, and he raises a brow, challenging me. “Unlike you, I’m not afraid to give you a do-over.”

  I move closer. “All right. Fine.” My lips tingle in anticipation, and my heart is flopping around somewhere near my feet. I flatten my palm against his chest and slowly move it up to his neck, letting my fingers tangle in the hair at his nape. His eyes darken, but his gaze never wavers from mine.

  Rising up on my tip toes, I place my mouth near his. He drops his books to the floor, and they land with a loud smack. Grayson puts his hands on my hips and pulls me even closer. My heart leaps from my feet to my throat, making my breath catch. But everything inside of me buzzes with anticipation. I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone as badly as I want to kiss him right now. He leans down a fraction of an inch, our lips almost touching.

  I close my
eyes and lean close. My head swims with the knowledge of what I’m about to do, but I push all thoughts from my mind and focus solely on him. The noisy hallway fades to a distant hum.

  And then, the bell rings.

  “Looks like we’ll have to finish this later.” I step back. My breaths are sharp, and my heart is lodged in my throat. “We don’t want to be late for class.”

  His head falls back against his locker with a thud, and he groans. Loudly. Then he scoops his books off the floor and walks to class, leaving me staring after him. My stomach drops. He’s really mad, and I just made it worse. But really, what will kissing him prove? Sighing, I follow him to Spanish.

  Today, we’re watching a documentary about some Spanish politician—I don’t know. I’m not really paying much attention. I keep glancing at Grayson, willing him to look my way, but he doesn’t. Not once during the entire fifty-five-minute class, and when it’s over, he races out of the room.

  I have no idea where he thinks he’s going—we have study hall together next period. But when I get there, Grayson isn’t. And he doesn’t show up, either. I try to catch up to him in between classes, but he’s much better at hiding from me than I am at finding him. Surely, I’ll be able to find him at lunch.

  When I enter the cafeteria, I go straight to our table and take inventory: Hannah, Vick, Cam, Trevor, Nolan, Jake, Kyle… no Grayson. Pulling out a chair, I flop down. It’s official—he’s avoiding me. He can’t really be that mad about this morning, can he? I thought we were messing around like we always do. I mean, he can’t really think a stupid kiss will make everything better. But deep down, I know it’s not just some stupid kiss. It would mean something, just like it meant something yesterday. I blow out a heavy breath.

  “So, what do you think?” Hannah asks.

  “About what?”

  She frowns. “You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?”

  “Sorry.” I shrug. “I didn’t realize you were talking to me.”

  “Look, I was mad the other day, okay? I shouldn’t have lashed out the way I did. You know I’m always here for you, and you’re obviously going through some stuff.” Hannah pushes her food around on her plate. “I prayed about it, and I realized I need to show some grace and forgiveness.”

  My shoulders slump, and I pick at my fingernails, refusing to look at her. “I’m sorry.” I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for, but it feels like the right thing to do. And I miss my best friend, so I’m willing to do what it takes to make things better between us. “You know you can always talk to me, too, right?”

  “Yeah. I’m sorry, too.” She gently nudges my shoulder with hers. “So… we’re okay, right?”

  “Yeah, we’re okay.” Honestly, I can’t wait to tell her about kissing Grayson and get her opinion on what it all means. And I truly want to know what’s been bugging her, so I hope she’ll talk about it.

  “Good. So, I was thinking… we should go shopping for homecoming dresses this weekend.”

  “Oh, yeah. Sure. Sounds fun.” It doesn’t. Not only do I not have a date, I’m pretty sure Cam is going to be there with Andrea, which means I’m going to be the pathetic, single, ex-girlfriend dancing by herself. After what happened with Grayson this morning, I doubt he’ll want to go with me. Ugh.

  Hannah leans over and whispers in my ear, “Vick asked me to go with him.”

  “Seriously?”

  She nods.

  “That’s great. You two are going to have a great time.” I smile. “He’s a really great guy, Hannah.”

  She eyes me suspiciously. “How many more times are you going to say great?”

  “Sorry.”

  “Okay, what’s going on?” She twists her body so she’s blocking everyone else from view. “Is this about Grayson? What happened between you two?”

  “Nothing,” Grayson says, approaching from behind. “Absolutely nothing.” He sits and looks directly at me. “Isn’t that right, Belle?”

  “Belle?” Cam asks. “No one calls her that except—”

  “Shut up, Cam,” I snap, glaring at him. When I’m certain he isn’t going to finish that statement, I turn my attention to Grayson. “What is your problem today?”

  “Like you don’t know.”

  “Let’s pretend I don’t.” I cross my arms and lean back in my chair. “You seem to think you know everything all the time, so enlighten me.”

  Everyone at the table falls silent, watching to see how this is going to end. I’ll admit—I’m curious, too. I rarely air my dirty laundry in public, but if this morning is any indication, this is the only chance I’m going to get to talk to Grayson. So, if he wants to do this here, in front of our friends, then that’s what I’m going to do.

  The corner of his mouth twitches slightly. It’s enough for me to know he’s enjoying this little game we’re playing. He leans forward and folds his arms on the table. “You are the single most infuriating person I have ever met.”

  “Oh, snap,” Vick whispers under his breath.

  “You drive me crazy,” Grayson continues.

  “By all means, Grayson, tell me how you really feel. It’s not quite clear.” I scowl.

  “One minute, you’re yelling at me. The next, you’re laughing and having a good time. And the next, you can’t stand to be near me. You’re kissing me; then you’re not. Then you are. It would be really nice if you could just pick one emotion and stick with it.”

  “You kissed him?” Hannah says, gaping at me.

  “He kissed me,” I say through gritted teeth.

  “You loved every second of it.” Grayson’s eyes sparkle like freshly polished emeralds. His eyes only do that when he’s excited, which is usually when we’re taking shots at each other and having fun. Despite everything he just said, I want nothing more than to kiss him right now.

  “That’s why I was the one begging for another kiss this morning, right?” I bite the inside of my cheek to stop from smiling. “Because I loved it so much?”

  “Low blow, Belle.” There’s the tiniest trace of humor in his tone.

  I shrug. “I’m just calling it like I see it.”

  “Is that so?” He leans back and laces his hands behind his head. He’s silent for a moment, and I begin to wonder if he’s going to say anything else. “All right.” He nods slowly. “I’ll give you that one. I did ask for another kiss this morning.”

  I sit forward, my stomach suddenly a ball of nerves. He never gives in like that.

  “But if we’re calling it like we see it…” He lifts one shoulder as if nothing in the world matters. “Then it’s only fair that I call out how you were too scared to actually kiss me.”

  “I was not scared.” Okay, not my best comeback, but he’s being ridiculous.

  He flashes me the most mischievous smile I’ve ever seen, and my eyes widen as soon as I realize what he’s about to say. “Prove it.”

  I clench my jaw and stare at him as I take a couple controlled breaths. Kissing him in a crowded hallway is one thing. But kissing him here, in front of our friends—in front of Cam? Grayson has lost his mind. “I don’t have to prove anything to you.”

  “You’re right. You don’t.” He stands. “But not proving it says a lot.” He walks out of the cafeteria.

  “Well, that was intense.” Hannah laughs.

  “That was the best thing I’ve ever seen.” Vick holds up his hand for me to give him a high five.

  I get up and walk out, leaving him hanging.

  22

  GRAYSON

  “GRAYSON!” ISABELLE CALLS DOWN THE hallway. I stop and wait for her to catch up. “What was that back there?”

  “That was me proving a point.”

  “And what point was that?”

  “That you’re still so concerned with Cam and his feelings. That you’re terrified of letting anyone close. That I’m a nice distraction for you but not good enough for anything more. I don’t know.” I rub my hands over my face. “Take your pick.”

  “You�
�re wrong,” she says.

  “Whatever.” I shake my head and turn to leave.

  “Don’t walk away from me.”

  I spin around. “Then stop making it so easy.”

  We’re now standing chest to chest, and as I stare down at her, I’m struck with just how badly I want this girl. She drives me nuts, but she also challenges me and makes me laugh. And God help me, I can’t stop thinking about that kiss. I have no idea what she’s so afraid of, but it doesn’t matter. She’s worth the risk.

  I caress her cheek with my hand, and she leans into my touch. “Go to homecoming with me,” I whisper.

  She looks up at me with those big, brown eyes, and it’s like a sucker punch to the gut. “Seriously?”

  “Seriously.”

  “Okay.” She nods. “Yes.”

  “Good.” I let out a sigh of relief and rest my forehead against hers. “Now, for the love of everything holy, please let me kiss you again before I lose my mind.”

  “You have to shut up long enough to—”

  I crush my mouth over hers, silencing her. She wraps her arms around my neck and eagerly accepts my kiss. Everything about her is amazing, but the way she fits in my arms is pure perfection.

  “Mmm,” she says, her eyelids fluttering open. “I think we’re going to need another do-over.”

  “Just one?”

  She smiles. “As many as it takes to get it right.”

  “Are you saying I’m a bad kisser?”

  Isabelle laughs. “No. Just like everything else you do, you’re really good at it.”

  I lean down and give her another kiss, which is interrupted by someone whistling. I glance over Isabelle’s shoulder to see Vick and Hannah standing at the other end of the hallway.

  “That’s my boy, Grayson,” he hollers. “You get that girl.”

  Hannah slaps him, and he laughs, rubbing the spot she hit.

  The first bell rings, and I sigh. I really don’t want to leave her right now. “We should probably get to class.”

  “Yeah, probably.” But she doesn’t move away from me.