by CJ Murphy
Liz put the sketchbook down. “What do you think you’re looking for? And are you so sure you haven’t already found it?”
Val thought about Maggie and Loraine. They fought for a love that wasn’t acceptable and wasn’t convenient. They stayed together until Loraine died, her death nearly killing Maggie. Val restored and rode Maggie May in honor of their love. Why can’t I stop long enough to find love myself? “I tried with Tess.”
“Did you now?” Liz arched an eyebrow.
Val let her head rest against the cool leather and put her hand over her eyes, squeezing. Liz was right. She hadn’t. As much as she loved Tess, she hadn’t been in love with her. Now, her days were spent feeling like an empty shell of her former self, broken and desolate. She had nothing left to give. And yet, there was Laurel, giving freely of her time and affection and asking nothing of her. She’d left Ree, the most important person in her life, in the care of someone else to drive her sorry ass to Maryland to help her get her life back on track. Do I love Laurel? No question in my mind, I do. Am I in love with her? That was a much harder question because admitting it could change everything. The longer she deliberated with herself, the clearer the answer became.
“Liz, I’m afraid I’ll hurt her. I can’t always control what I do in a flashback. I hurt Tess and I could hurt Laurel. I’ll never forgive myself for hurting Tess. If I did that to Laurel, I couldn’t live with it.”
“And there’s nothing that says you will hurt her. You’re not in the same place you were then, Val. From what I can see, she’s just as nervous about her feelings for you. You weren’t in love with Tess. You need to admit it to yourself, even if you can’t admit it to me.” Liz uncrossed her legs and held out the leather-bound sketchbook to Val. “Being in love with someone doesn’t require you to be perfect. It requires you be all in with whatever you have. Don’t hold back because your parents were assholes, or that you’re afraid she doesn’t know what she’s getting into. Let her make her own decisions. Let her see all of you.”
Val was tired. Raising her head from where it rested, she looked at Liz. “And if once she sees all of it, she runs for the hills?”
“Then you chase her down the way Jo did me.”
“Thanks, Liz. I don’t know where I’d be without you. Probably wearing a really nice white jacket with extra long sleeves that buckle in the back.”
Liz put her hand on Val’s. “Yeah, but the only white you’ve ever looked good in is a button-down oxford. Now, let’s get back to our girls before Jo has Laurel over the edge and I have to do a session with her. All kidding aside, I want to see you again before you guys go back to West Virginia.”
“Sure thing, Doc.” Val had a lot to think about. Maybe I can find that backbone I left with my leg somewhere in Iraq.
***
Laurel busied herself helping Jo put away the leftovers. Hearing quiet voices entering the kitchen, she eyed Val, relieved to see she was no longer pale or trembling.
“Why don’t we make our way to the patio? It’s going to be a beautiful night.” Liz headed toward the back door and Jo followed.
Laurel lingered, needing a moment to collect herself. “I need to flip that last load of laundry. I’ll be right there. Val, you want some tea after I finish?”
Val signaled for Laurel to stop. “Don’t worry about the laundry. Come join us.”
“I’ll be right there, I promise. It won’t take a minute.”
“Okay.”
As the trio made their way out the door, Laurel rested her back against the counter. She ran her hands through her hair and shook her head. I hate seeing her look so depleted.
Liz came back inside. She reached for Laurel’s hand and without giving her a chance to object, led her to her study. “Come on.” They settled in the chairs close to the empty fireplace. “Please don’t think I’m dragging you in here for a forced session. I’m looking at a face full of stress, and I’m a damn good listener.”
Laurel stalled the forthcoming conversation by getting up from the chair and walking around the room, looking at Jo’s sculptures and the pictures. “This isn’t your work office, is it?” She needed time to collect and organize her thoughts, her feelings.
“No, Jo and I spend a good deal of our time here in the winter in front of the fire. Believe it or not, we’re both readers. Most nights, you’ll find us curled up together here on the couch with books in our hands.” She grinned. “That is, if we’re not at one of her shows where I have to use a piece of her art to beat fangirls off her.”
“She only has eyes for you. Back home we call that gut hooked. Can’t imagine she’d want it any other way.” Can’t imagine I’d want it any other way either.
“I wasn’t so sure at first. I’m fifteen years older than she is and I was willing to let her go at one point. I thought I wasn’t the woman she needed.” Liz ran her finger along the edge of a picture frame.
Laurel picked up a framed photo of Liz sitting in Jo’s lap, laughing while Jo looked like she was singing.
“You know the chair fades away when you look at how happy you two are.” She thought about Val’s missing leg and how she’d never known about it before the accident. Nothing about Val seemed out of place. We all have pieces of ourselves we hide away. She put the photo back.
“I know. Jo’s probably the most well-adjusted person I’ve ever met when it comes to the loss of her legs. In all the time I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her let it hold her back. She’s found amazing ways to overcome it and live for who she is, not what she was.” Liz’s voice grew soft. “I worry about the future. Right now, she doesn’t need me to care for her. As I age, it’ll get more difficult and she may not be able to do things for me the way someone with two legs could. But I know my Jo. She’ll build something. She doesn’t live for what will or won’t be. She lives for what is.”
“She’s pretty amazing.”
“She is. Each day, we find a way to deal with whatever comes next.” Liz leaned forward resting her elbows on her knees and clasped her hands together.
Laurel gathered her hair in her hands. “I’m not sure I’m that strong.”
Liz shook her head. “I think you’re wrong. I’m not sure what’s holding you back from telling Val how you really feel about her. Looking at you, it’s easy to see you’re in love with her. It’s also easy to see you’re holding back even as your heart pleads with you to let go.”
“I won’t deny I adore Val. Every time I know she’s coming by, all I want to do is put my arms around her the minute she pulls in.” Tears welled up in Laurel’s eyes, drowning her in the memory of Val’s accident. Raising a shaking hand to her mouth, she gave voice to her internal battle. “I’m afraid. Val lost so much because of the war. I don’t think she trusts love. Given what she told me of her childhood, I’m not surprised. I don’t want to hurt her, and I’m afraid that’s exactly what I’ll do someday.” Laurel came back to sit on the couch. Turning her head to the end table, she spotted another photo. She picked up the framed picture of the three of them. “Your wedding day?”
Liz rolled her eyes. “Yes. Val was telling Jo that even a blind dog finds a bone once in a while.”
Laurel laughed. “You should see the two of them when once my gram gets going.”
“Val’s mentioned Ree many times. She adores her. She finds great comfort that being there makes her feel like family. After one of her visits, we get color commentary about some conversation with…” Liz hesitated, tapping a finger to her chin. “Mule, Bobeye, Beth, the twins, Tilly, and oh what does she call him? The kid with the questions?”
“Wunder?”
Liz nodded. “Yes, that’s him. I know more about the people at your store than I do about her mother and father. You’re all like family to her.”
“She is family to us. Gram adores her. She actually learned to use the internet on a tablet so she could keep up with Val on the road.” Shaking her head, she pointed to a remote on the end table. “I can’t teach her how to use the remote c
ontrol for the TV, and yet somehow she can pull up Val’s magazine and Facebook page with no help at all.” She couldn’t hold back the giggle.
“You’re kidding?”
Laurel put her hand in the air, palm out. “Swear. Gram’s the one who pushed so hard to have Val stay with us. Wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
“She sounds pretty formidable.”
“Gram’s another one that’s been through a great deal, raised me and managed to keep me from losing my mind when…” Laurel trailed off, closing her eyes again.
Liz prodded. “When what?”
Laurel sat up and opened her eyes. This was painful to talk about, and it held all the reasons why she couldn’t love Val the way she wanted to. Because of this, she couldn’t think about building a future with her, even if she could let herself believe Val wanted it. “I’m going to tell you something about me that I’ve told few people. My mother died of breast cancer just after I turned nine years old. Gram raised me. While I was in college, I found a lump in my breast. They did a biopsy and found precancerous cells. We did some genetic testing, and the results showed I’m BRCA 1 positive, meaning…”
Liz finished the statement. “There was a strong chance you might develop breast cancer.”
Laurel took a deep breath, wiping at the tears rolling down her face. She nodded. “I decided to have radical mastectomies and had both of my breasts removed at twenty. There’s still a possibility that I’ll develop some kind of cancer, but removing my breasts cut those chances substantially.” Laurel’s voice dropped to a whisper. “I remember watching my mother die. It was agonizing to let her go, and I can’t imagine how hard that would be on a lover. Val deserves to have someone who’ll be around for the long haul. I can’t take the chance that in five or ten years I might die and leave her alone. What right do I have to put her through that? On top of everything else she’s lived through, it just seems cruel.” Gasping for air through her sobs, bands of agony tightened around her chest. Loving Val was easy. Loving her enough to let her go might be the hardest thing she’d ever try to do.
Liz was silent for a few seconds. “You know, I could drop dead tomorrow of a heart attack or an unknown aneurysm. Jo could develop a kidney infection and not realize she was sick until it was too late. The difference between could and will is vast.” She held her hands up far apart. “I hate to say this, Laurel, but what you’re doing is preventing both of you from having happiness because of what might happen. You had statistics that showed what your probabilities were. You took action to alter those statistics, but you’re living as if you’re already dying. Even if Val were to stop riding through, could you forget her? Would you want her to forget you? If you’re worried that Val will see you less than whole, is that how you see her? Less than whole because she doesn’t have a left foot or because she has scars?”
Shock and anger ripped through Laurel at Liz’s insinuation. Her voice rose. “No! I didn’t even know she had a missing leg until this accident.”
“And she doesn’t know your breasts aren’t the ones you were born with.”
Hot tears tracked down Laurel’s face, dropping from her eyes faster than she could wipe them way. Liz got up, retrieved a box of tissues, and handed them to Laurel. Sitting down beside her, Liz pulled her into her arms allowing Laurel cry for her own loss and shed tears of doubt at how she’d been handling her feelings for Val.
Laurel melted into the comfort of Liz’s embrace, releasing the pain of the past and trying to sort through the uncertainty of the future. Trying to plot a course in the present was proving to be the greatest challenge. The words of her grandmother floated to her in a whisper, “What happens now, is up to you two.”
Chapter Twelve
VAL AND JO SAT enjoying the evening breeze blowing through the back yard. Jo tapped the table between them. “Val, this is me here. Tell me what’s rattling around in that Jarhead mind of yours.”
Val let out a long breath, sighing into the darkness. “Got any Makers Mark hanging around? And don’t lecture me about my pain pills and alcohol please.”
Jo turned her chair back into the house, returning in a few minutes with a bottle. She poured three fingers of amber liquor into a short tumbler and pushed it toward Val. “If I get in Dutch for this with my woman or yours, you threatened me with your bionic elbow, capisce?”
“She’s not my woman.”
“Cut the bullshit. I remember you with Tess. She adored you, and I never saw you look at her the way you do Laurel. You’re in deep, my friend, whether you want to admit it or not. I spent many years dissecting everything around me trying to recognize friend from foe to keep from dying. What I see watching you and Laurel, that’s real. Like it or not.”
Val rubbed her temple. “I don’t know. I have no experience in healthy relationships. I never know if I’m going to wake up back in Iraq, fighting to stay alive. I’ve worked hard to be able to take care of myself. I feel like my whole life’s been put in a shredder again, and I’m trying to sort the bits and pieces.”
Jo sipped her drink. “What’s the one thing you’re holding on to right now?”
Val became silent, recognizing Jo’s tactics. It wouldn’t be the first time, nor would it be the last.
“I’m not one to let you off the hook about anything. We call bullshit when we see it with each other. We all want things to be different. You think I don’t wish that rocket never hit my Humvee? That somehow, I didn’t come out of it paralyzed? I don’t like Liz having to do things for me because I can’t. I’ve learned that in loving her, I have to let her love me, her way. I wish I could stand, take my wife into my arms, and carry her to our bed. I wish I could walk with her hand in hand. I wish I could look her in the eyes without having to look up.” Jo took a swallow of her drink, slamming the glass back down. “But if I had to choose between having my legs back and my life now with Liz, I wouldn’t change a single fucking thing. I don’t know why things happen the way they do, but what I have now is incredible and more than I ever deserved. If I’d held back because I thought about what it meant for Liz to be with someone like me, I’d have never even taken the chance. So, I ask you again, what is the one thing you’re holding on to right now?”
Val took a sip of the whiskey and turned the glass in a small circle on the table. The drink burned on the way down, flooding her system with warmth. The answer was easy. “Laurel and Ree.”
“Exactly. I think you know what you need to do. I just wonder if you’re going to find the courage to do it, or be a coward and ride away.”
Val looked at the colors of the sunset streaking across the sky. Reds and pinks blazed a trail into the dusk. She threw back the whiskey and sat the glass off to the side. She didn’t answer Jo. She couldn’t. Was she being brave by denying herself? Or am I being a coward?
***
Laurel and Liz came back outside. Liz grazed her fingers across Jo’s shoulders as she bent down for a kiss, settling down in the seat next to her. Laurel watched the exchange and found a seat near Val, but not close enough for them to touch. She didn’t trust herself right now.
She felt Val’s eyes on her in the darkness, and she looked at the sunset and the broad strokes of color in brilliant hues of pink and orange. “Beautiful. Where we live, we have this view where you can see all the way across the mountain ridge and the colors paint the sky. Gram and I love to sit out there in the evenings. Of course, there’s usually a pan of beans to snap in my lap or apples to peel. We have some of our best conversations sitting there in those rockers.”
“I’ll bet it’s beautiful. We’ll have to visit sometime, Laurel. I’ve driven through West Virginia, but we’ve never had the time to really explore it,” Liz said.
“It’s beautiful in any season, but I think fall is my favorite. The mountains absolutely come alive. When the wind blows, the red and yellow leaves look like tongues of flame. Everywhere you look there’s a brilliant palette of amber and scarlet. You can stay with us. We have plenty of roo
m, and the house is already wheelchair accessible. We did that for my mom while she was sick. It makes it easier for Gram to get around now. Anytime you want to come, let me know.” Laurel spoke from the heart. It gave her great pleasure to share things about her home. So many people hear West Virginia and immediately picture the stereotype hillbillies with no shoes. She knew West Virginia for all its treasures and wasn’t shy about singing its praises.
“We’ll have to set a date to come in the fall then. I’ve seen some of Val’s pictures of it and it’s spectacular. I’d love to experience it for myself,” Liz said.
Laurel beamed with pride. “That would be great. I can promise you a feast prepared by an eighty-five-year-old woman who would put Emeril to shame.”
Val patted her stomach. “That I can attest to. I’ve told Laurel if Ree keeps feeding me like she does, I’m going to have to buy bigger pants.”
Laurel thought about Val’s words. After the appointments here, they’d travel back to her home. Back to a place she hoped was becoming more like home to Val, too. Only time would tell and that’s one thing she’d always been concerned about. How much time would there be to tell. She didn’t have the answers, but she hoped to find them soon.
***
Val yawned and fidgeted, shifting her shoulder strap a little and rubbing her drooping eyes.
Laurel looked over at her. “I think someone needs to go to bed, and I’m not far behind. Val, you ready to go up?”
“Yeah, I’m beat, and between The Bodyshop and the appointment with Cat, it’s going to be a long day tomorrow. Guys, I can’t thank you enough for putting us up and feeding us. I really appreciate it.”
“No problem. Hopefully we can have dinner tomorrow night together. I have appointments all day and Jo has a show she needs to finish pieces for. If either of you need anything, just call our cells.” Liz watched as Laurel got up and unlocked Val’s chair. “Goodnight.”
