by Alison Mello
She cupped his face in her hands and stared into his warm blue eyes. “I don’t judge you, Zachary. You have a good heart. You did what you did because of what you went through. It’s not who you are. I can’t say the same for William or my foster father. I’m sorry it took this long to open up. I should have told you this the night you shared your story with me, but I was scared.”
“I’ll never hurt you, Courtney. Please know that.”
“I know, I know.”
He laid back down, taking her along with him. She nuzzled into him, and his fingers ran through her hair.
“Life is strange bringing us together. Two broken people who need all the love they can get to survive. Perhaps that’s the reason we were so drawn to each other.”
Zachary shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Yeah.”
“Have you filed for a divorce?” he asked.
“Not yet.”
“Why?”
“I need to find a good lawyer. I don’t see him letting go that easily.”
“Are you positive you want a divorce?”
She glanced up at him. “Why’d you ask that?”
“Because any woman in your position who is determined to move on would have filed some sort of separation papers.”
“I moved out.”
“But legally you are his.”
“I wouldn’t put it that way.”
“How would you put it then?” His voice was stiff yet cautious.
“I don’t know. We have a lot of history. We’ve been through a lot with his family. I just…I don’t know, it feels as though I am abandoning him. Betraying him and leaving him out to dry.”
“Courtney, you need to decide what you want to do and soon. All I hear now are flimsy excuses.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Oh, believe me, I know. My wife is leaving me.”
“I don’t know what to say to that. Are you still in love with her?” she asked quietly.
“She’ll always hold a special place in my heart. She is the mother of my children.”
She was envious of the fact that another woman would forever have a piece of his heart, but he was right. Was she prepared to walk away from William? She did love him. She felt compassion for him, and there was a good reason for that. Nonetheless, she had to move on. Zachary made her feel ways she never knew existed. He didn’t feel like a rebound; it was more than that. There was an undeniable connection between them, but was it factual? Was she so desperate to be loved and cared for so much that she was blinded by the idea of him? Or was it indeed real?
“Do you see yourself back with her someday?” she asked.
“I seem to be getting that question a lot lately. Truth is I’d have loved to try for the kids. We did…but it didn’t work out. Whatever we had and shared turned into something ugly, and I take the blame for it. Time to move on. So no, I don’t see us getting back together. What I’d like is to move on with you, but clearly there are lots of obstacles in our way we need to clear before that can happen.” He kissed her temple. “With any luck, we won’t get burned in the process.”
“I do hope it works out in our favor,” Courtney said, doubting her own words.
He changed the subject. It was getting more emotional than he could handle now. “We should order some food.”
“Good idea.”
***
The weight of his arm and warm breath on her shoulders awakened her. Courtney gazed out the window at the sun struggling to emerge through the dark clouds. She moved his arm, sat at the edge of the bed, and stared back at him. He was beautiful, serene, as though he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep until last night. She couldn’t conceive the idea of him being the monster he claimed to be and prayed she would never witness that side of him. She was taking a huge risk, she was aware, but she couldn’t deny her heart of what it wanted.
She hopped out of bed, grabbing her box of assorted pencils to take advantage of his peaceful posture. She sat behind the fresh canvas she’d set on the stand the day before and allowed herself to get sucked into his splendor.
Almost an hour passed before Zachary groaned, struggling to wake up. His vibrant blue eyes fell on hers, a satisfied glimpse before he closed his eyes briefly. “What are you doing?” he asked, his voice deep and husky.
“Taking advantage of you.” Courtney giggled like a young girl as she meticulously shaded in the black between her drawn lines. “Shhh…” she said, and he quickly caught on to what she was up to. He remained in the exact position he woke up in, relishing her morning bliss. She wore nothing but his white shirt with the sleeves folded up to her elbows, her long brown hair resting loosely over her slender shoulders. Her mood was perky and appearance cheerier than the previous night.
She lurched from the stool, picked up the canvas, and turned it around. “What do you think?”
“Wow, you are good.” Zachary sat up. “You must have been working on this for hours.”
“Close.” She laughed. “My first piece in my new home. It’s not just the person in the drawing but what it represents.”
“Which is?”
“A new beginning.”
***
Courtney placed the kettle on the stovetop and turned on the heat. She went to the refrigerator, took out a loaf of bread and two teacups from the cabinet, and deposited them on the island top. She pulled a knife from the stainless steel knife block and cut a few slices of bread.
“Butter?” She glanced up at a grinning Zachary, and he nodded. She narrowed her eyes at him, wondering why he was so amused. “What is it?” she asked.
“You’re gorgeous.”
Her eyebrows shot up in amusement. “Flattery won’t get you anywhere with me.”
“I know. I still think you are beautiful.”
Trying hard not to be affected, she failed terribly and ended up giggling like a blushing teenage girl. She spread butter on his bread before sliding the plate toward him.
“Thanks for dinner,” he said in a teasing voice.
“You are not making fun of my meal, are you?”
“No, I think you are an excellent cook.” He took a bite of his bread.
“Wait for the tea.”
“Do I have to? I’m starving.”
Courtney had spent most of her afternoon in bed, stuck between feeling sorry for her situation and what the future held for her. It had been quite tough, dealing with the separation, lack of money, and her newfound temporary happiness with Zachary. It consumed her, and no matter how hard she tried to remain positive, she felt like she was drowning. Then she’d look into Zachary’s electrifying blue eyes, and there’s hope and a future. She indeed dared to dream.
“You don’t have to eat that. I can make something for you.”
“No, this is fine.” He took another bite, oblivious to her guilt at not preparing a better meal.
The kettle whistled behind her, and she swiveled around with a jolt.
“You seem jumpy. Is everything all right? How did your session go today?” he asked, even though they’d never discussed the details of their therapy sessions before.
She curled her hand around the handle of the kettle and shrugged. “As it does every day. Nothing new, just a bunch of cheerless souls who need to move on from the self-pity.”
“They are dealing with a lot.”
“I know. I’m just tired of the same old. Tired of reliving the pain, their pain, my pain. It gets to me sometimes. I am ready to move on already.”
She poured steaming hot water over the tea bag and handed a mug to Zachary. He swirled the tea bag in the water until it reached a rich golden color before bringing it to his lips. “Would you consider seeing a therapist on a one-on-one basis?” he asked.
Courtney blew the steam away from her teacup and took a sip. “I already am. Well, it’s more of a counselor. Her name is Mavis. I like her. With her, it feels more personal than just a doctor and patient relationship, even though she has advised that I see a
qualified therapist. I don’t need that. What I need is someone I’m comfortable with. One who has lived my life and truly understands the struggle, not a guy with a bunch of degrees who’d psychoanalyze me.”
“I get it.” Zachary nodded and stretched his hand out to her. She placed her hand in his and sighed. “I hope you can open up more to me.” He gestured for her to come to him, and she walked around the small kitchen island to his side. He kissed the corner of her mouth and rested his forehead on hers. “Mavis has a similar experience?”
“She’s experienced it firsthand. She was married to an abusive man. She knows and understands the excuses we make. She knows how to survive, because she did.”
“We are going to be just fine.”
“I know.”
He pulled back. “What do you have planned for us tonight?”
“How about a game of Scrabble?”
Zachary grimaced. “Absolutely not.”
“Why? I love Scrabble.”
“I bet you do. Where is that remote?” He glanced around the room. “I’m sure we can find a decent movie to pass the time.”
“Pass the time?” Courtney faked offense. “I am not that boring.”
He scoffed. “You wanted to play Scrabble.”
“Scrabble is a good game for nourishing the brain. I can take any word and scramble its letters to make several other words, right off the top of my head.”
“Oh, I don’t doubt that,” he mocked her with a derisive smile.
“You don’t know what you are missing.”
Zachary chuckled and rose to his feet. “Come on.”
He slouched back on her tiny couch and rested his arm over the top. Courtney nestled into him, resting her head on his chest. His steady heartbeat caressed her ears, and she beamed. She wouldn’t wish for any other moment than this one.
He scrolled through the TV guide with the remote control, grinning proudly when he settled on a movie.
Courtney grimaced. “You’re kidding, right?”
“What’s wrong with it?”
“Pearl Harbor?”
“Yeah!”
“You can’t get any more predictable than that.”
“Come on, war movies are the best.”
Courtney rolled her eyes. “Of course they are.”
He kissed the top of her head.
Three hours and a few laughs and cries later, the movie came to an end, leaving Courtney speechless yet intrigued.
“I can’t believe how well the spies could live amongst locals and plot such an attack,” Courtney said solemnly. “You can’t trust anyone.”
Zachary beamed. “Told you you’d like it.”
“I think I’m more upset than entertained.”
“I know. Those were dangerous times.”
“We still live in dangerous times, just with better defenses.”
“Don’t let the movie get to you. You’re safe.”
“Hmm.”
“We should go to bed. It’s late.” Zachary stood up. Courtney followed suit, peppering him with questions about his experiences in the Marines, a topic he hated to revisit. To keep her mind at ease, he stuck to happy moments with his comrades. They enjoyed a good conversation before they both drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms.
***
A bomb blast went off, causing the ground he stood on to shake wildly. The building he stood in front of collapsed right before him into ashes. The screams around him were overpowering and nerve chilling. He glanced to his side; the stranger standing beside him had blood trickling down his face. His eyes trailed the drops to his feet. He looked around, dumbfounded by the debris and death around him. Frozen in place, his trance was interrupted by a massive blow to his head, and the lights in his eyes went out. He threw his hands up as a defensive tactic. A blow landed on a soft surface, and a scream followed.
“Oh my God! Stop, stop, stop!”
***
“Zachary, stop! It’s only a dream. It’s only a dream!” Courtney shouted.
The voice screamed in his ears, and he awoke with a jolt. The room was brightly lit. Standing inches away from the bed was a terrified Courtney in a white sweatshirt hanging off her shoulders. Her long hair was curled, laying loosely over her right shoulder. Her arms were folded across her chest, as if protecting herself from an attack. Zachary grasped where he was and what he had done. He brushed his hand over his face and jumped out of the bed, embarrassed by Courtney’s visible injuries.
“Your lips are bleeding,” he said gravely.
She touched her lip with her fingers. “It’s okay. I’ll clean it up.”
“I did this to you.”
“It’s fine. It was just a bad dream. It’s not your fault.”
“Yes, it is. This is bad. I am so sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to do that. It was such a bad idea to spend the night here.”
“I said, it’s fine.” She rushed past him into the bathroom.
Zachary stood behind the closed door and placed his palm on it. “I am sorry, Courtney. May I come in? I need to make this right,” he beseeched, but she remained still behind the door. The sound of running water resonated through the closed door. He knocked and tried the knob. It was locked. “Courtney? I can leave if you want me to, but before I go, just tell me you are okay, love. Talk to me.”
He leaned his back against door, allowing his body to slide down to the floor. He had been doing well on his meds and hadn’t experienced any blackouts in a while. He blamed himself for daring to feel comfortable enough around her. His comfort and sense of belonging had brought this on. Or perhaps it was the chat about war that triggered the dream. Whatever the reason, he couldn’t stand to have another woman hate him because of his violent tendencies. Especially not her, after everything she’d been through with her abusive husband. She didn’t deserve this. Not from him.
Moments passed between them before the door clicked open. Zachary leaned forward to prevent falling back, and Courtney stepped out. Her bloodied lips were cleaned, but the evidence was clear. Dry stains of blood were splattered on the collar of her sweatshirt. He was on his feet now and standing before her, a few inches apart.
“I am truly sorry.”
“I know you are…”
“No, you don’t need to be understanding. I am to blame. I should never had stayed here tonight or any other night until I had these nightmares and blackouts under control. I am going to leave now, but I just want to make sure you are okay.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “Don’t go. I need you and you need me. We shouldn’t part ways, not now. We can make it through this.” She took his hand, and he recoiled from her touch. “Please, Zachary,” she pleaded.
He pulled his hand away. “I might hurt you again, Courtney, and I can’t let that happen again. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”
“You won’t.” She touched his forearm, willing him toward the bed. This time he obliged. They laid in bed, gazing at the ceiling and lost in thoughts about each other’s frame of mind.
She nuzzled in close to him and angled her head to stare into his dull eyes. He appeared conquered and absent. She rubbed her hand gently over the ripples of his stomach until soon he needed to have her, and he did. He made passionate love to her, not just once, but until the break of dawn.
CHAPTER 11
Look not mournfully into the past, it comes not back again. Wisely improve the present, it is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future without fear and with a manly heart.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
A knock on the door had Courtney quickly on her feet. She was expecting Zachary sometime during the day, since they had plans to check out a new property he was thinking of purchasing. She was grateful he asked for her opinion and help to make a decision on something so personal. Things between them had been good, and her career was also looking promising. Monsieur Rousseau urged her to accompany him to art showcases, museums, and galleries across the state, vastly adding to her networking portfolio.
After a couple of rejections by critics and directors of several galleries, she finally received a positive call from a young man opening his own gallery. He was once an assistant to a director of one of the major galleries in the Greater Seattle area. He was just starting out, but that would serve as a great opportunity for both parties, Monsieur Rousseau had advised. The opportunity had kept her quite busy and confined to her loft for days. She valued the distraction Zachary brought, and she thought the break would do her a lot of good.
“Hey,” she chirped as she swung the door open, stupefied to be greeted by a man who wasn’t Zachary. Her mouth dropped, and fear dispersed through her, causing the hairs at the back of her neck to stand up. She stiffened, and her throat constricted. Images of all her dreams flashed before her as she stared into William’s dark eyes. He held her gaze, waiting for an invitation.
“May I?” he asked while she struggled to find words.
Courtney took a few steps back away from his reach. She feared the coming of this day. She wasn’t ready to face it yet.
She was comfortable in a life she didn’t have the right to have. The right to be liberated and happy. She belonged to him and was face to face with the man who always brought her to her knees. He stood in the middle of her studio apartment. It didn’t take long for him to assess his surroundings. There wasn’t much to take in. He wore his usual dark suit, white shirt, and a gray pocket square. His richly scented cologne filled the entire room just like his presence. To Courtney, it was agonizing yet rather alluring. She was once in love with this scent. She would deeply inhale his sheets, his clothes, even her body, just to feel close to him.
Gazing at him, it reminded her why she was so in love with him once. Or was she? His features were beautiful and commanding, with the most graceful body any sane woman would die for, but he had a dark heart. His wealth was just a bonus. He would still have a fleet of women at his feet if he only had a penny in his pocket. He was different, as if the evil had been cast out of him. For a moment she overlooked the pain and anguish he once inflicted. He was clean-shaven and seemed to have lost a couple of pounds. His rich dark brown hair glowed luxuriantly underneath the light, complementing his piercing brown eyes.
