by Alison Mello
“I don’t want to do this anymore. I am tired.” Her breath hitched. “Do you understand the stage I’m in? My chances of survival are slim. I just want to live my days feeling alive and trying new and exciting things, like skiing or ice skating, stuff like that. I never did that.”
She looked up at him. “It’s okay, baby, I am fine. I have accepted my destiny, and I am happy. I want to remain happy until the end. You saw the tests they just ran. There has been no improvement, and I’m reacting terribly to the poisonous drugs.”
She placed her hand over his. Every hope he ever had slithered out of his eyes, leaving darkness, pain, and tears in its wake.
“I have made my peace with it, Zachary. I truly have.”
He yanked his hand away and averted his eyes to hide his tears.
Courtney and Dr. Hughes looked at each other, sadness building up in both women as they sat at loss for words. Dr. Hughes had been her oncologist since the beginning. They’d formed a friendship over the years. She had links to the Peterson family, but Courtney didn’t care if William caught wind of her recent visits.
Dr. Hughes wheeled her stool closer to Courtney. “You are a very brave woman, and I am proud of you, Courtney. The strongest people are not those who show their strength, but those who win struggles we know nothing about, and I applaud you. I have admired you from the first day you walked into my office four years ago. You were brave then, just as you are now.” She took both of Courtney’s hands in hers and gazed into her eyes. “I know there is nothing I could say or do that will make this easier, but I’ll always be here for you. This illness does not define who you are, so be strong and go out there and live your life to the fullest.” Her voice quaked at the end, and she moved back after noticing her hands quivering in Courtney’s. She’d been an oncologist for fifteen years and had had ample experiences with these sorts of situations. Yet, it never got easier, no matter how many times she experienced it.
Courtney’s story touched her heart four years ago when she was initially diagnosed. She’d known the Peterson family for years, prior to starting her career. Her father, a surgeon, God bless his soul, had a close relationship with William’s father. She had experienced firsthand how much William adored Courtney, and she couldn’t believe he wasn’t here during such a difficult time.
Courtney gave her hand a squeeze to assure her she was going to be okay. She’d recognize pain anywhere, and that was what Dr. Hughes carried in her eyes, guilt for not being able to save her. She was not God; she couldn’t predict this. They need to simply appreciate the opportunity she got to make peace with herself, God, and the few close friends she made in her lifetime. Not many got that chance.
CHAPTER 27
Grief is the price we pay for love.
~Queen Elizabeth II
After dropping Courtney off at his apartment, wrecked, Zachary headed to O’Donovan’s, a popular Irish pub he and his pals used to be regular patrons at. It had been a while since he had a stiff drink, but after what he’d experienced earlier that morning, it was all he could think about. The bartender, a slim lady with loud pink highlights in her hair, nodded in his direction as she served a group of three men at the end of the bar. She wiped her hands in the apron around her waist and approached him.
“What can I get you?”
“Strongest whiskey you got,” Zachary replied, not caring about his violent tendencies when he drank, especially when the last time he came to this particular bar he got into a brawl with two men and ended up paying the bar owner for the damages he caused. This new bartender clearly didn’t know his history, so without hesitation she grabbed a bottle of whiskey off the shelf and filled up a glass.
He took the drink to the head, emptying the glass with one long gulp, and shoved the glass toward her with a fill-it-up nod. Once again, the bartender complied, and again he took it down with one gulp then ordered a third, followed by three bottles of beer. With his baseball cap on and pulled low enough to cover his eyes, he glanced down at the bar counter in deep thought on how he would survive without his woman. His heart. Why life had been so cruel to him. What had he done so bad to not deserve a happy ending with a woman who had so much influence over him, his life, and his ability to function as a decent human being? How selfish of her to make such a life altering decision without considering him. And how selfish of him to only think about himself in this situation when the real victim was Courtney.
So much concern built within him that he began to rub his chest to ease the tight knot that had taken form. He rubbed the back of his neck frantically, fighting with the demons in his head, telling him he was the reason she was sick. His iniquities trailed him everywhere and leaked on whomever he came in contact with. And his latest victim was Courtney Peterson.
“Fuck!” He pulled his phone from his back pocket. The light illuminated his impaired vision, and he frowned at the several missed calls from Courtney. He called Corey instead. The strain in his voice put his old friend on alert, demanding to know where he was.
“O’ Donovan’s,” Zachary growled, and Corey hung up without another word.
Two more shots of whiskey and a bottle of Heineken later, Corey arrived at the bar. Concerned his friend was falling back into his old dangerous ways, he was careful with his approach. He predicted this would happen when Zachary told him about Courtney’s illness. It was too much for a guy in this sensitive state to handle, but there was also no way around it. He was in love with this woman, and he was afraid of what might become of his friend if she lost her battle.
The moment he reached Zachary’s side, the bartender offered him a critical look. “He’s yours?” she asked, and Corey nodded.
“He needs to go. He’s causing a scene. Fighting me when I refused to serve him any more alcohol. I’m the only one working the bar tonight, and as you can see, I’m too small to handle a man his size.”
“Come on, buddy.” Corey placed his palm on Zachary’s back, and he shrugged him off.
“Get the fuck off me,” Zachary slurred, pushing his seat back. He lost his footing and landed on the floor, slamming his head into the leg of a table behind him. “Fuck!” he yelled and held his head in his hands.
“Seriously?” the bartender exclaimed.
Corey grabbed his arm, helping him up, but Zachary threw a punch at him and missed. Corey grabbed on to his neck and forcefully positioned his eyes toward his. “It’s me, man. Corey. Calm the fuck down!”
Zachary placed his hands firmly on Corey’s shoulders. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Come on.” Corey helped him to the door, pushed it open with his foot, and dragged him out. Corey remained silent for a few seconds as Zachary groaned incoherently to himself. He opened the back seat door of his car, but Zachary shoved him away, leaning against the trunk.
“What is going on?” Corey asked.
“She’s leaving me.”
“What? Courtney is leaving you? Why?” He wasn’t surprised. Only a woman would break a man like this. “She packed and left the house?”
Zachary rubbed his forearm agitatedly. “No, she’s dying. The doctors can’t do anything for her.”
Dumbfounded, Corey took a few steps back, scratching his chin. “Fuck!” He interlocked his fingers, holding them behind the back of his neck, affected by his friend’s pain.
Zachary dropped to the ground and burst into unrestrained tears from raw pain. Corey had never heard such a sound from a man, not even an animal. It was excruciating and intense. Tears filled his own eyes, heartbroken. Squatting, Corey leaned close to a distraught Zachary and placed his hand on his shoulder. “Shit, man, I don’t know what to say or do, only I am sorry. This isn’t right. You don’t deserve this, and neither does she. I see the love you two have for each other, and it is just not fair. I am here for you. I’ll stand by you all the way until the inevitable happens. You have to be strong, because you are her support system now, no time to drag yourself into the hole you just dug yourself out of. Do
you hear me?” He paused for a sign, any indication that Zachary understood, but nothing. He continued to groan in pain, shifting his shoulders away from Corey’s reach. Dragging himself up, he managed to stand on his feet, wobbled to the back of the car, and fell into the seat. Within seconds, he began to snore. Corey closed the door and drove him home.
The moment he closed the door with Zachary’s full weight on his arms, the fluorescent porch light from his condo immediately came on, then the door swung open. Courtney emerged in a white nightgown and a red head scarf. One look at Zachary in Corey’s arms and she couldn’t help but feel the heavy weight of guilt on her conscience.
“Hi.” She nodded at Corey and held the door as he dragged Zachary in.
Arms folded across her chest, she stood back while Corey laid Zachary on the couch. Incoherently, he gabbled some vague words and fell back asleep, his hand falling to the side. Corey turned around and gave Courtney a sympathetic look, a look she recognized. She countered with a nod and stepped out of his path.
“Thanks,” she said as he passed her.
“No problem.”
CHAPTER 28
Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.
~Marcus Aurelius
Morning had arrived, and the sun thrusted through the clouds, heralding the end of the storm. Courtney sat gazing at her image in the mirror on the dresser, wondering what Zachary, Dr. Hughes, and Mavis saw when they looked at her. She was mortified by the image looking back at her. This was not a survivor or a fighter. All she saw was feeble, lost child. Her eyes roamed over her gaunt features, her thinning hair, and more fallen strands lying on her pillow that morning. She pulled open the first drawer on the dresser, a surprise from Zachary a week ago, his reasons being he needed to give the home a female touch for her luxury. She took out a pair of scissors and held the tips of the damaged hair hanging from her roots and dangling pathetically from a ponytail. With no hesitation, she slashed it off from the base.
She sighed, admiring the once-beautiful hair in her hand.
“What are you doing?” Zachary exclaimed, crossing the threshold into the bedroom.
She shrugged. “Time to move on.”
He walked across the room and stood directly behind her, his right hand out of sight.
She continued to look at the reflection gazing back at her.
“I have a surprise for you, Courtney.”
“Another one?” she asked, sounding unimpressed, even though she was truly grateful for his efforts.
Ignoring her sour attitude, Zachary revealed the contents in his right hand by dangling it. In his hands were two plane tickets.
“What is this?”
“Take it please. Just have a look.”
She took it from his hands and undid the ticket jacket. Her eyes flew open, and she broke down into irrepressible tears. Not quite what Zachary was expecting, he was at a loss for words, confused. It definitely wasn’t his intention to make her cry.
“Courtney?” He touched her shoulder.
“Oh my God, Zachary, I can’t believe you did this…” Her voice saturated with tears, she stared at the tickets to Jakarta, Indonesia, and a domestic flight to Borobudur.
“I have dreamed of this day all my life. Since I was fifteen years old, lost in the system. Oh, Zachary…” She hopped to her feet and sprung into his arms. He held her trembling body and closed his eyes, tears drizzling down from the crook of his neck where her face was buried.
“I haven’t been this happy since…” Her voice trailed off as she tried to call to memory a time she was this happy. “Never.”
“You deserve this and more, my love.”
***
Courtney knocked on Mavis’s door. Surprised by her visit, the older lady pulled her into her arms. When they pulled apart, she glanced at the head scarf Courtney was wearing, and she felt a knot in her stomach tighten. Immediately, she intuited there was something going on, something bad. She took a step back, staring at Courtney. Courtney simply nodded, confirming her fears without words. Mavis turned around, checking her emotions in order not to upset the young woman she had grown to love like her own daughter.
“Going through chemo?”
Courtney shook her head. “It’s too late for that.”
“What do you mean?”
“There is nothing that can be done. The growth has traveled to other crucial parts of my body, and no amount of chemo can fight it all, so I decided to stop. I’d prefer to live my last days happy, which I must confess, I’m struggling with. No matter how much I assure my loved ones I am at peace with it.”
“Oh my God. My child.” Mavis covered her mouth with her palm, clearly shaken by the news.
Feeling bad for springing such bad news on her, Courtney took a few steps closer and pulled her into a hug. “It’s okay. It’s not that bad. I promise. It’s scary, but I’m learning each day to accept it. Please don’t cry for me.” She expected today to be the last time she’d see Mavis. Not because she thought she was dying tomorrow, but always wondering if today would be their last time together was overwhelming, and she didn’t want to relive it constantly. So it actually was goodbye. Goodbye to a dear friend. A total stranger who held her hand through the dark into the light. She broke away from Mavis, giving her a comforting smile.
Mavis stepped back and gestured to her to have a seat across from her. “Are you by yourself? You are not going through this alone, are you?” She sniffled and yanked a tissue paper from the dispenser on her desk.
“No, I’m not. Zachary moved me into his home, and he’s taking good care of me.”
Mavis’s eyes widened. “He is?”
“Surprising, huh? I know. He’s God sent. At a point I thought I was his angel, to help guide him to the light, but it turns out he is my angel.”
Mavis agreed with a nod. “I am relieved to hear that.” After a short pause, she asked, almost regretfully, “How long do you have?”
Courtney exhaled. “Maximum is five years, minimum is six weeks.”
Mavis gasped. “Six weeks?”
“Could be anytime. Only God has the answers.”
“I shall be praying for mercy and a miracle,” Mavis said, clearly a true believer of the gospel.
“I appreciate that,” Courtney said, knowing in her heart her end had already been documented, but she didn’t want to break the old lady’s heart with pessimism.
“Have you been in touch with William since the divorce?”
Courtney shook her head.
“I think you should. Inform him about your status. You two have history, and he was there for you in the beginning. Just make amends.”
“I seriously doubt he’ll want anything to do with me. He is happy now, and I’m okay with it. We already made our peace once we signed those papers.”
“Well, I am happy you have Zachary in your life.”
“Me too.”
***
Zachary did not waste time with the travel plans. They were all set to leave five days after he presented Courtney with the tickets. On the eve of their trip, Courtney received a call from Jane Preston. The call came as a surprise not only to her, but to Zachary as well. Jane asked to meet her that afternoon for lunch, and Courtney reluctantly agreed.
After the call ended, she scowled at Zachary accusingly. “Did you tell Jane to ask me out for lunch? You know I don’t do pity stuff.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, I just agreed to go out with Jane this afternoon, and I could feel it in her pity-saturated voice that it was being forced on her.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t talked to Jane about you. Corey knows, but the last time I checked, he hadn’t said anything to Jane, because we both know how she can be.”
“How?”
Zachary shrugged. “She can be overprotective and intrusive when it comes to the people she loves. I doubt
she knows anything, Courtney. She’s just asking you out to lunch, I guess to get to know her friend’s girlfriend. Knowing her, it’s a way to keep me close to the family in order not to lose me like she did the last few years. She’s a good friend and a good person. I wouldn’t worry about it. She might give you a few jabs here and there, but that’s Jane.”
“Jabs?” She raised an eyebrow.
“Ah, yeah. She’s fierce. Don’t go breaking her best friend’s heart kind of jab.”
Courtney sighed. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt.”
“Good, because I need to go. I’ll be in the office late into the night. I have a bunch of projects and paperwork to go through before we leave tomorrow.” He kissed her forehead, snatched his camouflage backpack off the couch, and headed for the door. Courtney glanced at the wall clock and decided to pack for the trip since her afternoon was booked.
***
Jane sat across from Courtney, who had arrived at the restaurant a few minutes after her. She rummaged through her purse in search of her cellphone, a look of fatigue across her pretty face.
“I need to keep an eye on my phone. Ana had a rough night. She overate and spent the night throwing up. It kept me up all night.”
She settled down, placing the phone on the table. “Sorry for the short notice. I know you guys are leaving for your trip tomorrow, so I wanted to do this today.”
Courtney subconsciously played with the tip of the scarf covering her uneven, self-cut hair. Jane noticed but chose to ignore it. A waitress approached the table and took their order. Seconds after departing, silence lingered between the two ladies as Jane collected her thoughts.
“A few nights ago, Corey left home in the middle of the night after receiving an odd phone call from Zachary. Naturally, I was worried, so I stayed up until he returned. When I questioned him, he confessed a secret he’s been keeping from me, and it was about you.” Jane avoided mentioning the C word. “I don’t want you to feel any kind of way about me reaching out. I applaud you for your strength and your unselfish love. You take good care of Zachary, yet you have this weight on your own shoulders. You’re a phenomenal woman, and I needed you to know that.” She stretched her hand across the table, taking Courtney’s hand. “Corey and I are available to you two anytime you need us. Be it errands, cooking, anything. I don’t want you to stress over anything. Just focus on yourself and Zachary. You’re so good for him, and you’ve changed him in so many ways you have absolutely no idea about, and for that we are truly grateful.” Tears filled her eyes. “You have a sister now, Courtney. Don’t try to do this on your own. Please do not hesitate to call on me and Corey.”
