by Alison Mello
She swiftly adopted a professional tone. “I’ll place the order. Please have a seat, Mr. Reid.”
Zachary moved to the door and glanced out the window, his mind drifting to work and Courtney. So profoundly engaged was he in his inner thoughts, he did not realize when the customer walked out or when Marcy went to the back to arrange his order.
“Mr. Reid…” He faintly heard her voice behind him. He swiveled around and met her worried gaze with a smile.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
“Couldn’t be better.”
She placed the beautiful bouquet on the counter and rang up his purchase. Zachary could sense her controlling her keenness to ask about his private business. He understood. Anyone would be surprised by the unexplained changes in his life. He couldn’t comprehend how good life had been to him in the past few months. Even with Courtney’s health problems, he’d been much happier and optimistic since she walked into his life.
“Thanks, Marcy.” He handed her a fifty-dollar bill and picked up the bouquet, which smelled divine. “Keep the change, Marcy,” he said and strolled out.
On the drive home, he picked up his phone from the center console and dialed Courtney. It went to voicemail after the fifth ring. He smiled to himself, knowing exactly what she was up to—making his favorite creamy Tuscan chicken. He interpreted what she meant by there would be a surprise waiting for him. He had a little surprise of his own and couldn’t wait to hold her in his arms.
He arrived home about thirty minutes later and opened the front door, barely able to control his happiness. His bliss was instantly replaced with terror when he was met with complete darkness and an empty living room. He dropped the bouquet and his work files on the couch and called out Courtney’s name. She wouldn’t be in the kitchen since the lights were off and there was no aroma of food being prepared. He rushed up the staircase four steps at a time and raced toward the bedroom. He flicked the light switch on and found Courtney in bed, her head propped up with an extra pillow. She looked pale, her lips whitish, and her body cold and stiff. For a few seconds, Zachary stood by the door, paralyzed by fright.
“Courtney?” he whispered. It took a lot from him to take a step toward the bed. Standing by her side with tears in his eyes, he carefully turned her hand over and placed two fingertips gently at the fold of her wrist. After a few seconds, he felt her pulse, but it was faint. He placed his ear to her mouth and listened. The sound was faint, but he was certain it was there. He pulled his cellphone from his pocket and dialed 911, requesting the operator to dispatch an ambulance to his location.
He clambered into the bed and moved Courtney’s body up so that he was sitting behind her, positioned between his thighs, her head on his chest. He covered her with a blanket and with his arms around her, cuddled her, murmuring words of encouragement, impelling her to fight and not give up on them so soon.
He placed her on the bed a few minutes later when the paramedics arrived. On the ride to the hospital, he held her hands tightly, even when the paramedics tried without much success to move him away so they could work on her. They worked around him.
Their hands were glued together when they arrive at the hospital, Courtney on the gurney and he running beside her.
“We can take it from here, sir,” a nurse politely said to him. “Please let her go.”
Zachary clutched her hand harder.
“Sir?” She raised her voice this time, and he released her. The hospital crew vanished behind the double doors, leaving him wrecked and confused. He paced the halls like a stray wounded dog, barking at any soul who dared to address him. His hands trembled uncontrollably, and he struggled in vain to control his emotions.
“Fuck!” he howled, blaming himself for leaving her. She looked so happy this morning. She was glowing after they made love, and all she could talk about was their amazing trip to Borobudur. She had never shared her experience with the healer with him, and he didn’t want her to. It was a sacred and private moment for her, but he saw a tremendous change in her after that experience. She joked more, her dim eyes turned perkier with joy and hope, and he had fantasized that she was miraculously healed. Until today.
Medical staff marched in and out of the double doors, and he grew more agitated with each passing second. After what felt like a lifetime, a middle-aged man in a white coat approached him. Zachary, able to easily read a person’s demeanor, analyzed him as he inched closer. As long as he had been waiting for answers, he couldn’t move a muscle toward the gentleman. He just stood in place and stared.
A sympathetic smile tugged at the doctor’s lips as he reached Zachary. “Are you family?” he asked.
“Yes, I am,” Zachary replied without a thought.
A bit skeptical about his response, the doctor paused for a second, considering whether or not to release any details of his patient to him.
“Is she…?” Tears filled Zachary’s eyes, and the doctor instantly felt his connection to the patient.
“I am Dr. Kalmati. She is fine,” he paused for a second then added, “for now. There was an artery blockage, what we call arterial thromboembolism.” Sensing Zachary’s agitation, he promptly elucidated, “She suffered a heart attack.”
“What?”
“It’s common in cancer patients. The risk of having a heart attack or stroke while undergoing chemo treatments is more than double. I see she reacted to Doxil and she stopped the treatment?”
“Yes.”
“It causes the heart muscle to weaken after chemo starts,” Dr. Kalmati explained. “She is stable now, but we will need to keep her for observation for a few more days.” He added in a much softer tone, “Her condition has worsened, sir. Her doctors might have told you a couple of months or years. Truth is, it’s just a matter of days.”
Zachary’s eyes widened in disbelief. It took everything in him not to strangle the doctor for his careless words. Before he could say anything, Dr. Kalmati said, “You should call more of her loved ones and give them a chance for her to bond with them and feel their support and love.”
Zachary raised both hands and rested them on his forehead for a moment then shoved them in his pockets. “I’m all she has.”
“I am sorry,” the doctor said kindly. “Since she decided to stop the treatment, we will monitor her for a few days, after which we will have to move her to a hospice facility where she’ll be cared for. The well-trained team will provide comfort care, pain relief, and support until the end. There will be programs you both can participate in to help with the transition.”
Zachary clenched his jaw.
“You can see her now, if you want.”
CHAPTER 32
Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard them and their value will never be known. Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Zachary stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. “Hey, beautiful.” He was surprised to see Courtney fully awake and responsive. She greeted him with a smile that did not reach her eyes. He reached for her hand and sat at the edge of the bed.
“I’m sorry I ruined our perfect night, baby,” she said.
“No, you didn’t.” Why did she have to be so kind and gracious? It broke him even more than he already was. He fought the tears back.
“Dr. Kalmati spoke to you?” she asked, and he confirmed with a nod. “It’s going to be okay, Zachary. You are going to be fine. I know you are.”
“Yeah.” He fought to keep his composure.
“How are you feeling?” he asked, not sure what to say or how to act. He pulled his hand away and stood.
“I feel better…yeah, just a bit groggy.”
“You should get some rest. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”
In the corner of the room, a couch sat facing the bed. He hovered around it for a few minutes before settling in. He leaned forward, elbows on knees, hands clasped under his chin, rocking back a
nd forth as his left foot tapped the floor. His thoughts were jumbled, unable to pick an emotion. What to do? Who to call? Where to start? The hollowness he underwent, though not a physical pain, was the most agonizing ache he had ever known. Not even when he lost his parents did he feel this much anguish. He had encountered many difficulties growing up and during his time in the Marine Corps, but not once had he experienced this much heartache. He wanted to cry and yell, yet he couldn’t. His chest tightened, and his lungs cried for air. He balled his hand into a fist and hit his chest a couple of times, jumped up, and paced. Courtney slept peacefully, as if she wasn’t desperately thumping on death’s door a few hours ago.
He stood at the foot of the bed and watched her for a long time, so meticulously he did not miss a beat at the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed.
“Oh my angel, my angel, my angel,” he murmured repeatedly.
***
Courtney opened her eyes and found Zachary fast asleep. Tears slid from her eyes, cascading over her cheek and wetting the pillow. Her heart broke for him. She sat up, resting her feet on the cold floor. Her movements, though quiet, woke him up abruptly.
“What’s wrong?” He sat up and sighed.
“Nothing. I just need to use the bathroom.”
He stood to help her up. He started to roll the IV stand, but she stopped him. “It’s okay, baby, I can do this.”
“Should I get the nurse?”
“No.”
After a few minutes, she walked back into the room, and Zachary let out a breath he was holding. “Hungry?”
She shook her head. “What time is it?”
He glanced at his wristwatch. “Two thirty-six.”
“You should go home and get some rest. I’m sure you are expected in the office in a few hours.”
“No, I’ll stay.”
Courtney sat on the bed, and he helped by lifting her legs. She allowed him, not wanting to push him away any further than she had.
“What did you think of me when you first saw me?” she asked, and her unexpected question surprised him.
His mind drifted back to the day she walked into the common room. “You strolled into the room wearing a light coffee-colored shirt and deep blue jeans. Your eyes matched your shirt. I remember thinking that. Your hair was tucked into a ponytail. Your face was perfect, and you glowed like an angel. My focus was out the window when your reflection pulled my attention. You were heading in my direction. I spun around, and your eyes instantly met mine.”
Courtney tittered with delight. “You remember what I was wearing?”
He chuckled. “I remember everything about you.”
“I remember the first time I saw you.” A sweet smile filled not just her eyes but her entire face. “Your intentions were clear as day. I saw it in your eyes. It was brief, but the chemistry was undeniable. I felt bare when you turned away…” her face dropped, “…and then you came to the diner. I was beginning to think you were either a stalker or a PI working for my husband. Then I ran into you again at the counseling center, and I knew then it wasn’t a coincidence. It was either fate or staged. When I saw the astonishment in your eyes when you looked at me, I knew it was real. And you asked my name.” A grin curved her lips as if she was envisioning the setting. She remembered how good it felt to be looked at with so much adoration. The excitement in her stomach when she boldly took a step toward him and answered his question truthfully.
“Prior to our third encounter, you appeared in my dream.” He stood up and walked behind the couch he was sitting on. Effortlessly, he pushed it closer to her bed and sat down again. “I was stranded in a war zone, alone and terrified. I knew, even in the dream, that it was the end for me. And just when I’d accepted my doom, you appeared.”
Her mouth dropped open, surprise in her eyes. “But you didn’t know me.”
“I don’t know, maybe after our second encounter I couldn’t stop thinking about you. So much so that those thoughts projected in my dreams.”
“What happened then?”
“Nothing, you just stood there. Your skin was flawless. Your eyes were celestial. It was like looking into the eyes of God. Miraculously, I began to feel safe, and that was it. The next day, my mind kept drifting to the dream, looking for hidden messages. That’s one dream I’ll never forget. When we first made love, it was perfect, satisfying, knowing you were mine and I would give my life to protect you.” He faltered. “But I failed.”
She placed her hand on top of his. “Oh, Zachary, you did not fail. This is out of our hands. I am happy, and you know why? Because I got the opportunity to experience pure love. Not many people can say that. I’m fulfilled. Rather than thinking of my death as being awful and sad, I now think of it as my aim, and it’s all because of you. You helped me get this far.”
He hunched his shoulders forward and stretched his arms out, his conscience trapped in a fusion of failure and regret.
“I love you,” she whispered.
Warm feelings took over him, soothing the desolation at his core. “To describe what I feel for you is impossible. It’s beyond words. No matter what happens, you will live in my heart for eternity, Courtney.”
“I know.”
He locked hands with her once again and rested his chin on the back of their interlocked hands. Vacantly, he stared at the white hospital sheet that covered her, and she gazed intently at him. They remained in the same position until sleep took them.
CHAPTER 33
There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.
~Anonymous
Courtney’s eyes flapped loosely, struggling to wake from an abysmal sleep. The events of the previous day deluged her memory. Her short era was almost at an end. At thirty-five years, it was supposed to be the prime of her life. Fate had been cruel to her, perhaps unmerited. She wouldn’t have hurt so much if her illness was hereditary. She’d earned it from years of being raped and abused and lack of proper medical attention. Today she lay on her deathbed. No family, no children, just a selfless man God had placed in her path to console her. Now she was taking something away from him, passing him the baton of rage and misery she’d lived with all her life.
She took in the sight of the beautiful man whose head lay at the edge of the bed. Even in his sleep she could see his sorrow. She ran her hand through his silky brown hair, and when it fell over his forehead, she blushed at how beautiful he was. His eyes jerked open from her touch, and he sat up straight on the couch fearfully.
“Are you okay? Should I get the nurse?”
“No, baby.” She stretched out her hand to him and drew him closer. “I want to say something to you. Please hear me out with an open mind.”
Concern seized him, and he nodded, not certain what he was agreeing to.
She gazed at their intertwined hands, thinking about what she was about to tell him. “Zachary…you should go back home. To Alison and the kids.”
He scowled and tried to pull his hand away, but Courtney held on firmly.
“You love her. I see it in your eyes. You feel guilty for the pain you inflicted on her, the kids, and you beat yourself up about it every day. Believe me, I know. I also know you haven’t signed the divorce papers. You pretend to hold on to it for the sake of the kids, but in truth, you hold on to it because your heart wouldn’t let go. That is love, Zachary. It doesn’t take away from what you feel for me. I also know that. She needs you and you need her. She’ll restore your joy once I’m gone. I’ll be gone soon, and you’ll need someone to care for you. Do this for me, Zachary. I’ll rest better knowing you are in safe hands.”
He managed to pull away from her and ran his hand through his hair a couple of times before resting his elbows on the bed. He dropped his head and fought the urge to sob. He opened his mouth to reply to her appeal but closed it. He couldn’t wrap his mind around what just happened. He stood on his unsteady
feet and collected himself.
A knock on the door pulled their focus away from each other. It opened, and two ladies dressed in nurses’ scrubs walked in.
“How are you feeling?” the first nurse asked, darting looks between Courtney and Zachary. It was apparent that she realized she’d walked into something.
Zachary excused himself to rush home, freshen up, and drop some documents off in the office. He pressed his lips to her brow and promised to be back as soon as he could.
***
Sick of lying in bed all morning, Courtney rolled the IV stand and paced around the room. Her oncologist and once upon a time friend Dr. Hughes had just left her. She spent over an hour with her, mostly discussing her illness and reading through a couple of brochures for hospices she highly recommended and left Courtney with a few words of inspiration.
After Dr. Hughes left, Courtney stood by the window and gazed out. She set her eyes to the heavens, taking notice of each and every shape the dusky gray clouds formed. She thought it looked mystical. She’d never taken notice of the skies as she did now. Oh, the things people took for granted.
She thought back to her childhood. Saw herself running in the courtyard of their middle-class home in Arlington, Virginia. Her father was dressed in a white t-shirt and blue shorts with images of dolphins and palm trees. He was holding the garden hose he’d just purchased, spraying her with water while she ran around screaming and laughing. He laughed too, with so much pride in his eyes. Her mother stood at the kitchen window, amused, sipping her coffee. Courtney landed on her butt on the ground and pretended to be hurt. Her father rushed to her aid, to check on his precious little angel. She threw her head back and laughed, trying to grab the hose from his hand until he chased her around the yard.
