by Alison Mello
Goosebumps covered her arms. The reverie felt real, like she’d truly traveled back in time. A knock on the door pulled her away from the window. The nurses usually knocked once then walked in, so she didn’t respond. The knock came again, this time a little firmer, and she called, “Yes?”
The door opened, and the sight of her visitor brought joy yet sadness to her. In his hand was a huge rainbow bouquet of tulips from her garden, bringing tears to her eyes, summoning back many memories, not all bad.
Her sanctuary!
“Hi.” He was standing by the door, looking defeated, unable to bring himself to approach the woman he once called his wife. A woman he loved.
“William,” she said, her voice unsteady.
“Courtney…”
“What are you doing here?” She firmed her grip around the IV pole.
“The hospital called me. I am listed as your next of kin. I missed the call but heard the voicemail this morning.”
She trundled to the bed. William walked into the room and placed the bouquet on the table beside the window. When he turned around, he saw her fidgeting with the pillow and approached her, “Let me…”
He leveled the pillow and gave it an extra pat, then helped her lay down. He took in her appearance. She had changed dramatically since the last time he saw her, the night he dropped her at home and asked for a divorce. Her hair was mostly gone, with uneven patches. Her beautiful hazel eyes looked gray and blank. Dark red circles were carved under both eyes, her full lips now thin, dry, and cracked. Her tremendous weight loss was disheartening. Her neck, now long and skinny, bore visible green and black veins. He could see her pulse pounding in her neck. His eyes traveled back to hers, and he completely broke down, jerking forward and covering his mouth with his hand to muffle the excruciating moans his unconstrained emotions released.
“I am so sorry, Courtney, I am so sorry, I am so sorry,” he sobbed.
Courtney turned her head up to the ceiling, feeling helpless. William turned around to hide his shame but carried on with the cries for a few minutes before he was able to control himself. He turned around to face her.
“Why didn’t you call me earlier?” he asked through a croaky voice.
“I didn’t think you were…”
“I love you, Court. I always have, and I always will. Anytime I close my eyes, I see you in your wedding dress walking toward me. How beautiful you looked. That was the happiest day of my life. I have thought of you every day from the day you left me. I can never move on. I haven’t been with another woman since our divorce…” He faltered for a moment. “When I listened to the voicemail this morning, I was…It broke me. I called Kristine, and she told me that your cancer had returned and you’d taken a turn for the worse. That it was only a matter of days now…”
She stretched her hand for his, and he knelt, resting his head on their entwined hands, and continued to sob.
“Forgive me for all the pain and grief I caused you. I was supposed to protect you. I failed, wretchedly. I don’t deserve you. I never did.”
“William, I forgave you a long time ago. I know your heart. I don’t and I never doubted your love for me. You fought for us. I saw you fall out with your family and friends. I saw the pressure you were under. We are only human, and we make mistakes. What you did to me wasn’t you. I knew that. Don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t give me cancer.”
She looked at his cufflinks and beamed. It was the first gift she ever gave him. It was on their wedding night. “You kept these?”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
She looked at him, still on his knees. She’d seen many sides of William, but this was new. He was truly humbled.
She hadn’t lied to him; she had forgiven him long before he divorced her. When she was initially diagnosed, he was there. He had taken care of her. She would have drowned in debt if she didn’t have him. Now she had the means to pay her hospital bills, thanks to him again.
“They are from my garden?” She nodded to the bouquet.
“Yes.”
“I can’t believe you kept the garden alive. They look well and fresh.”
He picked up the bouquet and handed them to her. She took in a long whiff. “Oh, my babies. How I missed you.” Courtney laughed.
The rich sound of her laughter warmed his aching heart. A sound he missed terribly. “That’s how I stay close to you, Court.”
Their smiles faded away, but their gazes stayed glued to each other, each in their own way reminiscing what they individually deemed as the good times.
“You’ll find love again, William. And when you do, love her like it’s your last. Love her with everything you have. And like you fought for me, do the same for her. Don’t hurt her in any way. Don’t stress over the little things, especially the unjust burden your family lays on your shoulders. Life is short. Embrace every moment of it.”
The door swung open, breaking the moment they shared.
“I heard you laughing right…” Zachary stopped and gazed warily at the man standing over Courtney. He took a few steps into the room and placed the grocery bags he had in his hands on the table and looked at Courtney, giving her the opportunity to enlighten him.
She looked up at her guest, smiling, which surprised Zachary. Hearing her laugh surprised him even more.
“William, this is Zachary.” She paused for a moment, not sure how to explain Zachary’s role in her life. “Zachary, William, my ex-husband.”
Remembering the years this man had abused Courtney gnawed at him. Zachary scowled at William, who stood respectfully by her side. He stretched his hand out for a handshake. Zachary looked at her, and she willed him with her eyes to take it. Due to the respect he held for her, he swallowed his pride and took the devil’s hand. Their eyes locked for a moment—hate in Zachary’s and repentance in William’s.
“I’ll be leaving now,” said William. “I’ll check in again tonight and have a chat with Kristine.”
“Take care, William,” Courtney said affectionately, earning a frown from Zachary.
William bid her farewell with a nod and walked out with a brief glance at Zachary.
CHAPTER 34
The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved.
~Victor Hugo
“You look happy,” Zachary said in a tone that sounded like mockery to Courtney.
“He had good intentions.”
“Now he does.”
“Don’t do that, Zachary. We’ve all made mistakes. You weren’t an angel yourself. You have your own flaws and hurt another woman, whom I’m certain is a good woman. William deserves compassion just like the rest of us. If I can let go of past hurts, you can too.”
“You introduced me as just Zachary, like you didn’t want to tell him the truth.”
“I didn’t do that to disparage you in any way. I just…we had a chat this morning before you ran off.”
The reminder shot anger through him. “I am not going to discuss that. Everyone seems to think they know what is good for me except me.”
“Come here.” He obliged and inched closer to the bed. “I just want you to be happy. Feel less guilty and let go of your pride.”
“You believe me going back to Alison will bring me that absolution?”
“I believe so. Yes.”
“Then you don’t know me at all.”
“May I ask you a question?” She took his silence for assent. “Do you still love her?”
Zachary’s features hardened, his eyes never leaving hers.
“Why haven’t you signed the divorce papers, Zachary?” she said after a brief pause.
He walked to the corner of the room to the couch, dropped onto it, crossed his legs, and slid his palms over his thighs.
“I told you, she’s the mother of my kids, and I’ll always love and respect her. Whether or not I have feelings for her doesn’t matter because she’ll never forgive me for my mistakes. She is terrified of me. She believed one day I’d kill her, the kids
, and myself. That’s how much she abhors me. I don’t see her ever sharing my bed again. And yes, part of me wants to keep our family together, hence my reluctance to sign the papers.”
“When was the last time you looked in her eyes and had a genuine conversation with her?” Courtney asked.
“We don’t talk anymore. We can’t even stand to be under the same roof. All communication is done through lawyers and the intermediate person that monitors my time with my kids.”
“When was the last time you saw her?”
“Not since she kicked me out and asked me for a divorce.”
“So she has not had the chance to see the new Zachary. The real man behind the monster she once knew.” Courtney met his gaze. “You should talk to her,” she urged. “At least for the kids. They’re already feeling the separation. You don’t want them to grow up knowing the two people who gave them life hate each other. Let them see the respect and love you have for their mother. Don’t sit back doing nothing as they grow in this hostile mess you created. Your son is studying you, noting how you handle conflicts. You might not realize it, but he is, and what he sees is how he’ll deal with his own battles in future. I might not have children, but one thing I know is everything you do is a seed you are sowing in them. Be sure to sow the right seed.”
Zachary visibly relaxed, seeming to consider her counsel. Knowing him as well as she did now, she stopped herself from going any further. If there was one thing she was certain about Zachary Reid, it was that he did not like to be pressured. Leaving it like this was best; he’d come to his own decision.
“How are you feeling?” he asked, already knowing the answer. He’d been watching the woman he loved deteriorate before him, and at a fast pace. When he looked at her, all he saw was the woman who had sauntered into the common room that day, with her luscious brown hair, vibrant eyes, full lips, and impeccable curves. Created to perfection. He noted in that moment that she was the one. Better late than never.
“Paralyzed,” she simply said.
There were two sharp knocks on the door, then it opened without a response, and Jane and Corey Preston stepped in. Jane carried a basket filled with oranges, pears, and grapes. Corey stood behind her with a bouquet in one hand and a greeting card in the other.
Even though Jane’s eyes were filled with tears, she tried to act strong in order not to upset Courtney, hanging on to the little time they had left and the recent friendship they had formed. Without warning, her tears sprang loose and rolled down her cheeks.
Corey passed a handkerchief to her. “How are you feeling?”
She shrugged, unable to speak from the emotions welled up in her throat.
He set the vase on the table and placed his hand on her shoulder. “Courtney, I am a lawyer, and I talk a lot. I basically have an answer to any and every question thrown at me. Not this moment, not this time. I don’t have the right words. I don’t know what the right words are. I am so sorry this happened to such a beautiful person. I told Ana I met an angel. She wants to meet you but…” He swallowed back tears. “She made this for you.” He passed the card to her, and she opened it with unsteady hands.
A tear fell from her eye as she looked at an attempted drawing of an angel and the name “Ana” written at the bottom.
“It’s an angel,” Corey clarified.
“I can see that.” Courtney chuckled. “It’s lovely. I’d love to meet her.”
“I can bring her over on Saturday,” Jane offered.
Courtney smiled. “That’d be nice.”
Zachary sat on the couch and perceived the love Courtney was surrounded by. He wished he could give her this forever. He’d been in denial over her sickness and the inevitable end. In spite of that, he was gradually and sorely accepting the truth. Staring at the floor, he fought to regulate his breathing as he felt a looming panic attack preparing to explode.
CHAPTER 35
In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.
~Abraham Lincoln
Zachary placed a big brown box on the table across from Courtney and glanced at a hospice brochure on the table. “Did you read through this?”
Straightening the silk scarf on her head, Courtney replied, “I was hoping you did that. I am tired and in no position to make such decisions. I gave you power of attorney.”
“All right, I’ll do that tonight.”
He removed the lid of the box and dropped it on the table then pulled out a plain white canvas, palette, and a small box she recognized contained her oil paint. A sad yet enchanting smile curved her lips. She hadn’t painted or had the opportunity to since her illness returned.
Zachary grinned. “You think you’re in the mood to make some magic?”
“I love you,” she professed, overflowing with appreciation for the man that had stood by her side through all. In her heart, she would have died long before this moment if she didn’t have him. God loved her after all. She pushed her frail body up by her elbows. A searing pain shot through her nerves, but she instantly tucked the unpleasant feeling away. Zachary approached her and shoved an extra pillow behind her for support.
“You ready?”
She nodded. “I don’t need the paint. Just the pencils.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
He pushed the tray over her lap and placed the canvas before her. Courtney gazed at the naked board, taking a moment to summon her inner strength. After a deep breath, she picked up the pencil. The moment the tip of the pencil touched the canvas, she looked different. Extraordinary.
Zachary studied her, fighting with the reality before him and hoping he woke up from the nightmare soon.
He picked up the brochure Dr. Kristine Hughes dropped off earlier and got comfortable on the couch. The facility was more appealing the more he read. It was beautiful and looked serene. He appreciated their counseling services for patients and loved ones to help with the transition.
The transition…
Harsh reality again nibbled at his brain. He clenched his hands into fists to stop the impending upsurge of tears.
It was well over an hour before Courtney spoke to him again, finally taking a break.
“May I see?” he asked.
“No!” Her eyes and nostrils flared, and Zachary snickered.
“I feel a little lightheaded. I’m just going to lie down for a bit and continue later.” She turned the canvas upside down and gave him a warning expression when he tried to move the tray away.
“I won’t look. I promise.”
The nurse walked in momentarily to check on her. “Dr. Hughes will see you tomorrow.”
“Is everything all right?” Zachary asked.
“It’s fine. It’s just standard procedure. She might be released soon.” She glanced at the brochure lying on the couch, and he caught the direction of her eyes.
“I am working on it,” he said. “I’ll finalize it tomorrow.”
“All right.” She left them alone again.
Courtney laid her head back and closed her eyes. When he was sure she’d drifted off, Zachary released the tears he’d been holding in. He stared at her frail body, the protruding bones in her limbs and visible veins in her neck. Even with her eyes closed, he could see how deep they had sunk in. Her face was pale white, the skin wrinkled. Courtney had aged by forty years in the last few days.
He had the answers to almost everything and had saved many lives, but this…this was something that rendered him pathetic. Courtney moaned, her features revealing the pain her body was going through, and the sight broke him even more.
He closed his own eyes after a few minutes, drifting away into a deep sleep.
“You know you don’t have to do this alone, right?” Alison touched his shoulder, and he found himself moving away from her touch. A touch he once craved.
“Yes, Zachary. We are here for you.” Sgt. Pierce took a few steps closer to him.
Zachary stared at him, recalling vividly how his head had
been severed from his body. He felt cold and moved away from their reach. Behind him, another voice spoke.
“It’s going to be fine, baby.”
“Mom?” He gawked at her, fear urging him to look around for his father. He swallowed a lump in his throat and spun around a couple of times. He found himself glaring at a casket. In it lay Courtney, looking as beautiful as the first time they met. She wore a green dress, a chunk of the garment hanging out from the casket. She looked impeccable. It appeared as though she was sleeping…
A pain shot through his chest, and he abruptly opened his eyes, his pulse staggering as he battled with his discomposure. Through his blurred vision and in his muddled state, he tried to make sense of his surroundings. When he came to a few seconds later, his brows furrowed at the sight before him.
“Are you all right?” William asked, sympathy in his eyes and speech. He was seated in a chair right beside Courtney, who was still sleeping.
“What are you doing here?” Zachary asked, his tone raised enough to exhibit his distaste yet not loud enough to wake Courtney.
William looked away, keeping his focus on her.
“Twice in one day? You must be feeling guilty.” Zachary leaned forward and ran his hands over his face.
“I just want to spend time with her, if you don’t mind.”
Many distasteful thoughts ran through Zachary’s mind, including the urge to punch him. Her words about compassion and not judging others when his hands weren’t clean made him bite his tongue and swallow his pride.
He stood and walked toward the door.
“I took care of her hospice stay,” William said, and Zachary swiveled around, his eyes blazing with rage.
“Your money and power are no good here. I’m taking care of that.”
William raised both hands up like he was surrendering. “I have been in your position before. I know the burden it brings. It’s isolating and hectic. I just want to help, that’s all. I am in no way disrespecting your abilities. I’m sure you can understand that.”
