by Alison Mello
“Excuse me?” Zachary took a step closer, his voice raised and not caring who heard him.
The heart monitor attached to Courtney’s side beeped rapidly on high volume. Zachary stopped mid-stride, his finger pointing at William, and glanced at her. She gagged, desperately struggling to breathe. William leaped up and ran to the door, screaming for a nurse.
“Courtney?” Zachary rushed to her side. The nurses barged in, pushing William out of their way, the noise of rumbling carts of equipment filling the room.
“Step aside, sir!” one nurse yelled at Zachary. “Step aside!” she yelled again when he didn’t move.
William rushed back in, grabbed both his arms, and gave him a strong shake. “Come on, man. There is nothing you can do. Let them take it from here.” William dragged him out of the room while he screamed out Courtney’s name at the top of his lungs.
Zachary yanked his arms from William’s grip the second they were out of the room and straightened his shirt. He ran his hands through his hair and paced frantically in the hallway.
“What’s taking so fucking long?” he bellowed then squatted to his knees. He stared at the door, his hot temper peculiarly calming down. He jumped to his feet and strode away.
William stared after him, pity filling him to the brim. Helpless, he folded his arms across his chest and leaned on the wall adjacent to Courtney’s room.
CHAPTER 36
Nothing is worth more than this day.
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The chapel was dark when Zachary walked in. He stood at the end of the aisle, not certain what he was doing in this place. He hadn’t been to church since the christening of his goddaughter Ana. He’d lost hope and his faith after his experiences in the Marines. The unceasing flow of blood, the deaths at his own hands, the cold and vicious world he’d witnessed. It all made him question his faith, question God, and question his very existence.
Today, he stood in His house, at His mercy, seeking compassion and craving a miracle. He hadn’t been loyal to Him. Why would God oblige him? Why did he lose every good thing that came into his life? Did God hate him that much?
Zachary stood motionless, contemplating whether or not to make a move toward the altar. He was desperate. Where else could he go? After a few moments that felt like eternity, he bravely took a few steps forward, his footsteps echoing around the hollow room. Candles burning around a huge statue of Christ nailed to the cross guided his path. He didn’t stop until he reached the first step to the podium.
He dropped to his knees on the hard stone floor, overwhelmed with the pressure from the cross he carried. Tears escaped his eyes, conquering him.
“Don’t take her away from me,” he sobbed. “Don’t do this.” He confronted the statue before him. “I haven’t asked for much. I didn’t question You when my mother died. I didn’t question You when I lived in fear under my father’s vicious attacks. I never questioned You when I saw women being raped and killed or when I witnessed my entire squad burn to their deaths. I stopped believing, but I never questioned You. Why have You abandoned me? Where were You when I was spiraling out of control, abusing my wife, terrifying my children? Why have You left me stranded in this cold world? And why are You taking away the only woman I have ever truly connected with? Why, God, why?” Tears flowed steadily, maintaining the pace between the streams of words from his heart.
His tears fizzled as an unfamiliar feeling of comfort touched his soul. His distressed mind began to accept the reality of the present.
William had entered the room a few minutes earlier, awed by the scene. A cold chill raced through him as he walked down the aisle, heartbroken by the sight. He stopped by the first pew and sat down, tears flowing down his own face.
Zachary stood to his full height and turned around. Seeing William looking clearly distraught did nothing to cool his heated temper.
“I know you blame me for a lot of things,” William said, his voice rich and sounding better than how he looked.
“You don’t know what I think,” Zachary snapped and brushed past him.
“She’s fine. Stable now,” William said, and Zachary stopped.
He let out a shuddering breath and glanced at the statue behind him with gratitude.
“Thank you,” William said.
Narrowing his dark eyes at him, Zachary said, “Whatever for?”
“Taking care of Courtney. She’s been through a lot and deserved better than the world offered her.”
Zachary sat in the first pew on the opposite side of William. “It is not my place to judge you. I don’t have that right. That’d make me a hypocrite. I am far from a saint. I probably caused more harm to my soon to be ex-wife than you did Courtney. She talked about you, and from what I got from her, you were under a lot of pressure and did the best you could. Not that it excuses the abuse, we all deserve compassion. Her words.”
“She has a beautiful heart.”
“Yeah. She’s a better person than I am or will ever be.”
William nodded in agreement. “Me too.”
“You went through this once?” Zachary asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Her illness.” Since the diagnosis, he had never been able to say the “C” word. It was too painful for him to accept. Cancer. Such a terrible and terrifying word. He irrationally believed if he avoided saying it, it wouldn’t be true. It would all be just a terrible nightmare from which he’d soon awake.
“It was difficult…going through the chemo process. The emotional strain it took on us, and seeing her fade right away, unable to fix the problem, it was hard. When the doctor told us she was in remission….” He scoffed, remembering how happy they were to receive the news, the relief they felt. Months after that, they took a cross country road trip, gratified to be alive.
“We take things for granted until we are faced with death. That’s one thing I took from our circumstances. Though the doctors warned that these things are unpredictable, that the cancer might return, we were optimistic. We knew we had won. Beaten the fate,” he scoffed. “We were just a pawn in His game.” He glanced up at the statue.
“It’s not our place to question His judgments.” Zachary’s response surprised him as he had lost hope in the Lord’s words a long time ago. Yet something about tonight brought him harmony and acceptance of her fate. It appeased his troubled heart and tainted soul. The sooner he accepted the facts, the better off he would be. It took a while, but at last he saw the truth. “We should learn to forgive ourselves. That might actually be harder. I learned finding peace within starts the healing process. You are in a better place than I am.”
“How is that?” asked William.
“She forgave you. She loves and cares for you. You’re here, and that means you are trying to do the right thing. The people I have hurt either haven’t forgiven me or never had the opportunity to. My soul is burdened, and my spirit is restless. Through this experience, I have learned about self-love and second chances. After all this is said and done, I’ll have to pick up the pieces and be strong. Not just for me, for my children. That’s a responsibility I cannot walk away from.”
While regret continued to eat at his soul, despair steadied at William’s core. He saw Zachary’s pain and affliction, making him realize how sheltered and fortunate he had been.
CHAPTER 37
There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart.
~Gandhi
“Hey. You look…” Courtney grinned, thinking of the best adjective to describe his appearance. “Foxylicious!”
“Foxylicious, huh?” Zachary chuckled.
“Yeah.” She tried to sit up, and he dashed to her aid.
“I’m fine. I feel great, actually.”
“Really?”
“Dr. Hughes was here earlier. It rose my spirits.”
“I’m glad.”
“Where have you been this morning?”
“A meeting with a client. I stayed he
re through the night. I had to rush home earlier to freshen up.”
“I’m grateful to that client,” she said coyly.
He raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t look that bad.”
“You looked hideous. The sight was killing me faster than my illness.” She laughed, and he chuckled, appreciating the joke.
“Well, I’m glad I am the reason for your cheerfulness.”
“You always are.” She studied him for a moment then said, “William was here this morning.”
Zachary remained indifferent with his expression. Courtney stayed quiet, waiting for some sort of reaction.
“He was here last night. He spent time by your side before the…” Zachary swallowed, not wanting to relive last night’s experience.
“Yeah, he mentioned. He seems to like you.”
“He’s not bad, I guess.” He shrugged.
“Aww, you boys bonded.” She clasped her hands together, bringing them to her chest, her eyes gleaming with pride.
“I’m glad you are amused. You seem happy today.”
“I feel fantastic. Extremely content, matter of fact.”
Zachary glanced at the canvas that was turned over, hidden from prying eyes.
“Don’t even think about it,” Courtney cautioned, catching the direction of his eyes.
“Why?”
“You know why. An artist never reveals her work until it’s complete.”
“Well, are you going to complete it soon?”
“Why are you so eager?”
Zachary walked back to his favorite couch, which had lodged him for the last couple of days. “Because I miss your work. You haven’t done any lately.”
“You know, when I’m gone, my work could become quite valuable.”
He frowned. “I never thought of that.”
“Yeah, too bad I won’t be able to see it.”
Her mood soured, and her dainty eyes dimmed but quickly recovered. “We should have lunch today. Order in something fancy like buttered shrimp, ravioli, or a pasta dish with clam sauce,” she said cheerily.
Zachary snickered. “What did they do to you when I left?”
She laid her head back on the pillow, her scarf shifting from its place. She pulled it off and tossed it on the table beside the bed. “I guess I have my highs and lows. This exact moment I feel good, so I’m making the best of it.”
He pulled his cell phone from his back pocket and dialed the number to an Italian restaurant nearby and ordered exactly what she asked for.
“You want to take a walk?” he asked after he hung up. “It’s pretty outside today. You’ve been cooped up here for too long. The fresh air will do you some good.”
“You don’t need to sell it. I’m all in.” Courtney sat up, reaching for her silk robe that hung over the back of a chair beside her bed.
“Do you need me to call the nurse?” Zachary asked.
“What for?”
“Don’t we need to tell them our plans?”
She grinned, adoring his sense of responsibility. “We will, on our way out. They are right outside the door. Come, let’s get in some fresh air before lunch arrives.” He took her hand, helping her to her feet. In his arms, her body felt frail and fragile. He held her close and securely to his chest like her life depended on it.
The gentle breeze outside urged the leaves to dance, and dance they did, swirling gracefully around them. Courtney spread her arms wide, face toward the skies with her eyes closed. She took in a deep breath and twirled around, stopping in front of Zachary. “The things we take for granted,” she crooned.
He nodded sadly. “Yeah.”
They walked on the pavement around the lawn to an empty bench facing the back entrance of the hospital. The shade the trees provided was a calming relief from the blazing sun, which didn’t seem to bother Courtney.
Zachary undid a button on his shirt, his arm now resting along the back of the bench behind her. She leaned into him, taking in a lungful of the cologne he wore. A scent she loved to sniff anytime he was close to her.
“You gave me a scare last night,” he said.
“I know. I’m sorry. Each day is a blessing.”
“Weird thing was, I was about to get into it with William. I had completely lost my cool…” his voice dropped to a whisper, “…when it happened.”
“I didn’t hear a thing. When I came to, you were sound asleep on the couch.”
He rubbed his chin with his hand and threw his head back. “Damn, this is hard, baby.”
“I know it is. I am sorry you had to see that.”
“Don’t be. I’m just…it’s difficult feeling paralyzed. I completely lost it. One moment I was being dragged out of the room screaming, and the next I was kneeling at the altar begging God for another chance.”
They remained quiet, both taking in his words.
“William took care of my stay at the hospice.”
He scoffed. “Yeah, that got to me.”
“I told him he should have checked with you first. He didn’t mean to undermine you. He figured he was giving us a break. One less thing to stress about.”
“I guess.”
“Dr. Hughes said I can move as early as Monday.”
“You’re ready to get out of here, huh? I don’t blame you. This place is disheartening.”
“How is the business? Everything going as planned?”
He nodded. “It is, surprisingly. I’m glad I took them up on their offer. I would have missed out terribly if I didn’t.”
“I hope I am not getting in the way of anything.”
“What do you mean?” He peered down at her while her focus stayed forward, her almost bald head glistening in the brightness of the sun. He was glad she had decided to show her real self to the world. This was her story, and it was right to stay true to herself. He leaned forward and kissed her scalp. It felt delicate against his lips. He rested his cheek on it and took in a deep breath.
“I’m taking you away from important meetings and training sessions.”
“No, you are more valuable than any of that. Don’t worry about the business. It is good, and my partners are pleased.”
“I’m proud of you, baby.”
“I didn’t do much. I just wrote a check.”
“Well you put it to good use, and stop talking down about your competencies. You are doing great. I’ve read horror stories about returnees suffering from PTSD. You beat it. You are strong and truly blessed.”
He stayed quiet and listened to her go on about his best qualities. She was right. He’d been so busy taking the beating and dwelling on the past, he failed to acknowledge his achievements. Celebrating his triumphs wasn’t such a bad idea, except he’d be lacking one thing: a loving, trustworthy woman by his side. The thought of losing her once more pierced through his heart.
“Courtney?” a woman’s voice sounded behind them. They both swiveled around, and Courtney beamed in sheer delight.
“Miss Mavis!”
The older lady remained in her spot, tightly gripping the strap of her black leather purse, struggling to conceal her concern as she stared at Courtney. She couldn’t believe how fast she had deteriorated. Her dramatic weight loss, her bald head, her pale skin…Courtney cautiously rose to her feet, weary from her energetic performance that morning. She opened her arms, and Mavis moved in for a hug.
“Oh my friend, oh my friend…” Mavis muttered with tears in her eyes.
Zachary observed as the two women embraced, grateful for the joy she was experiencing. He stood up and excused himself to check on the food delivery.
Mavis and Courtney sat on the bench, holding on to each other. Courtney rested her head on Mavis’ shoulders and closed her eyes. An image of her own mother embracing her flashed through her memory. It felt good. She was happy.
“How did you find me?” Courtney asked.
“It’s a long story. After you helped us with the renovation plans and everything you did for us after your Indonesia trip, I t
ried calling you to express my gratitude. You have done so much for us with that hefty donation, we decided to forgo the renovations and build a new center, a bigger one that will accommodate thousands of women and children. We received additional donations, though none as big as yours.” Mavis leaned closer, cupping Courtney’s cheeks in her palms. “We are naming the center the Courtney Greene Center for Women and Children.”
Tears sprang to Courtney’s eyes, her heart bursting with gratitude. When her emotions subsided, Mavis continued.
“Your phone has been off. I have been calling you for days now to tell you about our decision. I panicked.” She sniffed back tears. “I thought I’d lost a friend and I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. After lots of calls, I came across William’s private number just yesterday. I told him who I was, and imagine my surprise when he thanked me for caring for you and apologized for all the pain he caused you. He even broke down on the phone.”
“Yeah, he’s been kind to me lately.”
“You deserve it. And you, my friend, have a big heart.”
For an hour, the women caught up on current issues pertaining to the center and the enthusiasm surrounding the new construction. New beds, clothes, multiple bathrooms, two massive pantries, a big garden with a small playground, all the necessary amenities the old center lacked. Mavis confirmed construction was set to begin next spring, and Courtney expressed her hope to be alive to see it.
Even she knew it was a far-fetched notion.
CHAPTER 38
Strange things blow in through my window on the wings of the night wind and I don’t worry about my destiny.
~Carl Sandburg
“Yum, this smells delicious.”
Courtney was sitting behind the table Zachary set up in the middle of the hospital room. A vase sat in the center of the table. In it was a single red rose. She plucked it out and sniffed it. She examined the contents in the white plastic cup next to her plate. “Is that wine?”
Zachary grinned impishly. “Don’t tell your nurses.”
