The Case of the Graceful Goldens

by B R Snow

  Jackson nodded then added his own personal touch we hadn’t discussed that surprised me. And shocked Jessica. Jackson worked up a healthy gob of tobacco juice and launched it at her foot. It landed in the perfect spot on her open-toed stiletto. I grimaced when I saw the sticky brown slime dripping down her pink pedicure.

  “You’re a lot nicer on TV, lady,” Jackson said, giving me a quick wink as he wandered away.

  “That’s because they pay me to be nice on TV,” she snapped, sitting down next to me and reaching into her purse for a tissue.

  I nodded at Josie, and she removed Captain and Chloe’s lead. She whispered something to them, and they dashed toward me, and I gently patted the edge of Jessica’s seat when they got close. Chloe hopped up into Jessica’s lap, and she screamed and flailed her arms wildly. But it was when Captain stood on his back legs and pinned her against the back of her seat with his front paws that she completely lost the plot.

  “Stop! Get down! Get these disgusting creatures off me. They’re making me sick to my stomach,” she screamed as she pushed Chloe away, but found Captain a bit more of a handful to deal with.

  Captain gently placed a front paw on Jessica’s head which added bad hair day to her list of problems, and she screamed again and let loose with a litany of expletives that was both creative and extremely loud. Several people in the audience heard her outburst and were now paying close attention to the commotion. Jessica noticed and tried to calm herself.

  “Get this animal off me,” she whispered through clenched teeth.

  “He’s just really affectionate,” I said, laughing. “Aren’t you, Captain?”

  Captain snorted, shook his head violently and a long strand of drool came loose from his jowls, floated through the air, then landed on Jessica’s forehead and began sliding down toward her eyes. I tapped my seat and Captain released her and draped himself over me. I rubbed his head as his tail thumped loudly against Jessica’s leg.

  Jessica glanced up and blinked as the strand of drool dripped into her eyes and her blood-curdling howl echoed around the arena. She tried to scramble out of her seat but ended up tumbling backward and landing on the cement floor. She let loose with another string of expletives as she scrambled to her feet and jerked her skirt back down to a more ladylike length.

  She sat back down in the row behind me breathing heavily. She pushed her hair back into place and glared at me as I continued to rub Captain’s head.

  “I hate everything about you and this place. Between the local hillbillies and filthy dogs, I don’t know what’s worse. Places like this should be blown off the face of the earth.”

  “Geez, Jessica,” Josie deadpanned, still holding her phone. “I’m not sure comments like that or your overall attitude is going to play very well in Middle America.”

  Jessica flinched, then she looked at Jerry.

  “Please tell me you didn’t have the camera on during all of that.”

  “No, and I’ll never forgive myself,” Jerry said, unable to stop laughing.

  “Don’t worry, Jerry,” Josie said. “I got all of it.”

  She waved her phone in the air.

  “I want a copy,” he said, wiping the tears out of his eyes.

  “Just grab it off YouTube,” Josie said. “I’ll try to post it before I go to bed tonight.”

  “You set me up,” Jessica said.

  “Yeah, I guess we kinda did,” I said, extricating myself from Captain and standing up. “How’s it feel?”

  “Okay, you made your point,” she snapped. “Now what?”

  “Well, I think these two hillbillies need to grab a glass of shine and discuss our next steps,” I said, reattaching Chloe’s lead. “We’ll be in touch.”

  “The next time I see you, you’re a dead woman,” Jessica said, glaring at me.

  “I’m still recording, Jessica,” Josie said.

  Jessica let loose with another string of expletives, then rubbed her forehead and got a handful of dog slobber. She looked around for somewhere to wipe her hand, then shook her head and slumped over in her seat. Josie and I headed for the foyer and handed Chloe and Captain’s lead to Jill.

  “Thanks for keeping an eye on these guys while we’re inside. Is anything happening at the Inn?” I said.

  “No, I just called, and it’s pretty quiet. Which makes sense since it looks like the whole town is here,” Jill said. “Rooster is teaching Sammy how to play cribbage.”

  “Just don’t let Sammy play him for money,” Josie said. “Rooster took a hundred bucks off me a couple months ago. And I know how to play.”

  “I’ll give him the warning.”

  “That was fun,” Josie said, as we strolled back inside the arena.

  “A little nasty, don’t you think?”

  “She had it coming. Hey, since when does Jackson chew tobacco?”

  “He doesn’t. But that was a nice touch. Did we go too far?”

  “Will you relax? It was just a bit of rather clever payback. And I doubt if Jessica is going to be much of a problem now.”

  “No, but maybe we should try to do something nice for her at some point if we get the chance,” I said.

  “Are you out of your mind?”

  “Well, as my mother likes to say, it’s always better to have somebody who owes you a favor, than it is to make them an enemy with revenge on their mind.”

  “Your mother said that?”

  “She did once.”

  “When was that?”

  “Right after she did something nice for me.”

  Chapter 15

  I sat next to my mother during the show and divided my time between enjoying the dogs and scanning the crowd for the mysterious dognappers. My mother, not being much of a dog person, tolerated the parade of eleven different breeds and their handlers as they individually presented themselves to Alexandra then trotted down the carpet and back to often wild applause. But my mother was beaming, and I knew that the smile on her face was because the dog show was a huge success and a positive news story about our town, all too rare of late, would be shown on TV later this evening.

  “I haven’t seen anything worth noting yet,” I whispered.

  “How can someone who loves dogs as much as you do say that, darling?” my mother said, baffled. “I thought the ones from the breed you called the Clamper were delightful.”

  “It’s the Clumber, Mom,” I said, shaking my head.

  But the four Clumbers had been fun to watch as Alexandra put them through their paces. A few years ago, we’d rescued one, and he was with us for a few months until he was adopted by an elderly couple who summered in the area. I still remembered the good times we’d had with the low-slung dog that loved to quietly hang out indoors but came to life whenever he hit the fresh air. Despite his wonderful personality and love of people, the dog had a stubborn streak that rivaled my Mom’s, and he wasn’t shy about displaying it when the mood struck.

  “Clumber?” my mother said, frowning. “Are you sure, darling?”

  “Pretty sure, Mom. And for the record, I was talking to Chief Abrams.”

  My mother glanced around the immediate area, then stared at me waiting for an explanation. I touched the earpiece I was wearing and casually pointed to the lavalier microphone attached to my collar. I glanced around the packed arena at the sea of faces and realized I was probably wasting my time.

  “You need to seek professional help, darling.”

  “Sure, sure,” I said, casually scanning the crowd. I lowered my head and whispered. “You see the guy in the bright blue sweater in the back row of section nine? He looks very suspicious.”

  “I’ll remember to tell Detective Jones that when I see him,” Chief Abrams said into my ear.

  “Oh, he’s a cop,” I whispered. “Never mind.”

  “Josie told me what you two did to Jessica earlier,” my mother said.

  “Yeah, sorry about that, Mom. It’s probably not one of my better moments.”

  “I wouldn’t wor
ry about it, darling. It was quite clever,” she said, applauding politely as the long line of Labrador Retrievers entered the show area. “But what are you going to do now?”

  “I’m going to do something nice for Jessica the first chance I get, Mom.”

  “Good girl,” she said, patting my knee.

  “Are you still mad at me for the way I behaved the other day?”

  “No, I’m over it,” she said, staring down at the dogs.

  “And you’ve decided to just let it go?”

  “Oh, no. Of course not, darling,” she said, flashing me a quick smile. “But I’m no longer mad at you.”

  “You want me to do something nice for you, don’t you?” I said.

  “That would be wonderful.”

  “What is it?”

  “I’ll let you know, darling.”

  Josie, sitting on the other side of my mother, snorted.

  “I’m going to have a chat with Chief Abrams.”

  I got up and headed down the walkway that led to the dog holding area.

  “Did you see something?” Chief Abrams whispered into my ear.

  “No, I’m just dealing with a flesh wound my Mom just gave me,” I said. “Where are you?”

  “Two sections over on your right. I’ll meet you at the spot where they’re holding all the Goldens.”

  Five minutes later, I was holding two cups of coffee and admiring the impressive collection of Golden Retrievers that were waiting for their turn. When Chief Abrams approached, I handed him one of the coffees.

  “Thanks,” he said. “No news from the Inn?”

  “No, I just called again, and it’s quiet over there,” I said, frowning.

  “You seem disappointed.”

  “I can’t believe how stupid I am sometimes.”

  “Not a word I would use to describe you,” he said, studying my face. “But go on. What’s bothering you?”

  “We were so concerned about the safety of Alexandra’s dogs that we did everything possible to make sure nobody knew where they were,” I said, shaking my head.

  “And how could the dognappers steal them if they didn’t where to look for them?”

  “Exactly.”

  “That’s actually a good point,” he said. “We were so sure they’d stick out here at the show, I didn’t even think about that.”

  “Me either. Probably not our best work, huh?”

  “No, it’s not. But let’s not tell anybody,” he said, laughing.

  “And we completely underestimated the number of people from out of town who’d be here today,” I said.

  “Yup, we sure did,” he said, sipping his coffee. “I don’t recognize half the people here.”

  “We’re going to need to catch a break,” I said. “Nothing new from Rooster’s cousin?”

  “No, I think Coke Bottle told Rooster everything he knew yesterday.”

  “I’d love to figure out a way to set them up,” I said. “I know they’re dying to get their hands on those dogs.”

  “But we’d have to find a way to let the information about where the dogs are to casually slip out. It’s not like we can just announce it over the PA system.”

  “You know, Chief. If the dognappers are some of the people who are showing dogs today, we could wander up and down the different holding areas chatting about Alexandra and her dogs, dropping clues along the way.”

  “Well, since I don’t have any other ideas, I wouldn’t feel good saying what a complete waste of time that would probably be.”

  “So, you think it’s a dumb idea?” I said, raising an eyebrow at him.

  “Yeah,” he said. “But I don’t feel good about telling you.”

  “Funny. Come on. All of a sudden, I’m feeling particularly chatty.”

  We spent the next fifteen minutes walking up and down the eleven holding areas engaged in casual conversation. When it became all too apparent that everyone we walked past was much more concerned about their dogs than anything the police chief and his babbling companion had to say, we gave up and leaned against a wall.

  “Well, that’s fifteen minutes of my life I’ll never get back,” I said, scuffing at the linoleum floor with one of my sneakers.

  “Yeah, definitely not our best work,” Chief Abrams said.

  “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anybody,” I said. “I wouldn’t feel good about it.”

  Chapter 16

  In the end, Margaret’s Springer Spaniel not only won Best in Breed but also won Best in Group as the overall top dog. Glen and Abby Wilson’s Chesapeake Bay Retriever finished second and judging from their frozen smiles as Alexandra presented them with their ribbon and prize money, they weren’t very happy about again coming up a bit short. Rooster’s ex-wife beamed and hugged her dog as she accepted the first prize trophy.

  When Alexandra finished handing out all the awards, she handed the microphone to my mother who addressed the crowd, thanked everyone for coming, and announced that she hoped to see them all at next year’s event. Then she launched into a preview of other events that would be held in town during the winter and spring.

  “Well, I guess we know how we’ll be spending Thanksgiving from now on,” Josie said.

  “A community Thanksgiving dinner followed by a dog show?” I said, shrugging. “I can think of a lot worse ways to spend it.”

  “Absolutely,” Josie said, studying my mother as she continued addressing the crowd. “You know, for somebody who hates being mayor as much as she does, your Mom sure does a great job faking it.”

  “Yeah,” I said, watching Jessica interviewing the winners. “Does that remind you of anybody?”

  Josie focused on Jessica.

  “Maybe a little,” she said. “But your mom has a heart and fakes it for the right reasons. You think she expects us to say goodbye to Jessica and thank her?”

  “What do you think?”

  “Okay, but let’s keep it short,” Josie said, following me down to the floor of the arena.

  We waited for Jessica to finish her interview with my mother. When they finished, my mother caught my eye and gave me her best play nice look then started chatting with Alexandra. Jessica tossed her microphone to Jerry and exhaled loudly. She looked worn out, and I decided that she had probably been working pretty much non-stop since she’d arrived three days ago. When she saw us, her face fell flat.

  “Let me guess,” Jessica said. “You want to give me a guided tour of your still.”

  “Funny. No, we just stopped by to thank you for everything you’ve done,” I said.

  “Don’t mention it,” she said. “That’s what they pay me to do.”

  “Well, thanks anyway,” I said. “Maybe our paths will cross again.”

  “I seriously doubt that,” she said, giving me a blank stare. “This time next year, I’ll be Christmas shopping in Manhattan while the two of you will be stuck here in this-”

  “Charming little hamlet?” Josie said.

  “Sure,” Jessica said, giving Josie an evil grin. “Let’s go with that.”

  “I take it that today didn’t do anything to change your mind about dogs?” Josie said.

  “Are you kidding? The only thing today did was give me two hundred more reasons to hate the filthy creatures.”

  “How is that possible?” Josie said.

  “Actually, it’s quite easy,” she said, flipping her hair back with a shake of her head. “And if that video shows up anywhere, my lawyer will be in touch.”

  “Don’t worry, Jessica,” I said. “Both videos will be safe and sound with us.”

  “Hey, not so fast,” Josie said. “I was planning to use the shot of her going over the back of her chair for next year’s Christmas card. I’m still working on the caption.”

  “Let it go, Josie,” I said, then looked at Jessica. “If you drop the idea of using the footage of me in the hunting camp, we won’t do anything with the one we got today.”

  Jessica considered my proposal for several seconds, then nodded.


  “Deal. The video of you holding the knife doesn’t help with my new image we’re working on anyway,” she said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about the one of me showing up online at some point in the future. I’m going to have to insist that you agree to delete both of them.”

  “Delete is such a strong word,” Josie said.

  I punched Josie on the arm.

  “Ow. Okay, as soon as Chief Abrams and your lawyers give us the word, we’ll delete both of them,” Josie said.

  “I want to be here when you do it,” Jessica said.

  “I’ll give you a call,” I said. “I guess our paths will be crossing again, huh?”

  “Only a brief intersection,” she said, nodding at Jerry that she was ready to go. “Okay, if you’ll excuse me, ladies. I’m going to head home to take a long shower followed by a hot bath and, if necessary, a disinfectant rubdown. After that, I’m going to get drunk.”

  She strode off, stepping around a collection of people and dogs that were mingling near the exit. Jerry the Cameraman watched her leave and shook his head.

  “She’s a piece of work,” Jerry said.

  “Not one of her better days, huh?” I said.

  “Actually, this was one of her good ones,” he said. “Everybody at the station can’t wait for her to go to New York.”

  “You think she’s going to get that new show?” I said.

  “Just as long as she keeps Bob happy,” he said, tossing his bag over a shoulder.

  “How could that woman possibly make anybody happy?” Josie said.

  “Use your imagination.”

  “Yeah. Never mind. Dumb question,” Josie said. “And after that?”

  “Oh, she’ll drop Bob like he was yesterday’s news. I’m sure Jessica already has her sights on the next guy who’ll be able to help her climb the next couple of rungs after she lands in New York.”

  “What a way to go through life,” I said.

  “Yeah, I used to think that,” Jerry said. “And don’t get me wrong, she works really hard. But Jessica’s devotion to her own self-interests combined with her complete indifference to other people is probably what’s driving all her success.”