"I think so too, but he's so relaxed about it all like it's effortless for him."
"From our past conversations, I think you were stuck in a groove where life coasted along before Logan destroyed what the two of you had. If that's the case, then it's normal your focus would most likely be on safety, protection and survival. It's how you cope now for Colby. Moving on is painful and perhaps you feel guilty you're so into Sawyer. No one is forcing you to make impulsive decisions, but in love, you need to dare to take risks."
I shrugged, knowing for sure Tricia had covered my bases; it was like she was inside my head. "Before I went to Minnesota, I had begun to wake up each morning thinking about how amazing it was to have Sawyer in my life."
"And that's not the case anymore?"
"When I look at us in a bubble, yes."
"In a bubble? What do you mean?" she asked, pouring more wine and I realized we'd both emptied our glasses.
"My confidence dipped lower the moment I had a glimpse of the lifestyle they led. From the minute I stepped onto that tour bus, I knew I hated being there and it made me wonder how much of that behavior Sawyer participated in before he was with me. Or worse, if that's how he is when I'm not there. Worst of all, watching the antics and lack of morals of one of his bandmates made me feel ancient. Maybe, if I'd had a personality like you, I'd have ignored him and gone with it for however long it lasted. But I don't. I couldn't."
Leaning forward and stretching out her arm she patted my hand in reassurance. "You have the extra responsibility of a child, and I know you'll always place his happiness above your own. I can't tell you what to do on this one. You need to be brave and follow your gut."
A long groan tore from my throat. "That's just it, my gut says yes … no, it screams it. But I'm petrified of getting this wrong."
I flashed Tricia a weak smile and she scooted up the couch and hugged me tightly. She was right, I had to be daring. Sawyer was sensitive to my situation, and I had to forget what Logan had done if I wanted to be happy. And Sawyer made me feel happier than I had in a long time.
Chapter Twenty-One
Tricia hung out with me the following day, and we hit the stores for Black Friday. It had been years since I'd gone out bargain hunting, but she was a master coupon expert and had me in stitches at the way she confused the store checkout girls with her permutations of discounts. I swear, she walked out of one store owing them money.
It was an education being with her and we shopped until we almost literally dropped, save for a gorgeous Italian bistro she took me to.
After gorging on pasta and pizza, fresh bread and olives, not to mention the two bottles of incredibly smooth white house wine we drank, we arrived back at my place in an almost comatose state.
I'd never shopped for a full twelve hours before and was ready to call it a night. Thankfully, Tricia was as bad as me and barely made it onto the couch before she was falling asleep. Nudging her gently awake she called it quits, saying she had to go to bed.
I smiled when I saw Tricia lying in Colby's bed, his Marvel character comforter tucked under her chin. Why she'd chosen to sleep in there instead of our guest room was a mystery, but when I thought about it more, most things were a mystery about Tricia.
As I slid between my sheets, I gave this more thought because even though she was my best friend I knew very little about her past. She was single and had never been married, never even had a permanent boyfriend. Yet she was sensitive and family-oriented and I decided there was a lot about Tricia that didn't make sense.
* * *
Cold hairy limbs slid into bed and woke me with a start. My heart jolted in shock as fear sent adrenaline coursing through my body. My eyes sprang open in the darkened room and I screamed, terrified it was an intruder.
"Shh. It's me," Sawyer whispered, his cold hands skating under my camisole top and sliding inside my cotton pajama shorts. Goosebumps littered my body as the thrill of having him surprise me in my bed made my body vibrate in shock.
"What time is it?" I asked in a raspy tone, my heartbeat still pounding in my chest. A shiver ran down my spine when he moved his hands to another new place on my warm skin. "Ah!" I shrieked. He chuckled before I wrapped my arm around him and drew him closer. "Mmm," I moaned, now fully awake and wrapped my legs around his waist to warm him up a little more.
"A little after 7:00 a.m. I flew back overnight and slept in the rental car until I saw a light on. Your friend, Tricia let me in. Didn't you hear the doorbell?"
"God, no, I heard nothing. I overdosed on wine and carbs yesterday and they must have knocked me out completely."
"I didn't want to waste the day traveling when I could be here with you already," he said, his huge hands pressing me further against him.
Moving closer, his cold nose brushed over my cheek and another small shock of electricity ran through me. I shivered, but my heart was doing flips in my chest, excited to have his limbs slide over mine, his strong arms tightening their hold.
"Thank you. I'm impressed," I whispered, both grateful and excited for how he couldn't wait to be near me, and my heart swelled.
"If I wasn't so drained from our performance, the flight, and sitting bunched up in that tiny economy car that was the only one they had left at the rental desk, I'd tell you there are plenty of ways you could show me how thankful you are," he mumbled, his mouth so close to mine we shared our breaths.
I chuckled, but his mouth closed on mine, effectively silencing me. He slid his tongue past mine as his body shifted and glided until he moved across me and settled between my legs.
"This doesn't feel like someone who's going to sleep," I muttered and sighed with pleasure when his finger traced my seam.
"I am … in a minute. I'm too tired to fuck you the way I want to, the way I know you like." My brain almost exploded in sheer shame and delight at how intimately he felt he knew me. "I just need to taste you, and then we can crash out for a few hours."
Before I could begin to protest, he scooted under the covers, his body curling up over his knees, and bunching under the comforter. As I lay blissfully beneath him, my heart full of love at the way he worshipped me. I swore to accept he believed in us.
After he brought me to a bone-melting climax, he crawled back up the bed and lay beside me. "You're gonna be the death of me, Billie Collier."
"You're crazy," I muttered sleepy and sated.
"For you, Billie, only for you." My heart skipped a beat and a warm feeling flowed through me.
"Smooth."
"I am when you're with me. All is right in my world. You make me feel … connected," he said after a moment's consideration.
"Connected," I repeated. It wasn't a question, but he read it as such.
"You know, like the male-female wire connections. They only work if you have one and the other."
"That's a romantic thing to say."
"I'm a romantic guy, but only with you," he said, paying close attention, our faces inches from each other.
"Is it just me, or does your chest feel tight?" he asked.
"Yes. When you're with me, I feel like this, but in a happy, excitable way. When we're not together, it's either a half-full feeling or a suffocating kind of tightness."
"Exactly," he agreed, took my hand and laced his fingers in mine. "How are you feeling? About us, I mean."
"Better. Still getting used to the idea, but scared to death I may fall hard."
"Have no fear. Because I've already fallen, so I'll be there to catch you." I grinned.
"Now that is cheesy." I chuckled, freeing my spare hand. I brushed his hair from his eyes and stared into them. That tight feeling he spoke about was back; I couldn't believe how much he wanted me because in my eyes he was everything I imagined made up the ideal man.
"What are you thinking?"
"How good-looking you are," I replied honestly.
"Good, remember that. I'm worth hanging on to."
"Is that what I'm doing? Hanging on to you?"
<
br /> "No, I meant it from your perspective, because I don't want to fuck this up. When you left North Dakota, I felt nervous you'd change your mind about us before I got home." Bringing my hand to his lips he pressed them softly against it and snuggled me into his chest.
"The thought never crossed my mind," I told him, quietly.
This was the first time Sawyer had voiced insecurities of his own, and I felt sad my past had impacted his confidence in this way. I vowed silently to do better as I lay listening to his steady heartbeat until I eventually fell asleep.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Stretching leisurely from sleep, my hand slid across the bottom sheet expecting to find Sawyer's warm body somewhere close by.
When I reached the edge of the bed and he wasn't there, my eyes flew open and for a second I wondered if I'd imagined him coming back. My heart felt heavy in the seconds before I found his gray button-down strewn over my bedside chair.
Sliding out of bed, I took a quick shower to freshen up, pulled on some skinny blue jeans and a jade green sweater and blow-dried my hair. Cracking my bedroom door open, I heard Sawyer's familiar tone filter up from my kitchen below. What the hell?
When I heard Tricia mention my name, I crept along the landing toward the stairs. I knew it was sneaky, but it was an ideal opportunity to hear how Sawyer felt about me when I wasn't around. Usually, I wasn't one to eavesdrop, but I figured what woman wouldn't after what I'd been through with Logan?
"Five weeks," I heard him tell her. I mentally cast my mind back and figured he was about right and it reminded me how fast we'd progressed in such little time.
"Still very new then," Tricia replied like she hadn't been kept in the loop at every stage of development.
"Timewise, yeah, and me being on the road hasn't helped, but I didn't need time to know how I feel about Billie. My dad met my mom and they married five months later, my sister and her husband even less. I used to laugh when my father said I'd know when I met the right girl. Now? Well, I guess he's smarter than I gave him credit for. I don't know, maybe it's in the family genes because I was attracted—no—connected to Billie from the get go." My heart raced when I heard him tell my best friend, a girl he'd only just met, how he felt about me.
"After Logan, she'll find it hard to trust anyone else."
"Billie's had a tough time for sure, and her ex did a number on her confidence by doing what he did, but I'm not going anywhere."
"She needs time," I heard Tricia say like she was willing Sawyer to slow down, and I wondered how much time I would need to heal, to allow myself to accept Sawyer's determination that I was the one he couldn't live without, didn't want to live without.
"I agree, and I can't say I blame her, especially considering Colby and how she needs to prioritize him, but I can be patient. She's worth the wait. I want to get it across that nothing about her situation, her age, or anything else puts me off," he responded animatedly. The certainty in his tone made my heart clench and love him a little more.
It was obvious from the noises in the kitchen Tricia was making them coffee. "Thanks," he said, and I imagined her passing him some. "From a couple of times I've met Logan, I got a feel for the kind of man he is. He's domineering and self-centered, and even though he left Billie, he thinks it's okay to use Colby to control her, while maintaining a life of his own."
"Amen, brother. That's exactly why she's scared. If you don't mind me saying so, she's pretty hung up on the age difference between you, but you know this already. Have you thought about children and if you want them in the future?"
"I do mind you saying so," he replied, his voice carrying a low gritty tone of frustration. "As far as I'm concerned, there are no issues, only little bumps in the road for both of us until Billie accepts she's the woman I want to be with. Kids or no kids. I've never felt as … I was going to say comfortable, but that's the wrong word. Comfortable is the last feeling she evokes in me when I'm with her. I feel whole like my chest is full, and there's an intimacy I get from just looking at her."
"Damn," Tricia said, chuckling.
"It's true. When I'm not with her I get a sense of urgency running through me, an unsettling, gnawing sensation, like I need to get back to her as soon as possible. I hate not being near her, like when I was on tour, you know?"
Tears sprang to my eyes when a cocktail of emotions mingled in my stomach which both excited and scared me to death. I knew for certain my feelings for him ran as deep as Sawyer's did for me, and there was no calling off what we had. Now I was with him I never wanted us to end.
"Can't say I've ever felt like that about anyone," Tricia replied wistfully.
"What can I say? She makes me feel things I never knew I could feel before. I know I sound crazy, and it's hard to imagine after the short time I've known her, but my father is right: when you know, you know, I guess. As far as kids go, Billie already has a son. In this case, it's a bonus; Colby doesn't make her any less attractive."
"Have you at least talked about it? All of these issues need to be aired if Billie's going to feel secure in the long term, if you both think that's where this is heading."
"We did already, and I never went into this relationship thinking, 'Billie's body clock is ticking,' or calculating how many years we had left to have a family, or wondering what we'd do if I wanted kids and she felt like she's already closed that chapter of her life. She knows how I feel about the matter. On our second date, she asked me if I wanted children, and I told her I'd love to be a father. I think I'd be good in that role."
"Really? And how did she react?" I swallowed hard when I remembered the knot in the pit of my stomach that day.
"She didn't—well not overtly—but I knew as soon as the conversation stalled, she'd tripped off down some negative path in her head."
"I can understand why she'd have concerns about that."
"Then she should have questioned me further. Maybe I didn't make it clear enough for her. If she had listened, really listened to my reply, she'd have heard me tell her I'd love to be a father. That doesn't mean I need to have kids of my own. In time, sharing my life with her and Colby would probably fill that need in me, if we get that far. Even if we did want more kids, I'm not hung up on the biological part of being a dad. One of my sisters has an adopted son."
With every question Tricia asked, Sawyer's sensible head and honest heart negated my worries. And he'd never mentioned his sister's son was adopted. Children had been one of my biggest concerns about my age, and he'd dispelled it the moment he spoke about Colby. I knew he could not have cared less about me and my son as a package.
"I hope it works out for you both."
"Thanks, I'm banking on it. Knowing you have her back as well means a lot to me. I'm quietly confident we'll get there, but I have to confess there are moments when I see her retreat into her mind, and I get worried she'll shut me down."
My cell fell from my hand to the floor, shocking myself almost as much as his admission had shocked me, and a wave of guilt washed over me for making him feel insecure about me. Swiping it up off the floor, I realized I hadn't considered how my insecurities may have fed negatively into Sawyer's views about us and quickly jogged down the stairs.
Both Sawyer and Tricia stood in front of the kitchen breakfast island, her with her back to me, Sawyer facing toward me and the stairs.
My heart almost burst again when I saw him casually standing there in my kitchen, looking like he belonged. He cradled a large ceramic mug between hands that knew me intimately, his ass leaning casually against the countertop, legs crossed at ankles, and when he looked up at me, his loving smile hit me square in the chest.
"And here she is, the light of my life." My heart skipped a beat with the sudden bolt of electricity that shot through me as I took him in and heard genuine pride in his voice.
Fresh from the shower, he stood smiling with his damp dark hair swept sexily back from his shaven face.
Wearing a clean blue T-shirt that showed off his ma
gnificently hard, toned torso, he looked edible. My eyes fell to his dark blue jeans, slung low on his waist, and I almost groaned before I distracted myself when I dropped my gaze to his bare feet. I noted there wasn't one inch of Sawyer I wasn't attracted to.
"Hey. I don't think I've slept that soundly since Colby was born," I tried to sound casual, even though my senses and mind were already reeling in response to the sight of him and the conversation I'd overheard.
Tricia smiled and immediately dove into the hallway before coming back, pulling on her heavy coat. Sawyer pushed off the countertop and stepped closer to meet me, instantly enveloping me in his arms. I glanced toward Tricia, and for some reason, I felt oddly shy.
"I hope you don't mind, but I've been entertaining your man while you slept," she said, wiggling her eyebrows and flashing me a grin to give her comment some weight. "Now that you're awake, I'll be off. I'm taking my dad's truck into the local auto shop for its service today, and then I have a few other errands to run."
When she turned her back, Sawyer raised an eyebrow and I chuckled.
"Yes, Sawyer, this time she's telling the truth, her father does own a truck."
* * *
As it turned out, a day alone with Sawyer was exactly what we'd needed. We lay cuddled up on my couch and talked for most of the day. It was the first time we'd had such a stretch of uninterrupted time to talk, and we were able to voice all of our insecurities and fears. I even addressed my mistake in not being able to accept the wonderful second chance Sawyer offered to us.
"I know it's hard for you to imagine a life where there are no other people to care about," I stated.
"No other people?"
"Can you imagine what it's like to live as a child where there are no other relatives, apart from your mom?"
He thought for a moment and shook his head. "It feels empty."
DARE You, Dare Duet, Part One: Billie and Sawyer: Unchained Attraction Series Page 19
