"Exactly, and that's how Colby's life is to some extent. He has me and his dad and Logan's parents. That's where our line ends. He has two friends at school, who don't live near, and no other relatives. He needs people in his life he can rely on. I want you to meet him, but I don't want you to break his heart if we don't stay together."
"Billie, none of us can be certain of anything in life. You can't control everything for him. He'll never build his perspective if you try to keep the world from hurting him. And how do we move forward if you won't let me in?" I considered his answer and knew his reasoning was sound. Then I decided, even without the romantic links, he was the kind of man I wanted Colby to know.
"You're right. I'd like you to meet my son." The beaming smile of delight and the pleasure in his bright shining eyes showed me how happy he felt about this. It was a huge step for me to take, but it showed Sawyer I placed my trust in him not to hurt us.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Are you?" I replied.
"Can't wait," he gushed. He pulled me in close and kissed the top of my head. Holding me even tighter, he moved my head to under his chin, cradled it with his hand, and sighed again. "This is the perfect way to spend the rest of the day, doing nothing, lying here with you like this," he murmured. As there was nothing left to say, we both listened to the heavy rain lash against the windowpane. Although it sounded stormy outside, my heart was perfectly calm.
It was a rainstorm that had brought us together, but what I hadn't known at the time was that it had been a cleansing rain. Since then, I'd weathered the storm of divorcing Logan and falling in love with a perfect man, who felt he was destined to be with me.
Chapter Twenty-Three
If my love life with Sawyer in the following weeks had felt idyllic, my home life had felt just the opposite. I'd grown concerned about the time Colby and I had spent apart in the previous year, due to parental visitation arrangements, and I was anxious at the thought of him jetting off to Florida with Logan and Poppy the Friday after Christmas for another whole week away.
Three weeks in two months felt like a lot of time for a child to miss his mom, at barely eight years old, and I knew that had I not made plans to go to The Hamptons with Sawyer to his parents' place, the holiday period would have felt unbearable.
Logan had hated it when I introduced Sawyer to Colby as my boyfriend. This was completely hypocritical since he thrust Poppy in Colby's face after only two weeks or so, but I got it; he felt his position as Colby's father was instantly under threat. I had felt some of the same feelings in the beginning as I wondered if the younger, cooler woman my husband would threaten mine.
However, any reservations I'd had about Colby with Sawyer were almost immediately dispersed when I saw how amazing he was at relating to and engaging with my son.
"Power Rangers? Blade and Roxy were hardly that great when they were attacked by Evox," Sawyer scoffed. "Any one of my Marvel characters would leave your dudes in the dust, my little man," he joked. He was obviously up to date on kids TV programs, and he had Colby curled up with laughter.
"I love the Marvel characters too," Colby offered, looking completely relaxed and fully engaged in the banter Sawyer created between them. They looked great together as they sat side by side on the couch, pouring through Colby's comics. At one point, Sawyer teased Colby mercilessly and it was obvious from how my son responded he had taken an instant liking to my new man.
Watching the casual scene between the two made me wonder if everyone liked Sawyer because he was so easy going, had a mature head on his shoulders, and appeared honest to his core, or whether it was because he was charismatic and good-looking.
"Favorite?" Sawyer asked, his brow bunched, breath held as he waited for Colby's reply.
"Mystique," Colby replied without hesitation, and my heart squeezed seeing my normally quiet little boy look as animated as he did.
Sawyer grinned. "Ah, the shapeshifting killer. Very mature, and not the usual choice of a boy of your age. It wouldn't be because she's a hottie, would it?"
Colby cracked up again, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment, which he took in stride and rolled around on the couch. A wide grin stretched on my lips because it was amazing to see Colby have fun. "Is he trying to get a rise out of you, sweetheart?" I asked my boy.
"Yeah, but that's okay, he's kind of a doofus," Colby replied. He grinned back at me.
Both Sawyer and I laughed at my son's assessment of him and his goofy behavior, while Sawyer leaned over and affectionately ruffled my little boy's hair. Colby's face beamed with delight. "Is that so?" Sawyer asked in a mock singsong voice. At that moment, I knew my baby boy was going to love Sawyer as much as I already did.
The week leading up to Colby leaving was one of the most wonderful of my life, yet it remained tinged with sadness that straight after the holiday Colby had to get on a plane.
It had been agreed Sawyer would spend time with his family this year because I wanted time to concentrate on my son, and Sawyer wanted to make this up to us. Since he was home and had a free schedule when school got out, he suggested he take charge of Colby and do some 'guy' things while I was at work.
At first, I was a little apprehensive about this. Colby had only been introduced to Sawyer a few weeks before and he'd be expected to spend most of his days with him. However, hearing my son's excitement as he recalled Christmas shopping for gifts with him, and a trip on a guided bus tour of New York City, made me realize I'd made the right decision in letting them spend some time together.
Each day their adventures continued, and Colby spoke of eating hot dogs in Times Square and how Sawyer had even taught him to ice skate in Bryant Park to impress me at the session Sawyer had booked for all of us the following evening.
None of the attractions Colby had wanted to do had been skipped, and his little face beamed full of life. Knowing Sawyer had been willing to do all of this made my heart clench tight.
Being a considerate man, Sawyer had been careful not to do the most magical things without me, telling me those were reserved for when all of us were together.
True to his word, each evening as soon as I got off work, he and Colby were waiting in the parking lot to experience all of the things that made lasting memories stack up.
A visit to Santaland at Macy's was followed by braving the crowds to have selfies beside the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree and displays on one of those evenings. Another evening was the skating trip we all went on. However, my personal favorite took place on a night when it had been bitterly cold. It had just begun to snow again when we went on "The Ride's Holiday Experience NYC."
It had never occurred to me to take this trip, which was on a motorcoach decked out in theatre chairs and floor-to-ceiling windows. It was the perfect way to see all the amazing lights and sites New York had to offer during the festive season while being cozy and warm doing so. Somehow, Sawyer instinctively knew how to help my son and I experience the best New York City had to offer.
Colby's eyes grew wider with every block the bus drove past, and the hosts on the tour led us all in cheering loudly at the street entertainers. Even the magical window displays looked better from our vantage point just a little further back than the sidewalks.
Each festive activity Sawyer took us to do felt perfectly timed and exciting. Whether he knew it or not, he was completely in tune with all the attractions an eight-year-old boy would instantly love.
During the long drive back to New Jersey from the trip on the bus, Colby talked excitedly about the things we had seen and then passed out, tired from all the excitement of a big day.
Upon our arrival home, I went to open the back door to lift him out, but Sawyer's hand covered mine on the handle. "Let me," he half-demanded, half-questioned, so I did.
Stepping back, I watched how he carefully positioned Colby's arms and legs, unbuckled him from his seat belt, and scooped him protectively up into his arms.
My son's head rolled onto Sawyer's shoulder and
in toward his neck, and Sawyer moved with fluidity as if having a little boy in his arms was the most natural thing in the world for him.
"He's out cold," he said through a chuckle. "His bedroom?" he asked.
I nodded, too choked to speak because had he been Logan I knew he'd have shaken his son awake and made him walk upstairs to bed. Sawyer had planned a perfect week of activities for us, and everything we did together had felt natural and like we were family.
For a moment, I allowed myself to think about my ex-husband's plans for Colby leading up to the holiday—and how different they were than the efforts Sawyer had gone to—to entertain our son. Not once had Logan even suggested doing anything with Colby leading up to Christmas.
If Logan had suggested such an event, I would gladly have sucked up my feelings and gone along with them to make Colby happy. Not once had he thought of his son.
When I thought back on trips Logan had taken Colby on, they had usually been prompted by me and consisted of a trip to a Broadway theatre to see a show of Logan's choice, dinner in a snobbish and fancy restaurant, or an occasional evening at the movies.
Seeing my son's little arms slide around Sawyer's neck as he carried him up the stairs brought a lump to my throat and tears welled in my eyes. It was the first time I'd seen Colby show any man spontaneous affection since Logan had left. When I stopped to think about it, since his father had gone, Colby had barely allowed him to peck at his cheek goodbye.
Laying him gently on the bed, Sawyer slipped off his woolen hat and his shoes before mouthing to me about his clothing. Stepping forward I removed his coat, rolling him gently from side to side while signaling to Sawyer his jogging pants and sweatshirt were comfortable enough to allow him to sleep in.
Grabbing the comforter, Sawyer pulled it gently over his legs but let it rest at waist height. I knew this meant he had anticipated Colby still in his clothes might end up too hot during the night. This surprised me, since Sawyer didn't have children of his own.
As we stepped quietly back toward the door, Sawyer took my hand in his, still staring at my sleeping son and kissed the back of my hand. I glanced up adoringly, and heard Colby's little voice as it broke into the moment we were sharing.
"You'll be here when I get back?" he asked, warily.
"Me, buddy?" Sawyer asked instinctively. "You bet. I'm no Blaze, and no one's gonna put me in a coma and keep me away," he murmured back. Colby grinned sleepily and when Sawyer saw the shock on my face, he chuckled and cradled my cheek in the palm of his hand as he closed my son's bedroom door. "You wouldn't understand. It's a Power Ranger thing," he added with a wink.
It was the day before Christmas Eve and our last night together before the holiday. I was sad when Sawyer didn’t attempt to sleep with me, but I knew this was out of respect for the memory he'd given me that day with my son.
It was almost 11:30 p.m. by the time Sawyer left to spend the holiday with his family in the Hamptons. I was filled with regret as I watched him go and filled with nerves because I'd agreed to join him and meet his parents after Colby left for Florida with my ex-husband.
* * *
Christmas Eve was the first real mother and son day I had spent with Colby since the breakup. The previous year I'd been too depressed to make much of an effort. I knew this sounded like an awful thing to admit, but back then I wasn't in the best of places as I fought against depression in the wake of what had happened.
Thanks to Sawyer, this year was perfect. Colby and I spent the day making reindeer biscuits and a huge batch of his favorite chocolate mint candy. Afterward, we bundled up and strolled up the snow-filled road to the local park.
The winter scene added to the magic of the day as we stood listening to the harmony of an angelic sounding choir. The choir was accompanied by a uniformed school brass band, and I knew Colby was inspired when he turned to ask if I thought Sawyer would help him to try to learn the guitar.
As I stared down at my little boy's eyes shining bright in wonder, I had to admit we'd both come a long way since the dark depressing Christmas Eve of only the year before. I reflected on how our lives had changed for the better having Sawyer be a part of it all and my heart, once full of despair, was now filled with hope about facing our future.
* * *
Christmas morning is an exciting day on any child's calendar and Colby was no exception. He dragged me out of bed at 5:15 a.m. with eyes full of wonder as he danced and bounced with excitement.
When he reached our living room and the brightly lit Christmas tree stacked with colorfully wrapped Christmas gifts beneath it, he squealed with delight and fell to his knees on the floor. His eager little hands grabbed, lifted and shook every different shaped box and tried to guess what was inside.
I was impressed with how skilled a negotiator my son could be, as he bargained me up from my original concession of one gift before lunch to three.
Tearing eagerly at the wrapping paper, he untied the silk and satin ribbons and deemed the nametags attached as inconsequential in his quest to discover what Santa Claus had brought him. Unsurprisingly, his favorite gift from Santa was the ugly black Marvel action figure Sawyer had bought for him.
Colby played by the kitchen on the floor with his superhero toy while I prepared a small roasted turkey, herb-roasted potatoes, and a medley of seasonal winter vegetables for the oven. I was placing these inside and was about to set the oven timer when the doorbell rang.
Colby shot to his feet and looked out of the window. "Dad's here," he disclosed, looking puzzled because we'd been through all the explanations of what the plans were for the holiday period.
My heart sank to my stomach, because the last thing I needed was an argument with Colby's father in front of him, especially considering I had been looking forward to a quiet peaceful day with my son.
Interestingly, Colby didn't make for the door, and instead sat down once again on the floor and returned his attention to the toy he'd been playing with before. With a knot in my stomach, I headed over to our front door and answered it.
"Hey," Logan said, with an unsure glance, a soft smile on his handsome face. He smelled amazing; the scent was familiar to me as he still wore the same cologne I'd always bought for him. It stung my heart to feel the sudden pang of hurt that had been absent for the previous couple of weeks.
"Hi," I replied, glancing inside the house over my shoulder at Colby. Stepping outside, I pulled both sides of my cardigan around me to ward out the cold and drew the door closed. Folding my arms over my chest, I did this in part against the biting wind and part in defense against whatever curve ball Logan was likely to sling my way. "What are you doing here, Logan? What do you want?"
"To see my son on Christmas … and to see you too."
I scoffed. "I may believe the part about Colby, but you don't have to include me in your tactics anymore. We're divorced, remember?"
An instant look of rejection flashed through his deep brown eyes and I felt annoyed at how rude I'd sounded. I sighed in my effort to calm myself down, though my heart rate and breathing were racing. The last thing I wanted was to upset Colby's day or ruin the great memories Sawyer and I had made for Christmas.
"I was driving around and found myself here. I've been sitting outside since just after 8:30 a.m. this morning, trying to work up the nerve to knock."
"Is that so? Then that's not like you. I find it hard to believe you found it difficult to knock on the door where your ex-wife and child live." I glanced at the window to ensure Colby couldn't hear, leaned closer and hissed. "Pity you didn't have the same trouble working up the nerve to slide your cock inside another woman when you were living with us." All the effort I'd put in to remaining calm didn’t affect my sharp tongue as I spat the words out in a rush.
"I'm sorry I hurt you, Billie." For the first time since he'd moved in with Poppy, I saw a glimpse of shame in his gaze, the one solitary sign of remorse for what he'd put me through since he had wrecked our marriage. Feelings I thought had died sud
denly mattered again and I shook my head.
"Why aren't you with Poppy?" I queried, changing the conversation to safer ground because I knew I was in danger of undoing all the work Sawyer had helped me sort through. Sawyer. Thoughts of him smiling warmly and gazing adoringly toward me sprang into my mind, and once I reminded myself I had a second chance in life, I let out a calming sigh.
"Gone to visit her parents in Vermont," he informed me. He's alone? Did she leave him home alone at Christmas time?
The shutters moved in the window and I realized Colby was watching us. "You'd better come in since your son knows you're here."
Relief washed over Logan's face and he made to reach out for my arm. I shifted out of his reach and pushed open the front door before he could make that contact.
"Look who's come to see you, Colby," I aimed for the brightest voice I could manage. Our son stood rigid by the window; his unsure gaze looked first at me then toward his father. "Surprise! He's spending Christmas day with us this year," I said as if it had been the plan all along. I knew deep down Logan showing up had the potential to wipe out Colby's happy memories Sawyer had spent building for him.
No matter what he'd done, Logan was still Colby's father. He stood larger than life in our living room and the last thing I wanted our son to remember from this day was his parents at each other's throats. When uncertainty flitted fleetingly through Colby's eyes, not quite matching the small smile on his face, I knew I had to offer reassurance.
"As your dad is here now, why don't you open all your gifts and this way you can plan what you want to play with first. Maybe if there's a board game we can play it together," I added. Logan slipped off his jacket and wandered to the hallway coat stand with all the familiarity of the man who once lived with us.
Despite my reservations, our Christmas Day was incredibly amicable. Colby read some comics to Logan, and his father actually lay on the floor to play with action figures with our son. This was an event in itself and something I'd never seen him do before. After a while, Colby let down his guard and told Logan how much he liked Sawyer, and how Sawyer had promised to teach him to fish and that he was going to ask him to help him to play the guitar.
DARE You, Dare Duet, Part One: Billie and Sawyer: Unchained Attraction Series Page 20
