Although I could see Logan was ticked, he thankfully held his thoughts in his head. I could tell from the look on his face it was clear it was something he was storing for later, probably as soon as his son went to bed.
We ate lunch late, around 2:30, due to me not realizing I hadn't turned the oven up to the correct temperature when Logan had first arrived. It had felt civil until Logan began relaying stories of places we'd been before Colby was born and reminding me of all the good times we'd had. I began clearing away the dishes and left Logan and Colby talking together.
When I heard my ex-husband telling our son about our previous life as a couple, a wave of nostalgia washed over me. It left an unexpected lump in my throat and the threat of tears burned deep down, but I refused to become emotional.
"I remember the time your mom and I took a road trip to Niagara Falls," he reminisced. My chest tightened at the memory because the night after we'd arrived there was the night he'd proposed.
As he continued telling Colby about our past as a couple, he made it sound as if he'd had the time of his life, and I realized how he'd seen it wasn't quite my experience of our lives. If our life together had been as fabulous as you say, why did you throw it away? Despite what I wanted to say, I bit back the words and reminded myself again how he'd betrayed us.
"Why did you leave my mom?" My heart stopped for a beat; my hands were frozen, the saucepan in mid-air, as the words I'd been thinking were given life from the mouth of our curious eight-year-old boy. I held my breath, my worried eyes concentrating solely on Colby as I waited and dreaded his father's reply.
"You know, son, sometimes we adults don't always make the right decisions. We make mistakes, just like you do. Life is always a learning process. We can't learn everything while we're at school or college. Sometimes we meet someone and love them so hard we want to spend our whole lives with them."
Tears blurred my vision when I knew he was talking about me and I placed the pan on the drainer. Turning away, I opened the pantry door and stared inside with my back to them both. The pain in my heart when I heard Logan explain why he left felt too hard for me to listen to, yet I had nowhere to go unless I walked directly in front of them. I stood praying his explanation wasn't too long, or too painful to forget when he was done.
"Did you think you wanted to spend your whole life with Mom?" Colby's question was like a fist tightening around my heart and I closed my eyes in my effort to shut out the world, but it didn't work.
Logan sighed. "Yes, I did," he answered quietly. I heard him swallow in the otherwise silent moment as Colby digested this.
"Then what?" our son asked, putting Logan on the spot and leaving me feeling as if I were reliving the moment he walked out on us.
"Then … I met Poppy," he said like it was a throwaway comment. It had sounded too cheerful, like he'd won the lottery, realized he should have been with her, and given his previous comment, it insinuated we were his mistake.
"And you wanted to spend your whole life with her," Colby prompted. I knew he'd come up with the same conclusion as me.
"No. I mean, not when I met her."
"Now?" Colby probed, not letting the subject drop.
"Now? Marry Poppy, you mean?"
"Are you?" Colby asked, alarmed. The pain in my small son's voice made me turn quickly, my eyes meeting Logan's.
"I married your mom, son. I was with your mom for a very long time," he replied, reaching over and taking Colby's hand. Our son stared at his hand in his father's like it was a rare event.
"I don't get it," Colby said after a long pause.
"You and me both, Colby," Logan replied. I frowned, confused by his response to our son and angrily shook my head that he couldn't be straight with our son. This would leave all further questions for me to answer.
"You haven't answered me," Colby persisted, and my eyes flew to Logan's with concern.
"What didn't I answer?"
"Are you going to marry Poppy?"
"No, Colby. I had a wife already. I'm not going to have another." My body vibrated in shock, my mind tripping over the conversation from start to finish, and I concluded either I was a mistake or his relationship with Poppy was going south.
"Why not?" Colby persisted.
"You're very young to be having this conversation, but since you are asking, I'll do my best to explain. Sometimes we make big mistakes. We have something great, and then we get greedy and think we can have more. Then we make that happen, only to find we don't want the thing we thought was more, and realize we lost the one thing we should never have let go of."
"Is Mom the thing that was great and Poppy your greedy thing?" Panic turned to bile in my throat as Logan stared at me for what felt like forever, and I worried he'd never speak again. My heart ached for Colby and twisted in a tangle of conflicting emotions toward the man I had married.
Drawing a deep breath, Logan held it while looking directly at our Colby and slowly nodded.
"Yes, your mom was my something great," he replied, not finishing the whole sentence our son had put to him.
"And now that you've lost her you can't come back?" Logan swallowed hard, a pained expression almost demolishing him until he cleared his throat and patted Colby's hand.
"That's right, Colby. He can't come back," I said, decisively.
Chapter Twenty-Four
For the sake of Colby, we somehow managed to get Christmas back on track, playing with his toys, engaging him in a game of Jenga, and playing all the silly games people suddenly remembered during the festive season, like Charades and a chocolate Santa treasure hunt.
It was almost 8:00 p.m. by the time Colby asked to go to bed; the combination of having gotten up so early and his excitement throughout the day had worn him out. Feeling benevolent toward Logan for the effort he had made with our son, I invited him to tuck Colby into bed.
Staying downstairs and out of their way, I made a fresh pot of coffee and was placing two cups on the counter when my cell phone rang. Nerves built in my chest when I saw it was Sawyer. It felt weird that Logan was in my home and I hadn't had time to let Sawyer know.
"Hey," he said, the warmth in that one word wiping a lot of the hurt I'd felt during the day.
"Hi. Did you have a good day?" I asked, placing the glass carafe back on the heating element of the machine.
"It would have been much better if you guys had been here, but it was as good as it gets without you two. I've told my family all about you and everyone is looking forward to meeting you," he confessed cheerily, right as Logan came down the stairs and walked toward the kitchen.
"Goodness, now I'm nervous," I confessed, in part thinking about meeting Sawyer's family, thinking about our age difference again, and at the same time eyeing my ex-husband warily as he slid onto the breakfast stool directly in front of me.
"Listen, this isn't a great time, can I call you back later? Colby has just this second gone to bed."
"Sure," Sawyer replied, this time, hesitant in his reply. I knew my excuse sounded lame.
"Okay, text me if you go to bed before I get back to you."
"Billie, is everything okay?" he asked, his voice laced with suspicion. My heart squeezed because I didn't feel prepared to get into an explanation of the day's events with my ex-husband sitting in front of me. I knew the confrontation was the part of a relationship I struggled with, and although I had come on a long way, having the source of my anguish right there in the room felt like too much.
"Yeah, just been a full day. I need to finish cleaning up and catch my breath."
"Ah, sure. Okay. I'd forgotten it's all on you when there are so many hands here fighting to help with that kind of thing. I'll let you go. Call me back when you get into bed. It's never too late here, and during the holidays we're all up for most of the night."
"Will do," I replied, my gaze falling to Logan who sat resting his elbows on the countertop, examining his hands.
"Billie?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you, darlin'," Sawyer added in a low, seductive voice.
My heart stuttered, but I pushed past the guilty feeling that struck me just because Logan was in earshot. "I love you too, Sawyer."
After hanging up the call, I placed my cell on the counter and watched for Logan's response. His narrowed eyes widened as he glared at my cell before he turned his focus back on me.
"Coffee?" I asked, my tone even despite my erratic heartbeat. It wasn't easy to tell Sawyer I loved him in front of the man I had vowed to love in sickness and in health and forsaking all others for as long as I lived. I had taken my marriage seriously, but I reminded myself that was in the past.
Maybe I hadn't been the perfect wife from Logan's point of view, but I had never looked at another man until I met Sawyer.
"Does he make you happy?" he asked, quietly.
"Yes. Very," I stated, without a hint of malice or spite. A stony silence stretched between us lasting more than a minute.
"If it's serious, why hasn't he made any attempt to be more to you?"
I frowned, wondering what he was getting at before I remembered he thought Sawyer and I had been together much longer than we were.
"We're happy with the pace," I lied, because from my perspective I'd fallen deep and fast, and could easily go all-in if not for Colby, and me being afraid of being hurt again.
"You think it will last? I mean he's a lot …"
"Younger? That is what you were going to say, isn't it?
He nodded. "I suppose. I just don't want you to get hurt."
I scoffed, and couldn't help the laughter that spilled out. "You are just too much, Logan Drummond. What a hypocrite."
"Maybe, but I'm talking from experience."
"Experience? What is it you're trying to say? Because it's been a long day and I'm not into having cryptic conversations with you. I've tried so hard to make you feel welcome today, but make no mistake—the civility was for Colby's sake, not yours."
"I wasn't being rude. I never realized how difficult it is to live with someone younger. Being in the same job, I thought we'd have a lot in common to talk about, but we don't."
"What are you saying?"
"Poppy and me … after New Year's is over, we're taking a break."
"A break? What does that even mean? What does it mean for Colby?"
"She told me before she left for her parents that she needed some time to think, but I have a feeling she's seeing someone else." My heart stopped for the umpteenth time that day. What does he expect? Am I supposed to comfort him?
"Excuse me? Am I supposed to feel sorry for you? What is this? Were we just a shoulder to cry on today?"
"Fuck, give me some credit, Billie. It's Christmas Day. I missed you both."
"And there it is: 'I.' It's always all about you. Poor you. You screwed me over and I'm supposed to take pity on you?" I asked, grabbing a dishcloth and wiping the faucet down over and over again. "You know what I've realized right now? There were times when I felt sorry for you today. Pity—not love—and not regret that we didn't have this anymore. My only regret is that it took you so long to figure out you didn't want us."
"I do want Colby, and you. I want you both. God, if I could turn back time—"
"Well, you can't, and I'm glad about that. I've found a man who sees me, a man who's patient and attentive and that I have an incredible connection with."
"He's a boy in comparison to you." His words felt like a knife to my chest.
"No! He's a man in comparison to you. The way he makes me feel has taught me what I'd been missing in my life with you."
"Sex? You think because he fucks you good, he's going to care for you when you're old?"
"Out. Get out!" I hissed. My eyes darted to the stairs to ensure Colby wasn't hearing any of our vile conversations.
"You weren't interested in sex when you were with me."
"It wasn't that I wasn't interested Logan, it was that you never took the time to turn me on. How long was our longest lovemaking session? Fifteen, twenty minutes?"
"Stop it," he ground out.
"No. You brought us to this, so let's have it out. Sawyer isn't interested in my age and I'm saying this again, he sees me. Me. And he's amazing with Colby. You should see how your son comes to life when Sawyer's with him."
"That's my son you're talking about."
"Then remember it when he visits. Sitting him in front of a gaming console while you argue with your partner isn't his idea of fun. He wants to learn, and you are supposed to be one of the top professors in the country. Does he have to wait until he's entered into the world of higher education for him to be worthy of your time?" Logan shook his head.
"You're making a fool of yourself. I have to say, I'm surprised he's still hanging in there. Just don't come crying to me if he moves in, marries you, and then wants half of everything you've got."
"See, this is where your mind is underdeveloped. You've spent so much time going to school, you've never experienced life or lived in the real world. Your environment has been so stilted in comparison to Sawyer's, and you have no idea about the man I am with."
"Oh, next you'll be telling me he's all that."
"Exactly. He is. Sawyer is a self-sufficient musician, a homeowner, a son, brother, uncle and most of all, he's an amazing boyfriend. He knows exactly what he's gotten himself into, and he's not the kind of man who would intentionally hurt me."
"Is there such a thing as a financially sound musician?" He winced when I flashed him a death glare and smoothed the velvet material of our couch in one direction. "I never intended to hurt you, Billie. I never meant to let things get out of hand with Poppy."
"There's that 'I' again. I wasn't talking about you, we were talking about Sawyer." My put-down temporarily stunned him, giving us both time to think. For a start, I knew he'd had too much wine. He'd had at least three glasses during dinner and two more while we were playing games. I knew he couldn't drive, he lived an hour away and that getting a taxi of any kind on Christmas night would be either extortionate or practically impossible.
"Look, I'm sorry. I guess we're both still harboring unresolved feelings from the past. You're right, your thing with Sawyer is none of my business, but I can't help feeling protective—"
"Stop." I sighed. "Stop it. Sawyer and I are not a 'thing,' we love one another," I stated firmly. I knew I meant it because I could never have said those words to him otherwise. "Every time you open your mouth you say something worse. I'm sorry about you and Poppy, but that doesn't give you the right to show up here at our door and expect us to…I don't know what you expected, but the answer has to be no."
He sighed, looking guilty, his eyes unable to maintain their focus on me. "You're right. I'm sorry, and I should be grateful you let me spend the day with you both." Another period of quiet ensued before I spoke again.
"You're obviously in no state to drive home, but I don't want you upstairs. It would send the wrong message to Colby. I'll get you some blankets and a pillow and you can sleep down here on the couch. Tomorrow is my last day with our son before he goes to Florida with you, so as soon as you've eaten breakfast in the morning, you'll have to go."
For a long moment, Logan stared at me, his eyes full of regret. Straightening up on the counter stool he ran both hands through his hair. "For what it's worth, I still think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever known."
There were many things I could have retorted to his remark, but I decided to rise above it. "Thank you. I still think you're a handsome man, but that's as far as my attraction and feeling s go for you these days. I'm not in love with you anymore." I tapped my breastbone. "But thankfully, my feelings for Sawyer have begun to fill the void, you left."
"Now you're the one twisting the knife."
"No, Logan, you figure you can put me down and tell me I'm too old for Sawyer, but you have the same arrangement with Poppy. The difference between you and Sawyer is he has emotional wealth and maturity and tremendous compassion for othe
rs. You can only think of yourself. Anyway, I've had enough of this. I don't want to talk about us or what we were anymore. There's a movie I wanted to watch at 9:00 p.m.," I informed him, shutting the discussion down and quickly changing the subject. "Would you like to watch it with me, or should I go to bed and watch it?" I sounded just like his mother when I said it, and I smirked to myself.
"I'd like that," he replied, meekly and stood up to get another glass of wine.
"No, Logan, coffee from now on. You're driving home in the morning, remember?"
Logan replaced the bottle he had been about to open and poured another coffee for himself. I felt proud of the way I had handled him. Although I could have basked in the knowledge of his troubles in his relationship with Poppy, I hated the thought that if they split up, what he'd done to us would all have been for nothing, in his case.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Waking to the credits rolling, I rubbed my eyes, unsure how much of the movie I'd missed. Logan had also passed out on the couch at some point and instead of waking him I simply covered him with a blanket and stood watching him sleep for a bit.
Before me was the man I thought I couldn't see past, until he saw past me. Since then, my feelings had gone from pride, love and respect to heartache, sadness, and regret.
Unplugging the Christmas lights, I fumbled around until I got to the stairs. Feeling bone-weary and wrung out from all the mental challenges of the day, I stripped right off exhausted and fell straight into my bed.
* * *
"Mom, can I make myself some cereal? Mom?" Cracking open one eye, the bright sunlight streaming in my window made me wince.
"What time is it?" I croaked.
DARE You, Dare Duet, Part One: Billie and Sawyer: Unchained Attraction Series Page 21
