Killian

by T. N. Tarrant

  Shiloh nodded politely. It was a lie; he was scared beyond words. But he trusted Killian, and that would have to be enough for now.

  § § § §

  Almost an hour later, Killian and Natalya sat at her kitchen table drinking tea while Kelia questioned Shiloh. Natalya’s husband was out shopping, and her children were at school, so it was the perfect time to talk to her about Shiloh and his confusing reactions to the man. His dreams last night had all involved Shiloh and calling them X-rated would be an understatement. After five years as his mentor, Natalya knew him pretty well; maybe she could help sort him out.

  “What’s bothering you, Killian?” she asked after watching him scarf down another shortbread cookie. He tended to crave sweets when he was upset.

  “I’m not sure how to answer that,” he replied. “It’s Shiloh, or rather, uh… um….” He covered his heated face, embarrassed beyond belief. “I had these dreams…”

  Natalya smiled. “Ah, I see. You’re attracted to him.”

  “I am?” Killian asked, startled. She didn’t usually joke around, but…

  “Maybe so. These dreams, were they sexual?” she asked gently, giving him a steady look.

  Her calm response relaxed him. He could do this. He nodded. “Very. And all about Shiloh. I’ve never had such dreams.”

  “Never?” Now she did sound surprised. “Those sorts of dreams are quite common in adolescence and early adulthood, both in humans and Rimalians. You’re still young enough that these should be normal for you.” She reached over and patted his hand where it rested on the table, concern on her face.

  “I either dream about working in the fields or cleaning the house, or I have nightmares about the assault and my father’s death. I don’t ever dream about anything else,” Killian told her matter-of-factly.

  Natalya’s eyebrows furrowed in puzzlement. She was silent for a long moment. “Killian, may I ask some very personal questions?”

  “It’s a pretty personal subject I brought up already.”

  Natalya nodded in agreement. She thought about how to address it delicately, and then decided there probably wasn’t any way to do so. So she spit it out. “Before the assault, were you attracted to Anan?”

  “How do you know if you’re attracted to someone?” Killian asked, obviously confused.

  “Well, I suppose I can only tell you from my own experience. When I met Ignacio, I felt kind of fluttery, and my skin felt hot,” she said. “I got aroused when I spent time with him, and that part I can tell you was also true for him. Some of the dreams I had would have made porn stars blush.” She paused when she saw Killian’s expression change from curiosity back to confusion.

  “Porn stars?”

  Natalya felt her eyebrows try to get past her hairline. “Pornographic film stars?”

  “What’s that?”

  As she stared at him, Natalya had a sneaking suspicion. “Killian, what did your parents teach you about sex?”

  “That it was something that happened after marriage; that I shouldn’t worry about it, and that Anan would teach me what I needed to know after we married. Senka told me that if someone touched my privates without me saying they could, it was rape,” Killian told her, wondering what she was getting at.

  Natalya tilted her head in thought. “That definition of rape is actually a little broad, Killian. David should have told you more. There are circumstances wherein a person might touch someone’s privates without permission, without it being rape, or even inappropriate, such as a medical situation.”

  “What do you mean?” he asked, hugging himself in distress.

  Natalya had seen this reaction before. Killian had mostly recovered from his trauma, but he was still uncomfortable discussing it.

  “Did I falsely accuse Anan after all?”

  Natalya shook her head as she got up. “No, you didn’t. Hang on a sec; I’ll grab a blanket for you.” Ducking into the laundry room off the kitchen, she came back with a blanket that she shook out quickly and offered to him. “It’s a little dusty.”

  “That’s okay. I can still pretend it’ll help me get warm,” Killian told her with a tight smile.

  “Now remember, I was there for Anan’s trial. I saw your memories of the incident, and hers, both viewpoints. Her actions through your eyes and hers. You didn’t falsely accuse her. And if it truly had been a misunderstanding—as Janet, Anan, and Sienna insisted—Anan would not have been punished. She might have been chastised, but that would be all. You told her repeatedly that you didn’t want her to touch you, and yet she continued, even to the point of using force. You raised your hand in violence towards a female—didn’t you ever wonder why no one reprimanded you?”

  “I thought that was why Janet disowned me,” Killian mumbled.

  Natalya sighed. “I’m sorry, Killian. I should have had this conversation with you a long time ago. I thought your parents had taught you about these things, and I’ll bet the Tii-su did, too.” She paused to take a deep breath. “Okay, basics. Do you know exactly what sex entails?”

  “It’s the marital act. That’s all I was told.”

  “Okay. You’ve seen a stallion cover a mare, right?”

  “Of course, I have a working farm, I know how animals mate,” Killian said, rolling his eyes. The light clicked on in his mind. “Oh, it’s the same with us.”

  “The emotional aspects are a lot more involved. I don’t think animals really care who they mate with, as long as it’s the same species. Dogs with dogs, cats with cats.” She grinned. “Humans and Rimalians, on the other hand, are more difficult species. Our emotions affect our sexuality, which is why you felt violated by Anan. If that weren’t true, either you would have just fucked her or you would have been completely indifferent.”

  Killian thought about it for a few minutes. “Okay, I see what you mean. My emotions were part of what made it an assault.”

  “Exactly! Her actions mostly, but a small part was your reaction.” Natalya smiled and went on. “Now, before that, did you ever want Anan to touch you? Anywhere?” She reached over and took his hand. “For instance, like this, just holding your hand?”

  Killian thought about it for a few moments. “I don’t know. I don’t think so, but I can’t really say either way.” He looked at their clasped hands. “How is this supposed to feel?”

  “How does it make you feel?”

  He thought about that. “I like it, I guess. I mean, I like you. You’re my friend. You’ve looked out for us a long time, and you’ve taught me a lot. It’s… comforting.”

  “Okay, that covers emotionally. What about physically?”

  Unsure what Natalya meant, he shook his head.

  She nodded, as if she expected that sort of answer. “Okay, sit here for a minute. I need to go get my laptop.” Natalya rushed away, leaving Killian to sit and think. He tightened his grip on the blanket she’d wrapped around his shoulders. How did questions about Shiloh turn into questions about me?

  She came back and sat down again, booting up her laptop. A few minutes later, after typing something, she motioned him closer. “Come look at this.”

  On the screen was a nude woman, lying on a bed, her legs spread so that he could see the grown up version of things he’d only seen changing Araminta’s diapers when she was an infant. He drew back, staring at the laptop. “Why…?”

  Natalya gestured to the screen. “This is a pornographic picture, off a site my husband likes.” She grinned. “Actually, I don’t mind looking sometimes myself, but that’s another conversation. Anyway, what do you think of her?”

  “Natalya, is this supposed to be attractive?” Killian asked her, bluntly. “I mean, am I supposed to feel something?”

  “Well, most men would feel she had a certain attraction, but don’t fuss. Give me a minute. Let me pull up something from another site, one I like to frequent for some ‘eye candy,’ as my husband puts it.” A moment later, she gestured to the screen again. This time it was a nude man.

 
; Unaware he was doing so, Killian leaned closer to the screen, letting go of the blanket in the process. The man was slender, with short black hair falling loose over his shoulders. Killian felt an odd twitch in his groin.

  Natalya watched Killian as he stared, nodding to herself. It looked like her young friend was gay but had never realized it. The Tii-su would never have asked who he found attractive, and from his reactions and questions, it seemed her young friend had never found anyone, male or female, attractive before.

  “Is he more interesting to look at?” Natalya asked quietly.

  Killian nodded. “That makes me feel funny, if that’s what you wanted to do.”

  “There’s not a genteel way to ask, but does looking at him make your jeans tight?” she asked, carefully not smiling as he shifted in his chair. She noticed he had let go of the blanket.

  But was this picture a fair test, though? She had picked a man with a passing resemblance to Shiloh. Quickly looking for something else, Natalya found a lovely, heavily muscular blond man, also nude and aroused. “Is this one better?”

  “Actually, I liked the other one more. He’s very handsome, but…” Killian said, looking back at his mentor. “What are you trying to figure out?”

  “Well, I’m trying to help you figure out what you’re attracted to. I think Anan left you with an aversion to anything sexual. Once you emotionally recovered, you had little to no time or energy to explore anything sexual. Add to that you’re an unmarried male, with two children to raise. I think what’s happened here is that Shiloh blindsided you.”

  Killian opened his mouth to object, and she raised her hand to hold him off.

  “Not on purpose, mind you. Maybe you are just finally ready for some romance in your life, and Shiloh is the first person you’ve found attractive enough to truly gain your attention.”

  Stunned, Killian sat back and thought for a few minutes. Satisfied with the answers, he found himself unreasonably curious about something else. “Natalya, why do you let your husband look at pictures of other women naked?”

  Natalya laughed. She reached over and poked his shoulder. “Because it gets him all hot and bothered and I get to play with him.”

  At Killian’s blank look, she clarified, “It arouses him, and we make love. Maybe we should table this part of the discussion for a while, okay? Let’s just say, I don’t mind him looking, as long as he doesn’t try to touch. He feels the same way about me. He doesn’t get upset about me looking at other naked men, as long as I don’t try to touch them.

  “Now, about Shiloh, do you still have questions, or did the ‘show and tell’ help?”

  “I think it helped a little. You’re saying that Anan’s assault first made me not interested in sex?” At her nod, he thought back to those nightmarish weeks. “You know, I think maybe Georges said something about that.”

  “I’d be surprised if he hadn’t. I understand it’s a very common reaction in sexual assault victims. A perfectly normal response,” she told him, keeping her voice calm and encouraging.

  “And then I’ve been too busy?” Frustrated, Killian looked at her. “That, I don’t understand. You’re just as busy as I am, maybe more, because you have more estates to see to, on top of helping me with mine, but you obviously find time for sex.”

  “Well, that’s where I think circumstances have worked against you. Sex tends to be a little more readily available when one is married, or in a committed companionship. You have no wife, and no companion, and apparently no sex drive either, so I’m guessing it didn’t bother you. The lack of sex drive probably originated in your assault, but probably became habit.” Having closed the laptop, Natalya patted his shoulder gently.

  “And Shiloh kicked me out of a rut?”

  “That’s my take on it, yes. To be honest, Killian, I don’t think you need to worry about any of it much. Your reaction to Shiloh is perfectly natural, if a little embarrassing. There will be some issues you may have to deal with if a romantic relationship develops between you and Shiloh. Issues that wouldn’t exist, say if you dated a female, but that is something to talk about later, if need be,” she told him. “There’s also the fact that right now, he is under your protection, and cannot be approached on such a level, especially not by you.”

  “Why him? I’ve given Sanctuary before, and to another frightened male.” Killian thought about that incident, a year before. A local boy had been the subject of a traditional marriage Hunt. It had taken a few days to sort everything out, the woman mortified when she realized she had scared her intended by her fixated pursuit, and the young man had been embarrassed at overreacting. Killian and their parents had sat down with them, after giving them both a couple of days to calm down, and they had helped the two young people sort themselves out. After counseling, the young man agreed to accept his capture, and Killian fully expected to be attending their wedding in another two years. Once they had learned to pay better attention to each other, they got along fabulously.

  “Maybe you just weren’t ready yet,” Natalya said, breaking his train of thought. “Apparently you’re ready now. Even though nothing may come of it with Shiloh, your mind is apparently telling your body that you’re ready to explore romance.” She smiled. “This isn’t a bad thing. Think on it for a while, and do a little research at home, online.”

  “How? What kind of research?”

  Natalya grinned ruefully. “I can’t believe I’m saying this to an innocent young man, but I think it might be the best thing for you. When you go home and have some time alone, I would strongly suggest that you do this in your room, on your laptop: type in ‘free porn’ and just look around at anything that interests you. Don’t pay for any of it, there’s plenty of freebies that can give you a good idea of what’s interesting to you. There’s straight porn, gay porn, bi porn… Look at them all. Then, if you want, you can come over tomorrow and Ignacio and I will sit down with you and answer questions, alright? There are also instructional videos that can be found. Ask a Tii-su for them, if you wish. Porn’s great for fun, but not always the best educational source.”

  Killian nodded obediently, but then thought about something else that had been bothering him since last night. “Natalya, can I ask something else about Shiloh?”

  “Of course.”

  “I hugged him a few times.”

  “Yes, that’s understandable, he was very upset. We all need a hug sometimes. Are you wondering if you stepped out of bounds?”

  “No, I don’t think so… I was just wondering why… Well, it’s like my arms are empty, not holding him.” He blushed as he said it.

  Natalya studied him for a moment, and then smiled gently. It sounded like Killian may have fallen in love at first sight. She wasn’t going to tell him, though—better to let him find out if it was real or just a crush. She hugged him, kissing his forehead with maternal affection. “Well, I think the answer to that will come in time.”

  Chapter 6

  Killian sighed in relief as he closed his bedroom door behind him. Shiloh had been quiet as they drove home, seeming to have curled in on himself. Not knowing what else to do, Killian had simply not mentioned it, and carried on. Occasionally he gave in to the urge to pat Shiloh’s shoulder, trying to comfort him a little, but Shiloh had remained quiet and withdrawn.

  The children had given him a list of remarks from the tenants, and when he went to his study to deal with the list, he’d invited Shiloh to come with him, and told his siblings they could go watch TV in his room for a little bit. Fancy and Rosie had followed the children upstairs, but Jenny had followed Shiloh into the study. Shiloh chose to sit on the small couch, Jenny sat at his feet, with her chin on his leg, and he sat there, staring out of the window, petting her head.

  It took Killian two hours to sort out the tenants’ remarks, including a misunderstanding caused by the children’s misinterpretation of what one of them needed. Then he went and sat on the couch next to Shiloh and held up his arm, offering to let Shiloh snuggle under it.
Shiloh scooted under and laid his head in the crook of Killian’s shoulder, but remained silent. Killian had rubbed Shiloh’s arm gently and asked if there was anything he could do to help, which only got him a headshake and tears. He’d held Shiloh until the younger man had fallen asleep, and then picked him up carefully and, calling Jenny to follow, took him upstairs to the guest room and tucked Shiloh into his bed. Jenny jumped up onto the bed, quickly followed by the other two coming in, and they settled down with their master.

  It took Killian another hour to get Araminta and Jaden bathed and into bed, and settled down to sleep, and then he let the dogs out one more time. Shiloh had still been sleeping.

  Now he had some time to himself, time to think about his discussion with Natalya, and Shiloh’s impact on his life. Kelia had spoken with him briefly after questioning Shiloh. When Natalya had taken Shiloh outside to get some air, Kelia had told him to treat Shiloh gently, and that she still had to question Shiloh’s father and Anan.

  Killian sat down at the small writing desk in his room, what had used to be his father’s side of the master suite, and booted up his laptop, glad he’d gotten the wireless router. He quickly checked his email, and then typed “free porn” into the search engine. Amazed, he stared at his screen: there were thousands of links. Clicking one at random, Killian looked through the thumbnails, stunned at the pictures. He clicked one of the thumbnails, a man and a woman having sex on a patio table in broad daylight. He watched until the clip ended, and then went back to the preceding page. Killian typed “straight porn” in the search bar and got more of the same thumbnails that he’d already looked at. So he tried “gay porn.”

  The thumbnails showed men—sometimes by themselves, most often in pairs, but occasionally groups of three or more. He clicked on random thumbnails, and watched, finding his body reacted to these more quickly and more urgently than it had to the scenes with women involved. He found himself rubbing his erection through his jeans, startled at how good it felt.