I’m breathing hard, not through exertion but through exhilaration. I drop my head, staring at Nelson’s bright blond mane and I squeeze my eyes shut for a beat. I open them again as Tracey approaches, her face a picture of delight.
‘Come on. Let’s put a couple up!’ she urges and I beam and nod as she turns, striding towards the front of the arena. ‘Amy! Lucy! Can you give me a lift?’ Two heads poke out of stables at the entrance to the arena, before the girls emerge, putting down their tools and walking towards Tracey.
‘Can you put up a cross, please and then a straight? About a metre twenty?’ She tips her head towards me and I nod, stroking Nelson’s neck as he leans down and scratches the front of his lower leg with his teeth. Tracey calls again and stops the taller of the two girls. ‘Amy – please could you grab Nelson’s tendon boots from the tackroom?’
The two girls disappear into a room at the side of the arena, before reappearing with wings, poles and Nelson’s boots, which Tracey straps quickly around his lower legs. I shorten my stirrups by a hole, gather my reins and walk Nelson quietly around the perimeter of the arena as they erect the two jumps. I swallow hard.
Please, God, don’t let me fuck this up.
I sit deep into the saddle as the two stable girls retreat from the arena, shutting the gate and leaning on it, watching. As I didn’t have enough of a bloody audience!
I try to put everything out of my mind, concentrating just on Tracey and Nelson and I pick up working trot for a circuit or two, listening to her intently as I ride in a large circle around her.
‘Alright Pearl, as you’ve realised already, this horse needs very little leg. He’s also a master at balancing himself around a sharp corner at speed, so don’t worry about him, just concentrate on yourself. Try and keep as light in the saddle as you can and light on his mouth – even if you think he’s going too quick, don’t haul on him, just give him a nudge. That’s all he needs.’ She grins at me as I go past her.
‘Above all else, trust him, Pearl. He won’t let you down, he’s got the heart of a lion.’ I feel my insides clench again, but not through fear this time and I push Nelson into a canter at the next corner. We circle the school twice before I bring him slightly off the track and point him towards the cross poles. It’s a small jump, designed to get him thinking and he clears it easily. Tracey follows us with her eyes.
‘Good! Now take him large, Pearl, get his brain working.’ I do as instructed and then take Nelson over the cross again.
‘Right, now over the straight!’ she urges. ‘Think big, think - I trust him!’
I grit my teeth as we round the corner and I remember her words, remaining light in my seat, my calves barely touching him, my fingers feathers on the reins. He sees the jump and its size and his haunches tuck and bunch as he accelerates towards it, knowing that he needs to pour on the power. I feel a split second of utter terror as we approach, and I close my eyes for a beat, placing all my trust in this wonderful horse.
I blink them open as we’re two strides away and as we reach the poles I lift myself out of the saddle, leaning over Nelson’s neck, my entire weight pushed into my heels. He rises like Icarus towards the sun, effortlessly, and we’re flying, airborne and sweet exhilaration is all I can feel.
I stroke his neck gently as we land and as Nelson comes to a halt, there’s applause and whistles from the gallery, all of them on their feet. I drop the reins and throw my hands over my face. This is, without a doubt, the best goddamned day of my whole goddamned life. Tracey comes over to us and I feel her stroke my knee gently.
‘Well done, Pearl. You two are going to be just fine.’ She smiles at me again and I try to do the same, my chin still wobbling.
‘Thank you, Tracey.’
She rubs my knee again. ‘You’re welcome, love. I hope that you’ll both be happy here with us.’
I slip from Nelson’s back, kissing his velvet nose and stroking his ears before gathering his reins and leading him out of the school and back to his stable. As I turn the corner and down the long corridor, I see them all staring at me with such love on their faces that my chest hitches. I give them a wobbly smile before leading Nelson into the stable, taking off his saddle and bridle. He turns from me towards the huge haynet and snatches a mouthful, shaking himself briefly.
Tracey’s beside me again. ‘Anything you want to ask?’ Her brows lift and my smile suddenly slips a little. I wonder how I’m going to factor in caring for a horse twice a day, as well as my commitments at The Guardian? The Yard isn’t a huge distance away from home, but still…
Tracey sees my cogs turning and she smiles gently. ‘Pearl, Nelson is on schooled full livery every day. You don’t have to come down at all, unless you want to, of course. Everything will be done for you, even at weekends if you can’t get to him. Just let us know. He’ll be worked in whatever discipline you’re following each day for an hour, unless you tell us you’re coming, then we’ll just muck him out. Okay?’
I can’t help the fresh grin that pulls at my face as look first at her and then at my wonderful family.
‘Jesus Christ. You lot are beyond amazing.’
Ellen steps forward now. ‘Pearl. Without you, what you did two years ago, our family wouldn’t exist right now.’ Her eyes lock with mine, but I know she’s aware of Tracey standing next to me. ‘I’m going to say no more, but you know, don’t you?’ she finishes quietly.
I know. Without me, Justin would have been murdered and Regan shipped to an overseas brothel. The Police didn’t have a clue, I was the key to it all. I smile again in deep satisfaction of the part that I played in the continued happiness of all these people.
The spell is broken when Jared starts to wail. He’s been asleep in the backpack for the last half hour, his white blond head resting against the back of Justin’s neck, but he’s awake now, scratchy and extremely out of sorts. His cries escalate from a thin wail to a full on bellow and Ellen moves to the back of Justin, hauling his body out of the harness and pulling him to her.
‘He needs changing and feeding, sorry.’ She tips a sad smile at us, but we’re about done here now anyway, for today at least. I turn to Nelson, kissing his velvet nose again and fishing my phone out of my pocket.
‘Here’s my number.’ I recite it to Tracey and she rings me so that I have hers.
‘Keep in touch, see you soon,’ she says as we all start to file out of the barn. I’m the last to leave and I hesitate as I see everyone else disappear from sight. I slide the bolts to Nelson’s door free once again and enter the stable, approaching him and wrapping my arms around his neck. He dips his head, mid-hay-snatch and snorts softly into my neck. I breathe in the intoxicating smell of him one more time before exiting and locking the stable and hurrying to join my family. As I reach the door to the barn I see Justin shaking Tracey’s hand.
‘Take care, folks… see you soon.’ She grins at me once more and I get the feeling that despite our age difference, this woman is going to become a close friend. I’m going to be here whenever I get the chance and I’m looking forward to learning from her, getting to know her properly. She seems so nice.
We start to walk towards the cars, Jared still howling in Ellen’s arms and she shushes him. He doesn’t give a toss. He doesn’t want a cuddle, he wants his nappy changing and food, right now and as we reach the cars, Daniel turns towards us.
‘You need to get home. I was going to suggest going for lunch but perhaps we can do it next weekend?’ His brows rise and Justin nods, clapping him on the shoulder.
‘Absolutely. I’ll see you in the week though, won’t I?’
Dan nods. ‘Yes, son. I need to go over the accounts with you at some stage but it’s not urgent.’ Ellen opens the door to the AMG and starts to strap a still screaming Jared into the seat, his little body tensing, his face a screwed up, angry ball.
Regan catches my eye and she slides me a crafty look. ‘Text me when you get home?’ she says casually. I nod and sigh inside, some of my buoyant
mood leaving me. I’ve got myself into a bit of a situation here.
Regan wants to come clubbing with us tonight, but I can’t risk it. She’s still sixteen, nearly seventeen, granted, but even so, she’s well under-age. Justin would go fucking crazy if he found out and I can’t risk it.
The problem is, I haven’t grown any balls to tell her. I haven’t said yes, but I haven’t said no, either and it’s encouraged her. I should have been honest with her from the start, but I kept putting off the disappointment that I knew I’d see in her lovely amber eyes, I didn’t want to hurt her. But all I’ve done as a consequence is left her believing that she’s joining us tonight and I can feel the excitement thudding through her from over here.
‘See you guys soon,’ Holly says, she and Jess rounding the car and kissing Ellen, Justin and then me, Holly holding me tightly for long moments. ‘Enjoy your birthday, Pearl. Take care, lovey.’ I adore Holly Cavendish. She’s so much like Ellen but with a streak of pure devilment. She’ll try anything once, no matter how risqué and she says what the hell she likes, please or offend. She’s awesome.
We get into the car and Justin starts the engine, pulling out of the car park and onto the country roads that will take us home. Jared is still screaming his head off, his handsome little face still a creased purple ball and I stroke his sweating head gently as we travel. The soothing motion of the car gradually quietens him until his sobs die to hiccups and finally, he’s asleep. We all exhale in relief.
‘Christ almighty…’ Justin breathes, the sudden silence making me want to scream. He cocks his head to the left and grins at Ellen. ‘He’s got your lungs, baby!’ His grin creeps wider and she pokes him in the ribs with her elbow.
He strokes her face as she leans forward and touches the screen on the dash, connecting her phone to Bluetooth and selecting a playlist. The 1975 serenade us as we make our way home in comfortable quiet and I rest my head onto the soft leather and close my eyes.
Three
I’m jerked awake as Justin pulls the Mercedes up the driveway and into the open mouth of the garage. I slide out of the car, stretching as I do, my muscles feeling bunched and stiff.
Ellen gets out beside me and I take her satchel and Jared’s changing bag from her as she moves to prise him out of his seat. He’s still asleep but he’s flushed and sweaty and clearly a very unhappy boy. Justin moves ahead of her to open the door to the utility and she pushes past him as Jared wakes and starts to wail. His cries swell in volume by the second and he’s screaming his bloody head off again by the time Ellen reaches the door to the hallway. I dump the bags onto the worktop as Justin approaches her.
‘Baby, do you need any help?’ His brows rise and she shakes her head.
‘No, Jus, I’m fine. He just needs cleaning up and feeding. He’ll be out like a light then. I’ll be down in ten minutes.’ She smiles at him and their eyes lock for a moment. I can feel the love that connects them immediately and I bite my lip.
Justin Walker is going to be a tough act to follow. I witness every day the depth of his devotion, the things that he says to Ellen, the way he looks at her. He’s hopelessly in love. I want nothing less than a man who’ll look at me like that and I’ve a sinking feeling that I’m going to be waiting for a bloody long time.
Some buried notion tells me that not everyone on the planet finds the sort of love that Justin and Ellen Walker have. I’ve seen couples, married or not, early doors or long term and they don’t have the power of the chemistry that binds these two people together. It’s like an invisible force, you can’t see it, but you can feel it between them.
Justin nods at her as she disappears with his shouting son and he turns to fill the kettle. I settle on one of the stools at the bleached island and wait for him. He lopes over, pushing a coffee towards me and I thank him, my lips curving into a smile. He mirrors me, easing his lithe body onto the next stool and I can’t help the soft clench of my gut muscles as I look at him. He’s wearing a fitted black tee-shirt, which reveals all the muscles in his arms and upper chest and I try to drag my thoughts to more neutral ground.
‘Thank you so much, Justin.’ I can’t think of what else to say. I want to tell him that he and his wonderful family have transformed my life. I want to tell him that I love him so much that I would do anything for him, would walk to the ends of the earth for him, platonically of course. But I can’t say the words. They just won’t come. He smiles down at me gently, his beautiful eyes softening as he looks at me.
‘You’re welcome, Pearl. Thank you, sweetheart. You saved my life and Regan’s life and you also saved Ellen’s life, too.’ He drops his gaze for a moment and he draws in a long breath. ‘She would never have recovered if I had died, Pearl. You are more important to this entire family than you realise. We all love you very much – not just for being you, but because of what you did for us. All of us.’ His own eyes now start to shimmer with a glint of tears, the turquoise blue brightening for long seconds. He finally seems to shake himself, and he smiles, picking up his coffee and taking a sip.
‘So, first night out as a legal adult, eh?’
I nod, sipping my own drink. ‘Yeah! I don’t know whether to be excited or terrified!’
He grins back at me, putting his mug on the tiles. ‘Just be careful.’ He cocks his head at me. ‘I know that I sound like a boring old fart, Pearl, but I’m serious. You’re very young, you’re very beautiful and there are a lot of predators out there.’
‘Don’t worry, Jus. If there is anything positive that’s come from my time on the streets, it’s how to take care of myself.’
Justin gives me a soft smile. ‘I know. I’m not trying to lecture you.’
I touch his hand, getting to my feet and draining my brew. I fish my phone out of my pocket. Four texts, all from Regan. Shit.
I’m going to have to deal with this. It’s early afternoon, I’m going out in a few hours and the poor kid thinks that she’s coming with me, because I haven’t had the heart to disabuse her of the notion. I’ve behaved like a spineless idiot and I feel my heart twist with misery for a moment as I realise just how hurt she’s going to be. I toy briefly once again with the idea of letting her come, but I daren’t. I wouldn’t enjoy myself all night, I’d have to have eyes in the back of my head and I certainly couldn’t get drunk, which I’m planning to do. If anything happened to her, Justin would probably kick me out.
‘I’m going to go online for an hour or so Jus, I need to catch up on my social media.’
He grins at me. ‘Oh, I forgot. Dillon and Nat said that they’ll meet up with you later on – they’ve got a fortieth but Dillon said that it’s going to be a complete nause, so they’ll skip it early. He’ll text you,’ he says and I smile at him as I move towards the kitchen door.
‘That’s brill. Right, gotta go and round up my scant group of friends!’
Justin gets up and comes over to me and I pause, leaning up to kiss his smooth cheek, closing my eyes briefly as I breathe him in. He smells incredible and I feel something inside me clench again for a moment as I move away from him. I know I shouldn’t desire him but a tiny part of me just can’t help it. He’s only seven years older than me and he’s the hottest man I’ve ever seen. It’s impossible not to.
I climb the stairs to my attic flat, chucking my fleece and phone onto my unmade bed and perching on the edge of it.
What a birthday! From a faded and scratched My Little Pony to a real-life gorgeous show jumping superstar called Nelson!
I lean over to snatch my iPad from my bedside cabinet, opening the case and waking it up. I need to talk to Regan, but I also need to update Facebook with news of my incredible birthday gift. As I wait for the iPad’s operating system to do its thing, I open the first of Regan’s texts. I sigh again.
OMG! I’m so excited!
So, where are we going?
I haven’t a clue what to wear, Pearl? Can I borrow something of yours??
Pearl?? Are you there?
Shit.<
br />
I swallow hard and screwing up my courage, I bring up my recent contacts and stab her name. Regan and I have never fallen out, never even had a minor disagreement about anything, but she’s going to bloody hate me for this. Despite the regret I’m already feeling at hurting her, allowing her out with us tonight would have car crash written all over it. My stomach turns over when she connects the call.
‘Oh thank God you’ve rung! I was getting desperate!’ She tinkles an excited laugh. ‘I have absolutely nothing to wear, Pearl, and you’ve got some lovely dresses. Can I come over to yours now and try a few on? Please?’
I close my eyes, the words bitter as I start to say them.
‘Regan, look. I’m really sorry, but I can’t take you out with me tonight.’
The atmosphere bloats and then drops to freezing, even over the telephone, all her bubbling excitement snuffed out as she processes my words.
‘What do you mean? You promised!’ she whines and I bite my lip, feeling like Judas.
‘I didn’t promise, Rags, I didn’t say yes or no one way or the other.’
It’s a pathetic excuse, but it’s the best I’ve got. I know I’ve misled her, egged her on. I should have told her three weeks ago, when she first voiced the possibility of coming with us that it wasn’t going to happen. There’s a stifled sob on the other end of the phone and I close my eyes again in distress as I hear her trying to control herself.
‘Regan, I really am sorry, but I just can’t. If Justin were to find out, or if anything bad happened…’ my voice trails off miserably but when she speaks again, her voice is cold and full of steel.
‘Pearl, don’t stress. You obviously don’t think I’m mature enough so don’t worry about it. Have a nice night, enjoy the rest of your birthday.’ She disconnects the call and I sit staring at my phone in dismay.
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