Dark

by Rachel Harley

  ‘Of course we can.’ A pause. ‘When will I see you?’

  I didn’t want to ask that. Didn’t want to put him on the spot – I have no idea how long it’s going to take to sort out the shit with his dad, but he’s evidently got enough on his plate without me adding any more. But, I need to know.

  ‘I’ll call you in the morning,’ he promises, dipping his head and kissing me gently for a moment. He doesn’t give a toss that Justin and Ellen are a few feet away, all he’s focussed on is connecting with me, inhaling my breath, imprinting the feel of my lips on his in his mind. I’m doing the same. We’re being pulled apart and neither of us like it.

  He reluctantly lets go of me, turning to Justin and Ellen again.

  ‘Thank you for almost having me!’ he smiles. ‘Another time, perhaps?’ He hoists a burnished brow and Justin comes over.

  ‘Absolutely, Carter, anytime. Your bike’s in the garage, come with me,’ he says and Carter hesitates before following him. He meets my eyes and he must be able to see the pain in them as he’s over to me again, enfolding me in his arms and kissing me deeply.

  ‘See you soon,’ he whispers, giving me one final peck and then pivoting and following Justin into the utility without looking back.

  Eleven

  Ellen grabs a handful of cutlery from the drawer, shoving it at me and nodding at the scrubbed table.

  ‘Set that would you, love?’

  I do so, my shoulders slumped. I was so looking forward to tonight and I curse Carter’s father. I wonder what he’s like? If he’s anything like Carter, he’ll be a great guy, but I get the feeling that father and son aren’t that close. Carter’s behaviour, deliberately snubbing an important meeting without good excuse and his attitude when speaking to Rupert, when he realised that his dad had arrived, wasn’t positive. He wasn’t pleased to hear the news at all, in fact he was bordering on angry for some reason. As I place the knives, forks and napkins on the table robotically, I chew it over in my head.

  I wonder why? What’s the score with his family?

  I also need to bear in mind his infatuated cousin, who won’t let go of him. I wander back over to Ellen as she takes plates out of the warmer, lining them up on the worktop.

  ‘Where’s Jared?’

  ‘Asleep,’ she says, hauling a roasting pan out of the oven as Justin comes back in from the utility. ‘He had a bit of a temperature before, he’s teething again and he’s a bit scratchy. He had some Calpol and it’s knocked him out.’ She starts to divide the food she’s cooked onto the three china plates in front of us.

  ‘Carter seems like a nice guy,’ Justin remarks casually, but I know him so well. There’s a thread of something in his voice, I’m not sure what it is, caution maybe? I move over to the wine rack and the glass cupboard.

  ‘He is, Jus, but don’t worry. We’re taking things slowly. He’s older than me, plus which he’s in the final stages of his Degree.’

  Justin helps himself to a cold orange juice. ‘How much older? he asks, giving me a squinty look.

  ‘He’s thirty eight,’ I lie playfully, Justin choking and spraying orange juice all over the kitchen floor, Ellen swinging her head to me in horror. ‘Just kidding!’ I say, Justin wiping his chin and scowling at me. ‘He’s twenty three, he’s in the last year of a Masters.’

  We take seats at the table, Ellen bringing filled plates over and we eat the delicious meal in comfortable silence. I feel my body almost sigh at the appearance of the food, I’ve not had much to eat at all for the last forty eight hours. I’m not overweight, but by the same token I can’t afford to lose much without looking ill.

  I push the plate back with a sigh, thanking Ellen as she gets up and starts to clear the table. Justin drains the last of his orange juice, giving me a smile and Ellen a soft kiss as she leans over him to take the empty glass from his hand.

  ‘I’ve got some work to do for an hour, baby,’ he says. ‘I’ll be in the study if you want me?’

  Excellent.

  I was wondering when an opportunity to talk to Ellen might present itself and here it is. If I can’t have the pleasure of lying naked next to Carter Jackson for the night, then the next best thing is talking about it. I don’t have to go into revolting detail and besides which, Ellen’s imparted enough extremely personal information about her and Justin to me over the last two years. It’s time I gave some back and there isn’t a person alive that I would rather talk to about it than her. Ellen is my everything rolled into one.

  I help her scrape the plates and pans and she loads the dishwasher, wiping her hands.

  ‘Another glass of wine?’ she asks and I think for a moment.

  ‘I shouldn’t. That hangover was horrible this morning.’

  She laughs as she makes her way over to the rack. ‘Pearl, love, two glasses of wine aren’t going to give you a hangover, two bottles, maybe!’ She brings a fresh bottle of cold pink wine over and we sit back at the table, as she pours us both a glass.

  ‘I remember my first hangover,’ she says, picking up her glass and taking a sip. ‘I was sixteen and in a huge sulk because Holly had gone clubbing without me.’ I suddenly think of Regan, wondering if I should tell Ellen about last night but decide against it. She’ll tell Justin and he’d only worry. Ellen sits back in her chair, pushing her hands through her hair as she continues her story.

  ‘So, I’m poking about in her room, fuming, and I found a stashed bottle of Pernod in her drawer. Well, I drank the lot, didn’t I? Mum spent all night holding my hair whilst I projectile vomited into the toilet. Jesus Christ, I’ve never been so ill. I can’t even stand the smell of the stuff now.’ She grimaces, placing her glass on the table in front of her and looking at me appraisingly. She knows I’m lingering for a reason, even though I’ve said nothing, she must be able to read the emotions in me. I’m bubbling with them.

  So, Mr Jackson, eh?’ she says playfully and just the sound of his name, the way that it rolls off her lips makes something dark and sweet uncurl lazily in my stomach. I rest my chin on my palm and gaze over at her.

  ‘Yeah.’ It’s pathetic, as if she’s going to let me leave it at that, but I honestly don’t know where to start.

  She sips her wine. ‘So, what did he think to Nelson?’ she asks and I drop my eyes, blushing.

  ‘We got to the yard, but we didn’t make it out of the car,’ I mutter, wincing up at her and I see her eyes change.

  ‘Really? Wow,’ she says quietly, running her finger contemplatively around the rim of her glass. ‘So, where did you go?’

  ‘Back to his house.’ I swallow hard. ‘His mate was at Anfield, watching the match, and…’

  I break off, biting my lip. I know what I look like. I look as though I’m embarrassed, that I don’t want to discuss what happened between me and that amazing man this afternoon.

  But that’s not it. That’s not it at all. The only reason I’m reticent about discussing it, is because it’s going to light me like an enormous bonfire and I’ve no extinguisher here to put it out. The extinguisher’s getting merry hell from his father and it’s all my fault.

  She smiles kindly at me. ‘Hey, look – you don’t have to tell me anything, Pearl. I’m not trying to pry.’

  ‘I know, it’s not that.’ I shake my head, meeting her gaze head on. ‘He carried me up to his bedroom. I was so ready, El, but when I told him that I was a virgin, I nearly had heart failure when he told me that he wasn’t going to have sex with me. He wants to take things slow, said my body needs priming for him.’

  My voice has thickened as I remember him saying the words, throwing the word ‘fuck’ in there casually as well, which makes me want to do just that. Oh God. I clench my thighs together on the hard kitchen chair. I hope Justin doesn’t walk in.

  Ellen’s beaming at me now. ‘That’s good! That’s great, in fact! Think about it Pearl… a bloke with his looks could have a random shag any time he wanted one. He wouldn’t bother wasting the time and effort on getting you to that
point, he’s probably knee deep in it.’

  I wince and she shakes her head. ‘Sorry. But you’ve got eyes, deal with it.’ She peals a laugh. ‘How do you think I’ve managed for nearly three years? It used to drive me mad in the early days, I could have cheerfully have punched some of them, believe me, but it’s a drawback of being with an unbelievably hot man.’

  ‘Anyway,’ she continues, chugging more wine. ‘What you’ve also got to realise, Pearl, is that giving a man the gift of your virginity is a huge thing. A lot of guys never get to experience making love to a virgin for the first time. It’s precious and you only ever get to do it once.’ A wistful smile now. ‘I sometimes wish with all my heart that Justin had been my first, I really do,’ she says. ‘To be able to look into his eyes and remind him that no other man has been where he is now…’

  I gulp. She’s right and my heart tells me that Carter is relishing the honour that I’ve bestowed upon him. I can see it in his verdant eyes, soaked with something powerful but that I don’t fully understand. He’s so easy to read in some respects, so difficult in others. Ellen’s next words drag me back to the present.

  ‘So… you’re taking things slow. Good.’ She raises a brow. ‘Have you done anything at all yet besides kiss?’

  I nod. ‘Yeah. I’ve… he’s made me, um…’

  Oh dear. This really is poor. Why can’t I just get the damned words out without stumbling over them? She helps me out.

  ‘He gave you an orgasm?’ she asks and I nod in relief.

  ‘Yes, two – the second one by just kissing me,’ I breathe and her eyes widen, her mouth popping open.

  ‘Blimey! Something else Walker has in the competition stakes then!’ Her eyes are gleaming now. ‘Pearl, trust me – there are a finite number of men who are hot enough and skilled enough with their mouth to be able to bring a woman to orgasm with kissing alone.’

  She’s right, my brain throwing Aaron’s tentative but almost sad kisses through my mind and how they did nothing to me at all. I could have been kissing a brick wall, as sad as it is to say. Some men can’t make a woman come through penetrative sex alone, let alone with just a good hard snog. I wonder vaguely how long I’m going to be able to hold out when he does eventually decide I’m ready. About two minutes, probably. I grin at my dear friend now.

  ‘It was incredible, El. Oh God, the things I felt, the pleasure, the emotion…’ I break off, my voice wobbling and I realise with horror that I’m nearly crying. What’s happened to me? This stunning stranger has infected me with himself and I’m struggling to function. There’s nothing else in my head but him. His voice, his smell, his touch…

  I shake my head roughly. ‘Ellen, I’m afraid,’ I whisper, my eyes glossy with the first of my tears and her eyes darken.

  ‘Hey, what…? Why?’ she pulls her chair closer to me and strokes my arm comfortingly. I take a huge slug of wine. I put the glass down, turning it rhythmically, gathering my thoughts. Why am I afraid?

  Because he’s going to hurt you – no – destroy you, actually, and you’ll never again be the same person.

  I have no idea where this notion’s coming from, but it’s there, embedded in the back of my brain and I can’t get it out. I can forget about it a lot of the time, when I’m with him, touching and kissing him, but when we’re apart, it grows, dark and malignant in my mind. That I’m going to fall so desperately in love with him and he’s going to walk away from me.

  ‘Ellen, I’m never going to admit this to him, but I’ve fallen in love with him. I couldn’t help it. We haven’t had sex yet, but all that’s going to do is make what I feel for him even stronger. I know it’s love – I’ve never felt like this in my life.’ She smiles, cocking her head and I can see the confusion in her eyes. She’s doesn’t understand.

  ‘He’s going to hurt me. I can just feel it.’

  ‘Pearl, honey – it’s natural to feel like that. It’s called self-preservation, your survival instinct is kicking in. It’s hardwired into you. Because of how he looks, you’re expecting him to walk away from you and find someone else. He could have anyone he wanted, right?’ A tilt of her mouth now.

  ‘Justin could have anyone he wanted, Pearl, if they were available and looking for a life partner. Without a doubt he could, but he chose me. Me. As hard as it is for you, and I get it, you have to work on your self-belief. You’re a beautiful girl, Pearl Harrison, inside and out and even if you can’t see it, the rest of the human race can.’ I melt at her words and can’t help the smile that spreads across my face.

  ‘Look at it this way,’ she continues. ‘Carter’s probably sitting there scratching his head in wonderment that he’s been able to land a stunning eighteen year old virgin who is so obviously into him!’ She laughs now, draining her glass of wine, but not getting up from the table. I get the feeling that the conversation isn’t over just yet.

  ‘So did you do anything for him in return, or was this afternoon all about discovering you?’

  I smirk. ‘No, I definitely got to meet all of him,’ I say slowly. ‘I, um, I gave him a hand job.’ I wince at her now. ‘I tried for a blow job but I fucked it up completely. As soon as it hit the back of my throat, I nearly threw up.’

  She smiles softly. ‘Good old gag reflex, eh? It needs training, Pearl. You need to learn to hold it. You can practice with a thick carrot.’

  I’ve got a mouthful of wine and I swallow desperately, not wanting to spray it all over the table in front of her.

  She wants me to blow a carrot?

  Well, why not? If it trains my gag reflex so I can give quality deep throat, then it’s worth doing. I make a mental note to nip to Tesco. I can’t ask Justin to buy one when he and El do the shopping, I’d die with embarrassment as to what he might be thinking.

  ‘Good call,’ I say. ‘I’ll give that a go.’

  She grins at me again and her eyes turn almost wistful.

  ‘You look different.’

  ‘I feel different, El.’ I say. ‘He’s changed me in twenty four hours, he’s altered my perspective of everything. Made me feel things that I’ve never felt before, strange, wonderful things that I never want to stop.’

  Her own eyes glimmer now as she stares at me and she gives me a crooked smile.

  ‘Looks like you’ve found your Justin, Pearl. Congratulations,’ she says shakily and I grin at her through my own tears.

  God, I hope so. I drain the rest of my wine with a sigh.

  ‘There’s an added complication though,’ I say and she looks at me questioningly. Despite the fact that I shouldn’t have any more, given the amount I drank last night and my hangover this morning, I snag the bottle and splash chilly wine halfway up my glass. I need if, if I’m to talk about Carter’s faceless, smitten ex.

  ‘He was seeing his cousin, Toria,’ I tell her, as she refills her own glass and her eyes darken a shade as she looks at me over the rim, taking a sip. ‘He finished it, but she’s not accepted it. He took a call from her when I was with him.’

  ‘Again – a good sign, Pearl,’ she says. ‘The fact that he’s been upfront with you as to his relationship with her, spoke to her in front of you.’ She gives me a long look now. ‘What was the tone of the conversation?’

  Some of the unease over the woman lingering in Carter’s life leaves me when I remember his words to her, the tone in his voice. Exasperation that she wouldn’t accept they were finished, mixed with weary annoyance and desperation to get her off the phone and away from him. I give her a small smile.

  ‘He didn’t want to take the call in the first place, she was ringing him off the hook,’ I say and Ellen’s smile broadens.

  ‘I wouldn’t worry then,’ she says, turning her wineglass on the table as she thinks. ‘Again, an occupational hazard of being in a relationship with a very hot man, Pearl, girlfriends that won’t let go. The fact that he’s her cousin just makes the whole situation worse.’

  It does and I get the feeling that Toria and I are going to have a head on c
ollision at some point in the future. Instinct just tells me so. She’s part of Carter’s family and, if I’m ever to meet them, which I’m hopeful of, then she and I are going to come eyeball to eyeball. She’s going to hate me on sight, that’s a given, but there’s nothing in the world I can do about it.

  Ellen gives me a thoughtful look. ‘Pearl, it’s quite clear to me that Carter is besotted with you, love – he couldn’t take his eyes away from you earlier. I’m sure you’re more than capable of dealing with his clinging ex.’ She wrinkles her nose now. ‘What the fuck sort of name is Toria, anyway?’ she splutters, mirroring my earlier thoughts and I grin at her widely now, draining the last of my final glass of wine. If I have any more, I’m going to be useless tomorrow.

  ‘Her names Victoria, but apparently, she likes to be ‘different’,’ I say, making air quotes with my fingers. ‘I’ll bet she’s beautiful,’ I say unexpectedly and Ellen’s smile fades a little.

  ‘She won’t be as beautiful as you are,’ she says softly, getting up and coming over to me, enfolding me in a soft hug.

  Twelve

  I stand under the shower the next morning at seven, my head tipped up to the pounding spray, my eyes closed.

  I slept like a log, no doubt due to the wine and sex that I had earlier that day. It might not have been sex in the true sense of the word, but we were intimate and I know some people would say that what I allowed Carter to do to me yesterday with his mouth is far more intimate than penetration. But, I’m still a virgin and I will be until he deigns that he’s ready to slide that perfect cock into me. I’m a patient girl, I can wait and I clench with happiness for a moment, before bending to pick up the shampoo.

  I’m towelling myself dry, when I glance at my phone. I’d half hoped I might have had a text by now – I was expecting one last night, but maybe I’m being unreasonable. His dad was no doubt there to read him the riot act, they probably spent all night screaming at each other. I’m sure he’d have texted if he was able to.