Dark

by Rachel Harley

  ‘I’ll see you later,’ he says, his green eyes searching again. God, I wish I knew what was going on in his head at times like this. There’s so much written in his eyes, but it’s like a foreign language to me, I can’t decipher it. It makes me feel vulnerable for some reason. I bite my lip as I look up at him and he must see the anxiety in my eyes.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘Nothing.’ I smile and shake my head, but he’s not buying it.

  ‘Hey. Talk to me,’ he presses and I almost laugh.

  Me talk to him? He has plenty in his head that he needs to heave out, it’s written clearly in those intoxicating eyes, but he won’t flaming say it, will he?

  ‘It’s just… sometimes you…’ I break off. How am I going to word this, without sounding like I’m trying to fish things out of him? He’s still waiting and it’s clear he’s going nowhere until I get this out. I try again.

  ‘Sometimes, I get the feeling that there’s something that you want to say to me, Carter, like there’s something on the tip of your tongue. But you can’t.’

  I’m searching his eyes now, looking for that thread of fear that I think I see in them sometimes, wariness. I recall again the night when he thought I was going to say that I loved him and his apprehension as a result. I don’t see it now, though, and he smiles gently.

  ‘You rob me of the ability to think clearly, baby,’ he says softly. ‘Sometimes, when I look down at you, or when I’m kissing you, I forget what it was that I was about to say – you obliterate me. If I stumble over my words, it’s only because I’m completely drunk on you.’

  Is this yet another encrypted declaration of his love for me? It certainly sounds like it, he says the most romantic things. I think again briefly about the possibility that he’s merely just a first class bullshit artist, but why go to all this effort, when he could have any woman he wanted without even trying?

  Carter kisses me again and then I break regretfully away. I need to take my time getting ready tonight, I want to look sexy but classy and given my unruly mane of hair, that’s going to take some preparation. He’s still holding my hands and when I take a step back from him, his fingers tighten around mine. He doesn’t want to let me go and it thrills the hell out of me.

  Finally, after one more lingering, groaning kiss, he gathers himself and slides gracefully into his Audi, starting the engine and dropping his window as he puts it into gear. His face lifts towards me for one last kiss.

  ‘See you later, beautiful,’ he says huskily, giving me a half smile and then easing down the driveway. I watch him go, and he raises a hand out of the driver’s window before indicating left and roaring out of sight.

  Thirty One

  I slide out of the Mercedes SUV at the top of Daniel’s wide driveway, shutting the door and turning to take Carter’s hand. I tighten my fingers around his as I look up at him.

  He looks incredible tonight. He was hot as hell in that navy blue suit that he wore earlier in the week, but the charcoal grey that he’s wearing tonight, coupled with the copper silk tie that brings out the highlights in his hair stopped me in my tracks when I opened the door to him half an hour earlier. Judging by the expression on his face and his ridiculous pupils though, I did the same to him. I’m wearing a black cat-suit, the trousers long and loose, but the rest of it clinging to my bum and flat stomach, hugging my naked breasts. It’s halter necked and backless and I heard Carter’s throat click as he swallowed hard. He couldn’t take his eyes off me.

  Justin and Ellen approach from the front of the car, holding hands and we all beam at each other. Ellen looks absolutely stunning tonight. Her silver dress is like a waterfall down her slim body, her hair exotically curled and piled on top of her head, her make-up understated. Justin is Justin, the man would be delicious in a bloody potato sack, but he’s likewise immaculate in a formal dark suit, his favourite cerulean tie knotted around his neck.

  We start towards the door, chatting quietly and Justin lets us into the house. There’s no knocking here, we’re family and as we all wander through the huge hallway and into the lounge, I grin widely when I see that everyone’s already here. We’re not late, certainly, it’s just gone eight, but as Dan strides towards us all, his handsome face one huge smile, I know that he’s probably asked everyone else to arrive a little early, a welcoming committee for the daughter in law that he adores.

  The group of people in the lounge put down drinks and get to their feet to welcome the birthday girl and I smile, squeezing Carter’s hand. Tonight’s going to be amazing. Everyone I love in the world is here.

  No they’re not. Someone’s missing.

  I pang for a moment. Aaron’s not here. I didn’t ask him, it would have been a disaster, in fact, he wouldn’t have come. I know he wouldn’t. Sitting across a table from me, watching me with Carter, touching and kissing in front of him would have been more than he’d have been able to bear. Shit. For the first time, it occurs to me that my friendship with Aaron might be over forever. Unless he meets someone, falls in love, and releases me from his mind, he’s never going to be happy in my company when I’m with Carter. And that’s going to be most of the time. It’s never going to work. It’s a revelation, and a very sad one.

  I push it away as the first of the people who’re finished cuddling Ellen move towards Carter and I. Holly and Jess reach us first, their eyes warm and alive with interest. They’ve never met him before and I hug them both gleefully, eagerly introducing my amazing man. They’re captivated, even before they’ve shaken his hand, Holly blinking up at him for a moment, unable to drag her eyes away. She cocks me a dirty eyebrow as she moves over to give me another hug, her lips whispering at my ear.

  ‘Oh my God?’

  I pull back and beam at her. ‘Yeah. Not bad looking, is he?’

  She snorts, tossing her head, her curls bouncing. As Ellen gets older, she looks more like Holly, which would be no bad thing for any woman. Holly’s beautiful, really beautiful and Daniel is besotted with her.

  Diane’s next and she gives Carter a long hug, before launching into a conversation about tattoos. Ryan rolls his eyes at me, clutching a bottle of Bud, as Di starts peeling various items of clothing back, proudly displaying her ink to Carter. When she tugs her skirt down at the back though, flashing a cerise pink thong, Ryan chokes on his beer.

  ‘Flaming hell, Di! Stop flashing your undies! We’re at a posh party!’

  Carter throws back his head and laughs and I can see Diane’s eyes focussed on his shirt front. Her cogs are turning, she’s debating whether or not to ask him if she can see his phoenix, I know she is, but thankfully she reins herself in.

  Dan comes strolling up, a folded tea-towel over his arm and he embraces Diane and I together.’

  ‘Beautiful ladies!’ he says, bowing theatrically. ‘What can I get you to drink?’

  I debate for a moment. Can I see myself getting drunk tonight? Yes, if I’m honest, I can – but not steaming – not if I want Carter to make love to me that is. Shagging me when I’m smashed is crossing the line for him, so I need to watch how many I have. I liked the Southern Comfort, much better than wine and I chew my lip as Diane orders a brandy from Dan.

  Drink it then, but have a mixer with it.

  Good plan and I grin at Dan, asking for a Southern Comfort, lime and lemonade. He nods, smiling and turns to Carter, whom I realise I’ve not introduced. I do so quickly and the two men shake firmly. I can see Dan appraising him quietly, obviously liking what he sees, the strength of his shake and he gives him a wide smile.

  ‘Good to meet you, Carter. I’m Dan, Justin’s dad,’ he says. ‘I gather your father is in the same profession as mine?’

  Carter nods, taking hold of my hand again. ‘Chartered, Dan – yes,’ he says. ‘He has a large practice in Dorset.’ Dan nods, asking Carter what he’d like to drink and he asks for a Budweiser. Gemma and Donna come over and more hugs are exchanged as we chat lightly about the skiing together and I show them the videos on my phone.


  Dan comes back with the drinks and as he does, Dillon and Nat come in from the kitchen. I grin again, taking a sip of my drink. That’s much better, even nicer in fact. Doesn’t even taste like alcohol now.

  That’s dangerous. Don’t forget and start guzzling it like pop. It’s powerful stuff.

  Dillon’s eyes are locked on Carter as he approaches and I know Justin must have told him about his degrees, his career plans; there’s real interest in Dillon’s light blues. I introduce them and they shake. I think everyone’s met him now, we’re all here. He must be sick of it, being passed around like exhibit A but he doesn’t look to be feeling any pain. He takes a swallow of his beer, giving me a slow wink and I pull Dillon into a hug and then Nat.

  ‘Good to meet you, Carter,’ Dillon says, drinking his own beer. ‘Hear you’re my camp, bit of a geek on the quiet!’

  Carter laughs easily. ‘Indeed I am. I’m a few weeks off finishing a Masters,’ he says and I tune out as they start to chat tech, it means bugger all to me and I turn to Nat. She sips her wine and we talk about nothing much for a few moments, the barbecue they went to today, which was her sister’s engagement party and our skiing trip. She winces suddenly and clutches her head.

  ‘You alright?’ I ask in concern, taking a sip of my drink.

  She nods. ‘I think I might have a migraine coming, it’s been lurking all day. I shouldn’t be drinking this, really. It’ll make it worse.’

  ‘Have you taken anything? Dan will have some painkillers?’

  ‘I’ve taken some, but sometimes they do nothing,’ she says, putting her glass down on the occasional table. ‘Occasionally I just can’t shake one off and I need to go to bed.’

  That’s a shame. I was going to ask her and Dillon to come for a drink with us tonight, after the meal. I want Dillon to get to know Carter, I want to integrate him into my whole family as quickly as I can, and I know he’ll bond with Dillon. How can he not? They’re like peas in a pod intellectually.

  Dan appears in the doorway again and he claps his hands.

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen – if you’d like to make your way to the dining table, please, Jessica and I will bring out the entrees,’ he announces and everyone starts to make their way over to the long table near the patio doors. It’s immaculately laid with thick spotless damask, crystal glasses and fine silverware and, as I take a seat in the middle of the table, Carter sliding next to me, I put my drink down and just for a moment marvel at where I am tonight. Two years ago, I was hunkered down in disused buildings, trying to keep warm under cardboard and eating whatever rancid scraps of food I could lay my dirty hands on. The life I’m living now is something that even I didn’t dare fantasise about – it was as far away from me as the moon, or at least it seemed so at the time.

  Justin’s directly opposite me, Ellen to his left. Dillon has slid into the chair next to Carter, evidently to continue the geek-speak that he’s revelling in and Diane’s plonked herself next to me. She gives me a stupid grin.

  As everyone apart from Dan and Jess take their seats, starters begin to appear and I smile at Jess gratefully and thank her as she puts a plate in front of me. I was hoping for this – Dan’s home-made farmhouse pate, a delicate pile of salad drizzled with basil oil and hot crusty bread.

  Dan does the rounds with bottles of wine and Jess follows with jugs of water. The chat around the table, although low, is full of happiness and excitement, everyone delighted to be here and revelling in the togetherness that this family has. There’s so much love and warmth between everyone here, even if they aren’t related by blood or even marriage, like me.

  The chatter dies down as Dan and Jess take their seats as everyone starts to eat and for a time the only sound in the room is the scrape of silver on china. Justin pops a piece of bread into his mouth, hiking a brow finally and snaking a smile from the side of his mouth. He’s not finished making Diane pay yet, but I don’t blame the man, given all her days of crowing. He’s entitled to wring every ounce out of this situation.

  ‘Is your arse sore from when you landed on it today, Di?’ he asks casually and Ellen chokes a laugh, her glass halfway to her mouth. Diane sighs theatrically and rolls her eyes, shoving a spinach leaf into her mouth.

  ‘Oh belt-up, Walker. You’re like a dog with a flaming bone,’ she grumbles. Dillon leans back in his chair, looking from Diane to his brother, his expression questioning. Ellen quickly fills him in, Dan also laughing now and Dillon shakes his head at Diane pityingly.

  ‘Jesus, Di – of all the people you thought couldn’t ski,’ he says. ‘Justin could have turned professional, if he’d wanted to. At fifteen he was blowing grown men out of the water, experts… he could have made a career out of it.’

  There’s total silence around the table for a few moments, everyone frozen and Justin throws Dillon a pained look.

  ‘Stop exaggerating!’

  Dillon snorts. ‘I’m not and you know I’m not. You’re just being modest.’

  Ellen looks at her husband lovingly as he drops his eyes to his plate, a light flush suffusing his high cheekbones. He finally gives his brother a weary smile.

  ‘You can hardly talk about proficiency, Dillon, given what you can do with tech,’ he says, hoisting a brow at his brother and Dan stands, starting to clear away everyone’s empty plates, Holly getting up to help him, but he waves her back into her chair.

  ‘You’ve a sore ankle, sit down,’ he says and she gives him a loving smile. As our empty plates disappear, I snuggle into Carter again, sliding my hand onto his warm thigh. The material of his suit is expensive, finely woven and very thin and I can feel the heat pouring from him under my fingers. I slide them teasingly higher, no one can see a damn thing under the heavy table cloth and I feel his body clench and almost throb under my touch when the tips of my fingers skate to the apex of his thighs. He laughs at the banter that Dillon and Justin have going on over the table and then casually dips his lips to my ear. His curls tumble over his face.

  ‘Baby, if you give me a hard-on, I am never going to get rid of it without some help and these pants will give me away immediately,’ he whispers, but there’s also a thread of real pleading in his voice and the last thing that I want to do is embarrass him. What am I doing, trying to get him aroused at a dinner party like this? Sometimes my own behaviour appals me.

  ‘Sorry,’ I whisper back, looking up at him regretfully. He smiles.

  ‘Don’t apologise, it’s very flattering and it makes me feel wonderful,’ he murmurs back, everyone else around the table chatting between themselves as we wait for the main course to be served. ‘I just don’t know everyone very well yet and I want to make a good impression.’

  ‘You could never make a bad one, Carter,’ I fire back and he kisses me gently for a moment, his eyes closing in bliss, it seems.

  I drain my drink, Justin catching my eye. He can see that I haven’t drunk much wine and he asks me if I’d like another short. I nod, thanking him and holding my glass out and he disappears to refill it, after asking anyone else if they’d like a top up.

  Within the next five minutes, plates of rare roast beef, puffy Yorkshire Puddings, goose-fat roast potatoes and seasonal steamed vegetables are placed in front of us and conversation continues in a light vein as everyone tucks in again. I close my eyes in pleasure at the first mouthful. Daniel Stott is a wonderful cook. He loves it, he’s always in the kitchen conjuring something up, he says that it relaxes his mind. Everyone eats quietly for a time, the odd murmured word here and there.

  ‘So,’ Dan says finally, placing his fork on the side of his plate and picking up his wineglass. ‘I hear that you’re about to finish a Masters, Carter?’

  All eyes turn to Carter now with interest, everyone keen to hear what he has to say. He nods, taking a drink of his Budweiser.

  ‘Yes, in Computer Science,’ he says. ‘I’m like Dillon, obsessed with tech,’ he smiles, Dillon flashing one back at him. ‘I’m considering a Doctorate, but I’ve put it o
n hold for the time being. I’ve been studying flat out now for six years and I need to start to earn some money.’

  ‘Do you write your own stuff?’ Dillon asks, spearing a piece of mange tout. Carter nods, picking up his fork again.

  ‘Yes, but not with any regularity due to time constraints and the work needs perfecting, in the main. I’m toying with the idea of starting my own Consultancy – I’ll see if there are any offers forthcoming first. It’ll depend on my grades, but I’m not worried.’

  ‘When are you sitting your finals?’ Holly asks, as she puts a forkful of beef into her mouth.

  Carter finishes his meal and puts his knife and fork onto his plate. He wipes his mouth on his napkin and leans back in his chair, his gaze locked with her over the table.

  ‘I can sit them whenever I’m ready, Holly, but I had a couple of areas of weakness that needed extra work.’ He glances at Dillon. ‘Automata-formal language and system architecture algorithms, specifically,’ he says, Dillon nodding sagely as if he understands completely what the hell that is. I’m glad I’m not the only one around the table with a screwed up face and mentally scratching their head.

  ‘And your family live in Dorset?’ Dan asks as he rises again to start to collect the empty plates and Carter nods, handing his over and thanking him.

  ‘Yes. My uncle Jimmy, dad’s brother, is a Solicitor, has a criminal practice. My mother died when I was fourteen, I don’t have any siblings,’ he says quietly and Ellen catches my eye at the words. Justin lost his mum too, something else these two remarkable men have in common. Dan’s eyes fleet with sadness when he hears Carter’s words and there’s the mutterings of condolences around the table. Carter shakes his head.

  ‘Thanks. It was a long time ago, now.’ He gives a sad smile, catching Ellen’s eye and she gives him one back.

  Dessert is a magnificent raspberry Pavlova and as coffee and cognac are served, everyone’s leaning contentedly back in their seats now. We’re all stuffed full of wonderful food, mellowed out with alcohol and delighting in the company of all the people we love. There’s much laughter, in fact, it seems only a few seconds go by without a peal of it appearing and I see Justin drain his coffee, looking around the table and then taking a deep breath.