Dark

by Rachel Harley

  ‘After you and Carter left, I went back to Rupert’s place and we had a coffee,’ she says. ‘Nothing too much happened, we spent a lot of the time just talking, laughing and kissing, but it was wonderful. We’ve swapped numbers and he’s taking me out for a drink tonight.’

  ‘I’m so pleased for you Gem,’ I say warmly. I really am. I knew they’d hit it off, I just had an inkling. We chat about nothing for another twenty minutes, and then:-

  ‘Have you spoken to Aaron?’ she asks.

  ‘No. I’m going to steer clear of him for a few days, give him the chance to sort his head out. If he refuses to accept that Carter and I are together, then I honestly don’t know if I can continue to be his friend,’ I say sadly and she sighs, agreeing with me. I hear the ear-splitting roar of two superbikes and my stomach curls deliciously. They’re back.

  Telling Gemma that I’ll give her a call to arrange lunch sometime this week, she tells me she loves me and I end the call, placing my phone on the table beside me. As the Godawful engine noise shuts off Ellen comes back into the garden holding a bottle of Bud, a J20 and another cold bottle of pink wine. There’s no sign of Jared and he must have gone back to sleep.

  Within the next couple of minutes, Carter and Justin are walking back through the open patio doors, looking at each other, talking and laughing animatedly. They’re high on adrenaline and I smile. They’re already starting to bond, their love of skiing and bikes giving them a mutual common ground. This is exactly what I wanted to happen, Carter to sink seamlessly into all our lives and after the hour they’ve just had, I’d say that he’s nearly there.

  Justin’s scrubbing his hand through his blond hair, making it comically stand on end as he reaches Ellen and he picks her up, swinging her around before snogging the life out of her in full view of Carter and I. I roll my eyes. Carter had better get used to this, if he hasn’t already – the Walkers’ constant, unquenchable desire for each other, but when I look up at him to see what his reaction is, I squeak with surprise as his mouth is immediately on mine. He swallows the squeak, which turns into a soft moan as his tongue begins to stroke my own and I resist the urge to fling myself from the garden chair into his arms.

  His eyes are closed with pleasure as he continues to kiss me slowly and when he breaks away, I get a good look at him. He looks so beautiful, his face flushed with excitement, his own curls a wild tumble and I wonder stupidly if he actually wore a helmet.

  ‘Have a good time?’ I ask as he takes a seat next to me and his face is one big smile.

  ‘Jesus, did we?’ He looks over at Justin who has taken a seat opposite him, nearest the barbecue and he takes a long swallow of the orange J20 that Ellen fetched out for him. I nod to the Budweiser and Carter smiles his thanks, snagging it and tipping it to his lips. I suddenly itch to kiss him again. For some strange reason, I love the scent of alcohol on his breath, it turns me on.

  Justin leans back in his chair, his head tipping to Ellen as she makes her way behind him and he snags her hand as she passes, pulling her into the chair next to him.

  ‘I might get myself an Aprilia,’ he says thoughtfully, Ellen rolling her eyes.

  ‘You’re one man, Justin, you can’t ride two bikes at the same time!’

  ‘Variety is the spice of life, baby,’ he returns silkily and I hike an eyebrow. Justin can make the most innocuous sentence sound seductive, the man is a hardwired sexual magician. Even though I’ve not one ounce of physical experience myself, I can just read it in him. I’ve never met anyone with so much sexual magnetism, well, I hadn’t up until I met Carter, who’s stroking my fingers with his.

  ‘No need, Justin, just borrow mine,’ he says easily and Justin smiles, getting up to light the barbecue. Within ten minutes, the smell of sizzling burgers, steak and sausages drifts across the garden and Ellen distributes plates, napkins and cutlery. As the food starts to appear in the middle of the table, we all help ourselves, chatting and laughing quietly in the evening sunshine as we eat.

  Justin finally pushes his plate back with a contended sigh. ‘So, Carter. What are your plans after graduation?’

  I swallow a piece of steak and slide a look at Carter. I recall the conversation we had in bed last night, his naked hatred of his father and his plans for a sharp exit as soon as he has what he needs. Carter drains the last of his beer before looking at Justin clearly.

  ‘I’m keeping my options open at the moment, Justin. I was considering starting my own consultancy, but that will take some time to become profitable and there’d be substantial initial financial outlay.’ He reaches for my hand, his fingers tightening for a moment around my own and I get the strangest sensation that I’m not going to like his next words.

  ‘I’ve had a job offer,’ he says quietly and now my head shoots round so that I can lock with his eyes.

  ‘I didn’t realise you’d started applying for jobs already?’ I say and he shakes his head.

  ‘I haven’t… they found me,’ he replies, glancing over at Justin and Ellen now too. ‘I got an email a few weeks ago. I thought it was one of the lads on my degree course fucking about at first, they’re more than capable of it, but I called the number on the email and it was legitimate.’

  The silence is total for a moment and I’m holding my breath.

  ‘Who was the offer from?’ Justin asks and again, Carter’s fingers seem to clench for a moment around my own. He dips his head, shaking it for a moment before he utters just one word.

  ‘Apple.’

  I release the breath I’m holding, but only because my mouth has dropped open and I see similarly stunned expressions on the Walkers’ faces. Ellen takes a large slug of her wine, as if she needs it. Carter gazes down at me a little anxiously now.

  ‘They’d been watching my post-Grad progress and when I was a third of the way through my Masters, they became interested.’ He gives a lovely rueful smile now. ‘It’s an incredible offer. A six figure salary, a home, a car, health and pension benefits. It’s a conditional offer at the moment, there are two stipulations.’

  My hand is now sweating in Carter’s and I gently pull it free. I can’t get my head around this. My boyfriend has been headhunted by Apple? I blot my damp hand on his jean clad thigh as he speaks again. The Walkers have still said fuck all.

  ‘If I want the job, then I have to pass my finals, with exemplary grades. I could sit them now and still pass, but if I give it a final push, perfect some areas of weakness, then I’ll pass everything with flying colours.’

  Justin’s got his chin on his palm now and he’s staring at Carter with great interest. ‘What’s the second condition?’ he asks.

  There’s a bloated pause and when Carter’s hand comes down to his leg to gently cover mine, I grit my teeth. He gives me a sad smile.

  ‘I have to move to California. I’d be based at the Apple Campus and I’d have to live in America for a minimum of three years.’

  The delicious food that I’ve enjoyed turns greasily in my stomach at his words. He’s going to live in America, he’ll be there for at least three years. We’ll never see each other. I’ll lose him, there’s no way that we’ll be able to keep a long distance relationship going for three years. I’d never have a minute’s peace, wondering what he was doing, who he was spending time with. All those beautiful American women throwing themselves at him? No way. I’d rather exist without him than have that stuck like a black thorn in my brain every waking minute, and every sleeping one too, no doubt.

  ‘Wow.’ Justin’s broken the silence, thankfully, his voice threaded with awe and I drop my eyes, trying to force the burning tears back down my throat. I can’t start blubbing at the flaming dinner table for Christ’s sake, but this is so unexpected. Carter’s never said a word to me about this and I feel a sudden throb of anger towards him that he hasn’t. He’s knocked me sideways, this was the last thing I expected him to say and I doubt I can even open my mouth at the moment. If I do, I’m likely to bark something caustic at him and I grit m
y teeth.

  I can sense everyone’s eyes on me, and the sympathy coming from Ellen over the table. She knows by my reaction that this was completely out of leftfield and I marshal my inner strength. Wealth and security have made me soft and I’m losing my edge. I swallow hard and finally bring my head up, managing to give all of them a cool look and a smile. If I’m going to lose my shit, I’m not going to do it here.

  ‘That really is an incredible offer, Carter,’ Ellen says softly, Justin nodding as he slings an arm over the back of her chair.

  ‘I haven’t accepted it,’ he says quietly, but he’s looking nowhere now but into my worried eyes. He must be able to see the pain in them, the prospect of the next three years of my life, or even forever, without him.

  ‘I was going to, I…’ he breaks off and I resist rolling my eyes. Jesus, the man can say so much, but also so little. He gives me a sweet smile. ‘I’m not sure that it’s what I want anymore,’ he continues quietly. ‘If Apple want me that badly, then I can get a job anywhere in the world on not much less of a salary – I don’t have to go and live in America to earn decent money.’

  He shifts his chair closer to mine and within a second his arm is around the back of my neck and he pulls me to him. Justin and Ellen watch us quietly from the other side of the table, but it doesn’t bother me at all. Carter doesn’t seem shy of displaying his feelings for me in front of them.

  I glance at my watch as I snake my arms around his waist and lean my head on his chest. I’m full of food, three glasses of wine, which is more than enough on a Sunday night and I should feel relaxed and lazy. But I don’t. I need to talk to Carter, alone. I can’t leave this here, accept without discussion that he’s glibly prepared to throw away a once in a lifetime job offer, which would set him up forever and enable him to probably retire by the time he’s thirty five.

  He’s not sure that’s what he wants anymore. Why is that? Because of you?

  I need to find out. If it is because of me, and he’s prepared to walk away from an opportunity like that, then he must love me, surely?

  It might not be you. He’s just said that he’s not sure that it’s what he wants. Not that he can’t go and live on the other side of the world from you?

  Indeed. And the fact that he still hasn’t revealed what’s in his head grinds in my nerve endings again. I actually don’t have a clue how Carter Jackson feels about me and I search my memories, the intimacies we’ve shared, the things he’s whispered at the height of making love to me. I’m beautiful, I turn him inside out with pleasure, I’m so incredible, he’s said all of those things, but how does he really feel? He has the Away Ache, he’s admitted that, which means he feels something, but I’m close to becoming sick and tired of second guessing this complicated man and I don’t know how to deal with it.

  Just as I’m debating on how to excuse us from the barbecue table, two things happen simultaneously. The baby monitor at the side of the now cooled grill starts to wail, just as Justin’s phone shrills at him and they both react. Ellen trots into the house as Justin swipes his phone open and accepts the call.

  It’s The Guardian. They’ve just had what looks like an underage, badly beaten young lad through the doors and they need him there. He confirms he’s on his way, bidding Carter and I goodnight and telling me he’ll see me in the morning. Although it’s only early evening, it’s likely he won’t be back until at least the early hours. Justin gives so much of his time, whenever it’s needed, without a murmur and as he strides into the kitchen, in search of Ellen and Jared, I pull back from Carter’s hold gently and look up into his face.

  He’s troubled, his eyes are skittering with thoughts and emotion but they seem to clear when he sees me gazing up at him and he smiles softly.

  ‘You okay?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I pause. I haven’t actually asked him whether he’s staying tonight, I’ve just kind of assumed that he is, but he’s probably got Uni tomorrow and may have plans for an early night. ‘Will you stay tonight, Carter?’ I almost whisper and he hears the thread of pleading in my voice immediately.

  ‘Of course I will,’ he whispers back, dropping his mouth to mine and he kisses me languidly, his fingers stroking gently through my thick hair. Finally, he breaks regretfully away. ‘What do you want to do tonight?’ he asks, looking at me lovingly.

  I bite my lip and I know my eyes have heated when he laughs softly.

  ‘That’s a given, baby.’ His dimple appears and he kisses my nose. ‘It’s early though, do you want to watch a film or something?’

  No. I don’t. I still haven’t had a shower and we need to talk. I smile up at him, knowing exactly how we’re going to spend the evening.

  ‘How about a bath together and a chat for an hour or so and then…?’

  He tugs me off the chair and onto his lap suddenly, wrapping his arms around me and he tips his head back, his curls falling away from his face. In that split second, he looks so incredibly beautiful that I feel pain slice somewhere deep inside me. It almost hurts to look at him and I catch my breath.

  ‘…and then,’ he breathes, his eyes closing slowly as I brush my lips against his, ‘…I’ll take your beautiful body to bed and love you long…’ a deeper kiss, ‘…and hard, and slow, and…’

  I cut his words off with a groan, crashing my mouth down onto his. If he doesn’t shut up, I’m going to embarrass myself when Ellen comes out and I knead his lips desperately with mine until I need to breathe before I pass out. When I lean away from him and his eyes flicker open, they’re black and smoked out with lust and sexual promise.

  I get to my feet and start to gather the empty plates, glasses and utensils and Carter immediately helps me. We stack everything in the kitchen, Carter going back out to the garden to shut the barbecue and wipe the table as I load the dishwasher.

  Done, he meets me near the kitchen door, giving me a crooked smile as he takes my hand and leads me up the stairs towards my little attic.

  Thirty Six

  Sinking back into the bubbles half an hour later, I close my eyes with a contented sigh. They open again, when I hear a cough and Carter’s head appears around the bathroom door. He grins at me.

  ‘Do you want a drink?’

  I sit up, turning and sitting sideways, spreading my legs under the water and I see his breath hitch.

  ‘Just a glass of water, please?’ I’d like another glass of wine, but I don’t even want to think about how many units I’ve swallowed in my first week as an adult drinker. Far too many for my own good, I’ve thrown up once. Drinking at home can be a slippery slope and I sometimes admire Justin very much for his aversion to alcohol.

  Carter nods and winks at me as he retreats and I close my eyes again. Thinking about Justin’s mum has made me start to think about mine, although I haven’t a clue who she is. I don’t even know her name. If I’d still been in care when I reached sixteen, I could have applied for a limited amount of detail as to my birth mum’s identity; her name at least. I used to wonder about her all the time, this faceless woman in whose womb I grew. I think about my father less so. He could have been anyone, but then again, so could my mum. I used to look at pretty women on the street, wondering if perhaps, just maybe, it was her? A young girl who made a terrible mistake, but has since moved on with her life, become happy, had more children. I guess I’ll never know and at least since living with Justin and Ellen, I think about my beginnings much less. I could apply for the information now, but why bother? My focus is the life I have now, not the circumstances of how I came to be. That doesn’t matter, not anymore.

  Carter comes back into the bathroom with two tall glasses of water and he hands them to me. I place them on the raised shelf on the wall a foot above the bath and turn to smile at him as he begins to shed his clothes. I can’t tear my eyes away as his perfect body gradually comes into view, the flood of pleasure I feel when I see his phoenix. I will never get tired of looking at that piece of body art. It’s changed my whole perception on tattoos and
I’m definitely going to get one of my own.

  I can’t help the throb in my groin as Carter shoves his undies down his thighs and steps quickly into the bath. He kneels down, wincing slightly as the hot water searches out his sensitive skin and I grin. He sinks down next to me, his back on the side of the tub, his knees out of the water. Our thighs are touching, he’s close and I reach up and hand him his glass of water. He thanks me, dipping to kiss me before taking a sip.

  I’ve got lots to talk to him about tonight and I can’t let my desire for information be derailed by his beautiful body sitting next to me in the hot fragrant water. I resist sliding my hand around his cock, I know he’s aroused, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his manhood as he stepped into the bath. I also resist putting on the jets, the swirling water will just turn me on even more. I turn to look at him.

  ‘Would you consider it fucked up if I had a tattoo of a phoenix done?’ I ask, his eyes widening and his mouth popping open. ‘Not exactly the same as yours, obviously,’ I say quickly, realising what the first sentence sounded like. Jesus, he’s had Toria stalking him for weeks, why on earth did I say that? He grins down at me suddenly.

  ‘Do you know what, I’d actually consider it an honour,’ he says seriously. He considers me for a moment. ‘Why a phoenix?’

  Why indeed? I bite my lip. Is it time to start to regale Carter with details of the shit that I lived in for years, the cold, the loneliness? That I rose from the dirty ashes of my former life the day I ran to Justin Walker? I really don’t know and I hesitate, for a moment too long, as something fleets through Carter’s verdant eyes. I recognise this one, for a change. Anxiety. I almost smile. Boot’s on the other foot now, I know this feeling well.

  ‘Or an Angel,’ I say, smoothly swerving his question as to why I’m considering having a phoenix indelibly tattooed on my body for ever more. He cocks his head curiously and as I drop my hand to his thigh under the water, my fingers stroking the hairs gently his eyes slide close for a beat, a soft sigh escaping him.