Dark

by Rachel Harley

  ‘You didn’t have anything with prawns in it from Denise, did you,’ he asks. ‘Diane told me that she’s having a couple of issues with Bradley, her new apprentice. He keeps preparing food without wearing gloves and he didn’t label a batch of defrosted prawns in the fridge two days ago.’ He looks annoyed. ‘He needs to pull his socks up, otherwise, he’s out. I can’t risk him poisoning our residents!’

  Ellen comes over with a crowing Jared on her hip and he throws his chubby arms towards Justin as he reaches him. He takes his son, holding him close and his eyes close for a moment with love for him.

  ‘Diane goes to bingo with Denise, you know,’ Ellen tells me and despite my fragile state, I can’t help but laugh.

  ‘Really? I’d have thought that bingo was too staid for Diane!’

  ‘Well, you know Di,’ she says fondly. ‘She nearly got thrown out last week for shouting ‘Two Stiff Cocks’ over ‘Legs Eleven!’’

  We all laugh now and although it has a ring of tiredness from all three of us, at least it’s a reasonably positive emotion. I’ve a feeling I’m not going to have many more of these today. I drain my coffee and put my mug in the dishwasher, collecting my bag. Justin puts Jared on his shoulders as he too stands and he looks at Ellen.

  ‘What time should I drop him at your mum’s?’

  ‘Any time after nine,’ she tells him, looking at me as I pause near the kitchen door. ‘He’s going to mum and dad’s for a few days, at least until Dan’s out of the woods,’ she says and I nod. Good idea, Janet and Ian will adore having him over. They’re soft as shit when it comes to their stunning grandson and putty in his chubby hands.

  ‘Is Holly alright?’ I ask. Ellen nods.

  ‘She’s at the Hospital, Jess is with her,’ she says and I crease inside at how Holly must be feeling. The man she adores hooked up to machines after undergoing major heart surgery.

  ‘Give her my love?’ I ask Justin and he nods.

  ‘Will do. I’m going to get my head down for a couple of hours and then I’ll see you at The Guardian.’

  ‘I’m at the Town Hall first thing,’ I reply. ‘Meeting with Pat to go over the last quarter’s figures.’ He nods, giving me a wave and wandering over to the fridge, Jared tugging on his hair and screaming in his ear.

  I blip the lock on my Mini and slide into it, just as my phone pings with a text. My belly clenches. I know without having to look at it that it’s Carter. I can sense it.

  I just sit there for long moments, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to read it. I’ve got to work today – I’m breaking it off with him tonight, but whatever he’s sent me, it isn’t going to do anything for my equilibrium or my peace of mind. If it’s another loving lie then I don’t think I’m going to make it through the day. I suddenly itch to run back upstairs, climb into bed and pull the covers over my head, but that’s not the sort of person I am. If I have problems, I face them head on. I’ve had no choice in the past.

  Squaring my shoulders, I pull out my phone and touch it open. Wasn’t wrong and I hesitantly read his message.

  Good morning, beautiful. Shit. I close my eyes for a beat before gathering the strength to read on. I hope you’re feeling better – I’ve been thinking about you for most of the night. I really do need to talk to you, Pearl – can I come over tonight when you’ve finished work? That’s if you’ve gone to work, of course…

  He’s rambling now, but the dots are throbbing and he’s writing something else. He’s a lot to say, evidently. Pity it’s all bullshit and he’s totally wasting his time and effort.

  Anyway, let me know? I know that I’ve upset you recently and hurt you, but I’ll tell you everything, I swear. I can’t wait to see you, give me a call if you need anything?X

  He’s going to tell me everything, is he? More lies. He’s hardly going to stand in front of me and tell me that he’s Carter McLeod. I twist a smirk at my phone. I wonder if he’s been sitting up all night, plotting as to how he’s going to lie his way out of the suspicions that he knows are in my head. It’ll be some shite about his father blackmailing him, probably… I don’t actually give a toss what he’s got planned to say, because he won’t be getting any of it out. I won’t give him the chance. As soon as he arrives, he’ll be sent packing.

  I try not to think about what I have to do later on today. I don’t want to hurt him, for some reason. I should want to wound him as grievously as he’s injured me, but as I stare at the flashing cursor on my phone, it shocks and horrifies me to realise that I still love him, just as powerfully as I did before I learned of his real identity. What the fuck does that make me?

  How can I love a McLeod? He’s from the same stock as the man who nearly murdered Justin, kidnapped Regan and would have shipped Ellen and I off to some awful Thai brothel. Caleb’s vile black blood is running through Carter’s veins. I can’t love him, I can’t but unfortunately for me, I do. I clench my teeth until my jaw aches. It doesn’t matter whether I love him or not. He’s not capable of love, and even if he was, I don’t want it. This is worse than anything I’d ever imagined Carter would do to me. Cheat on me, leave me to go and work for Apple, walk away from me… all that pales into insignificance when faced with his crimes against my heart.

  I haven’t replied and suddenly, I realise that I’m not going to. I should just send a curt message back, telling him that six tonight was fine and that I’ll see him later. But for some reason, despite my brain screaming at my stubborn finger, it doesn’t tap the keyboard and I shove my phone back into the depths of my bag. I’ll bet he’s ignored enough of Toria’s desperate attempts to get in touch with him, let’s see how he likes a taste of his own medicine.

  I start the car and drive to Liverpool Town Hall.

  Forty Three

  Pat Templeton and Delyth Curtis smile at me as I shut my iPad. I drain the last of my coffee and shove the device into the leather bag at my side, leaning back in the chair and returning it.

  ‘Thanks for coming today, Pearl,’ says Del. She’s the assistant director of Children’s Social Care and a lovely woman, as is Pat, the senior safeguarding social worker. ‘You give us invaluable information on some of our kids who might have gone off the rails when they leave us,’ she says, dropping her eyes sadly before she brightens. She’s remembered something.

  ‘We’ve submitted a funding bid, Pearl, and if successful, we’ll be able to start the joint initiative that Justin mentioned to Bill the last time they met,’ she tells me and I nod. Another brainchild of Justin Walker, and although he doesn’t need the Local Authority’s money, it’d be stupid to refuse it. They’re planning to employ a team of street support staff and counsellors, rounding up those youngsters who had not yet taken the step of approaching The Guardian themselves for whatever reason and I give her a wide smile.

  ‘He’ll be made up, Del,’ I say as I stand up, glancing at my watch and picking up my things. I can hear my phone buzzing from the depths of my leather bag. It’s past lunchtime now and it’s been doing this for about three hours. I’ve ignored the humming when it stops and starts.

  I should have replied to him really, it was childish and stupid and of course he’s pissed off and worried. I’ve never behaved like this with Carter, I’ve jumped eagerly on each and every message that he’s sent me. The cold indifference and lack of response to what he sent this morning has obviously unnerved him badly. Shit.

  Saying goodbye to the Council Officers, I make my way to the car park and slide into the Mini. I dump my briefcase and bag in the passenger foot-well and as I do, my bloody phone starts again. I drag it out, not even looking at the screen as I open it, I know full well who it is. I take a deep breath before speaking, trying to keep the chill out of my voice, but I don’t pull it off.

  ‘Hi Carter.’ Fuck, that sounds so formal and I clear my throat, trying again. ‘Are you alright?’

  ‘Fuck, Pearl – am I alright? Jesus, baby, I’ve been trying to reach you for hours, I’ve been so worried…’

&n
bsp; I cut him off. ‘Carter, I’m really sorry, I didn’t want to worry you. Dan had a heart attack last night, and…’ why are you telling him this? ‘…I’ve been in meetings all morning, didn’t hear my phone.’

  My words are entirely reasonable, but there’s something missing from my voice, I can hear it myself and so does Carter, as his next words are full of anxiety and he stumbles over them awkwardly.

  ‘Jesus… I’m, um… God, I’m sorry to hear about Dan. Is he okay?’

  I can’t sit here and do this now. I can’t chat to him over the phone like everything’s fucking fine and I feel the greasy hold that I have on my resolve and temper begin to slip. My next words are threaded with impatience, an emotion that Carter has never heard from me before.

  ‘Yes, we think so, but he’s poorly at the moment.’ I breathe in. ‘Look Carter, can we talk later? I’m sort of in the middle of something. Come to mine at half six?’

  ‘Um… yeah. Sure, sorry, I…’

  He breaks off but I say nothing. He sounds so confused and I close my eyes slowly in pain for a moment. I need to end the call, now.

  ‘See you later,’ I say, touching the red circle and shoving my phone back into my bag. I lean my forehead on the steering wheel and close my eyes in distress. My chest feels thick with sobs, a hot pressure in the back of my throat and I’m about to break down in the car in public again.

  I can’t go back to The Guardian, not like this. I won’t be able to hold onto it and as soon as Diane or Justin ask me what’s wrong, I’m likely to blurt it out. Trouble is, I have no idea what I’ll blurt out. I need to go home. I hardly slept last night for one reason or another. If I get my head down for a few hours, hopefully I’ll wake up marbled with a little strength and resolve for what I have to do when Carter arrives.

  I text Justin quickly, telling him that I’ve started feeling really sick again and I’m going home. He replies immediately, telling me not to worry about anything, that Dan’s condition is still the same but stable and he’ll see me tonight. I pang with love for Justin Walker for a moment. I thought I’d found my own version, but instead, I found a beautiful charlatan intent on breaking my heart.

  Putting the car into gear, I drive slowly home.

  Forty Four

  Climbing wearily out of the Mini, I turn towards the front door, looking down as I walk to fish my keys out of my bag. As I reach the door, still fumbling blindly, I hear a sound that not only ignites my blood, but almost explodes my damaged heart. The throb of a powerful V12 engine.

  As the sound increases, so does my pulse and I abandon the search for my keys, swinging around from the door in near terror at what I’m about to see. It’s not the AMG, I know that and when the black Audi pulls quickly to the top of the drive, the door flying open before the engine has even stopped, my heart clanks to a stop and slides into my throat.

  Fuck!

  This is it and as the tall, beautiful and very distressed man flings himself out of the low slung car, I fold my arms, turning to him and grinding my teeth into powder. I’ve no time to really plan and think this through now, this is thinking on my feet in the extreme. I curse myself for my off-handedness. In all seriousness, if the shoe were on the other foot, would I have been able to sit at The Guardian all day, worrying myself sick that something was badly wrong?

  You did have to. When he fucked off home the other night after giving you squat by way of an explanation.

  Random thoughts swirl, my brain not able to catch hold of any of them to make a sentence and when Carter gets to the bottom of the stone steps, he stops. Due to his height, we’re eye level with me on the top and he rakes his hands through his wild hair in agitation. His face is flushed and his eyes panicked. They’ll be even more panicked in a minute.

  ‘Pearl, what the fuck’s going on?’ he demands, his voice threaded with anger as well as worry. ‘You’re acting as though you hardly know me, as if you’re not bothered if you see me or not!’

  I struggle when his verdant eyes lock with mine, struggle with everything, not just holding his gaze. There’s so much pain in it suddenly. His acting is nothing short of phenomenal. Never mind his IT career, he should be walking the red carpet at the opening night of his latest blockbuster, his leading lady on his arm.

  I’ve said nothing, my arms are still folded defensively across my chest. I should be marshalling my thoughts, lining up what I’m going to say, but he’s so beautiful that he’s wiped my mind. I’ve not seen him since the night he walked out on me, after we’d made the sweetest love and his face is tearing at my heart like a rabid dog. I need to get something out and do it quickly. I know that I haven’t got a hope in hell of stopping the tears and I have no idea when I’m going to lose my grip and succumb.

  ‘Pearl, please?’ he says when I still don’t speak and he raises a foot to take a step towards me. I automatically take one back, touching the door now and the pain in his eyes turns to real agony when he sees what I’m doing. I haul in a deep breath, which thankfully, doesn’t shake.

  ‘Carter, I don’t want to see you anymore,’ I say quietly. Shock and horror flood his face.

  ‘What? Why? Oh God, look, Pearl – I know I behaved like a prick the other night, but please, you told me that you’d hear me out, let me explain,’ he says desperately, and his chest is starting to rise and fall with real panic. ‘Please, just give me fifteen minutes, I…’

  ‘No, I’m sorry,’ I say firmly, cutting him off. He stays where he is, but his eyes are now searching mine, sweeping across them again and again, trying to get a glimpse of the love that he was so sure I was full of. It’s still there, but I’ve thrown a blanket over it and I’m pleased at how well I appear to be pulling it off. I continue quickly. I need him gone, seeing him in so much splitting agony is not only hurting me, but it’s starting to cast some doubts in my mind that I don’t want to think about.

  ‘It’s got nothing to do with the other night, well – it has,’ I explain. ‘It’s not the fact that your attitude changed and you left, but when you did, I did some thinking.’ I manage a sad, wobbly smile. ‘I’m not ready for all this, Carter. It’s too much for me. I know that I’ve caused you shit with your family and I’m really sorry, but I’m eighteen. I want my freedom back to live my life, have fun, see other people…’

  Uh-oh, there’s definitely a wobble in my voice now as Carter’s eyes darken to such a degree, the emerald has disappeared entirely. He’s in utter torment in front of me, his lips parted with disbelief and I barrel on whilst I still have the ability to talk.

  ‘I need to concentrate on Nelson and I’ve got a lot to do at The Guardian,’ I say. ‘I just don’t have room for any more baggage.’

  ‘Baggage!’ he fires at me, looking really wounded now. ‘I’m baggage? I thought…’

  ‘You thought what, Carter?’ I shoot back. I want to hear him say what he thought he heard the other night, and it’ll be interesting to see if he resorts to telling me the worst lie yet – that he loves me when he doesn’t. He must be shitting himself, now that he’s fucked up his part in this dark nefarious plan and he might use the words as a trump card, a last ditch attempt to save his arse and keep me close.

  He clenches his eyes shut for a moment, running his hands through his hair and he grabs hold of a handful at the back and tugs it. He only does this when he’s really agitated.

  ‘I thought that, well, that you loved me,’ he almost whispers and the pleading, whether real or manufactured makes my throat thicken. I shake my head roughly and when I lock with his eyes again, mine are cool and clear, despite a volcano raging from my neck down.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I say softly. ‘You must have misunderstood me. Perhaps you should have let me finish the sentence?’ My eyes flash at him, I can’t help it, the memory of his finger against my lips, shutting in my words of love that he couldn’t hear and he closes his own again in pain. ‘I was about to say that I loved fucking you too – remember? You said it to me, a few moments earlier?’

/>   I cock an eyebrow and he shakes his head slowly. His dark eyes are alive again and for some strange reason, I don’t think he’s completely buying this. Whether I finished the sentence or not, he must have seen something in my eyes, felt it in my frantic tissues, I don’t know. But he’s not convinced.

  So, step it up a gear. You need to get rid of this man, you need him out of your life. He’s a McLeod, he’s an evil, toxic bastard and you shouldn’t even be breathing the same air.

  Before he has a chance to speak, to rebuff what I’ve just imparted, I carry on. My eyes dip, however. As much as I love and hate the beautiful man in front of me, I can’t see the expression in his eyes when he hears my next words.

  ‘There’s something else,’ I murmur, swallowing hard.

  Oh Jesus! Are you really going to say this to him?

  I have to. It’s the only way I’ll succeed in sending him away. I can sense it and I see his jaw muscles clench, his whole body tensing as he waits for the words. He’s expecting them to hit him like blows and they’re going to. He takes a breath and holds it.

  ‘I’ve been trying to deny it, Carter, but I’ve developed feelings for Aaron.’

  I can’t help but look up at the human being I’ve just destroyed, or at least I look like I have. He turns and starts to pace in a tight circle, his hands raking through his burnished curls again and again. I just need to hammer this home, now, I can’t focus on what I’m doing to him, how my lies are destroying him.

  Carter stops and turns to me and his eyes are so green in the afternoon sunlight, I know he’s got tears in them. What a guy! He deserves an Oscar for this!

  ‘Aaron and I have a lot in common, Carter, far more than you or I do. We come from the same stock, he’s nearer my age and we have history. I can’t fit into your world, Carter – your family hate me for a start.’