Beyond Redemption: Joker (Serpents MC Las Vegas Book 1)

by Barbara Nolan

  “Really?” She eyed his bloody t-shirt and dirty sweats. “You’re killing yourself one day at a time, and that’s what you want to talk about?”

  “I’m being a dick.”

  “Actually, you’re half right. It was nice to reconnect with my friends, but I was bored out of my mind. Going straight isn’t very exciting.”

  “Fuck, no.” He tossed the empty mini Patron onto the couch cushion. “Pretty much sucks.”

  “Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did.” Daisy stared at him, trying to gauge his reaction.

  His back stiffened, then he scrubbed his hand over his stubbled jaw. “That was your call, babe, not mine.”

  “I know.”

  She answered the knock on the door, and a waiter entered with the liquor, an ice bucket, and glasses. She thanked and tipped him, then unscrewed the bottle of Jack Daniels and splashed some into two glasses.

  “Are we doing this?” She held out the glass to him, and he pushed himself off the couch.

  She downed hers and refilled it. When she brought the second shot to her lips, he grabbed her wrist. “Stop.”

  “Why?” She twisted free and gulped down the whiskey. Back in the day, she could drink most men under the table, but when she ran a scam, it was common practice to get the other guy drunk while she poured her drink into the potted plants. “If we get drunk enough, we can lie to each other, and neither one of us will remember it in the morning.”

  “That’s enough.” Joker pried the glass away from her and slammed it onto the table.

  “Fine, but you better start telling me what’s going on with you.” She examined his bruised, bloody knuckles. “What you’ve been doing to yourself, and why.”

  He looked down at himself. “I need to take a shower first.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Ten minutes later, he emerged from the steamy shower and wrapped himself in the hotel robe. His gaze fell to the blood-stained clothes on the floor and the gaunt, fucked-up face of a man who hadn’t slept or eaten regularly. Usually, he avoided his reflection, but tonight he leaned in for a closer look. His sunken, shadowed eyes searched for answers. The cuts and bruises on his face were superficial, but their significance was genuine.

  Joker leaned away from the mirror but kept his eyes on his image, searching for something redeemable, something that would give him courage and make facing Daisy less painful. After a few minutes, he gave up. It was no use. A month wasn’t nearly long enough to get over her. She showed up looking as beautiful as ever, waiting for him and wanting answers. He yanked open the bathroom door and headed straight for the bottle of Jack.

  Daisy’s fingers curled around his wrist. “Not another drop.” She fixed him with a steely glare. “You’ve been doing more than just drinking.”

  “Fuck, yeah.” He sniffed and wiped at his nose. He sure could use a bump right about now.

  “And what if you get hurt or worse because you’re fighting when you’re so high you can’t see straight? What’s that going to do to Derek?”

  “Best thing that could happen to the kid. Be rid of me once and for all.”

  “Typical user. Only worried about your pain, your problems. Selfish.”

  Oh no, he wasn’t gonna let her get away with that. Sure, he’d fucked up, and yeah, his life was going off the rails, but he wasn’t the only selfish one.

  “Like the way you ran out on me. Just ghosted me. That was some selfish shit, or maybe you were just too fuckin’ scared.”

  She bit her lower lip. Her chest rose and fell with angry breaths, and Joker knew he hit a nerve. He waited, and when she eyed the cut-glass tumbler, he thought about ducking.

  “You’re right, I was scared, but the chances you’re taking could hurt more than just you.”

  The anger and pain simmering in his brain exhausted him, so he slumped onto the couch. “I watched my old man fuck random sluts and pump junk into his arm, then I’d clean up after him when he was too wasted to move. I saw it all, and I never wanted to do that to Derek. That’s why I had to send him away.”

  “And you think getting drunk and high is going to make that pain better?”

  “Getting high is the only thing keeping me from sticking a gun in my mouth.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “It’s fuckin’ true. The minute I’m straight, I remember how I got my kid shot.”

  “What?” She swayed and braced herself against the table. “Is he …”

  “He’s alive, but he’ll have a scar on his chest for the rest of his life. And I’ll never forget his fragile body strapped up to all those machines.”

  Daisy’s face softened. “So that’s what this is about?”

  “A few inches to the right, and he’d be fuckin’ dead.” He lowered his head. “I hurt everyone I touch. That’s why I shipped him off to Nebraska.”

  “You’re moving to Nebraska?”

  “Not me, Derek.” He looked up at her. “I sent him to some fancy boys school. Far, far away from me.”

  “And how did he feel about that?”

  “I don’t give a fuck. It’s what’s best.” It tore him up when he’d put Derek on that plane. The one good thing he’d ever done gone, but the look on the kid’s face really tore him up. Angry, betrayed, and just plain hurt.

  “For who?”

  He coughed hard, then cleared his throat. “I’m doin’ what I gotta do. And if sending him out to Bumfuck, Nebraska, to keep him safe is the way to do it, then yeah.”

  “And you think that’s what he wants?”

  “Doesn’t matter.” He leaned forward, placing his head in his hands. “That world keeps following me. I tried to get out, but even that turned sideways.”

  “Do you know who shot him?”

  “Oh, fuck yeah.” His heart rate amped up with rage, the same chaotic emotions he tried to tamp down with blow and booze. “Digger.”

  “I thought Derek was staying with Eddie.” Her eyes widened. “How did he—”

  “Derek has a stubborn streak, doesn’t always listen to the rules.” He smirked. “Yeah, I know. Anyway, I told him to stay put at Eddie’s apartment, and instead, he decided to take the subway up to Riverside to try to help me and smooth things over with the club. Digger was shadowing him, and when he got to the subway, he shot him. Right there on the fuckin’ platform.”

  “And nobody saw him or tried to stop him.”

  “The platform was packed with people, and Digger’s a professional. He got in close, took his shot, then melted right back into the crowd before anybody even knew what happened.”

  “So, Derek saw him. He can identify him?”

  “Which means nothing. In that world you retaliate, you don’t go to the cops.”

  “Derek must’ve been so scared.”

  He dragged his hands through his hair. “Solid shot right in the chest. Inch to the right, and it would’ve hit his heart, but it was still bad. Doctor said with all the blood Derek lost—” His voice caught, and he paused. “If it wasn’t for him being young and in good shape, he’d be dead.”

  She eased next to him on the couch and placed his battered, bruised hands in hers. “And there’s nothing you can do about it?”

  “Sure, I could go up there and blow Digger’s brains out, but I’m not going back to prison because of that fucker, and I don’t wanna be that person for Derek.”

  “So Digger wins. You and your son are separated, and instead of killing Digger, you’re killing yourself one day at a time.” She screwed up her lips. “Makes perfect sense to me.”

  “What the fuck else can I do?”

  Daisy pushed herself off the couch, grabbed the bottle of Jack by the neck, and poured a generous amount into each glass. She sat back down, handed him his drink, and brought hers to her lips. “There has to be a way to make him pay.”

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  “The guilt and the regret.” She ran her fingers over his stubbled jaw. “It suffocates you, but you have to find a way to get i
n front of it.”

  Joker leaned in and slanted his mouth over hers, then mumbled against her lips. “I don’t know if I can.”

  A strand of Joker’s damp hair fell against her cheek. The scent of soap and shampoo mingled with the whiskey on his breath. Clean out of the shower or dirty and sweaty or battered and broken—it didn’t matter, this man got to her like no other. She wanted to help him, to heal him, and sometimes she wanted to kill him, but anger and love were just different sides of the same emotion.

  “You can and you will, but let’s not worry about that tonight.” She snuck her hand into the fold of the robe and ran her fingers over his chest, the sinews of muscles taut from his loss of weight. She spread the robe further apart and explored lower over his rippled abs.

  Joker flinched, then stared into her eyes. “Quit teasing me.”

  “No teasing.” Daisy wound her arm around his waist and held on to him. “I just want to be near you. We don’t have to do anything.” She tried to read his expression. “I understand if you don’t want me, or—”

  He thumped his fist against the couch cushion. “Don’t want you? You’re all I think about, but I can’t do this again.”

  “I know I hurt you when I ran out in Florida.”

  “Hurt me?” He growled. “You fuckin’ gutted me.”

  “I was afraid. I know it was wrong, but …”

  “I get it, but I’m messed up enough without having to get over you all over again. Fuck, who am I kidding, I didn’t get over you the first time.”

  “We have a lot to work on.”

  His body tensed, and she understood his reaction: Joker losing his son, her fear of commitment, and Digger getting his payback. All the obstacles that haunted them, and deterred them from becoming the people they wanted to be unless—

  “I might know a way to even the score with Digger.”

  “Me too, but they all end with me putting a bullet in his brain.”

  “What would you say to giving Digger exactly what he deserves without being anywhere near him?”

  “Sounds like one of your fantasy stories. The kind that only come true when you’re sleeping.”

  Daisy’s mind spun with all the different angles and ways to make this idea work. She felt rejuvenated and alive for the first time in a long while. And the best part was—doing this for Joker and putting her conning skills to good use. She’d never even met Digger, but she knew him. Oh yes, she knew exactly who Digger was and how to deal with him. After all, she’d been doing it for most of her life.

  “Sometimes, dreams do come true.”

  “Are you gonna tell me about this plan of yours?”

  “Not yet. But when I have it all worked out in my head, you’ll be the first to know.”

  “That’s good enough for now.”

  He pulled at her with urgent desperation, but all she wanted was his body next to her, under her, and on top of her. She wanted to fill herself up with everything that was Joker—with no recriminations, no guilt, and no regret—just the two of them in that hotel room together on that night.

  He cocked his head. “What are you smiling at?”

  “Us.” She widened her smile. “Our entire relationship has taken place in hotel rooms.”

  “Kinda makes sense.” Her heart skipped when he reached out and curled a piece of her hair around his finger. “Two strays looking for a home.”

  “Maybe we’ve found one.”

  “Maybe?” He leaned back out of her space. “If you can’t do this, I’ll understand, but—”

  His way of giving her an out. Letting her walk away without any guilt, or any more guilt, but she couldn’t take him up on it. She didn’t want to take him up on it. Daisy’s whole world sat in this hotel suite. And yes, much of their relationship was based on games and deception, but in the end, there was nowhere else she would rather be than here with him, in his arms.

  “I promise, no more leaving.” She held him tight. “I can’t promise I won’t be scared sometimes, but no more leaving.”

  Joker nuzzled into her neck. “I need you, baby, by my side. With me. From the first time I saw you in that cabana, I knew.”

  She reared back. “The first time you saw me in that cabana, your eyes were glued to my tits and ass.”

  “Well, fuck, can you blame me?” His smirky grin had her rolling her eyes. “And yeah, you’re right, but it was more than that, you triggered something in me. I wanted to help you, to protect you. I don’t know what it was, but it rocked me.”

  “Full disclosure? Although the whole cabana scene was a scam, it flipped me out the way you stepped in. Sure, that’s what you were supposed to do, but it was the way you took charge. I felt safe, and I haven’t felt safe in a long time. And even though you were a bad guy, I instinctively knew you weren’t bad.”

  Joker stared at her for only a second, then stood up, scooped her into his arms, and stumbled into the bedroom. When he laid her down on the bed, he licked his lips. “I’ve been dreaming about this moment, but I never thought it would …” His voice trailed off.

  “See, I told you dreams do come true.”

  “You look so beautiful.” He untied the robe. “I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw you at the fight club. Figured my messed-up brain was fuckin’ with me.”

  “It’s me.” Daisy reached up to him.

  Groaning, he slid his hands over her thighs, then undid the button and zipper of her jeans. She wriggled out of them, filled with expectation and excitement, then tugged her shirt up and over her head. Joker’s strangled moan told her all she needed to know. He wanted her as much as she needed him. All their push and pull, all their angst would be set aside, if only for a few hours, and hopefully, when they came out the other side, they’d be stronger and ready for whatever came next.

  Joker exhaled all the pent-up fear and pain as Daisy reached for him. Knowing that she wanted him, even broken, filled him up and let him believe, at least for a little while, he could have some peace. Let his mind rest and expel all the demons that haunted him over the last month.

  He shrugged off the robe, then lay next to her, marveling at the soft beige of her flawless skin against his dusky, battered, and scarred body. A comparison so ridiculously opposite they almost made sense.

  He exhaled slowly, then rested his forehead against hers. “I know I got no right to ask you this, but I want you to trust me.”

  She furrowed her brow. “Trust you?”

  “You’ve seen me at my worst tonight. Even after Desiree, I didn’t sink as deep as I have now. I make no excuses except that it all came crashing in on me—Derek getting shot, sending him away … not having you. I took the coward’s way out.”

  She smoothed his hair off his face. “No, you are the bravest person I know, and—”

  He put his finger to her lips. “Listen. What I’m trying to say is that from tonight on, no more coke and no more binge drinking. I’m done with all that shit.”

  Daisy nodded her head, but she’d been around users, and he knew the only way to prove it to her was by example. And from now on, he was committed to being the best person he could be. No more blaming himself for shit he couldn’t control and no more feeling sorry for himself.

  “I’m even gonna try to quit smoking.”

  She leaned up and covered his lips with hers. Joker shuddered and pulled her closer, feeding off her strength, needing everything she had to offer. She broke away from the kiss and looked him square in the eyes. “If you can do all that, then I can learn to trust and not run away.”

  His lips quirked up. “You mean, if I fall asleep and wake up later, you’ll still be here?”

  “Promise.”

  He stroked his palm up her side, then rested it on her hip. “Then baby, you better be ready, ’cause I’ve been waiting to have your body for way too long.”

  “Sounds like a challenge.”

  He leaned over the bed, retrieved his robe and rooted around in the pocket, then pulled out a string of cond
oms.

  “Where did you get them?” she asked around a laugh.

  “Apparently, the Drake Hotels believe in safe sex. They were in a container in the bathroom.”

  Daisy skated her fingers up his back, and he shivered. Her light touch sent sparks straight to his dick. “You know you make me crazy, right?” He licked his lips, then leaned over her, capturing her nipple and sucking hard. Joker loved the perfection of her body and the way she arched up and melded to him, sculpting her smooth, soft curves against his hard edges.

  Daisy sucked in a sharp breath. “You’re doing a good job of making me crazy too.”

  “Ohhh yeah,” he whispered, then flicked both her nipples with his tongue. She squirmed under him reaching between them. Daisy fisted him, and he groaned again.

  “You’re body is so chiseled. It’s like a fine-tuned machine, built for power.” Resting her hands on his hips, Daisy’s eyes traveled over him. The love in them made all the bruises and scars disappear, both physical and mental. She’d called him handsome in Florida, and the way she was looking at him now made him a believer.

  Joker had never had a woman touch the core of him and get under all his bullshit the way Daisy did. She could make him feel like a king just by looking at him. Make him worthy by smiling at him, and make him know love by being with him.

  “You make me whole.” He stilled after he said those words because, to him, it summed up all the empty spaces, all the voids in their lives. “When I’m with you, it all makes sense. All the good parts come together, and all the bullshit disappears.”

  “I know. With you, I’m me. Not someone with a fake identity. Just me, and I’m starting to like it.”

  “Only you,” he gasped inches from driving home and getting the release he so desperately craved. “I know we said this back in Florida, but after everything that’s happened, I want you to know—I’ll always keep you safe and … I love you. Forever.”

  Daisy stilled beneath him, and a single tear crept down her cheek. Her breathing hitched, she mashed her lips together, then drew him to her.