Never Look Back

by Lilliam Rivera

  When did Jaysen become my manager?

  “I’m not doing the beach,” I say. “I need a break.”

  Jaysen stands up as if he figured it all out. He is jumping up and down. I’m glad Pops left early this morning to not witness this fool.

  “I knew it. You got eyes for Eury. Man, I should have known once you started belting out Prince songs something was amiss. Even Mami fell in love with Eury. ‘Why can’t you find a nice girl who goes to church?’ That’s what she said to me the other day. Shit. I ain’t got time for that.”

  Mass. That’s where Eury goes to. Okay. She’s on a spiritual trip. I didn’t grow up in church. My father is a believer but not Catholic unless it’s liberation theology. Priests taking arms to protect the poor is more Pops’s speed.

  “What church?”

  Jaysen is going on. He isn’t listening to me.

  “Yo, what church?”

  “Bro, I don’t know. I mean, Mom goes to St. Anselm every single day because she always makes sure dinner is ready before she heads out. What do you care? Eury is an angel and you, you ain’t nothing but el diablo.”

  I’m not the devil. It’s true I’ve been a player. My thing with Melaina doesn’t look good from the outside. My crew probably expects me to be with Melaina, but maybe I’m not supposed to do that.

  There’s a banging at the door. Penelope is on the other side, and she’s screaming for me to wake up.

  “What the hell,” I say and grab a clean shirt. “Hold up!”

  “What are you two huevones doing today?” Penelope asks. I check to see if her cousin is with her. She’s not. “We are going to Central Park. You want in, or are you going to stay here staring at each other?”

  “Damn, Penelope. Why can’t you just ask nicely, for once?” Jaysen says. This only causes Penelope to push him.

  “Is your cousin going?” I ask because I have to. I can’t help myself.

  “Do not mess with her. Either of you.” She gets right in my face. “I’m telling you right now. I will cut your balls off. She needs no stress. I’m letting you two be around her because for whatever reason Eury actually thinks you are okay.”

  “I promise,” I say. “I’m not going to cause her stress.”

  Penelope gives me a long, hard stare. “Meet in front in ten minutes.” And with that she walks out, slamming the door behind her.

  I get to spend the day with Eury.

  Wait. She doesn’t want some stink ass.

  “Dammit. We are going into the city. I’m not mentally prepared for whypipo,” Jaysen says as I rush to strip and jump in the shower. “I hate you, bro.”

  Thirty minutes later, Jaysen and I rush down the steps to the front of the building. Penelope tells us to hurry the hell up. Eury stands beside her with a serious face. How can I communicate if I don’t have my guitar with me?

  “Hi,” I say.

  “Hi,” Eury says.

  “Oh my god, let’s go!” Penelope breaks the trance between Eury and me.

  We walk toward the train station. I never get over the surge of excitement from taking the train into the city. It’s as if we are playing hooky, like we’re entering a domain we are not meant to enter. The train arrives, and for whatever reason, I am forced to sit with Jaysen while the girls settle across from us. Damn Jaysen for cockblocking without even realizing it.

  A guy standing by the door has his music so loud. Even with his headphones on I can make out the song he’s listening to is a bachata. I take this as a good sign, but I don’t say a word or even hum. I catch Eury’s reflection and there’s a grin. A tiny one.

  Okay. No singing. Be cool.

  Once we reach Eighty-Sixth Street, we pile out of the train. It’s only a few blocks to the park. There are groups of little kids holding hands and wearing oversized neon green T-shirts on their way to a field trip.

  “Penelope, I don’t want you to get lost,” Jaysen says. He tries to grab her hand.

  “¡Déjame!” she screams.

  “So, what’s up with A-Aron?” Jaysen asks. I laugh. So does Eury.

  “His name is Aaron, and he’s taking summer classes,” Penelope says.

  “Oh, he’s stupid, huh?”

  Jaysen gets decked. He deserves it. Aaron is pretty cool. Jaysen’s only ragging on him because the guy is not around to defend himself. Besides, Jaysen should know better about calling anyone that. It’s not cool or funny.

  “Have you ever been to Central Park before?” I ask Eury. She nods.

  “I was really young. I think we went to the zoo.”

  “No, prima, that was the Bronx Zoo. The first time my parents brought you here was to see the snow. You freaked out!”

  Eury puckers her mouth. Then she smiles. She remembers.

  “Yes. It was too cold. I don’t belong in winter.”

  “Truth,” I say. “No one does. You’re lucky you only have to deal with the summer stench and crawling rats.”

  When we finally reach the Eighty-Fifth Street entrance of the park, Jaysen acts the fool and starts running wild across the green open space as if he’s never been outside his whole life.

  “Wait for us!” Penelope yells and grabs Eury’s hand. I didn’t know we were regressing back to childhood, but I’m in.

  I run after them, dodging kids and blankets laid out for the residents to catch rays. Parents cluck their tongues at us. Shaking their heads. I’m sure they hate seeing us brown and Black kids acting out in their park.

  Out of breath, we drop down on the grass, completely spent.

  “Remember when ‘running’ meant running and not running away from something?” Eury asks.

  Jaysen and I look at each other. “No.” We both say it at the same time.

  “There was a time when we were innocent,” she quietly says. “I remember.”

  Eury lightly runs her fingers across the blades of grass. Penelope, being the smart one, pulls out a bag of oranges from her tote bag. She hands one to each of us. The citrusy smell permeates the air.

  “It is nice here,” Eury says.

  “Let me tell you a little bit about Seneca Village.”

  “Aw, Jesus! Here goes Professor Nobody Wants to Know,” Jaysen says.

  I get up to make my point. “Anyway. This land right here, where we are enjoying this orange, used to be called Seneca Village, a community founded by free working-class Blacks. Just picture it. Farmland owned by free Black folks. Alongside them were the Irish. That’s right. They lived peacefully. But guess what? All of a sudden, rich people wanted to build a nice park to chill in. They started calling Seneca Village a shantytown and those who rightfully bought the land squatters. You know what happened next?”

  “They were pushed out,” Eury says.

  “Why are you egging him on?” Jaysen complains. I ignore him.

  “Cops came in and forced them out. Violence. Can you imagine? It’s your home and someone decides it doesn’t matter. Wouldn’t you defend it?”

  “For someone who loves beauty, you sure love talking about war a lot,” Eury says.

  “Violence. Beauty. It’s all connected,” I say.

  “Y’all are boring.” Jaysen gets up. “C’mon, Penelope. I’ll buy you an overpriced soda. You guys want one?”

  Eury and I both shake our heads. Penelope and Jaysen leave.

  “What if it’s in our nature to crave blood?” she says. There’s a bright yellow wildflower by her. She plucks it.

  I was taught to always be ready to defend myself. I was also taught when to back the hell down. Maybe it’s a city thing. You are always playing defense, trying not to get beat or arrested or shot. Is it in my nature to want bloodshed? I hope not.

  “I believe in beauty and love because I see it every day,” I say. “I see it in the flower you are holding. In the orange I just ate. I see it right now.”

  We hold each other’s stares. Damn. I want to kiss her. I do. Does she feel the same way? I won’t. This is a conversation. And yet.

  And
yet.

  “I’m glad we came here,” she says.

  Clouds suddenly conceal the sun.

  “I hope it doesn’t rain,” I say as I look up.

  When I turn to face Eury, her whole demeanor changes. Eury looks at something or someone behind me, but when I follow her gaze there is no one there.

  “Eury? What’s wrong?”

  She doesn’t answer. Instead, Eury gets up and runs.

  CHAPTER 6

  Eury

  There is a sudden drop in the temperature. Clouds form above us. A raindrop lands softly on my hand. Then another. I shift my view. Ato stands across the way. In his hand, he holds a wildflower similar to the one I now clutch. My eyes are not playing tricks. Ato is right there. He’s found me.

  “Eury,” Ato says. He inches closer. I look down at his bare feet. The cowrie shell bracelet I gave him years ago still hangs around his slender ankle. His soles never touch the ground. Tremors overtake my body.

  “I’ve missed you,” Ato says. “It’s time.”

  He reaches out with his smooth hand, urging me to take it.

  “No! No!” I scream.

  I don’t know where I’m going. I just run. The rain comes down in torrents with flashes of lightning striking across the sky. My heart pounds uncontrollably.

  “Eury, wait!” Pheus yells.

  I won’t stop. I have to get away. I push back against the crowd of people trying to find shelter. I must hide. I see a building and head toward it.

  “Wait!”

  Pheus yanks my arm, pulling me away before cyclists and joggers trample over me.

  “Eury, what happened?” he asks. “What’s going on?”

  Tears sting my eyes. I keep looking back. I don’t see Ato anymore, but I sense he’s near. He’s waiting to take me. This park is too expansive. I must hide.

  “Please,” I say. “I have to get out of here.”

  Pheus grabs my hand, and we race across the park. The rain drenches us completely. He leads me toward the street. I stumble when my sneakers cause me to slip, but Pheus quickly helps me up.

  “Let’s go,” he says. We don’t wait for the light to change. Instead, Pheus charges into traffic. We are in a video game, dodging cars as they honk for us to get out of the way. We reach the building, a modern church befitting the neighborhood. The doors to the church are locked. Pheus’s breath is as out of control as mine. My hand still holds what is left of the flower.

  “Are you okay?” Pheus asks.

  I don’t know what to say. Do I tell him the truth? Pheus looks at me with such concern. I won’t bring this to him. I can’t do it.

  “I’m sorry. I’m afraid of thunder.” If I keep my eyes down, he won’t notice the lie.

  “It’s more than just thunder. You saw something. Someone.”

  Pheus tries to connect with me. I shake my head.

  “It was the thunder.”

  He pauses for a beat or two. I can’t look at him.

  “Okay. Let’s wait it out then,” he says. “The sun is peeking from between the clouds. The storm will be over soon. It will only be a matter of time.”

  Pheus pulls out a napkin from his pocket and hands it to me. I use the napkin to dry my face and catch the tears running down my cheeks.

  Ato is here. I don’t know what to do. I want to be safe more than anything. What if it’s not possible?

  “What can I do to help you feel better?” Pheus says. “You can talk to me.”

  His words are like punches. He sounds like Ato with his empty promises of taking care of me. Pheus is no knight on a white horse charging toward a dragon. He can’t help me.

  “Don’t worry about me,” I say with more anger than I intend.

  “Hey, Eury, hey.” He stands in front of me. I keep my eyes glued to my sneakers.

  “What’s going on?” Pheus says. “I don’t understand. Did I say something to upset you?”

  When you’ve walked around with a secret for so long, the weight of it eventually becomes manageable. You easily make room for it. The secret itself feels like a living organism you feed with more elaborate lies. No, it’s more like a tumor. Ato is my tumor and I don’t know how to eradicate him.

  This is selfish, to invite Pheus into my problems. I can’t lean on him or anyone. I just can’t.

  “I’m fine,” I say. “It was the thunder.”

  Pheus’s phone buzzes. It’s Penelope.

  “Don’t tell her what happened,” I say. The confusion on his face continues to grow. This favor seems small, but I am pitting him against my own blood. It’s not fair or right. I do it anyway.

  “No. We went for a walk. Where you guys at?” Pheus reassures Penelope. “I’ll call you right back. The connection here is not great.” He lowers his head. Now Pheus is complicit in my lie. Another layer of guilt to add to the many I carry.

  The smell of rain is replaced by his. The smell of beach, of a summery day. Pheus has long eyelashes. I return to when I first heard him sing. Even in the middle of the drama with Melaina, I felt it was only the two of us on the beach. We connected somehow. This doesn’t happen every day.

  “Can we stay here a little longer?” I can’t face Penelope. Although she loves me, Penelope will probably tell Titi what happened. She, in turn, will tell mom. Titi Sylvia will bring up seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist, even medication. I don’t want to go down that path. Mami says medication can cloud my brain. What if she’s right? I need to be alert whenever Ato reappears. I can’t afford to doubt what I see. Therapy and meds may work for others, but I’m scared that I might be an exception.

  “We can stay here all day. Time means nothing in the summer.” Pheus sits on the church steps. The rain is dwindling down.

  A man with a cart filled with children’s toys comes around the corner and joins us. The man dries the toys one by one. The umbrella attached to the cart was able to save most of his items. He, on the other hand, is worse off than us.

  Pheus digs into his pocket and pulls out his wallet. He offers the man money, and in return, the man gives him a rainbow-colored pinwheel.

  “One time when I was acting bratty, I wanted one of these. Pops didn’t have any money, so he said no. I threw myself on the floor, right there, smack-dab on the sidewalk,” Pheus says. “People had to walk around me. Pops waited until I had it out of my system. When I was done, he told me I was going to be in for a long, hard life if every time I didn’t get what I wanted, I dropped to the ground.”

  He spins the pinwheel. The emerging sun catches the vibrant colors.

  “What do you think? Maybe Pops should have just gotten me the damn pinwheel.”

  He hands me the pinwheel. I crave silliness now more than ever. If I told Pheus about Ato, how would he react? I can’t even tell Penelope the whole truth. Why would I confide in Pheus just because he is showing me kindness?

  It was my fault. I forgot to pray. Mami said I can calm my mind with prayers. I forgot to recite them while I ran. I need to add more prayers to my arsenal.

  Maybe it was the park itself. If the park was built on hate, perhaps Ato can feel the violence. I don’t know. I’m searching for any type of reason, for weapons I can use against an evil spirit. I’m ridiculous.

  “I’m not one to lie to my friends,” Pheus eventually says. “Especially Penelope.”

  “You’re right. I shouldn’t have asked you to. I’m sorry. There are things I’m still trying to make sense of. I don’t want my family to worry,” I say. “I do need help. This is true. I’m just not sure the way they’re going about getting me help is working.”

  Pheus rubs the back of his neck.

  “If you aren’t talking to Penelope or your mom, who are you talking to?” he asks. “There are things, for sure, I don’t tell my parents. But most of the time, I can talk to them about anything. And if not, I can turn to my friends. Who’s got your back, Eury, if you’re not allowing the people who love you the opportunity to help?”

  If only it were that simple.


  “Do you believe in God?” I ask.

  “My father believes there are spirits that guide you in this life and the next,” he says. “He does this mix of Catholicism and Santería and Buddhism. It’s whatever works for him. My mom doesn’t, although she grew up Baptist.”

  “And you?”

  “I don’t know. I think we got this life, so we better make the best of it,” he says. “But hey, if prayers or churches bring you peace, then do you. What do I know?”

  Pheus would never understand how Ato came to be. The only remedy I have is a belief that perhaps something out there will save me. Incantations to protect those I love. Prayers may be useless, but I have no other choice.

  “You don’t believe in spirits or ghosts. Demons?” I ask. Perhaps I feel braver standing with Pheus by this church. I am testing the water to see where Pheus’s truth lands.

  “No,” he says. “I only believe in what I see. In hard work.”

  He pauses.

  “Wait, what does that have to do with the thunder?”

  His response only proves my instincts are right. He would never understand.

  A woman dressed in a frumpy suit steps out of the rectory.

  “May I help you?” she asks with a stern face.

  “We’re taking a break from the rain,” Pheus says.

  “Mass starts at 4 p.m. today. Please come back then.”

  “Isn’t this church for the community?” Pheus says. “I’m part of the community.”

  The woman asks us to leave.

  “I guess people like us are only allowed to borrow snippets of this city,” Pheus says loudly. “It’s only on loan, even a church.”

  Penelope and Jaysen are across the street. My heart has slowed back to a normal rate. The sun shines brightly. Ato is nowhere to be found.

  “Thank you, Pheus,” I say. My hand still holds the pinwheel.

  “I got your back,” he says before Jaysen and Penelope reach us. “No matter what.”

  My smile feels foreign. When was the last time I actually felt happy? Happiness has been unattainable for so long. But it wasn’t always like this. Ato was my friend first. He was there when Papi left me. He stored my fears and secrets. I trusted him like Pheus right now is asking me to confide in him. But for Ato, friendship always meant possession.