We Will Heal These Wounds

by Nicole Thorn

  I found Juniper in the backyard, sitting on the porch, safe from potential rain. She had pulled her legs in against her chest, and her forehead rested on her knees. I heard her crying and nearly turned around and went to find Celeste. A neck snapping would have made this whole day much better, but I couldn’t do that. Juniper needed me, so I would stay.

  I sat beside her and pulled her onto my lap without a warning. She appeared startled, but didn’t say anything as I put her on me. I thought that she might feel embarrassed, and try to leave again. She was smart enough to realize I would only follow her. Juniper put her head on my shoulder, letting me cradle her.

  I needed her to give me some sign of life, so I tried making her smile. “Say the word, and I’ll go and kill her. Run her through with something pointy, and then string her up in the town square. Do we have a town square? I was promised a town square when I moved to America. It was supposed to be some of the charm.”

  She cracked a smile, and victory reigned again. She sniffled and said, “We don’t have a town square, you giant dork.”

  With a shrug, I added, “What about a town hall? I can work with that.”

  This laugh eased my chest. “Stop saying that. Is it like your catchphrase or something? What you say when you’re in denial.”

  “Why? Do you like it? Because if you do, I can work with that.”

  Juniper rolled her eyes, and wiped the last of her tears on her sleeve. “You’re a goofball.”

  “I accept that.” And because I needed to know, I risked upsetting her again, but I knew I could fix it after. “You need to tell me what she said to you, so I can decide if she lives or not.”

  She sat up a little straighter on me, no longer resting her head. She ran her fingers through her hair, and put my hand on her lap. I watched her do nothing more than run her fingers along my skin. “Bad things,” she said. “But they were all true.”

  “No,” I said immediately. “They were unkind things from an unkind person, wanting to make herself feel better by cutting someone else down. Anything she said to you was a cruel lie.”

  Juniper told me what Celeste said, trying to convince me that it hadn’t been lies. Juniper really believed that she was nothing special, and that she wasn’t the most gorgeous creature that walked this earth. With everything she told me, I had to smother the anger it brought so that I could take care of her. I needed to be a man good enough for her. Juniper had gotten so little of what she deserved out of life, and I refused to be one more thing that let her down.

  When she finished talking, I had to attempt to make her believe what I said. You could say a billion kind things to a girl who hated herself, and she wouldn’t believe them. It only took one unkind word to break her all over again. She would believe it, and she would believe it fast. I had two decades of hurt to heal, and I didn’t know where to start.

  “Juniper,” I started. “I could literally go on for ages about how beautiful you are, and I think you know that. I could tell you that Celeste didn’t know what she was talking about, but you wouldn’t believe me. I know that not much I can say will make you feel better, but I know someone that can.”

  I took her off of the ground, and she stood on her own. She let me take her hand and walk her over to my house, where we would find my mother. The queen of all mothers, really. I knew what would happen the moment she saw Juniper, because my mother never disappointed.

  We walked into the house, and I heard the kettle whistle. Mum rushed quickly down the stairs, not noticing us as she hurried into the kitchen. She yelled at the kettle, telling it to shut up and that she knew what she was doing. I smiled, bringing Juniper into the kitchen.

  “You all right?” I asked Mum as she looked for her special teacup.

  She got it and grinned. “Fine, dear.” Then she turned, and her eyes landed on Juniper. The woman lit up grandly, and put her cup down to gasp. “Oh! You look so pretty, luv.”

  Juniper pulled at her clothes, chewing on her lip. “Thank you . . . ” she muttered.

  Mum put her hands on Juniper’s arms, not nearly finished. I stepped aside to let Juniper experience what mother did for the first time in her life. “Goodness, I’ve never seen you in a dress before. So gorgeous. That color makes your skin look so soft and smooth, darling. Like porcelain. Oh, I wish I had skin like yours.” Her hand cupped Juniper’s cheek, and her smile widened. “Your eyes pop as well, and I can’t tell you how much I love the different colors . . . ”

  Mum went on and on, and I started pouring tea for everyone, letting Juniper hear the least biased person in the world tell her the truth about herself. I knew it would make Juniper uncomfortable, but she needed it. You couldn’t change or grow without feeling uncomfortable sometimes.

  I set out the three cups on the counter as Mum wound down. Juniper’s eyes turned glassy, and she smiled. “Thank you, Gwen. That’s very nice of you to say.”

  Mum smiled again, patting her cheek. “Oh, you and Verin are going to make such pretty babies.”

  Juniper didn’t correct her. She just nodded and thanked Mum again.

  The three of us sat at the counter, and drank our tea while Mum chatted with Juniper. With a little fawning sprinkled in now and then, she mostly asked Juniper how she’d been, and what she planned on doing later. Nothing heavy or sad.

  “Oh!” Mum said. “I should make all of you dinner tomorrow night,” she decided. “Your siblings and your partners. We can eat here, and I’ll make something for everyone.” She hopped out of her seat and clapped her hands together. “It’ll be so much fun. Juniper, what do you like for dessert? I’ll make you something special.”

  “Oh, no thank you,” Juniper said. “You don’t have to go to any trouble.”

  Mum laughed. “What are you talking about, dear? You’re no trouble.”

  “But you’d have to go out and get stuff. I don’t want to put you out.”

  Mum held the same look on her face; one of doubt and confusion. “Why on earth would you think you were putting me out? You are family now, luv. Nothing I do for you is putting me out and I’m happy to do it. Now tell me what dessert to make you or I’ll have to guess.”

  Juniper’s nose twitched, and she looked at me for help. I gave her none, sipping my tea and leaving her out to sink or swim. I couldn’t hold her hand for all of it.

  “Um . . . how about chocolate cake?” Everything about it sounded unsure.

  Mum jumped up once, excitement dripping from her soul. “Perfect! I’ll see you both later. I’ll be back in a few hours.” She kissed my cheek first, and then Juniper’s. With one more compliment to Juniper, Mum left the house happily.

  We finished our drinks, and I put them in the sink for me to clean later. Juniper still pulled at her clothes when I turned back, but she appeared less distraught than she had been before. She straightened out, and placed her hands on her lap.

  “Feeling better?” I asked.

  She sighed, tapping her fingers on her leg. “She was very nice.”

  “She was, and everything she said was true. You look stunning. Though . . . you always look stunning, so . . . there.”

  I stood by her side, twirling her hair in my fingers. She smirked just a little, and I liked to believe that she felt a little smug that she had me completely and utterly wrapped around her finger.

  I walked behind her, and moved her hair all to one side, pushing it over her shoulder. This sadness came about because she didn’t think herself beautiful, and I to fix that the only way I knew how.

  My fingers started at her shoulders, slowly caressing her as they slid down her arms. I put my lips under Juniper’s ear, and I left a kiss every inch down to her shoulder. “I believe you owe me, luv,” I said into her ear.

  “I owe you?” she asked, her eyes fluttering closed.

  “Mmm-hmm.” When my hands reached the crook of her elbow, I slid them back and found her waist. My fingers pushed in, feeling a body I really needed under mine. “My room is spotless.”

&
nbsp; “Is it?” Juniper tilted her head to the side, clearly inviting me to go on. Her heart had started racing, and it matched mine. She seemed to miss how my hands trembled at her sides. I felt so completely human.

  “Perfect,” I said against her skin.

  Her nails tapped on the counter . . . and she took off, ripping my hands from her sides and bolting from the kitchen. Oh, so she wanted to play with me. I could work with that.

  I started running, not holding back, needing to catch her this time. She had gotten about halfway up the stairs when I grabbed her. “Oh!” she shouted when I picked her up by the waist. She giggled when I tossed her up and caught her, only to throw her over my shoulder for the rest of the walk.

  I threw open my bedroom door and tossed Juniper onto my bed. She bounced, her skirt moving up on her thighs when she landed. She didn’t even bother looking around the room for proof if I’d been lying. I hadn’t, because I spent hours making sure my room had been perfectly clean to her standards. From wall to ceiling, I vacuumed, scrubbed, and dusted until it had no trace of dirt or clutter. I earned my present.

  Juniper held herself up on her elbows, watching me as I grinned madly and pulled my boots off. I threw them aside, and pounced on the giggling girl.

  She’d kissed me first, so that meant everything would be fair game now. But I didn’t have to kiss her first this time, because we met in the middle. The world melted when she pulled my lip with her teeth. Ah, daring. Finally.

  I heard Juniper’s shoes hit my floor when she kicked them off, and then she settled under me. Her legs parted, allowing me to rock my hips against hers. Her hands tightened on my shoulders as her leg hooked around me.

  I couldn’t stand the teasing of her teeth on my lips anymore, and I had to taste her again. It had been too long, and I would never get enough. Juniper’s hand held my face, and her hips moved against mine in a harsh motion when my tongue slipped across hers.

  When she pushed at my shoulder, I thought she wanted to stop. My heart sank, but I moved onto my back, separating our bodies. I had less than a second before she straddled me, tugging at the bottom of my shirt. I sat up and let her pull it over my head to toss it onto the floor. For one moment, she did nothing but look at me as her hands traveled down my chest. With a grand smile, she shoved me onto my back.

  I pulled her skirt up to her hips as she ground her pelvis against mine. She made a little moaning sound against my mouth when I must have rubbed her in the right place. The kiss became rougher, and she rubbed herself against me with more aggression. Or maybe eagerness; I didn’t know.

  Pushing my luck, I allowed my hands to wander up her thighs, finding the spot between them that would make her say my name in the way I needed her too. One hand held her hip steady, and the other dipped under her clothes until they found her soft flesh.

  Juniper gasped, ending our kiss. I didn’t wait to find out if she wanted me to stop, because I didn’t believe she did. She would mess around or wait to tell me if I did something wrong. If I crossed the line, she would have let me know.

  She said nothing.

  Because I knew this was a fragile thing, I didn’t push it much further for her. I didn’t want this to turn into something sad, making her feel worse about herself, or that I only wanted her for this. I needed to walk that line of being careful and letting her learn to adapt.

  I stopped, and turned her onto her back. Juniper cuddled against me and the pillows, with a little smile on her face. She didn’t hit me or say a word, and I felt content to lie at her side until she wanted me gone.

  ***

  Juniper seemed well when I brought her back home. She let me make her something to eat and spend a little time with her before I left. We didn’t talk about what happened even once, so I assumed she felt a little mixed about it.

  When I stepped into my house, I felt over the moon. Juniper would take maybe days away from giving in and letting me love her, and the house smelled like chocolate.

  “Mum?” I called. “Do you want me to make you dinner?”

  She didn’t answer me, so I wandered into the kitchen. I figured she had gone upstairs and couldn’t hear me. I’d give her a couple minutes before I went to ask her. She could’ve been showering after all.

  I found the cake on the counter, sitting completely finished under a glass dome. She’d gone all out with it, making little designs with white and milk chocolate, and adding little roses made from frosting. It smelled amazing when I lifted the glass and lowered my face. I hoped Juniper would let herself have some of it. Mum would be so sad if she didn’t.

  “Mum?” I called again. No answer. Perhaps she had taken a nap.

  I left the kitchen and started up the stairs. I hummed to myself, thinking about Juniper and the lovely day we had. I would never forget how awful she’d felt because of that monster, but I could try and make it better for her as the days went on. She went to all that trouble to dress up and be different, and she looked perfect. Mum had been right about how the colors made her skin look, and how flattering a dress had been on her. I hoped that she would wear more, but if she chose not to, I wouldn’t let it make me too sad. It would be a slow process for her.

  I started thinking about our future, and how we would spend it. I gave no weight to that silly prophecy or what it said. No one would die with me there to protect them, and I would find a way to keep Juniper. I refused to lose her, or to let Zander and Kizzy lose their people. They didn’t live through hell just to do it again.

  I got up to the hallway, and something felt wrong in my chest. Almost painful, and it made me lose my breath. I gasped, putting my hand over my heart. The beats felt all off, coming slowly. Oh so slowly, as if my heart tried to stop.

  Dark, dark, dark. I felt a swell of hollowness, ever growing in my center. It felt like death.

  I stopped moving, holding myself up with the wall. “Mum?” I called out, gasping. “I can’t breathe . . . ”

  Why didn’t she come for me? She should have woken up if she had been napping, and I didn’t hear the shower running. Her car sat in the driveway, so she had to be home. The cake had been made. Shopping sacks had been on the counter.

  Another gasp came as the darkness settled in me, telling me that death lurked nearby. Something had gone from the world. I’d felt it before; any time I’d been near something dead. But nothing could be dead in this house.

  I struggled to move, trying to get to Mum’s bedroom. I needed her to tell me that everything was fine, and that I just needed to breathe.

  Her door had been cracked open, and I pushed it further. I saw her instantly, lying on her bed. The wave of darkness hit me again, and I nearly fell over. She napped. Eyes closed, laying on her bed. But she should have heard me. She would have heard me calling her.

  Why did she have on her clothes? She liked sleeping in her nightie, even for naps. She said trousers felt too uncomfortable, and she wouldn’t be sleeping in them. So why? Why did she sleep in them, and why did she lie so still?

  “Mum . . . ” I said again, without breath. My voice cracked. Why would my voice crack? Why did my eyes sting, and why did this thing in my chest sink me, wanting to drag me down?

  Why is she so still?

  I walked forward, staggering as I went, and calling her name with this voice I didn’t know. I didn’t know why my cheeks had tears on them, and I didn’t know why she laid so fucking still.

  I fell to my knees beside her bed, and my hands went to her arm. She felt warm. Warm, and soft like she always had. I remembered hundreds of nights when I had been a boy, and when I would run to her, and she would hold me in her soft arms. So full of life all the time. Eyes bright, chest pumping with excitement. Life pouring from every inch of her soul.

  “Why aren’t you moving?” I asked, my voice gone now.

  No. No. No.

  No.

  She’s warm. Mum is warm, and she’s all right. I scream her name, and she doesn’t move. She has to move. She always comes when I call her
name. She wouldn’t leave me like this. She was always here, whenever I called for her. She promised that she would always be here when I call for her. Today is no different.

  “Wake up,” I tell her. “Mum, you have to wake up. I have to tell you about Juniper. I made her dinner, and she even held my hand when we were in the kitchen.” I smile thinking about it, because Mum will be so happy to hear it. She loves Juniper, and she’s so excited about the babies we would make. She even told me what she thought about a wedding. I never thought I would get married, but I can see it with Juniper. I can see us making a home, and having children, and her being happy. I see it, and it will be mine.

  But Mum is so still, and no matter how much I shake her, she doesn’t move. Her eyes don’t open, and I feel it. I feel it in my chest, and it’s telling me why.

  No. I promised Dad I would keep her safe. She has so much time left, and this isn’t real. It’s not real, because I was talking with her only a few hours ago. I can feel it on my cheek where she’d kissed me. It’s not real, because we have plans. For now, and for later. She’s making us all dinner tomorrow night, so this isn’t real. She needs to meet my children, so this isn’t real. I need her, so this cannot be real. She’s my mother . . .

  And this is real.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE:

  Hold Me

  Juniper

  Jasmine waved at me as Zander brought her into the house. She rode piggyback on him, her arms draped over his shoulders, and her chin resting against one of his shoulders. I thought they would keep going, but Jasmine suddenly popped off Zander, leaving him to stagger forward, and whipped around to look at me. I looked back at her, serenely as could be.

  She blinked. “You’re . . . You’re . . . ”

  I sipped my tea and dropped my eyes. Although Verin made me feel better about the dress, I still didn’t think this had been a good idea. It could’ve been worse, I supposed. It could’ve made me look worse. I definitely shouldn’t have taken any of Celeste’s opinions seriously . . . and yet. Those words still cycled through my head. She hadn’t needed to be mean to me, and maybe she didn’t think she had been mean. None of that changed the fact that her words shouldn’t have mattered.