Getting Preggas

by Charmaine Ross

  We were starving, but not for food. We missed the intimacy that making love brought to our relationship. It was like we were separating, falling apart, losing our ‘togetherness’. We acted the same, came home from work, cooked dinner, watched TV at night, but it wasn’t the same. We didn’t sit next to each other. We slept on the extremities of the bed, trying not to touch each other. Andy lasted until the day before our booking at The Tavern.

  That was when he dashed my plans to get pregnant.

  I woke up to a hand fumbling beneath the bed covers. I tried to flick it off but it only became more persistent. ‘Andy, stop this now,’ I hissed.

  ‘There’s only one more day left. We’ve waited long enough. It won’t make any difference if it’s now or tomorrow.’

  ‘Oh yes, it will.’ But my insides started going warm and liquidy with each passing second he kept his hand on my breast. With a superhuman effort I pushed his hand away and stumbled out of bed.

  Andy reached out for me, his hand patting the space where I had been. He sighed under the bedcovers. ‘Sara, do you think this Dr Breakduke is actually helping us by making us completely desperate. Are you sure abstinence is the answer?’ he pleaded.

  ‘He’s helped thousands of couples fall pregnant. This is going to be special for us. It will be so romantic there. I promise we’ll have all weekend to make our baby and it will be wonderful to look back and know that we created a life on our special weekend.’ I sat back down on the bed and placed my hand over his. ‘We’ll get pregnant there, I just know we will. I can feel it in my bones. If we do it now, we might just mess everything up. I don’t think I could take it if we had to go through all this a second time.’

  Andy threw the bedcovers over the edge of the bed. I could see he wasn’t going to listen to me. There was a gleam in his eyes and meaning in his pants. He started to climb over my side of the bed. He looked like he was nearing the edge of sexual insanity.

  ‘You need to take your mind off sex,’ I tried to reason with him.

  ‘You bet I do.’ He said as he grabbed me in his arms and started nibbling the side of my neck. His hand circled my waist and drew me near. My heart started to race and jump wildly. I could feel myself responding to his touch. ‘Just give me two minutes.’ He said as he shoved his pants to the floor and kicked them to the top of the dresser.

  I pulled his hand off my breast that felt like it had been stuck on with araldite. I did up the top button of my flannelette pajama top as fast as my trembling fingers could pull the button through.

  ‘Andy, you cannot find me in the least attractive in these pajamas.’ I said pointing to the black and white cows mooing on a screaming bright magenta background. They had been the most repugnant I could find.

  ‘Mmmm. But I know what’s underneath them.’ He reached out to flick the top button open again.

  I swiped at his hand. ‘Don’t,’ I warned. ‘You know what this weekend means to me. Can’t you just keep it in your pants for one more day?’

  Andy gazed at me, his eyes silently pleaded with me. He would have done a puppy proud. I felt sorry for him looking so forlorn standing in the middle of the room naked and bristling with sexual desire.

  ‘OK. I’ll help you out.’ He grinned from ear to ear and started to crush me in a bear hug. ‘But not like this.’

  He stopped crushing me. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Look, the kitchen sink is leaking and making a mess in the cabinet underneath. It needs to be fixed before we leave. Can you take a look at it?’ I asked.

  ‘What’s that got to do with you and me and doing the horizontal lambada?’ Andy started to gyrate imitating the ‘horizontal lambada’, swiveling his hips and waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

  ‘Nothing,’ I replied, stilling his rotating hips. ‘But it will help you get your mind off the big S-E-X.’ I didn’t want to say the word out aloud for fear he might lose it.

  He groaned and flung his arms up into the air. ‘I give up. But only because we’re going to this ‘Tavern’ place tomorrow night.’ He strode out of the door, naked as the day he was born.

  ‘Aren’t you going to put some clothes on?’ I called.

  ‘I need to cool down.’

  I nibbled my lip. I guess that was just as well. I had heard that men’s paraphernalia needed to be cool to produce. I considered hiding all of his clothing, but then better judgement had me thinking he might take that as a sign so I laid his pants on the bed and started to pack my bag.

  I was just folding my little black lacy things Andy loved when there was an agonizing scream and a crash that had me sprinting out of the door. I almost tripped on the cat as it zipped through the doorway to take cover beneath the bed.

  I ran into the kitchen, heart pumping a way out of my chest to see Andy’s legs sticking out of the cupboard beneath the sink, clutching his nether-regions, his face contorted and scarlet, tears streaming down his face.

  I knelt beside him, hands fluttering over his writhing form, ‘What’s the matter? What happened?’

  ‘Call an ambulance,’ he said through clenched teeth.

  ‘Andy … can you just tell me what happened. I couldn’t see any damage, no blood, certainly no broken bones. ‘Why the hell are you thrashing around like that?’

  He panted for a moment, ‘That … that bloody cat … that’s what!’

  Fluffy had made a re-appearance from the bedroom and was cleaning his ears with a soft paw.

  ‘What about the cat?’

  ‘I’m going to kill it. Do you hear me you little fur ball? I’m going to take you to the vet and I’m going to … to …’ he panted, even more breathless.

  ‘Andy, if you don’t calm down, you’re going to have a heart attack and that won’t be good for conception.’

  He started to crawl to the cat. That’s when I saw four long, deep, red scratch marks on the underside of Andy’s manly bits. I could see my weekend going down the drain. My esteemed state of pregnancy being null and void because of serious injury. The cat started to purr. That’s when I dove over Andy and launched myself at Fluffy. It slipped from between my clenched fingers and ran for its life out of the cat door.

  I had to get Andy to the doctors. Cat claws had all sorts of germs and I needed Andy checked out. I pushed him into the bedroom and man-handled the pants onto his foot. He groaned but I’d have none of that. I had to get him to the doctors toot sweet.

  ‘What the hell happened? How did that cat do … that … to you?’

  ‘The leak was right at the back of the cupboard.’

  ‘So?’ I reached for a T-shirt and shucked it over his head and handed him a pair of loose pants.

  ‘I had to bend over. That’s when I was attacked. I’m gunna get that cat if it’s the last thing I do.’

  I stared at him for a moment before meaning caught up with his words. I guess those little dangly things was too much temptation for the cat and Fluffy liked his cat toys. A lot. I guess seeing them swaying as they were, was too much of a temptation and he’d tested his new toy out — with extended claws.

  My thoughts turned to concern. Not so much for him. More concern for me and my plans for conceiving the following night. What if he couldn’t use what God gave him? That would just do me no good at all. I raced for my handbag and the car keys, ushering him out of the door.

  I bought a hemorrhoid cushion and placed it on the chair at the doctor’s surgery. Andy shifted gingerly in his cushion next to me. ‘Don’t move.’ I hissed. ‘You might do more damage, and then where would we be? A weekend at The Tavern, the perfect setting to create a new life, I might add, and we might not be able to take advantage of it. If only you had been able to control yourself this morning. I’m ovulating at that exact date. It’s the prime time for us to conceive. I’ve already bought the pregnancy test. Actually five different pregnancy tests. I had one shipped from France. Don’t look at me like that. It was worth the money. It’s meant to be the best on the market!’

  ‘Control
myself?’ Andy exploded. A woman breastfeeding her baby looked up and I quickly shushed him. ‘If you hadn’t asked me to do the plumbing, of all things,’ Andy’s whispered fiercely, ‘we might not actually be here, and you might actually be in that higher state of blissful pregnancy you’ve been obsessed about! Did you think of that?’

  ‘Yeah, and what a memory that would be! I can imagine telling our little lovely that the day I become pregnant, dad couldn’t hold out any longer, I hadn’t washed my hair for a week and my pajamas were so worn they would have walked themselves to the laundry basket. In case you didn’t notice, I wasn’t feeling very sexy this morning. Couldn’t you have waited for one more day?’

  Andy groaned, ‘One day is such a long time.’

  ‘One day means that we might have three of us on this romantic weekend — just you, me and the hemorrhoid cushion.’

  I was near tears when the nurse came to collect us. I walked briskly after her, Andy limping down the hallway holding the crotch of his pants down with one hand and the cushion in the other behind us.

  We arrived at The Tavern early the next morning. Andy was still adjusting the crotch of his jeans, although he had left the hemorrhoid cushion at home. Dr Braeduke had examined Andy and given us the go ahead for our interlude. The angry red scratches had subsided with the help of a cream he had given us, and no infection had set in.

  Thank God for little things — really.

  We turned from Sherbrooke Road into the winding asphalted driveway of The Tavern. Tall stately beech trees lined either side of the road and stood like sentinels watching our approach. Dappled sunlight filtered through the leaves onto the road. The driveway curved around a large, carefully manicured central lawn and led to the covered front entrance of the hotel. The Tavern stood regally, nestled between blossoming rhododendron trees, hydrangeas, maples and golden elms that had grown as taller than the three-story building. Two large polished brown oak doors stood open offering a stately welcome. It looked just like the brochure; my white savior, a promise of the life that we would create together tonight.

  That’s if Andy’s paraphernalia was up to it. Fluffy hadn’t appeared all evening. Not even at dinner time. I think it was picking up on my not-happy vibes and was tactfully keeping clear.

  Andy drove the car under the carport. Two uniformed concierges walked over to either side of the car and opened the doors for us. The pampering could now begin, I thought, relaxing into the smiles of the staff.

  ‘Welcome to The Tavern, madam, sir.’

  One of the concierges nodded and smiled at Andy. ‘Can we bring your bags in for you? We’ll just take your keys and park the car. Your bags will be waiting in your room once you check in. We’ll also send up some of our exclusive house champagne and fruit basket for you to enjoy.’

  I turned to hold Andy’s hand and noticed a gathering in the front gardens. ‘Is that a wedding?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes, madam. We often have garden weddings here. It’s the perfect place for them.’

  I certainly couldn’t imagine a more perfect place for a wedding. The guests stood in a cluster under a massive oak that must have been a hundred years old.

  ‘So beautiful,’ I murmured.

  Our wedding day had been gloriously sunny, which had matched our moods perfectly. Andy had been nervously waiting at the altar even though I wasn’t sure if he’d be there. He smiled brilliantly when he saw me. Tears had welled in my eyes, blurring out the crowd who turned in their seats when I arrived at the front door. It seemed to me there was no one else in the church, except the two of us on that day.

  Our wedding had been full of hope and promise.

  The wedding crowd parted, letting through the newly wed bride and groom looking very much in love. They were holding hands, gazing into each other’s eyes, radiating happiness. I sighed, enjoying watching them for a moment.

  A stray breeze caught the brides dress so that it flowed about her body like a silky white canvas sail. Then I saw it. Her baby bump! I felt my jaw muscle tightening, bringing on a lightening headache. Why was she lucky enough to be starting her wedded life with such bliss and I had been sterile for years! It wasn’t fair.

  Tears threatened to burst. The ground tilted and the sun didn’t feel warm anymore. My stomach clenched, threatening to bring up breakfast. I grabbed Andy’s hand, ignoring his limping gait and hastened into the reception area.

  ‘What’s the hurry? Sara?’

  ‘I don’t feel well,’ I gasped.

  The receptionist dropped her welcoming smile when she saw me rushing through the doors. I was ushered into a nearby chair, and a glass of cool refreshing water thrust into my hand. I took a sip and noticed I was shaking.

  It was shock, pure and simple. And jealousy, a green, dark, murky kind I have never felt before. It was powerful and frightening.

  ‘I’ll be alright,’ I said, when I could draw breath again. ‘Maybe if we could go straight to our room. I think I just need to rest …’

  I lay on the bed. I couldn’t stop thinking about HER. The white robed devil, happily chatting to her guests on the front lawn. I hoped I would not see her for the duration of my stay here. I could imagine her feeling the new little life swishing around inside her belly. Warm and safe in its sack of amniotic fluid.

  Images of our friends’ children flittered through my mind. Babies, toddlers and pregnant bellies bounced around and hit every angle from the inside. They were all laughing and smiling and having so much fun. I could see them running and snuggling into their mother’s waiting arms. I turned onto my side and thumped the pillow, choking back the heated tears that threatened to spill and ruin the romantic day ahead of us.

  Why, why, why did a pregnant bride have to be the first thing I saw?!

  ‘Sara, you need to relax,’ Andy said, bursting through my thoughts as he sat next to me on the bed. I could feel the soft mattress sinking beneath his weight.

  ‘Did you see the beautiful bunch of roses on the table? They’re your favorite colour.’

  But I couldn’t feel any delight in them. I just wanted to hit something. Anything. ‘They are not.’ I replied, sulking.

  ‘Red roses? I thought you loved them.’

  ‘I do, but they are not the right red roses. They should be ‘Mister Lincoln.’ They’re the only red roses that have a perfume. Those roses are just imposters. They are not the real thing.’ Like the ‘virginal bride’ down below, I scoffed to myself.

  ‘Listen, you’ve been planning this weekend for four weeks now. Let’s enjoy this place and take a look around. It might make you feel better. Less … stressed. This is our special weekend after all. We may was well take advantage of being here.’

  He had a point. I paused, looked at him and nodded.

  ‘Why don’t we start by looking at the gardens?’ he asked.

  I grabbed his hand as he made for the beautifully carved oak door with an art deco floral design in the center. ‘Can we start with the back?’ I said and dragged him through the sliding glass door that opened onto our own private balcony and away from the wedding.

  We strolled through the gardens on perfectly manicured lawns. I heard other guests playing tennis on the in-house courts, the solid thwack of the ball echoing around enormous, one hundred year old trees. The branches of a Cascading Celtic tree arched to the ground. We walked past a Japanese maple, its small leaves rustling in a slight breeze.

  I took special care to avoid the bridal party and after a while lost myself in the natural beauty that surrounded us. We arrived back at our room an hour later. Andy was right. I did feel better. In fact, I felt more positive than I had in a long time.

  Andy rubbed my arm. ‘Why don’t you have a nice relaxing spa and leave dinner for me to arrange. Just go and lose yourself in those fragrant bath salts I saw you looking at before.’

  I sighed, my body feeling that first touch of tranquility at the thought of that spa. ‘That would be absolutely amazing.’

  I immersed myself to my
chin in white frothy gardenia-scented bubbles. The bath was big enough for four people and I luxuriated in the space. Steam misted the mirrors. I sunk lower into the warm water and lay back against the head-rest built into the bath. I raised my arm, watching the bubbles slide down my arm. I blew them and sent a large blob over the rim of the bath and onto the floor.

  I gazed out of the window. The view was breathtaking. The manicured lawns ran to a line of square shrubs into which the entrance to a pathway had been cut. The slope behind the shrubs was quite steep but I could see a large man-made lake through tall, arrow-like white gums that dotted the hillside. I just made out little white blobs on the water. They must be the swans I had seen in the photograph from the magazine article.

  I could hear Andy making dinner reservations in the hotel’s own ballroom. His deep voice resonated into the bathroom. I opened my eyes, and found Andy sitting on the edge of the tub.

  ‘All set. There’s nothing for you to worry about. I’ve ordered a veritable five star feast for us that will be brought and served on large silver platters by tail-coated waiters. They assure me the chef is one of the best, hand-picked and brought out from Jamie what’s-his-name’s restaurant in London.’

  ‘Sounds decadent.’

  ‘Very.’

  ‘Much like this bath.’

  ‘Mmmmm. Room for one more?’

  ‘I think I could find the space.’ I blew some bubbles in his direction. His eyes lit up. ‘Only this bath is for bathing only.’

  ‘What are we waiting for now?’ Andy protested.

  ‘The Perfect Evening. I want the perfect food, the perfect dancing, the perfect wine. I want to be romanced. I want to remember this evening as the Perfect Event where we created our first child.’

  Andy shook his head, ‘Okay. I’m not going to argue because you’ve been such a stress head. Besides, I’m looking forward to the dessert.’

  ‘Ooo. What are we having?’

  ‘You.’ His eyes glinted. I almost gave in when a shimmery shiver of delight tiptoed up my spine, but I had been resolute so far. A couple more hours wouldn’t harm what we’d strived for. He playfully splashed some bubbles onto my nose before leaving the bathroom.