Light in the Shadows

by A. Meredith Walters

  “I wish I could tell you what to do, but Clay that’s a decision you have to make for yourself. Only you can decide where you need to be,” I said, sounding way wiser than I actually was.

  Clay’s lip quirked into a half smile. “Wow, when did you get so deep?” he joked. I laughed.

  “You have no idea how deep I’ve become,” I teased back, though wished I had thought better of my words when I saw Clay’s face fall.

  “No, I guess I don’t know much about you anymore.” He sounded so sad and I hated it. I grabbed his hand and held it between mine. My thumb rubbed his skin in purposeful circles.

  “There is no one that knows me better,” I said firmly, needing him to believe that. As though he couldn’t help himself, Clay dropped his head to my shoulder and pressed his nose into my hair.

  My heart began to beat wildly in my chest but there was nothing sexual in this. It was just two people who loved each other, trying to make some sense in a world where there was none.

  I felt the wetness of his tears on my neck as he moved his face further into my hair. I lifted my arm and wrapped it around his back. His body shook with silent sobs and I just held him. Like I had done a thousand times before.

  We didn’t say anything else. We really didn’t need to. But after a while I realized it was growing late as the shadows deepened in the room. The light fought to chase them away and it was like watching a struggle as one tried to overtake the other.

  “I think we should go downstairs,” I said softly, rubbing the back of his head, letting his hair slide between my fingers, perhaps for the last time.

  Clay reluctantly sat up and rubbed at his face with his hands. “Thank you, Maggie. You’re always here to save me, aren’t you?” He touched my face, his eyes dropping to my mouth as if by compulsion. I wondered briefly if he would try and kiss me. And if he did, would I let him?

  Turns out I didn’t have to think about that too much, because without another word, Clay got to his feet and left the room. I sat there, not sure what to do. After sharing such an intense moment together, it felt strange to go. But Clay leaving me alone spoke volumes.

  I turned off the light and closed the bedroom door behind me. Going down the stairs I finally saw Ruby. She was talking to Lisa’s sister and I recognized Tilly from the shop. The same Tilly that had openly lusted after Clay; who I noticed was once again missing in action.

  So I used the time to pay Ruby my respects. She hugged me tightly and thanked me for coming. I ignored Tilly. So, maybe that was rude, but I never liked the girl. And I didn’t want to think about her being here to comfort Clay. It made me want to bring the claws out and make her my bitch.

  I returned to Rachel and Daniel who asked me where I had disappeared to. “I was around.” No sense in trying to come up with a lie, they’d see through it anyway. We got our things and left. And even though I looked for him, I didn’t see Clay again.

  Chapter Thirteen

  -Clay-

  I had made the decision to stay in Davidson. After the get together was over and I had cleaned up the mess, I had sat with Ruby for a long while. She was going through picture albums, stopping periodically to cry. It killed me to see her like this and I knew then I couldn’t leave her. She had never left me and I was determined to return the favor.

  Okay, so part of me was motivated by something else as well. And that something was more like a someone with brown hair and beautiful eyes.

  I had been ill prepared to see Maggie again. Even though I thought I was ready. Lord knows I had imagined it enough times. But still coming face to face with her had thrown me.

  And then there was that moment up in my bedroom. Finding her there had given me instant déjà vu. I felt like I had been sucked into a time warp, as I had walked up the steps to find the door to my room wide open. She was sitting on my bed, as though she were waiting for me. Like she had done so many times before.

  And it was easy to get pulled back into that pattern of letting her take care of me. For a moment, we had drifted back into our old roles. Me the broken one and Maggie, the girl piecing me back together.

  But that was beyond screwed up. I was trying really hard to get rid of the person that I was. But being around Maggie made it hard to leave him in my past. And as fucked up as it was, I realized I missed the old Clay. Because the old Clay belonged with Maggie. The Clay that I was now didn’t seem to belong anywhere.

  I hadn’t told Ruby my plans yet, I was still marinating over the complete upheaval it would create in my world. The first three days back in Davidson had been spent with total, overwhelming anxiety. I had wanted to run, to get my ass back to Grayson. But here I was, Saturday night, knowing deep in my bones that I wouldn’t be going anywhere.

  Dr. Todd would not be happy. He had warned me that coming back to a place that carried so much baggage would be opening myself up to old wounds. I was supposed to be prepared for this. Hadn’t that been what I’d spent the last three months doing? But the pull I felt in Davidson, Virginia was too strong to resist.

  Plus, it was my life. I could do with it what I wanted. Okay, even I recognized how counterproductive that statement was, but I was feeling testy and defensive. And I knew I’d be letting people down back in Florida. But the people that mattered the most were right here, and that’s what was important.

  After Ruby went to bed, I spent a long time sitting up, going through the same photo albums. I propped my feet up on the coffee table and accidentally knocked over Lisa’s coffee mug. It fell to the hard wood floor and broke into pieces.

  Shit! I leaned down and picked up the mess. Then, on an impulse, I picked up Lisa’s glasses, gathered her slippers that still lay where she had kicked them off beside the couch. I grabbed her grey sweater that lay over the back of the chair and took them into the kitchen. I was suddenly very, very angry.

  I found a black trash bag and dumped the painful reminders inside. I tied it shut and dropped it at the foot of the stairs. When I was done, I stood there, bracing myself against the wall, breathing quickly.

  Now that my spurt of anger had disappeared, I realized Ruby would have my head for messing with Lisa’s stuff like that. But I just couldn’t handle sitting around while her shit lay about like she would walk through the door at any moment.

  Like today was just any other day and not the day we had put her in the ground. It wasn’t right. And I was sick and tired of living in a delusion. Sure life was tough to deal with and some days it took everything in me to even put my feet on the floor. But that was better than living a lie, with the unrealistic expectations that would never be realized.

  I picked up the bag and quietly took it up stairs. I opened up the door to Ruby’s bedroom. She was finally asleep, curled under a blanket. Trying to be as silent as possible, I opened the bag and took out Lisa’s stuff. I gently laid them out on the dresser just inside the entry way.

  When I was done, I took a final look at Ruby, who hadn’t moved, and closed the door behind me. Standing in the hallway, I made another decision. I strode across the floorboards and flung my bedroom door open, wincing when it hit the wall with a bang.

  I turned on the light and went inside. I could still see the indentation on the bedspread from where Maggie was sitting earlier. Looking around, I wondered why I had been so scared to come in here.

  It was just a room, like any other. Only this one seemed to whisper with a hundred memories. Some I wanted to remember, others I didn’t. But whatever, this was my room and I had to start learning to exorcise the ghosts of my past. There was no way I could move forward, in whatever direction my future decided to take me, unless I faced things.

  I was sick and tired of being a weak coward. And staying in this room, even if it seemed a small thing to do, was a start.

  I went downstairs and turned off the lights, then grabbed my suitcase and lugged it up the stairs. I placed it on the bed and opened it, pulling out my clothes and then unceremoniously dumped them into my chest of drawers. When I was f
inished, I stuffed my now empty suitcase into my closet.

  Then curling up on my bed, I fell into a fitful sleep.

  ***

  The next morning, I spent a good portion of the time putting off the inevitable; calling Dr. Todd and explaining that I wouldn’t be returning to Grayson. Ruby was still in her room. I wasn’t sure if she was sleeping or not but I made sure to be quiet, just in case.

  I sat down in the living room and pulled out my cell phone and dialed Dr. Todd’s personal number before I lost my nerve. It rang twice before he answered.

  “Hey doc, how’s it goin’?” I asked lightly. I picked up the pen and started doodling on a pad of paper.

  “Clayton, it’s nice to hear from you. How were things yesterday?” he asked. I gave him the quick rundown about the service, the get together afterwards. I told him about Ruby and how hard this was on her. And then I told him about Maggie, seeing her again and how tough that had been for me.

  Just like always, unloading felt really good. It was unbelievable that I had fought sharing my feelings for so long. I really was such a fool. It was amazing how knowing someone would listen patiently made it so easy to open up.

  “That’s a lot for someone to handle, Clay. How are you dealing with everything?” his question was loaded with a million tiny subtexts. Was I cutting? Was I drinking? Was there a hypodermic needle poking out of my arm as we speak? Was I falling face first in a pile of my own shit?

  “I’m dealing. Some minutes are easier than others, but so far so good.” And that was the truth. I hadn’t fallen off the proverbial wagon just yet. Though the temptation was pretty damn great.

  “That’s wonderful, Clay. I’m glad to hear that. Now, why don’t you tell me the reason for your call?” said Dr. Todd, the all-seeing psychic. The man was good, too good. And here I thought I was hiding my true intentions so well. I was clearly losing my touch.

  I took a deep breath and laid it all out there. Like ripping off a Band-Aid, it was better to do it quickly. “I’m staying in Davidson.” I sounded belligerent as though daring him to argue with me.

  “I suspected this would happen. I know how hard it is to leave home, once you’re there,” Dr. Todd said patiently, making me feel unreasonably guilty. It wasn’t as though he were trying to shame me. In fact he sounded totally understanding, but I felt the disappointment a thousand miles away.

  “I just can’t leave Ruby. Not like this. She’s going through a lot and I would hate myself if I took off again,” I explained.

  “I understand, Clay, I really do. But as your therapist, I have to remind you of the fact that you have two more weeks left in your treatment contract. Three months may seem like a long time but when it comes to getting a handle on your issues, it’s not nearly long enough. Don’t become complacent in your treatment,” Dr. Todd told me firmly. He was using his principal voice. The one that let me know I needed to listen to what he was telling me.

  And I was listening, honestly. But that wouldn’t change my decision. My mind was set.

  “Does that mean I have to come back? Because I was under the impression that I could make those decisions for myself now,” I said sharply, not liking the fact that I was now starting to second guess myself.

  “You are one hundred percent right. You control where you go and what you do. You are an adult now, Clay. You are not a direct danger to yourself or others, so I can’t force you to readmit yourself. But I won’t lie to you; I’m very concerned about you leaving treatment so abruptly, whatever the reason. Given the severity of your illness, you can’t take that lightly. But if you are set against returning to Grayson, I think we need to put some things into place to ensure you won’t relapse. Which includes continuing your medication regimen. No ifs, ands or buts, Clayton,” Dr. Todd explained.

  “I know that, Doc. I won’t forget to take my medicine like a good little boy,” I spat out, taking my frustration out on the person I knew could take it.

  Dr. Todd didn’t address my surly attitude. “And you need to continue with your therapy, but on an outpatient basis now. I want you to call the counselor I told you about. Shaemus Laughtry is one of the best LPCs in the field. I have worked with him in the past and I’m more than comfortable with transferring your case to him. He and I can work together to ensure your treatment is seamless. I’m serious about this Clay. You can’t afford to quit now. You’ve come a long way, but you still have a lot ahead of you.”

  I had every intention of reaching out to the other therapist, but hearing Dr. Todd put it like that, I felt scared. Was I ready to try this whole living on my own terms thing? I had wanted the ability to call the shots, to do this my way. But now that I was being handed the keys to the kingdom, I sort of wanted to give them back.

  I started to pick at the skin around my fingernail again. The area was already raw, but that didn’t stop me from digging a little deeper. “Yeah, I will. I’ll call him first thing tomorrow and set up an appointment,” I agreed.

  “Good. I’m glad to hear that. And I would still like you to call and check in with me until you start seeing Shaemus regularly. It’s important you start building your support systems there. I know that Ruby and Lisa have always been your primary supports, but that system is no longer in place. So, Clay, you need to start building a new one. Shaemus can help you do that. Without that foundation, it makes the rest so much more difficult.” Dr. Todd was right; I couldn’t exactly depend on Ruby right now. And that freaked me out.

  I swallowed thickly, trying not to panic at how alone I suddenly felt. “Okay,” I said quietly.

  “You can do this, Clay. But when you think you can’t, but please call if you need me” he urged and I nodded, though he couldn’t see me. I felt like the floor was opening up beneath me and I was about to be sucked in. This was not a good way for me to feel.

  “What if I do it again? What if I fuck it all up? I’m not good at the whole good decision making thing. Am I making a huge mistake staying here?” I hated the pleading in my voice. But I needed to hear total and complete honesty, at whatever the cost.

  I heard Dr. Todd let out a sigh. “I can’t answer that, Clay. I can’t predict what will happen. All I can say is that you are a smart young man and if you remember the things you’ve been learning. How to reframe, how to step back and look at your choices before you act on them. You can make this work for you. And when you feel like you can’t do it, that’s when you need to ask for help. Never be ashamed to admit you can’t handle it. There’s nothing weak in acknowledging when things are greater than you.”

  I wish I had Dr. Todd’s ability to say exactly the right thing. It was a skill I could get a hell of a lot of mileage out of right now.

  “Thanks Doc. I’ll call Mr. Laughtry in the morning and then let you know what I can work out. I appreciate everything, really.”

  “As I’ve always told you, Clayton, it’s what I’m here for. I look forward to hearing from you.” And with that, we disconnected the call. Now that was out of the way, I had an entire day left in order to figure out what the hell I was going to do.

  Ruby hadn’t been to her shop in over a week. I knew there had to be inventory and shelving to be done. I went up the stairs and lightly knocked on her bedroom door. When there was no answer I looked inside to find her still asleep. So I left her to it, leaving her a note letting her know where I was.

  Then I grabbed my keys and my wallet and headed to my car. I headed down the familiar streets until I saw a sign for the coffee shop, Java Madness. I seemed to remember Ruby telling me this is where Maggie worked.

  So what did I do? I pulled into the small parking lot and then went inside. I looked around noticing that it was pretty quiet. I approached the counter to place my order. I didn’t see Maggie anywhere. Maybe she wasn’t working. But I was already there, so I might as well get something.

  “What can I get ya?” a tall guy with red hair who was working the industrial espresso machine asked without looking at me. I glanced up at the menu.


  “Uh, just a coffee, black. And one of those chocolate croissant things. To go, please.” I pulled my wallet out and got some cash. When I looked back up, Mr. Red Head was staring at me with a peculiar look on his face. Did I know this guy? I looked at him a little closer. He did seem familiar, but I couldn’t place him. I assumed he went to Jackson, he was about my age. But that didn’t explain why he seemed almost pissed to see me. Did I have some altercation with this dude that I couldn’t remember? It was highly likely, given how much of a dick I was during my last go around in Davidson.

  “Clay Reed. I heard you were back in town,” he said as though I had made it my mission to fuck up his morning. What the hell was this guy’s problem?

  “And you are?” I asked acidly, narrowing my eyes a bit as he tried to mad dog me. Was he seriously trying to play macho man while wearing a fucking apron with a smiling coffee pot on it?

  “Jake Fitzsimmons,” he answered as if that explained everything. Jake Fitzsimmons? I arched my eyebrow.

  “Sorry buddy, I don’t know who the hell you are.” I was way past caring how rude I sounded. This guy was rubbing me the wrong way.

  Jake smirked as though he knew he was getting to me. “Maggie’s friend,” he expanded and then it all clicked. Jake Fitzsimmons. Daniel’s friend who spent way too much time sniffing around my girl. Now I knew why my appearance had him looking as though he had swallowed glass. He had always had a hard on for Maggie. And it was pretty apparent that hadn’t changed. Had this fucking douche moved in as soon as I was out of the picture? Shit, was Maggie with this guy now?

  She hadn’t said anything about a boyfriend, but that didn’t mean anything. We hadn’t exactly exchanged full details about the last three months. I felt like punching the red headed coffee slinging monkey straight in his obnoxious face.

  “Ah okay. You’re the guy who’s all about the sloppy seconds, right?” Yeah, that was a messed up thing to say, but he was flicking my rage switch with his bony finger.